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You are playing the "pick me dance". You are better than that and deserve more. You deserve respect. She is going to need IC. What she did is not acceptable or normal for a healthy person. Then you need to tell the OBS. If your wife actually thought that he would leave his wife, then there is a good chance the affair is not only emotional but physical. Please read more in the library. She made her choice. It was the OM. He doesn't want her enough to leave his wife. Your wife is willing to be whatever he will give her. You must not be willing to accept what is left. Time to 180 and start D. Get your ducks in a row. It doesn't mean you have to follow through if your wife gets an epiphany. Just a show of force that you mean business and are not going to stand for this emotional and possibly physical relationship with this man. If she chooses to stay, then she needs to find a new job. Have transparency. Go to IC.

If she chooses to leave or is forced to leave because she will not go NC(no conatact) You should still inform the other betrayed spouse (OBS) that your wife is in love with her husband and asked him to leave her and her family. I am sorry, but that is just cruel on your wife's part. Asking some man to tear his family apart. You might need some IC to help deal with any pain and trauma. I would be disgusted by my husband if he had asked some women to leave her family. I haven't been there that deep, but on a moral ground...I would probably have left my husband if he had done that. I would have lost too much respect to live with him.

I am so sorry you are going through this pain and betrayal after 17yrs. When you are done going through the initial shock it might help to take stock of what that 17yrs have been like with her.

What was she like? What were you overlooking about her that you accepted out of love? The personality to cheat doesn't develop overnight. It has been there for a long time. Selfishness. Entitlement. Need to be the center of attention. Lack of self-confidence. Things like that which might be character flaws that you accepted. I would not go to MC right now. She needs to figure herself out first. That is her responsibility. Going to MC would be the opposite of 180. You need to show her what it is like to lose you, her family, and the marriage.

I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to read this and respond with your advice. We have a MC session on Thursday evening, I am going to ask her to go NC with him. I will not ask her to leave her job, but I will ask her to have NC outside of work and to open all of her password protected accounts to me, except her work email.

If she will not do it, then I will contact the divorce attorney I have already chosen and start the process.

1. Why are you choosing to stay in an open relationship until Thursday?

2. NC does not work. Not once in the history of this site has it worked. Look at the thread by 20yearsin for a pertinent, recent example.

I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to read this and respond with your advice. We have a MC session on Thursday evening, I am going to ask her to go NC with him. I will not ask her to leave her job, but I will ask her to have NC outside of work and to open all of her password protected accounts to me, except her work email.

I really hope for the best for you but am pretty sure you're going to end up calling the divorce lawyer if you follow this path. First, MC is a complete waste of your money if she still works with and communicates with OM. That boundary has to be non-negotiable.

Handle this passively and your WW will lose any shred of respect for you that she has left. Nobody respects a doormat and nobody can love someone they don't respect.

Read the healing library here and listen to these people that have been where you are. They know what works and what doesn't. They've seen people go the route you want to go and they've seen if fail time and time again. Please realize you're too inexperienced with something like this to make the best decisions about it. These people have lived it, some more than once, and seen it hundreds of times. They have experience. Listen to them.

Hurtinghusbandinwisco, I’m with longforgotten with one addition tell the other BS not for vengeance, even though you may feel you deserve it, you do it because it’s the “RIGHT” thing to do, she needs to know now, one reason is of the possibility of STDs you need to get checked out too for this, but mainly if the roles were reversed wouldn’t you want the other BS to inform you or a best friend if they new, I know I would.

I have never put any faith in MCs; I believe they are a waste of time and money,

ICs yes! But you need individual ones not a joint one, they do all the hard work anyway, and as they do all the hard work why on earth do you need an MC for, and while I’m on the subject an IC and a MC can’t be one and the same (wear the same hat) it just does not work, so if there is any chance of R you yourselves should be able to handle it once it reaches this stage with continued input and support from the ICs.

Having said that I think as longforgotten does, that your marriage quite clearly over, and you would only be choice “B” in the end anyway if things changed, and nobody wants a sham marriage, Lawyer up serve the D papers, and plan a better life for yourself, but you will still need an IC to help you come to turns with what your wife has done to you and show you how you can recover and heal.

Regards BJE49

Frankly that is a very bad plan... as long as they work together she cannot be no contact and having an email that you cannot see garuntees that she will have a way to communicate with him. While I am a proponent of reconciliation it will only work when the wayward is 100% all in on fixing the mess they made.

Here is a better plan....

* stop marriage counseling for now - it is a waste of time until the wayward get out of la la land

* contact and inform the other betrayed spouse that her husband is pursuing a relationship with your wife

* don't ask DEMAND that she go no contact

* don't ask DEMAND access to all devices

* give her a deadline to either find a new job (a short one)

* consult with an attorney TODAY and find out how divorce works in your state and what your rights are

* be prepared to file immediately if she will not agree to your terms to ATTEMPT reconciliation

* don't hide or keep her secrets

You also need to be prepared for the very real possibility that the relationship was much more than she is letting on now.

Being passive and nice rarely works.. your goal is to be out of infidelity and to NOT be a backup plan for your wife. Forceful and unambiguous actions getvyounout of infidelity (one way or the other) much more efficiently and with (overall) less pain and frustration than by dragging it out or doing the 'pick me' dance...

You are not listening to the people here with years of experience.

You should not even be in MC since she is still in contact.

You should be talking to a lawyer.

NC without her leaving her job is worthless. NC while she is still in love with the AP won't work.

I understand you think you need time to process all of this, but there are so many threads here that start "I wish I had taken control right from the start".

The stronger you can be the better. Just asking for "NC" but letting them work together will be seen as being weak. And it will drive you crazy. She'll probably agree to it cuz she still gets 8-10 hrs per day to be with him and be physical with him in the closet.

A strong stance would be to tell her you are done with MC, that if she is in love with him she should go be with him and to get a lawyer to serve papers. You dont want her if she's just going to pine away for him.

Move 1/2 the money from your joint bank account to a new bank.

Contact the OBS and make sure she knows what is happening and find out what she knows.

Until you have a remorseful spouse, demanding she goes NC will not work.

The actions you need to take to control the situation are the things that will make her realize what she is doing to you and your family. If she doesn't realize how she has hurt you or care or feel bad about it she is not a candidate for R. Save your money on MC, it won't work until she is remorseful.

You need to be strong. You say you want to do anything to save your marriage. Well these are the things you need to do. You need to be willing to end it to save it. Sounds counterintuitive but it's true.

Read and implement The 180 found in the healing library.

Don't be passive, be aggressive, otherwise you are telling her you are ok with living in an open marriage, and are too afraid to do anything about it.

If you allow her to continue working closely with this idiot then you are basically sanctioning their relationship.

You are making a big mistake. It is not possible to be NC if they work together.

What do you value more, her job or your marriage?

In my case the affair went underground. I had no way of checking as the VAR was clear, the phone was clear, but guess what was not? Their work email, for which you will have no access and neither did I because of security.

Even if you do have access, they will speak in person and arrange a quickie after work while you look after the kids while 'mommy works late'.

We are all telling you to out the affair to his wife and drop marriage counselling as we know what works and what does not.

Save your 200 dollars for the next MC and book a lawyer.

Some are telling you to demand that she quits and demand that she goes NC.

That is a bad idea. That'll make her defensive that you're trying to control her. You can get to the same place without going that route.

What you say to her is you're an adult and can do what you want. I can't control you and I don't want to. What I can control is myself and I WON'T be married to someone who continues to work with and communicate with someone they cheated on me with. I have too much self-respect to tolerate cruelty and disrespect like that. The choice is yours.

Cincykid hits the nail on the head.

What I can control is myself and I WON'T be married to someone who continues to work with and communicate with someone they cheated on me with.

How can you reasonably think she will keep NC with the man that she is in love with, who is her best friend and her safe companion. Could you stay NC with the person you love working right there with you in exchange for keeping your word with the man you do not love. Does that make rational sense? She will pine for him for 60 long minutes the first day of NC, before she can't resist and rationalizes a reason for contacting her safe, best friend. You may or may never know, because she is a lying liar that lies. All cheaters are. It defines them. It is a kind of broken that you cannot fix.

Listen to Cincy. Take control of your life and let her rise or fall on her own choices. If you are hinging on staying based on her agreeing to NC while working with the man she loves, it is not a solid basis for gaging a successful R. I wish you well.

Listen to Cincy!

So you tell her in MC that she has to go NC. She will reluctantly say ok and reluctantly allow you to see or even help compose the NC message. And it will all be a sham because a WS always thinks they are smarter than the BS and that she can go underground and you won't know.

The first thing is contact OMs wife and tell her all you know with any proof you have. That will slow it own a lot and perhaps stop it.

Next, see the attorney to learn your rights and to be ready. If by a month or so after you tell his W yours hasn't started talking AND behaving like a person who has remorse and wants to save the M and help you heal, file the D papers and serve her. That will tell you if trying to R has a chance. St that point she will either finally get it and become remorseful and begin working hard to save you and the M or she will continue to treat you as plan B/important only for the paycheck. And then you will know whether to push forward with D or have the lawyer put in on hold while you see if R is going to work.

It's time to get PISSED. Why haven't you exposed to the OM's wife? You should be exposing immediately. Time to blow up their fantasy world. Stop with MC. It's a waste of money and time.

Does she make more money than you? Are you fat, bald, short? What the hell is wrong with your self confidence? It's time to be a man and not let your wife cheat on you. Expose to both of your parents, and the OM's wife. Stop letting her walk all over her. Let her go.

I'm curious... how much sex have you two been having these past couple of years? Is your marriage even worth saving? I'm guessing you have been living as roommates and you are scared of living alone and seeing your children 50% of the time. Be honest with us.

[This message edited by GuyInColorado at 12:37 PM, August 7th (Monday)]

I speak from a place that my H had a workplace A. It is not possible to go NC if they still work together in any way. Especially in the case that your W has expressed feelings for him. This is a ripe situation for the A to continue or at l say cloud your M. I have often heard many BS not want to insist on this. Several months down the line I think you will understand if you don't just how hard that will be.

It is your right to ask for this if you need it. If she wants so save the M, she will do it. It is easy to find all the reasons not make the change. My H changed jobs. It have given us the chance to get some traction and make progress. Please think about this more.

Until my H changed jobs they were NC otherwise but still saw each other. That is not NC. My anxiety and stress was getting to me knowing that they did see each other. I could not get a real sense of stability and security. I wondered what it felt like and I why ty thought when they saw each other. I wondered if she would reach out to him. It just isn't healthy.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 12:54 PM, August 7th (Monday)]

First, I am so very sorry you are here, and very sorry that you have been made Plan B.

Second, I echo everyone's sentiments, but wanted to comment on telling the OBS. That poor woman probably has no clue what's going on regarding the A, but she does know something is amiss. I'll bet your WW's OM is treating his wife like shit and she has no idea why. She's blaming herself, trying to make sense of it all. It is not fair that someone (you) knows and can give her a fair shot in deciding if she wants to get out of infidelity.

And remember, never tell your WW you are telling the OBS. Just do it. Please.

Your WW needs professional help. Let's say this A ends and the OM or she gets another job and so on and so forth. If she does not get IC (NOT MC) to get to the root of what is broken in her to have allowed herself to make such a terrible choice, chances are extremely high that she will do this again.

Sending strength....

Lala

Lets start here; Why are you going to MC? MC is for marriages that need help- communication and things like that. You do not have a marriage right now. There is you; that wants the marriage and there is her; that wants to be treated like she is single and/or be married to her OM. Do you feel responsible for her affair? Betrayed spouses that feel they are responsible for their wayward spouses that stray usually choose MC. Either the wayward spouse specifically blamed them or the betrayed spouse felt they weren't good enough.

She isn't going to stop the emotional affair because she will continue to get fed at work. It is common sense. It is where it started, it is where it will continue to be.

Listen to what CincyKid said.

What you say to her is you're an adult and can do what you want. I can't control you and I don't want to. What I can control is myself and I WON'T be married to someone who continues to work with and communicate with someone they cheated on me with. I have too much self-respect to tolerate cruelty and disrespect like that. The choice is yours.

I did the same thing and it got results. I told my husband that I refused to be Jimeny Cricket to a grown ass man. I know what I want and how I will tolerate being treated. I will choose depending upon your choices. It was easier for me because my husband was already kicking the OW1 to the curb.

hurtinghusbandinwisco: I just wanted to add one more thing. You may get your wife back by being complacent in how you are being treated (though I doubt it). If you get her back the wrong way, you just might find that you resent yourself and eventually her in the process if you do it incorrectly. Meaning, allowing the "pick me dance" to go on or becoming complacent/subordinate to earn her. At that point the marriage will be hollow anyways. You are the prize. Not her. She is just a cheater at this point. Nothing worthy about who she is in the moment. It doesn't mean she can't be in the future but this isn't going to be the way there.

Tell your wife's boyfriend's wife.

It's so much more romantic that he told her he loves her but will never leave his wife.

So the affair continues and the OMs wife doesn't know, but you do.

And your WW pines for him because there could be hope.

Sounds like a lot of drama.

Tell the OBS. Do not tell anyone you are doing this. Make sure you have any evidence.

When the AP pushes your wife in front of the proverbial bus, present her with papers and conditions for reconciliation.

She has a lot of things wrong with her, but YOU are not one of them. You are the prize. Stand up and realize that, say it over and over.