SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I read a lot in JFO and trigger mightily when I see a BS waffling. I say to myself, "How can these people even think of allowing these cheaters back into their lives, WTF is wrong with them?" It suddenly occurred to be that I wasn't angry at them (BS), I was furious with the WS, and by extension myself, for committing this betrayal.

I hope you recognise this for the important step it is. Perhaps, you can also reflect on any number of situations that you have found yourself facing, that you either never thought you would or handled it differently to what you expected eg., I imagine that when you committed to your BW you never thought you would cheat on her. Try to identify the key stages involved in your infidelity and how you processed the situation at the time. I'm sure you'll find that denial featured prominently in your thinking, whether it was denial of the consequences or slipping boundaries. Likewise denial, combined with a shit tonne of shock, contributes to some BSs seemingly being stuck. In both cases the denial serves a purpose.

Keep going, keep analysing.

I would consider reconciliation just as I did every thing I experienced as a husband and father. Painting our home together. Her being pregnant and very emotional. Raising little humans when the manual was lost by the stork. Those things and more are sweet and can be bitter sweet. Adultery isnt yet I know myself in what I'm willing to do in a commitment. To come out of the fires that life throws at you, even the ones that a spouse creates, is to me the satisfaction I want to have on my deathbed, that I loved with mercy, unconditional love, and grace. So I for one wouldnt hesitate to try and reconcile with my xWW.

I'm not in R, I'm still undecided. If I agree to R, I'm doing it because I believe it will serve me best. It won't be to gift/grant my H anything.

My H and I had been having marital problems long before he even met his affair partner. Early after I found out, I was so shocked and I was desperate not to lose my family I wanted to R right away. Then I came to my senses, and got healthier through IC. We are separated and I've made no promises to R, even though I know my H does want to.

Truth is, a D right now won't serve me best. I stand to lose too much financially. So my decision to R will mostly rest on what maximizes my happiness and benefits.

I still love my H, although differently. He loves me, always has. There was never any change or doubt in that. I enjoy his companionship, and we are friends and he's a great, very involved Dad. So, staying married isn't the worst thing I could do...but it will never be same. If we didn't have kids, I'd be long gone. If I stay, it's not for my kids...but they are the reason I'd consider a marriage that is a hybrid of convenience and companionship (with benefits of course). He is not the spouse I'd choose for myself today, but he's what I have right now. My decision on R has very little to do with love, and more about strategy on what will maximize my happiness within my circumstances.

He had said to me, he's scared that I will never love him the same again. He should be, bc I don't know, and I can't picture that I will. There are just some things that are lost when you destroy the cornerstone of a relationship. Forgiveness, grace, etc are all fine and great...but those things also feel to me that I'm compromising myself for a person who caused his own loss. My H can either accept the limits of what I'm willing to offer him, or not. If he doesn't like it, he is free to go.

So long story short, not every BS is granting a gift, but making very strategic and calculated decisions to put themselves #1 without regard to the cheater.

My H and I were both unhappy in our marriage for standard reasons (communication issues, conduct avoidance etc) and we were separating when he decided it was ok to have an EA with a friend on his way out the door, and plans to date after we were finally separated. I found out before that and it changed everything for me. He will never get back what he once had and that is his consequence to live with. He is free to go if he doesn't like anything about how I feel or what I'm doing.

I agree that it's not necessarily for the WS that a BS would stay. You may never have been dependent on someone else financially or for in person support with kids, but many of us are. On top of this, those with very young kids have to face the fact that splitting up the family will be incredibly painful for those kids and change their foundation and their lifestyle, as well as negating a lot of things they expect from the future like plans and promises you have made.

Both WH and I were raised by single mothers who could barely afford to feed us at certain times in our lives. They were sad, hurting people who became involved in abusive relationships with addicts. I don't want that person raising my children. I don't want that life for myself. And I don't want to open up our lives to the unknown of future relationships. I may be disappointed and hurt by my WH. But for 12 out of 13 years he was a good husband and father. I won't throw away everything we built over 6 bad months that happened when we were in a crisis. I want to give us a chance to learn from our mistakes first and see what we can salvage.

I haven't read the replies. I have to say, that for me -- I wouldn't have thought so either. However, it was one of the few moments in my life where I felt moved by a force greater than I was capable of at the time. I chose to love, and not abandon, my broken husband. Eventually, I came to see how wholly the affair was about him, and with his efforts, began trusting him again. So, a lot of things had to be in place. But, I believed I had thrown my lot in with a fundamentally decent person, and just chucking 20+ years of love and friendship didn't really seem like the kind of person I wanted to be. It took me a while to feel that wholly, though.

Thank you (and everyone else) for you input.

bionicgal

I see that your husband's affair was 2 months long. Suppose it had been much longer? In my case, it was off/on for 7 years before I ended it. WOuld that have changed your decision to R?

I just meant my vows. I figure this has to be the "for worse" that is part of them. Has to. Because if it's not, man, I don't know what to think.

Fight or flight. It's easy to leave. It's hard to stay. So hard to stay. Every single day I battle my head and my heart to not quite. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I feel like crap doing it, but I'm hopeful that one days I will feel less crappy, and that the reward will be a stronger M.

I have always picked fight when it come to my WH. Always. I guess this is no different. And I don't think the length of time they cheat (over a year for me) would make an impact. The only thing I can truly say that might have me take my gloves off for good would be if he had gotten the OW pregnant. KO on me with that.

I thought it was an automatic M breaker, and then I thought the amount of time would be for sure (4-year LTA, 2 more years of EA after).

You're different now then you were in the A.

So is my wife.

That was then and this is now, as with most everything else in life.

That's a big part of how I got through my initial shock and 'this is impossible' moments.

ff,

I really don't know if anyone can answer what they would have done if the duration was more. Any details really.

For me, if someone would have told me I would stay any longer than it took to pack...well, you get my point. Especially considering who his AP is, and the years and years of cover up.

All I can tell you, is the reaction will be crazy different from what you expect. From what she would expect from herself. There is no way to know or prepare. Not for the WS or the BS.

As a BS, I think the answer to why any BS would choose R is that it depends. Every situation is a little different and there are degrees of betrayal and also a lot depends on the actions of the WS after D-day.

For me, I always considered cheating to be a no questions asked automatic deal breaker. I also always thought that there was no way that it could happen to me. But then it did and I was forced into a corner that I never thought I would be in and had to make a life altering decision. A decision that would not only impact my life and my WW's life but also our two young children. My WW had a long distance EA which culminated into a weekend PA. Ten days later her conscious was eating her alive and she came to me and confessed the entire thing to me on her own. I had no idea. She was extremely remorseful, apologetic, honest, supportive and transparent for the most part and I chose to give her a second chance. She committed to NC and agreed to answer every question I asked. Had her A been a LTA with someone who lived close by and had not confessed and had lied and TT'd me I am sure R would not have been an option.

I am glad I chose R as our lives have never been better and we are both very happy.

First, you never know how you will react to being cheated on unless it happens. Trust me on this one. Plus, every person and their situation is different. You know how many BS thought they would leave the second they found out, and the ruin the lives of Ws and their side pos?

forgiveness can be an attribute of the strong as Gandhi believed. It is based on everyone's unique circumstances to decide if they have the ability of forgiveness, and if their spouse deserves a second chance. Just wanted to add that leaving a hopeless toxic situation takes great strength too. Stay or go one will still have to heal from this trauma. It's just a matter of if we think it is in our best interest to heal with or without our spouse.

I am one who thought the A would be an absolute deal breaker as well, so I do get confused sometimes how I ended up in R. I initially didn't D because we had young kids and I didn't want to D until I was sure. Also, my WH signed a post-nup that was in my favor after dday, I am employed, I am not COD, my family knows and will support any decision I make, so yeah, I would be fine if we D.

To quick summarize why I am in R...

- To see someone hit rock bottom and watch them claw their way out is humbling

- I never doubted that my WH loved me the best he could even when he was an absolute asshole.

- I did not get TT. He gave me the communications and was transparent right out of the gate

- He got healthier and figured out how to fight for me and our marriage (He is still going to IC)

- He gets being CA and having secrets only weighed me down and tainted the marriage. He had to be completely vulnerable and authentic for this to work.

- eta: Pretty quickly I realized this wasn't about me and this was his personal crisis.

You asked about whether or not length is a factor for R and you will read time and time again that betrayal is betrayal regardless of ONS or LTA, therefore, I don't think there is a correlation with length and whether or not a BS chooses R. IMHO I think there is a correlation if a WS is a good candidate for R then attempting R is more probable.

Your A has already happened and is part of your BS life, let her know the truth about her marriage so she can start healing sooner than later. I know you mentioned the other items that are happening in her life, so if you are going to wait then get into IC, get STD tested, read "How to Help your Spouse After an Affair", complete your timeline if she asks for one, do not delete anything and get all communications together. Don't half-ass it!

[This message edited by ILINIA at 5:45 PM, August 1st (Tuesday)]

I have chosen to offer R because:

We had a really good marriage pre EI's. We were best friends.

He has a history of kindness and patience. He has never abused me or even raised his voice in anger (to be clear I consider that adultery is abuse, I am speaking Pre a).

We have more than a few children together. He was a great father (until the EI's)

He is absolutely 100% remorseful, owning his shit and working on every area. I know that he does love me (before the EI's, not during...and now again).

I love him. I have always loved him. Even if we D, I know I will never find a relationship again like I had with him. He was a good man before the EI's, and a great father. I can't just throw away 30 years of marriage without trying. Yes, I feel like he became a mentally ill asshole for 4 years but I see evidence that he can change.

So if he continues in his change, follows the boundaries 100% and passes a yearly polygraph...I will continue to stay with him in R.

That is why I offered.

I chose to R because I made a promise to my wife, on our wedding day, to be there through good times and bad. I meant what I said that day. She will never understand fully how badly she hurt me, and how broken I am still, but I loved her before, and I love her still. I can't say that R has always been easy, and I would be a liar if I said I never thought about just divorcing and moving on, but in the end I couldn't see my life without her.

First off thank you all for your responses!

One of the things I really struggle with understanding is how can you get past the WS sharing something of themselves that was only supposed to be reserved for you? From my perspective, I was physically and emotionally intimate with my exAP. The very thought disgusts me. If the roles were reversed and it was my wife who cheated, I would be horrified and I don't believe I would be able to get past it. Yet at an intellectual level, I know that I should be able to offer R since I would hope that my wife would offer it to me.

How did you get to a place where you make such accommodation with yourself to choose to R? I am probably beating a dead horse here but I am so baffled, jealous and in awe of those that offer the gift of R.

One of the things I really struggle with understanding is how can you get past the WS sharing something of themselves that was only supposed to be reserved for you? From my perspective, I was physically and emotionally intimate with my exAP. The very thought disgusts me. If the roles were reversed and it was my wife who cheated, I would be horrified and I don't believe I would be able to get past it.

That is what ultimately did me in. I wanted to as I knew my life would be so much better married to her, I just couldn't get past it.

If you would have asked me the day before Dday if I would stay with my husband if he cheated, I would have said absolutely not and meant it!!

Personally, I think that you cannot understand the choice to R because one, you can't know unless it happens to you. Also, could your thoughts about how anyone could move past cheating be more about how you feel about yourself? Perhaps, the question has a lot to do with your own self loathing for what you have done, and inability to forgive yourself turned outwards?

Wanted to add... the choice to attempt R and successfully R are two different things. People have many different reasons and circumstances that make them attempt R with an unfaithful spouse. To successfully R is a hard process that takes work and time. Again, I could never have understood it unless I had lived the experience. Many stay married but do not achieve R.

As for dealing with the fact that my husband stuck his dick in another woman to get off?, or told her what some nice words to get it, and hear nice words in return....He had sexual partners before me. He has felt an emotional attraction to others before me. It is the ego in us that cannot get past this part. Cheating is so much about the cheater in reality. It is the understanding of what was going on in our spouse and their issues that led to them going along with the path of an affair. It is deciding if the marriage is worth saving, It is putting the focus back on the real relationship and working through the issues in the cheater, the trauma of the experience, and the building back up of the marriage. I would be here for hours to try to explain this well.

[This message edited by heartneedsglue at 6:50 AM, August 5th (Saturday)]

heartneedsglue

It could very well be a case of self loathing making me feel this way. I wonder if this also stems for a LTR I was involved with before meeting my wife. I was essentially a doormat through the entire relationship. She cheated, treated me like crap and walked all over me and my feelings. Every time she did, I still took her back. I wasted 6 years of my life with her before growing a pair and moving on. I think both things are intertwined but I can't say for sure.

One of the things I really struggle with understanding is how can you get past the WS sharing something of themselves that was only supposed to be reserved for you?

That is the very essence of betrayal.

I had to ask myself; is the ONLY quality I love about my wife -- is that she "reserves" herself for me?

Do we love people only because of fidelity?

ff - you've been unfaithful, you KNOW the deal is broken, yet you still love your wife. Despite knowing the relationship is forever imperfect, you pursue your love.

Of course, I would have preferred none of this stuff had ever happened to me. This is a unique level of pain I didn't know was even possible.

As long as my wife was willing to face her demons, regain her own self respect and double and triple down on being the best version of herself, I found myself able to give her one chance to show me.

Perfection is what we want, it is a great goal.

I'm not sure any of us are able BE perfect.

Knowing those facts and realizing my wife is a very good person who did absolutely horrible, horrible things. She is both that good person and the jerk who ripped my heart out. As long as she is focused on being a good, all around person -- super mom, caring daughter and sister, and a partner with amazing empathy for the pain she caused me -- then it is worth one more roll of the dice.

Today my wife is all in and we're enjoying a closeness we've never had, because we both had to become far more vulnerable than the 'normal' masks we wore in our relationship. Perfection would have been nice, but learning to properly love each other after the horror show has been fascinating to say the least.