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arrange a 3some

What in the actual fuck?? Like, really? She said this?

arrange a 3some

What in the actual fuck?? Like, really? She said this?

Yes, she is also bi-sexual apparently (wasn't disclosed prior to M). During her A with OM she was also texting chicks on a dating site. One day she told me about it and asked if she could try being with another woman to explore her bi-sexuality. I didn't like the idea, especially because she wasn't having sex with me. I conceded and told her she could so she did. She told me about it after and asked if she could see her again. I got freaked out and said no, end the communications. She did, but little did I know she was fucking another man the whole time. I just though that maybe she was more into girls or it was some kind of phase she never explored in college.

Ever since DD she keeps saying that to help heal me she would arrange a 3some. Well that hasn't happened yet mainly because I've never had a ONS or sex without emotion/love/intellectual connection so I don't know how I would react to it.

Skins

Get out and divorce her immediately. This woman is a low creature. What I would say to her would be, you did not touch me for years, and you gave what was rightfully mine to someone else, now you want to keep me by bringing another woman into our bed? How about this, fuck off, fuck right off, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I am going to find my peace and happiness first, then I am going to find a woman younger, prettier, and who will not deny me while fucking a guy from work. Oh boo hoo hoo, all of your health concerns that kept you from fucking me, but certainly allowed you to fuck others at work? Hope those health concerns are terminal. Have a nice day bitch.

If you are done then stop talking to her about stuff and go see a lawyer. Don't curse her out or any other things as suggested. If she is willing to part amicably then go see a lawyer get the papers drawn up and "keep the peace" until the paperwork is signed.

All this desperate energy she has can easily turn into fuel for her "let's fuck over skins in the process party". If you are done come here to vent but continue to move forward with the legal stuff now. Vent to your IC or here on SI. If you want to curse her out and tell her about herself do it AFTER the ink on the paperwork is dry. Just my 2 cents

Yea, Crazymixedup has the right mindset but as good as saying all that would feel, probably it wouldn't make good business sense as far as the divorce process goes.

Make it amicable, do a no contest divorce if possible, it will save you a shitload in attorney fees. You both are young enough that the asset split shouldn't be too big a headache and no kids so not custody agreement.

It took me a week to have the papers drafted and signed by X and I. Don't make it harder by swatting at the beehive, but be ready to drop nukes should she get greedy.

Ever since DD she keeps saying that to help heal me she would arrange a 3some

I don't think she gets how the "healing" thing works...and I'm certain I didn't see threesome mentioned in any of the infidelity books or healing library.

Ever since DD she keeps saying that to help heal me she would arrange a 3some

I'm sensing a ton of emotional immaturity here. Most mature adults don't equate sex to be some magical all-in-one problem solver.

I'm sensing a ton of emotional immaturity here. Most mature adults don't equate sex to be some magical all-in-one problem solver.

That's what she's working on in IC. She has zero understanding of her own emotions (lacks emotional intelligence) and has problems with empathy. She can compartmentalize relationships like most guys do. It's all due to her fucked up childhood which she is now also trying to understand and heal from.

Honestly she's just like most WW. She craves attention and uses sex to get it. Then she complains that people only want from sex from her.

[This message edited by skins21 at 4:43 PM, December 14th (Thursday)]

****UPDATE****

Have spent the past 11 days on vacation with WW. We had some fun on our own. Skipped the family xmas and ate sushi and drank Saki instead.

We had many discussions about the upcoming year, selling the house and the future... I told her that I would get an apartment with her for 1 year instead of separating for 6-12 months. I guess my main reason for doing this is that I can tell she is genuinely remorseful and is starting to change. When I told her I wanted to get a place with her she was overcome by happiness.

I'm willing to try and R for another year to see what happens. Who knows, maybe she could become the wife I've always wanted... in the meantime I will work on getting myself mentally, physically and financially healthy.

Expecting hero be the wife you've always wanted?

Be prepared fior disappointment.

You should be in IC if you aren't.

I too have considered a trial separation. Mainly because my WS is still trickling our the truth. For me, it’s all about, well, me. I feel like a separation will allow me the solitude and emotional distance to survey the entirety of the damage and figure out where we really stand.

WH asked if it’s cause I want other people and I can honestly say the idea of any relationship with anyone at this point is just too much. Perhaps your falling into that ‘the easiest way to get over one person is to get under another’ mindset? Be careful. I’ve never done it so don’t speak from experience but it just seems like that’s a recipe for pain and damage all around.

If you separate, it should be for you. Not for the chance at an accessory relationship. Otherwise your just walking the same path your WS did, albeit more openly.

Expecting hero be the wife you've always wanted?

Be prepared for disappointment.

I'm definitely optimistic about our chances and just wanted to exhaust every last effort before I do throw in the towel. Maybe it's just for my own conscience to know that I tried everything to make things work between us.

You should be in IC if you aren't.

I'm not in IC and don't plan on starting. My WW keeps telling me to go and even said she would pay for me. I just hate counselors and our MC wasn't helpful at all. I'm perfectly capable of reading books and articles on my own without the direction of some over priced talking head.

A month ago you were not optimistic at all. Your feelings towards her hadn't really improved in a long time. You seemed ready to try someone else.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with giving it another 12 months, but what changed besides a 2 week vacation?

MC didn't work because you are still reeling from the betrayal. Your WW isn't a candidate for MC either, because she thinks the solution to infidelity is introducing MORE partners into your sex life. Anyone here could have told you that MC was a waste of time.

And not all counselors are good and know how to deal with infidelity. Find the right IC and allow them to help you.

Jumping into R is also a bad idea. You want to save your M, which is understandable. However, until you know that your WW is ready for it, it is a waste of time. Do you have confidence that she really understands what type of marriage you envision? Does she understand the boundaries that you will need her to maintain in order to have a M? Do you understand those boundaries yourself? Probably not. Again, that's understandable. But until you do, R will not work.

A month ago you were not optimistic at all. Your feelings towards her hadn't really improved in a long time. You seemed ready to try someone else.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with giving it another 12 months, but what changed besides a 2 week vacation?

My feelings are slightly better than they had been when I first signed up here. During our xmas vacation we reconnected more by spending more quality time together. We started talking about the future and I decided that I at least give it 12 more months (typical lease terms). I guess I want to be sure I've done everything possible, exhausted every resource just to see if this shit is remotely salvageable (I know the statistical probability is extremely low).

I'm still very much sitting on the fence. I guess the only thing I really decided was that I'm not going to live on my own and I won't be getting involved with anyone else next year.

Focusing on healing myself and stacking cash are my priorities for 2018.

My WW wife and I did this exact scenario last summer. In my case, it was a bad idea. Now that we are closer than ever to R the issue of "who did you date?", "are you still in contact?"...etc,etc, still comes up. I think it adds more issues and drama should R be your goal. Just my 2 cents being I've been there

My WW wife and I did this exact scenario last summer. In my case, it was a bad idea. Now that we are closer than ever to R the issue of "who did you date?", "are you still in contact?"...etc,etc, still comes up. I think it adds more issues and drama should R be your goal. Just my 2 cents being I've been there

At this point it's either we get an apartment together after the house sells or we just split and D.

This month 1/23 is my DD anniversary and I'm already triggered. I've been non stop texting her at work. I slept only 2 hours last night and was depressed all night. I think coming back to this website all the time puts me in a bad place emotionally sometimes. Reading all of the horror stories just triggers my own...

WW Bday is next week and that also is a trigger. Last year I bought flowers, jewelry and a cake for her bday. We celebrated and then she just went to sleep. I asked her if she wanted bday sex and she said no. I thought that was strange because bday sex used to always be the best. Now I don't want to do anything for her bday. I am taking her to the Jaguars playoff game on Sunday though but that's for me too.

Today is my WW birthday believe it or not, I've been good so far, last year was a tough one, as she checked out early in the evening to be with OM.

Don't get me wrong I do believe the moving out, separation idea is good, but if in your heart (and only you know that) R is what you want, and maybe she does too, these dates, hook ups, whatever they may be, will haunt you, I know they do for us. So if in the future you don't want to add to the drama and already immensely complicated R, then don't date/see other people. Jmo.

I don't blame you. I never had any luck with IC either, fww. Just seemed to talk about the same shit session after session. It would feel good the first time to get stuff off my chest, then it just got bleh... Some people love IC, some people not so much. I can't stand the self-help books too, though. I guess I'm a hopeless cause, lol. Too set in my ways...

As for trying again with the wife, I understand. My ex was checked out when we split, your wife seems like she really wants to make it work. She probably needs some work to fix some strange thinking she has regarding fidelity, but maybe it will work out. Won't know if you don't try. But if things go bad, don't be afraid to walk.

Happy DD! Best anniversary ever!!! Kicked it off right last night with a nice fight during our weekly discussion.

She wanted to discuss getting an apartment (realtor is scheduled for next week) but I told her that really wasn't a discussion. Then she got all pissy and we went back around in our usual feedback loop of anger. (she pushed me away, i stopped paying attention, she sought attention at work, blah blah blah). We got into the argument of why we are trying and why she is worth a second chance (I had no reason this time). Then I told her that I don't think she has told me ALL of the details over the course of the 4 year affair. She insisted several times that she's told me everything. I think pressed, have you told me all of the places you even had sex. After several rounds of back and forth she admitted she had sex in the Kohls dressing room before. That is so fucked up because a few weeks ago when we were shopping she suggested we do that. The store was really busy and I felt really uncomfortable (I would hate to be kicked out of a department store). Now I know she was only doing it because she did it with him. If I had known ahead of time I probably would have done it just to reconquer that territory.

That just led to more fighting which led to me sleeping on the couch. I don't even want to have sex with her now. It's like she doesn't understand the concept of full disclosure and she is still hiding things in the name of sparing my feelings. Bitch please! My feelings have been crushed for over a year because of way worse things than that.

At this point I don't know what to do and am really depressed on this wonderful anniversary we all wish never existed.

[This message edited by skins21 at 5:44 AM, January 23rd (Tuesday)]

Surely you know what to do. Start planning your new life. It's taken me a while to reach the same conclusion but there is a creeping inevitability about it all.