SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unfortunately your feelings are about normal for most. Some wake up quicker and understand they did not deserve a shit sandwich like this. The ones that get it come out better in the end because they realize an affair is not their fault. You need to understand that.

In every case it's you're a bad husband, father to cover for the affair. It just can't be their fault.

My friend do not swallow that bullshit. Every marriage has issues. We all could do better.

Just because my wife didn't get the ironing done just right doesn't make an excuse for me to go over and fuck the neighbor.

You can do this!!!! Start now!!!!

Everyone here knows the score take your strength from us.

Get moving and don't look back.

You'll be surprised at the difference once you start.

"Jesus Christ this is some hard wisdom you are slinging in here. But it's exactly what I needed to hear. I can feel myself turning a corner. It's been so long that I've even let myself think about what I deserve."

This is a fucking tough-assed road you've been on here, and I'm truly sorry you are here. You sound like a wonderful, reasonable man who adores his family.

I just have to ask, is she really that brazen to tell you she is away from her kids on Mothers' Day because she's off with her lover.

Or, are you just piecing together the puzzle and doing some assuming? Do you have solid proof?

You know what, if my own Mother was dying on Mothers' Day, I still would not be away from my children.

What possible excuse does she have? Is somebody dying somewhere that is more important?

I just have to be the devils advocate at this point because I cannot imagine, for the life of me, how somebody could do something this crass, mean and totally off-the-charts, NUTS.

If I were you I'd invite my family over and have a "pack your wife's shit party". Put it on the front porch or in the garage.

Put a lock on your bedroom door. You can't legally lock her out of the house but you can make a statement.

She's abandoned you and the kids so she made her choice.

Gotta be honest this is about as low class as I've seen.

this is some hard wisdom you are slinging in here

You're in a tough situation, brother.

The truth is hard and cruel but that's what you need right now.

The purpose is to wake you up to where you are so you can deal with it effectively.

Sorry you are here man

You have received hard and soft responses, but as you noticed, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM stated...or implied...that the starting point for you to get yourself out of infidelity is to stand up for what is right. It starts there.

Also, let me chime in on that horrible advice that you have received from your therapist on 'waiting out' the affair. This is one of the reasons that I believe a poor therapist can be way more damaging than no therapist(at least as it pertains to infidelity). Look at it this way:

--Let's say that you continue to wait out this affair, and it eventually ends. Why would she just automatically default back to loving and respecting you in the marriage? Why would she just become a "good" wife again?

--More than likely...and unfortunately...she will go outside the marriage again in search of that high and excitement(puke) that she initially had with the other man. And being that no harsh consequences were felt by her, she will not have done any introspection on herself, and will continue with poor boundaries and decision-making.

--Lather, rinse, repeat. I can't say enough bad about his approach to this. Please look into a therapist who specializes in infidelity, because that is the most acute crisis at this point. You have come to a site that is ONLY ABOUT INFIDELITY, with 50+ thousand members, and not one person agrees with your therapist. Why is that?

That said, welcome to SI, friend. If there is no other solid piece of advice that I can give you right now, it is to post, post, and post again. The more that we know, the more that we can help. I know some of it is hard to hear at this point....I really do understand this, and I am years out from discovery....but it will be the best advice that you can receive anywhere on this planet. And it is free, available 24/7, and is loaded with people who know exactly what you are going through---and know the best possible ways to help navigate you through this.

Good Luck.

the reason "waiting it out" doesnt work is because it offers her no incentives to change her behaviour and rewards her bad behaviour.

in a way it is showing that she can have you, kids, and a guy on the side. shes got a home to go to so she can play mommy/wife, somewhere to go for fun and sex when bein mommy

/wife isnt so much fun, and a reliable babysitter. shes happy as can be and gets what she wants.

she not interested in your pain. thats a drag and boring. shes interested in her fun.

why change??

you want her to change her answer then change the equation.

go out when shes getting ready to go to om. let her figure out what to do with kids. dose of reality.

file for d. you can always stop the process at any point. but show her you arent ok with her having a bf.

demand she be honest. why settle for less? you want a marriage of lies or of honesty?

demand she be your wife. that means no bf. she can choose her bf but you can choose not to accept that. its your right. would you have married her if she had a bf? she promised to nr faithful. she broke the deal.

demand no contact with bf. a nc letter sent. thats it. no more contact. if she does its choosing bf over you.

demand transparency. pw for everything. she has to earn trust back. shes proven that shes not trustworthy.

watch for remorse. thats where she cares about how her actions hurt you and kids. its vital.

you are scared if you demand these things you will lose your wife. we all get that. weve all been there. but, we all had to face this and so do you - shes already lost. continue what you are doing and she stays lost. want her back? fight. demand she respect and accept her vows.

im reconciling with a serial cheating wife. im not a d fan. you need to throw her off that fence she is on and hope she lands on your side.

Well I'm done. I've been trying to keep this marriage together on my own for almost a year now. She's only been in this affair for the past four months, but she's been in meltdown since last Spring. I'm done. I swear to god the only people on the planet who want this marriage to work out are me and my two kids. Everyone else seems dead set on us getting a divorce. Fuck it. The woman I married would never have done what she's doing anyways. Seriously what am I holding out for.

Tomorrow I have a field trip that I've volunteered for at my daughter's school, so I can't talk to a lawyer then. But there's no reason I can't make an appointment on Tuesday.

I talked to her on Saturday when she tried to call and talk to the girls. I told her that she didn't need to talk to them while away on her romantic weekend with her bf. I told her that of course she misses them, she's been gone for days. This is the new normal niw, I told her. I told her that I want her moved out sooner rather than later. Haven't told her about the divorce yet.

i think you've made the right decision. you're getting out of infidelity.

just don't back down. If she doesn't come back to you agreeing to stop the affair immediately, establish NC, and all the other things required for reconciliation, then you have to follow through.

there is nothing to be gained by drawing a line in the sand and then backing off of it.

stay strong my friend. you'll get through this. either with her or without her.

I'm for reconciliation if it's achievable but it has to be on the BS's terms.

The thing is if you let this drag on you could have a couple years of your life wrapped up in this and still have no marriage.

IMO if that's the end result get it over with quicker than later.

You'll never get that time/life back. There are worthy women out there that don't do this.

I talked to her on Saturday when she tried to call and talk to the girls. I told her that she didn't need to talk to them while away on her romantic weekend with her bf. I told her that of course she misses them, she's been gone for days. This is the new normal niw, I told her. I told her that I want her moved out sooner rather than later. Haven't told her about the divorce yet.

Did you get a response?

Marc - I did not get a response, other than, "I told you that I wanted a separation a week ago." To which I said, then fucking move out already. What are you waiting for? Have you found an apartment? What do you want to do about a visitation schedule for the girls? And in true 15 year old brain fashion, every question was answered with, "I don't know."

DestroyedOne, I hear you on the " I don't know" cop out, and very much agree with the 15 yr old brain saying I don't know. It's not that they don't know, they know perfectly well what they want and what they are doing, they just mean " I don't want to tell you right now, or ever for that matter!" depending on the question. She is a cake eater, wants it both ways and she is clearly making a fool of you, ,as my wife of 21 years had done. You need to do the 180 detach and read more on the Healing Library in the yellow box. You are a strong man , strong enough to have overcome alcoholism and gotten sober. Stay sober, in both ways and find courage within yourself. To a cheater, feeling sad and broken which is very normal, gives off a stench that they see as total weakness and invites more of the same behavior. You can survive this even though right now it seems hopeless.

Do not allow her in your bed tonight.

If you do you're enabling her. Your actions are telling her what she's doing is Ok and you accept it.

I think you are getting it. Stay strong and don't back down.

It's your only path out of this.

Yep, she's a cake eater and up til now you've enabled it.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 8:50 PM, May 8th (Sunday)]

Is other man married?

I'm changing your name to RebornOne.

Marc - sorry, can't figure out how to quote you or send a specific reply to your posts. But to answer your question, no he's not married. He's in his early twenties from what I understand, or something close to that. I know he's very young. My wife and I are both 41, though we look about ten years younger than that.

I swear to god the only people on the planet who want this marriage to work out are me and my two kids

It can feel that way. To be honestly with you, I hope you can work it out.

She wants a separation. Which means she wants the opportunity to find out if life with this guy is a better option than life with you. If she knew this already, it wouldn't be a separation she was after.

The woman I married would never have done what she's doing

Brother, I never would have thought in a million years that my wife could have been capable of doing what she did. But here I am. This is my life now.

Once upon a time I thought I really knew my wife. It turns out I didn't know her as well I thought I did. And that wasn't my fault, brother. She kept a part of herself hidden for a long, long time. Those issues were there long before I met her.

Right now, you're finding out that you don't know your WW quite as well as you thought you did. Well come to the club.