SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have to chime in and echo the same sentiment. Please do not send that letter. It's fine to write those things as a way to express what you are feeling. However, giving her that letter will only feed her ego, sense of entitlement, and push her farther away from you. In my opinion, the next best step is to ask her to leave. To where? Well that's up to her since she decided to rob you of your life and marriage. If she won't leave, ask her everyday until she does. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even speak to her unless it to ask her to leave. Lastly, enact the hard 180 as soon as you can. I'm still reeling a bit from my own situation, so I read that thing every single day to give me strength to keep up with my NC pledge to myself.

Man to man... be strong brother. I pray that God will be with you during this difficult time. Be well...

She first told me in March, then told him in April. I've been through all the stages of sorrow, anger, wanting to hurt him and her.

Yes, you have felt a range of emotions but I guarantee you have miles to go. The processing takes years. Unfortunately, in the timeline of infidelity, you have just begun.

It is so very healthy that you are ready to put this behind you and walk into a better peaceful life - but that letter will not serve you well down the road.

Keep shifting your focus back to your healing. Keep acknowledging your tremendous worth and value. And keep posting - it will offer you relief and insight and so much hope.

So what type of affair is/did she have?

PA or EA or both?

EA

The only things you should give her are D papers and a shove out the door if she is not willing to go 100% NC and leave her job.

Its a simple as that, saving your M will require both of those things at the very start, otherwise everything else you say and do is completely wasted energy.

Geez. What a letter. A woman cheats and lies, tries to break up two marriages, with kids, and you think she is compassionate and a best friend?

No, a friend would not treat you like this. Or your children, or the OBS and her children.

She may have beèn a good person at one point but she isn't now.

Please tell the other spouse. She needs to protect herself and her children and get STD testing. Hrs life may depend on it.

Up until this affair started, I couldn't have asked for a better person to have shared my life with, a better friend than she was.

In many cases, people "act" like good people up until they destroy you or commit some terrible act.

How many times do you hear about people saying that someone was just a regular person until they found out they were doing..... so and so...

Good people and spouses don't do this!

No one is perfect... We all make mistakes. But, someone who Loves you doesn't betray you to the core of your being. They don't make 100's of conscious choices that they know will hurt and maim you and your children emotionally. They don't do things that they have to go to great lengths to conceal.

Love does not do this. Good people or someone who Loves you doesn't take action that will SCAR you and your children for the rest of your lives.

My WW had a horrible father and now she is scarring my children and me for the rest of our lives. My grandchildren will be scarred most likely.

Up until the affair, I thought my wife was the greatest woman in the world! I thought she completely rejected her childhood!

Now, I realize that she never truly overcame her childhood issues. And, she is and has always been capable of this horribly destructive behavior. She is acting and essentially causing the same damage as her terrible narcissistic father yet to her... She is a wonderful person and totally the victim.

Good people Love themselves and therefore are capable of Loving others. It is this Love that makes them good and stops them from laying waste to everyone around them that actually do/did love them.

Your wife was an actor just like mine. Once her needs weren't met, she ONLY cared about herself no matter the risk or the potential destruction.

Your WW just like mine is willing to give up at least 50% of her time as a mother to her children so that she can be with this POSOM 100% of the time. They are trading in their children for some other man! That is the thing that I just can't get over or comprehend!

That is not a good person or mother and definitely not someone capable of Love.

I still struggle with my marriage because of the kids. And, I believe God can heal anyone, which is where my hope lies.

But, I also know that my WW as currently constituted is a very selfish, destructive person just as yours is.

Please don't send that letter and find strength in knowing you are the "Good" person that deserves true happiness.

[This message edited by br549 at 1:32 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

Hey Wisconsin,

I really do not believe a woman asks another man to leave his wife and 5 kids and plans to leave her husband for an EA. Sorry. Don't believe it. Why do you believe this?

EA? No, my friend. I feel even worse for you if you really believe that. This was no EA. People don't plan on leaving their spouses for an EA.

Wait... You don't believe there was any sex?

She didn't have sex with her true love?

OM choice - I love you but I won't leave wife and 5 kids for you.

Looks like he is going to cake eating. You better have a talk with him and let him know if this become physical you will let his family know. Wonder whether it has already been physical.

This did not happen from one side. OM Talked the talk. He must have rein in your WW with sweet talk. He is a player

[This message edited by goalong at 4:39 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

OP,

Don't say that to her.

You don't ask her to give you a divorce. It's not her choice, it's yours. You just go get an attorney and file for divorce yourself. Have her served at work.

You don't complement her while she's betraying you. Take her down from the pedestal you've put her on.

You don't suggest friendship. She's needs to know what it feels like to lose her husband for cheating. If you want to be friends after the D, fine. Not during.

You need to implement the 180 in the worst way to detach from her. You should be heading straight toward D and if she turns around at some point, you can "consider" R.

But don't expect her to turn around.

[This message edited by badmemory at 12:31 PM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

You have been putting up with her continuing the affair since April? 3 months of this "pick me dance". I am so sorry. That is a ton of pining to put up with. A lot of disrespect, humiliation, and pain for you. Just talk to a lawyer tomorrow. I can understand wanting to co-parent correctly. I don't understand why you want to continue a friendship with someone that chooses to treat you this way. Or why you would think highly of her in her current state and behavior. I think someone else mentioned codependency. You should look that up. You can be civil without being a doormat. The letter is disrespecting yourself.

Listen to badmemory. Please set an example for your children on how a spouse should treat another spouse with respect and dignity. Stand up for yourself or you are showing your children to accept abuse.

Just like the members say it here words mean nothing and actions mean everything when judging a remorseful WS. Just like that the same logic applies to a BS. Your actions will be judged by your ww. You can write all the letters you want, it would go into deaf ears. Your actions however will not go unnoticed. You have to be strong and decisive, be a man who takes action and stands his ground and is your way or the highway. With that being said, do not send that letter and start preparing for a new life with out her. Only if she fights for you, you should consider giving her a chance.

[This message edited by osk123 at 6:05 PM, August 8th (Tuesday)]

I am glad you are standing up for yourself. Like some others have mentioned, I do not see courage or compassion on her actions. She is being completely selfish.

How is it compassionate to want to break up another family with kids so you can have what you want? Pain or your W is twisting this, How is it courageous? It is weak or character and self control. Please pull back and look at this.

Why offer to stay friends? She is breaking up your famillwns hurting your kids. Please stop offering her easy ways out.

The more words you use the more fault she will find.

'I have chosen to not remain in an open relationship.' Is literally all you need to say.

Hurtinghusbandinwisco, you said it was an EA, is this because this is what your wife told you it was, or did you find out some other way.

One of the first rules for a BS to learn is, Cheaters Lie, they say what they know you want and prefer to hear.

With what you have posted on what your wife told you about her feelings for the OM and the length the affair has been going on, also the OMs reply to her when she asked him to leave his wife and kids for her, says to me it was definitely a PA affair, that he has had his way with your wife and wants to keep it that way under wraps (kept secret) if he can.

CincyKid got it spot on when he said,

EA? No, my friend. I feel even worse for you if you really believe that. This was no EA. People don't plan on leaving their spouses for an EA.

I would also advise not the send the letter but if you feel you must then please, please, please edit it to the below, this is to safeguard yourself from future court usage by her.

Amber,

You have been in my life since November 6th 1997. Almost half of my life has been spent sharing it with you as my wife, my partner, my best friend, the mother of my children. We have seen and done so many incredible things together as husband and wife, mother and father, as best friends. We have built a home together for our family, for our children. We have travelled all across the country together, seeing beautiful things and making memories that will be in my mind (consider changing to memory) forever. You have given me the ultimate gift of two beautiful daughters.

Recently you decided that what we have spent the last 20 years building was not your ideal. You decided that I was not your ideal. I told you to chase your ideal out of love and respect for you, your heart and soul. Out of respect for your happiness in life. When you and Aaron decided to not pursue your dreams, I thought I could deal with being Plan B. I thought I had the strength inside me for you to maintain your close friendship with him, to work with him and see him every day. I have found that I do not have that strength inside of myself. I hoped that you would see the pain and sorrow that your continued friendship and feelings for Aaron have caused me and continue to cause me. I hoped you would make a conscious decision to end all of this on your own.

You have told me the following:

Aaron is my best friend, and I need him.

I find Aaron physically attractive.

I love Aaron.

I am in love with Aaron.

I believe that all of these things that you have stated should be reserved for your husband. They should be reserved for the man you committed your life to on July 1st 2000, in front of our family’s, friends and God.

Amber, you are an adult and you are free to do whatever you choose. I can not, nor do I wish to control you or your life. What I can control is myself and my life. I have chosen to take back my life and pursue my own happiness. In choosing my happiness, I have decided that I will not continue to be married to someone who continues to work with and communicate with the man they had an affair with. I have too much self respect to tolerate the cruelty and disrespect that these actions subject me to. You have made it very clear that you will not give up your life with Aaron.

You were able to find the courage to ask Aaron to leave his wife for you. I am now asking you to find the courage and compassion to leave me, and file for a divorce so you can end the pain and suffering you are causing me and our family. Please show the same respect for my heart and happiness as I did for yours, if you can't find this courage and compassion for me, then I fully intend to start the divorce myself. END THE LETTER HERE.

Your concern for Aaron and his family's happiness shows that you have compassion inside of you. “DELETE OUT THIS PART AND THE REST OUT”

Regards BJE49

[This message edited by BJE49 at 6:22 AM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

Personally I would edit the part where he says he's asking her to divorce him. He should say instead that he has decided to file for divorce as she has already made her choice.

Why give her all the control? The idea of getting out of infidelity is getting control over your own life . So you tell her you have decided to file for divorce and do it!

[This message edited by 1survivor at 6:49 AM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

This is not EA my friend.

Reading your posts you seem ok with her having affair,hell you even support her saying if that is what she wants you will be there for her.

At least tell OBS.She is mother of 5 kids and deserves to know.