Stayed, I'm really sorry you're hurting. My experience is very different from this:
Us R folks though, we make a bunch of excuses for our cheaters. We talk about how they were good moms and terrific wives except for that little period where they weren't. We admire and take comfort in their remorse - the more tears and contrition the better. Now the cheater clearly sees the error of their ways. Now, not then, but now. We take comfort in that because that surely means we won't face another d day. Now they know it was wrong. Not then, but now. Now they understand the depth of their actions. Not then, but now. We see them struggle with some bullshit whys and hows. We polygraph and have endless discussions to get some version of what happened. We read books and go to IC and MC. We do the "work". We follow the formula presented here at SI and how to help your spouse heal to the tee. We do give them a get out of jail free card. The courtroom tears worked on us.
Among other things, I know my W cries when she is feeling something strongly, and it's usually painful, and my heart goes out to her, but tears don't give me any guidance about what to do. Her tears are hers to take care of. If she wants me to act, she has to ask me to act - and I feel free to meet or reject her request.
I never gave a shit about her 'whys'. All I care(d) about was the changes she was willing to make.
I've always believed that she is responsible for her healing, and I've usually acted on that belief. If she wants help from me, she has to ask for it, verbally or non-verbally. (I've been pretty good at reading he non-verbals for 3-4 years; before that, requests had to be verbal.)
The 'work' allows me to feel better, to accomplish more, to get more pleasure from life. What's not to like about the 'work'?
At a very fundamental level, I'm OK knowing that we are imperfect and that we fail each other from time to time. Sometimes the imperfections are major; sometimes minor. Sometimes the consequences are major, even for minor failures; sometimes minor, even for major failures. The fact that consequences aren't commensurate with failures bothers me immensely, but I haven't been able to change that fact.
Also at a very fundamental level, I never thought I had any ownership interest in her; she had made vows to me, but she was free to unmake them, with or without notifying me, and I was free to make my own response.
I've pardoned my W, hoping that she and others might pardon me. There but for the Grace of God go I.
The SI formula for R that I see is be strong, don't take any crap from your WS, see if you can build a new M, and take from SI what makes sense and ignore the rest.
I don't mean to imply that's the only way to interpret what 'SI' says, but I do think it's hard to interpret SI's message the way I've quoted it.
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And why is anybody giving any credence to what people who know nothing about recovering from infidelity think?
Before one is a BS or WS, that's all one has to go one, but once we're in it, we know 'society' has no idea what they're talking about.
If you want to survive and thrive after being betrayed or betraying, I think one has to shut out what society says.
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:03 PM, November 1st (Wednesday)]