SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Edited...double post

[This message edited by Ginny at 1:29 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]

Ginny,good luck with your emergency. Broken, I get it, I just am so confused over everything, not sure how I am supposed to feel. I am so sad and hurt, I have always been the one to take care of everyone, fix everything,,and I need that now. I dont have it .

Yes, what pain pain go away and others have said..

He needs to be an open book..

He needs to make sure you are taken care of financially should you decide to divorce him over this..Some boundaries have to be set legally so that you don't struggle in day to day life behind what he has done to you..Then you guys can form a new relationship with you feeling a bit more protected..

IMHO R shouldn't happen without the injured party being protected in some way..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:35 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]

he wanted her, he could have her, so after 5 hours, he couldn't unpack his suitcase and was crying to come home.

Really? Or, did he call her and tell her he was free and she dumped his ass? It wouldn't be the first time a WS called the BS crying to come back home because his OW suddenly lost that "loving feeling" once he was free.

I wish,,but I dont think she kicked him out,,when he called and came home and even since, i have seen him breakdown several times,broken,gut wrenching sobbing,,In all the years together I have never seen this, so I do believe him at this moment,but that does not make me have my guard down, It just means I know, and I want him to hurt like that, how I feel, what he can lose just to be with HER,and be all unicorns and rainbows,,thats not real,,so I hope he hurts like me, but I am willing to try to heal this with him. Because , in the end,,I do love him, I might not like him at this moment in time,,but he is my love.

Don't let the tears fool you. We've had many Oscar winning performances by the cheating spouse when they were trying to weasel their way back into the marriage.

Melzee,

So much of what you say resonates with me. You do not like him right now, but he is your love. Plus, the extreme remorse he is showing. My H too, never cried before any of this happened. But since we have been working on our relationship, he has also cried lots of tears.

I love your idea of going away somewhere to walk and talk and just "be" together. We have been doing that a lot and it is wonderful. There is something about hashing this stuff out on neutral ground that just works. Sometimes the discussions get heated and tears are cried, but that is to be expected.

As far as getting the details of his "A", if it gets to be too much, tell him so. My H felt like he needed to just dump it all out on me and it really was too much. I couldn't look at him without thinking of what he had told me they had done and it made me sick. Really. I couldn't eat and I started drinking a glass or 2 of wine when I knew he was on his was home so that I could stand being around him. Not good...

Please take care of yourself first. Eat well, try to get some exercise. Yoga is great(it helps you find peace and to stay relatively calm). And know that you have friends here. {{{Melzee}}}

The trauma of your story reminds me of how/when I found out my long-term marriage had been possibly destroyed by infidelity. It is devastating, truly. We all get it here whether we're newlyweds, boyfriends/girlfriends, young marrieds.

In reading all the comments here, a couple things come to mind:

DO make decisions (talking to a lawyer, getting STD testing done), but nothing long-term immediately. Of course you can have your WS come home if it feels right. Just don't make any promises you can't keep. As much as you don't want it to be, this may be a dealbreaker. Most likely, neither of you knows that right now.

DO go to counseling--just not to a marriage counselor first. MC comes after IC for both of you. In IC, he needs to figure out why he did what he did; you need to vent and cry and figure out some self-help strategies. Once you've both got things figured out a bit (time varies), then you can talk about how to fix some of the pre-A issues.

DO concentrate on yourself. If you've never been selfish before, now's the time. Join a gym, start attending a book group, learn to play piano, teach yourself Italian and plan a getaway vacation for your next birthday, buy a new outfit, get a makeover, invite a girlfriend to lunch weekly, spoil yourself with a mani/pedi. There's nothing special about that particular list EXCEPT that you're indulging yourself and REteaching your brain that you matter and that you are special and that you are worthwhile. That part of you has been crushed and needs some TLC.

DO talk about his A. He should be willing to answer ANY question you EVER ask him, multiple times. You can't unhear his answers, though, so be careful what you ask for. You should know her name, if she's a coworker, if she's married and has children, if she lives nearby. If she does, you should ask for a photo. She's probably seen a photo of you and you'd want to know if you were standing next to her at the post office, right? You might ask how long it lasted, how intense it was (EA for 6 months, PA for 2?), how often they talked/texted/called/e-mailed/met, what was the primary means of communication, how often were they intimate. I'd hold off, though, until you're more certain what you simply must know, on more details. If he's still "foggy," his answers could be painfully shaped by the fantasy of the A and, truthfully, be something you both regret talking about a few months from now.

My SLAWH, early on, while trying to be honest, said that his A was "good" for him. He meant that his self-esteem was stroked and he felt needed/wanted, and I understood that, but even now--15 months later--my brain still cringes whenever that particular thought pops up. And I know, now, that he realizes that his A was far from good. The ego kibbles were short-term; the shame/guilt/regret/remorse are lifelong companions.

Do NOT bring up the A every moment of every day. It'll come up quite organically--because of a news article, a friend's experience, a TV show/movie, a trigger for you. Try to walk that fine line between passion and grace. Let him see your anger and your devastation--you can't rugsweep that--but don't let him hear you say monstrous, unfair things about him. That's not playing fair. Even though this isn't a game, there are still some rules that have to be followed. Be your own referee.

DO allow yourself to feel hopeful as long as you temper that hope with reality. You shouldn't trust him now. He may be worthy of it in the future, but not now. Watch his actions, enjoy his companionship (if/when you get to that point), rebuild when you feel capable, communicate honestly, look for opportunities to create new memories and traditions, but stand up for yourself.

There ARE couples who've successfully reconciled. My SLAWH has too many additional layers of brokenness to be able to say with any certainty that we've made it. Or that we're even in R. But we're both making progress. I love him. He loves me. He's trying to heal himself and fix his issues while showing me how important and beloved I am to him. Considering how selfish addicts are, I'm satisfied with his progress. For now. But I'm worth more.

What RippedSoul said^^^^^^ Exactly how I feel except that I am not in R...

But I agree with her in how you should take care of yourself...

We THINK we can trust certain people in our lives, but in the end all we have is ourselves to rely on...We need to know what taking care/nurturing /strengthening ourselves looks like...

I don't know if I can do this. I am waking up every night crying , not even remembering if I had a dream or what he said I wake up gasping for air. Yelling I can't breath. What's wrong, why don't I remember , how will I get thru this?

Ohhhh melzee. Hugs sent your way....

You will get through this...

Your whole body is in over drive...

you will discover a strength. You did not know you had....

Keep reading here....I have read many wise and thoughtful posts....and challenging ones....

Go buy a journal and write....That helped me and having ONE friend to confide in...

you can do this....

Hopefull77

Did your spouse in the begining unsure in his decision? Because he is confused because he loves her too? Sorry that he hurt her too?? But he loves me, not sure if we will make it but he is willing to try,,to me it sounds so negative, but he is one of those black and white people, there is no gray area in his life,but I think if he is willing to go to counseling, I really think he is sincere, We will see. tomorrow is our first appt. When I think of everything I just cant breath!!! I want a crystal balll to see what will happen, I dont want to be broken again.

Melzee, I am so sorry for your pain. No one deserves this, no one. You have gotten so much good advice here, just one thing I would add.

One thing that you know for sure in this situation is that your WH is a liar who lies. I know this sounds harsh, but he had no problem lying and deceiving and betraying you for months on end. He has proven this. You cannot believe what he says right now. Turn down the volume and watch what he DOES. Words are nothing. Protect yourself from the words and rely on the actions.

Unfortunately this does take time. He is not your friend at the moment and you need to look out for yourself.

(((Peace and strength)))

So, we saw the counsler yesterday, our one hour appointment turned into 2!! We both like the counsler, she said this will take time, and since we both are feeling like the victim, talking about his anymore at home can only lead to bad things and to save it for her sessions. We both agreed,,we are both exhausted from the events of this week. Our assignment was to not speak of anything of the affair, not to argue and to work on being happy for ourselves, Not making each other happy, but ourselves. If we cant be happy with ourselves than what good are we to anyone else. It was draining last night and hubby was quiet, I slept ok but was up at 3,but not crying,,just awake,,no bad thoughts,just awake,,wierd,,I cuddled up next to him, he put his arm around me and we slept for a bit more, I ended up getting up at 445 and went to walk the beach. I felt invigorated,,wonderful,and sexy!! (Side note,I had Weight loss surgery 1/31/14 and am down 68lbs,hubby had his 12/4/13,down 85lbs) So needless to say,,this surgery was starting our new lives together,to live longer,not knowing his other half of life he intended to be with someone else...sorry I digress,,he is in this to see if we can do it,so I am in it 100% and hopeful,,not naive,but hopeful, I will not be played again but I will not close my heart. So we have standing appointment Mondays at 2, we are both taking 1/2 days from work to do this. Fully commited to working on me!! For me!! So if we stay together, that is my hope, if not I will be a better me. What the counsler said to work on me for me,,its time, I will not shrivel and die,,I am hurting, but I will not die, I will survive!! Saying that, this morning as I am driving to work, hubby calls me and asks if I called her,,I said no,,why would I ? Welll come to find out she interoffice messaged him saying that she had a hang up with my number,,I told him I didnt, he believed me and I sent him the cell records and screen shot of my call history,,(he didnt ask for it, but I said I asked you to be transparent, so can I) he said I believe you, and it sounds like she is playing games,,I said nothing derogatory , but told him she is doing this just to speak to him and maybe let her be on his mind, I told me he was going to tell her I didnt, and he Interoffice IM and called me right back and said he did. I am ok with that,,if he sees that she is going to play games,he can see who she really is. So , at the end of the day, he has been more chatty, we have been talking all afternoon and evening so far,not much but enjoying it. Thanks all for listening,,gonna take it day by day.

Good evening, after catching up with the latest, all I can say is TEXTBOOK !! This is so typical, granted not all are the same but they have SO many similarities and yours is no exception. Please know we understand because we felt too, pain, excitement, hope, distrust, ...and did the same as you. tried to hang on...and that is all you can do, educate yourself, read..read, you will soon predict moves, it really is sick how textbook these experiences are...confusion, I heard that one too. And unfortunately, it usually gets worse before it gets better, I went through almost 6 months of back/forth bullshit with continued contact, a couple of years of bliss/bullshit but no contact and slowly back into our routine of family life. We still remember but cherish things differently now.

BUT ..it can survive, its hard but can work. Mine came out so much better but it took a while to get there but seriously just spent a great week on an island together and it was great. ..I never really believed we would make it early on, and stayed in a state of shock and panic...finally just tried to take it minute by minute, and breathe, with so many emotions flowing.. scared, hurt, giddy, and couldn't fathom it would end this way, It is likened to finding out your spouse was killed in a carwreck but when you press for details, you're told you don't need to know,...just to forget about it and move on, which is utterly impossible, as your whole life is now changed, you think different, and as this is so consuming, so much that you are truly a different person now,

To really fight for your marriage you must train yourself to adapt, as you both will have times, the triggers that you're starting to deal with now...headgames and mind games, comparing dates, knowing dates, having dates, setting and remembering dates, it all changes, then HB (hysterical bonding) one of the pluses of this nightmare! I also became a p.i. not a real one of course, but believe I have the wherewithall to do it now with some of my tactics!. I did so much research, and it helped, the truth will always set you free. Otherwise, it will make you crazy. the journal is a great idea, it helped me some too and you will do what you have to do to get through this, my husband still thanks me for loving him through his stupidity and biggest regret as he says he sees it clearly now, was just cloudy back then! whatever... and granted there is no guarantee your marriage will make it but believe me, odds are with you in that you have a very good chance that it will. 33 years is long, we're at 32 but 38 together, so believe me when I say understand, I do! I did some crazy s*** while working on our marriage but it felt good at the time and you do what you have to do to be happy. Hang in there, keep posting and never ever give up your sources!

[This message edited by KarenDC at 9:56 PM, June 6th (Friday)]

and is wondering is she is ok? WTF!!

Unfortunately, just because he came back home doesn't mean his feelings and thoughts for the OW have simply dissipated. His need to be back home in his old life probably trumped his silly fantasy of a happily ever after with his OW, but as another poster said, it's also quite possible that SHE wasn't ready to give him a soft place to land. Guys like this aren't capable of being on their own when they've been cared for by a woman for the last 33 years. I don't know any 50+ year old guys who got separated/divorced and even knew how to do laundry. If she did tell him she didn't want him just yet, I don't see him being able to be on his own and running back home to what he knows (a purely pragmatic view, but still possible).

I think the ugly side to this is that for 8 months (or however long their affair went on) he's been probably leading her down the garden path, promising her that he'd leave (which he did attempt) and that they'd be together. It simply doesn't make sense that she'd simply go away now that he's back home, nor does it make sense that he'll simply forgot how he felt towards her.

This is that very slippery slope period of time when he wants to do everything right so he came and told you about her attempt to contact him with that phony baloney story about a hang up from you. That won't be her last attempt, Mel. That's just the beginning.

She may have represented 'freedom' and 'romance' and a chance to recapture his youth with all the feel-good emotions these affairs can bring, but it's a strong pull. It was strong enough for him to decide to leave - and do so, regardless of the fact that he came back. If it was a strong enough pull to get him to leave, then it's a force to be reckoned with.

I think if you truly want to reconcile, you're going to have to be diligent about making sure these two are no longer in touch. But I honestly don't think for one minute that the OW is simply going to let it go, just because he came back home. You read about this ALOT, where a man leaves his wife, the OW thinks her new beginning has begun, then he runs back home. She's angry, they fight, and the next thing you know, they're back in their affair and he's telling her he came home because the wife threatened to commit suicide or some other bullshit story to justify his cowardice in running back home. But while he's playing the good husband at home, he's playing the good married man to his OW once again making promises of a happily ever after.

I don't trust her and I definitely don't trust him that they're not going to be in touch anymore. If it was powerful enough to get him to leave you after 33 years, then it's really hard to believe that both are simply going to drop it and have no more feelings. That's not logical.

Is this woman married? In a committed relationship? Single? If she's coupled up in any way, I'd be sure to get to her significant other/husband and tell him everything. There's nothing like the cold light of day - and reality - to take the steam out of these affairs. Not only that, but with someone ELSE keeping an eye on things, that gives you a better chance of them not being in contact.

In one of your last posts you said you don't trust him - and you're 100% correct in not doing so. I just don't think these two are done 'talking' and I honestly believe he's going to be driven to 'apologize' to her for having crushed her feelings and blah blah blah.

Don't trust him yet Mel.

Do not trust at all at this point...my H started his A right after our 33 year anniversary...2 +years later I found his phone....OW sent an email a few days later which I read on his phone...how his " silence was deafening"...he never responded...4 months later she left a message on his phone that I listened too..." I changed my mind I want to hear the rest of the story"....he never called her back...2 days later she showed up at his work....crying with a bag of all the gifts he'd given her....H told her to take them to goodwill....BUT he did hug her goodbye....that sent me into a tailspin...4months after that she called again....he never answered...she tried texting a few days later...he didn't read it .... FINALLY we blocked the number....

Look they had a 2 year relationship......his IC was so pleased that he DID NOT read the text...he finally reached the INDIFFERENCE stage....despite her breaking NC we were on the path FORWARD....it's been 10 months since that last text....I pray she has figured out her brokeness and is moving away from a very unhealthy period of time in her life....we are thriving! He has done everything right...except for that hug

It has been such a long week, we will go for our second counseling session tomorrow. She had said to not talk about it at all for this week. to give it a rest, this was not easy as it is all consuming. So what happens, small talk or awkward silence. I couldnt do it, I finally said something Thursday, how I was feeling and that I felt like he wasnt in it,then we started about his feelings,etc..needless to say,,crying ,loud voices,,I just cant stand this,,so many feelings,so just wanted to vent,,I feel so alone, no one knows,its just the two of us where we are,,all family and friends are in another state. I am trying to stay positive,,I have been exercising,,walking at 5 am because I cant sleep,,trying to eat as on top of this , I had weight loss surgery 1/31/14 to get better, feel better,health wise,,down 68lbs and boy oh boy the stress has kicked in ontop of it,,but I do try to keep up with my proteins,,but it is very difficult. he had the surgery too 12/4/13,,we both did this thinking the second half of our lives would be healthy and fun to be around for grandchildren and each other,,little did I know , I guess he thought it was only his 1/2 ..Anyways,,will let you know how the session goes. I have read so many posts, the pain and anguish is awful. My heart hurts for everyone. I find I cant breath, my heart feels like it is beating out of my chest all the time..and its only 2 weeks today that I found out..can I do this? Will I survive?? I wonder sometimes.

So update, DDAy ws 5/25/14, we have been in MC since day 7,last Sunday, 7 days ago he wanted some space to clear his head. I went to go visit our adult children (sons) in another state for 2 days,,well I dont think the plane landed and he was with her. I told him,if you were going to do that, pack your bags and go,,I am not going to do this. so I came back early , caught him leaving her house (40min away) but they work together in the same building. I told him to get his stuff and leave. He moved in with her last weekend. We went to our last MC session that monday,,only because it was paid for . and told her what had transpired. I also told her I wanted to confront the OW and tell her how I feel about the two of them, she said that is the least that the two of them can do and they owe that to me. I am calmer now but still very hurt, crying all the time and trying to get thru this. I , unlike my WH cant throw away 33 years away. They will both get a piece of my mind , and she has two daughers,,wonder if somme whore like herself ever came along and did that to her daughters what would she think? do? i intend on meeting the OW face to face. I dont know her or have ever seen her,but I want her to know what she has done to another woman, supposedly a woman that has been married 2x and abused. My kids and family, his familyy are stunned, cant believe who this man is,,everyone just found out this week when he moved out. This will be intersting tho, since they have only been together no more than 24-48 hours ,,he is there 24/7 wait til the OCD sets in and he has to have things a certain way,,specific brands of foods,,can we say "honeymoon is over" ,,I am waiting , sitting back and being patient. I am not running to any divorce court, I need to get my stuff together to move back to my home state as there is nothing here for me. My kids live elsewhere , so this I hope will give him time to clear his head, get past the midlife crisis or get his head checked for a brain tumor... in all these years, this is so out of character and even his mother says it..no one believes it..so I will try to go on, improve myself,,see if he waants to try to Reconcile. or I might not want to by the time he comes to his senses.. thanks all for listening to the rant. I sound better thatn I actully am,,I wake up crying, cant sleep , if I sleep 4 hours thats a good thing,,so trying to handle this..hugs to all, breath and hope for a better tomorrow

all I can offer is hugs... so sorry for what you are going through