SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Great work, ZoeS! I think a lot of us on SI just breathed a little sigh of relief. So glad you got through your trip and you're home.

Still, it felt like I did what I needed to do and said what I needed say (or not say) while being really true to myself.

Awesome. It doesn't get better than that. No matter what advice you get, what you've described here is where it's really, really at.

I did not respond and got a latte.

Sweeeeeet move.

“this isn't the end, it's only the end of what was and the start of something better for us”.

Yeah...it's for you to decide what this is and what your life will be.

I am in Canada now, and I checked up on him. He's already sleeping over at her house.

At this point I'm sure you don't need anyone to tell you how incredibly horrible this is. But simply as a person bearing witness: it's beyond horrible. Coupled with his words and actions before you left on the plane, it's just manipulative and cruel. Life can be so much better than this.

Keep up the great work and please keep posting.

I wish I could have pulled a super boss move but I didn't quite get there. Still, it felt like I did what I needed to do and said what I needed say (or not say) while being really true to myself. I feel no regret about my last day.

THAT WAS THE SUPER BOSS MOVE ZOE. No need to be showy or flashy. You held it together, remained indifferent to him, and got the hell out of there on your terms. That’s all we’ve been saying.

Now, take some time to rejuvenate. Maybe stop watching where he is for a week. See if you even need to after that.

Get a good IC that specializes in infidelity and a good TOUGH divorce lawyer. Start those processes. If he shows up at your doorstep we can tell you what you need to do next (1st thing ... tell him to go stay in a hotel or with a friend until you are ready to talk to him).

In the meantime let your family dote on you a bit. Yes they will be bossy, but hey so am I. Don’t do a lot of disagreeing with them, just listen and take what you need.

Reconnect with old friends and find some activities to fill your time. Look for a job or think about going back to school. The possibilities are endless Zoe. You’ve taken the hardest step. There will be more, but not quite as difficult after you’ve flown away from him.

We’re here. Keep posting. Get some rest.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:11 AM, March 1st (Thursday)]

Ps. If you haven’t already it’s time to BLOCK him from all your social media. Everything.

Then as others have said, block him from your cell as well.

If he wants to reach you he can write you a letter.

If he wants to see you he can knock on your family’s door.

To be honest, the next communication you have with him is when he is served D papers.

I know it is all easy for me to write. And much harder to do.

Maybe make a list of all the things you need to do (Set up IC, meet with lawyer, exercise, take up hobbies, separate bank account, block phone, block social media etc....)

Then ask a different person for help with each task. Ask them to make sure you get it done.

Just some thoughts. Welcome to North America. Glad to have you here.

Zoe, I am sad for you but I am really proud of your strength. I believe you are doing the right thing. You are on your way to healing. Definitely go NC in every way.

Zoe,

You were put on your warrior princess and did what you had to do to get out of an untenable situation.

I know it was hard to do.

Strength!

Thinking of you tonight, and praying for strength and peace for you.

Thanks everyone. It did take a lot of strength and I'm trying to stay strong. I'm really struggling.

I realized that while I was still with my WH, I was really focused on trying to make the nightmare end by getting him to choose me over the OW. The hope was like a shield against what would otherwise happen - what's happening now. I guess I was in denial about how horrible he has been to me. Now that I am away, it's really hitting me hard.

He was truly my best friend for so many years, and I feel a massive sense of loss and grief. I am moving forward, but I am devastated all over again, maybe truly feeling it for the first time. I have a counselling appointment next week, as well as a meeting with a lawyer.

He has sent me a few emails. I responded to only one to let him know I had arrived (because I said I would). I have not replied since then. I know the advice is, don't talk to him again, just send him divorce papers. But honestly, that doesn't feel right to me. He has no idea that I know he is continuing the affair. As far as he is concerned I left to heal myself and he is doing the same, and he told me he plans to come to Canada. I know all of that could have been a total lie, but it doesn't make sense to me to just stop talking to someone without telling them why. I don't want to ghost him. I want to tell him why. I want there to be a moment of searing pain for him, a moment of realization. That I know.

I didn't confront him the first time, when I first found the Skype messages. I kept pressuring him to tell me the truth. I want to confront him now. It feels strong. I feel like I have been weak and just let him get away with everything. I don't want to feel that way.

I need help with the wording. I read other posts about "lovingly detaching". The advice is, just keep it light and say "I wish you the best and hope you'll be happy with the OW, no need to choose anymore because I'm choosing. Good bye". Does it have to be that way? I want to express some feelings but I know I need guidance.

He won't care. Your feelings and pain didn't stop him when it was right in front of his face daily:..what difference would it make now? He doesn't care...and that sucks. It's a reflection of him though - the question you need to ask is - Does he deserve a window into your soul? Has he earned the right to know how you're hurting?

It should be short and to the point. You don't want a back and forth endless exchange of Why? Why? Why? If you give him too much of your pain he wont feel guilt he will feel like you will always be there for him. Still, I know it feels good to write everything out. You can write your "letter" and post it here - See what the forum opinion is and what should be taken out and why. Then make your own judgment of what to send.

Hi Zoe

This stuff is very hard so dont worry about the ups and downs you are feeling.

You may want to wait until you meet with the IC and the Lawyer before sending anything.

But it’s true that if you do really feel you need to send something it shouldn’t be long and drawn out. I can understand wanting to be clear that you intend to end the M because of his actions before starting down that path.

If you want to post a draft here first and get input and editing we can certainly help with that. Best to be very clear in what you state. I don’t remember everything you know and how you know it but it’s usually best not to divulge your sources as you may then lose them.

This is by no means the only way to do it and others may give alternative suggestions but saying something like “I know you are still continuing your affair with ‘Alice’ and have been the last ‘year’. This has broken my heart. You vowed on our wedding day to love, respect and cherish me as your one and only, not someone else. You have broken that vow. I deserve better than a 3 way marriage. Since you have shown no signs of remorse for what you have done or taken any actions to end things with her, I will now take steps to end our marriage and get out of your infidelity. Since you were not strong enough to choose me and defend our marriage from outside influences, I am choosing to end it. Shame on you for what you have done to us. I will be working here to start my new life without you.”

Again, it’s importsnt to be clear that you are moving on without him. As far as the anger you want to convey I would say express it, but keep it minimal and “sane”.

Take some time with it. No need to rush it. And again, if you want to post it here we can help. But in the end it’s your message to send.

Remember, anything you convey to him. He will share with her.

Zoe, Zoe, Zoe.

I’ve read your thread. YOU. ARE. AWESOME.

Let me share a bit of AA sponsor wisdom freely given me in my early recovery.

“ everything after the word ‘BUT’ is rationalization & justification “

Here’s a revealing exercise assignment for you. Read back over your posts and truly focus on everything you stated after the word ‘But’. Ask yourself, “Self! Why did I feel the need to say that”?

(See a pattern? See how that works?). IDENTIFY & Work on ‘that attribute’ that you discover about yourself. It will empower you and become a positive tool in your recovery from this emotional shit show you’re now (involuntarily) cast to act in.

Shields Up Doll. You’re going to make the right man Extremely happy. And YES. He is out there. In a few years, When you’re healed enough, Go Find Him.

Zoe,

Please don’t send anything till after the lawyer. Please stay no contact.

You were doing the pick me dance and he was eating cake. He knows he isn’t healing. He thinks you believe him. If you need to divorce it is a business transaction. If he calls don’t answer. If he calls your family have them say she is,ill we are taking care of her.

This is right now about your grief. He immediately went to her.

That makes this the art of war. Never give your opponent the advantage right now he doesn’t know you know.

He is getting his sexual healing. Which means healing is space for you. If anything tell him your thinking need space will contact him next week that is it.

Please please realize he doesn’t deserve to hear from you till your ready. Your not ready. Lawyer up therapy up give yourself some time. He isn’t worried about behavior no fair.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 10:38 AM, March 2nd (Friday)]

I know the advice is, don't talk to him again, just send him divorce papers. But honestly, that doesn't feel right to me.

At the end of the day, you have to do what really, really feels right to you. Remember how you had no regrets about how you left Germany, and how you felt that you were really true to yourself? That's important.

Our job here is to pick apart the minutia of your situation and options, give you some opinions based on collective wisdom (which is real and usually spot-on). Your job is to actually walk this crazy walk. No one here is "right" -- only you, ZoeS, are right.

I personally feel that sending a final message of what you know and the direction you're moving could be a healthy, productive thing for you to do. I do think it will be *very* important for you to get help with wording, and -- even more importantly -- to plan and anticipate for 1) what your husband will do and say in response and 2) what you're going to do and say moving forward regardless of what he does and says. You should not have any communication without a solid plan that you're committed to.

Part (not all) of the push from lots of people for no contact is simply to help you protect yourself from manipulation and abusive behaviors. Once your husband realizes that you know he's having an affair, lots of things will change. He'll take his affair deep underground (you'll lose evidence), convince you that it's over, say and do all sorts of things intended to get you to not divorce him. He may immediately book a flight and show up at your doorstep. You need to anticipate this, think about it, and figure out what you're going to do.

As far as he is concerned I left to heal myself and he is doing the same,

This is not true. As far as he's concerned he's got you pretty much where he wants you, hung on a wall in Canada for him to pick up as soon as he's ready if he decides that's what he wants to do. In the meantime, he's having all sorts of great sex, dinners, dates with his girlfriend that he's sure you don't know anything about. As far as he's concerned, he's in complete control and has his wife in a neat, tidy place.

He has no thoughts that he's "healing" right now. He's having an affair.

I want to confront him now. It feels strong. I feel like I have been weak and just let him get away with everything. I don't want to feel that way.

Yeah, I think you should do it. Write something up, get a little feedback here? But if you can, also talk a little about what comes next and how you think he'll respond and what you'll do then.

Checking In Zoe. How are you doing?

Hi everyone, thanks again as always for the good advice, and thanks Stevesn for checking up. You were all right about what to consider if and when I say something to him. I was at a real low point during my last post, and PricklePatch you were right I was not even close to being ready to decide what I really wanted to say. I just let him know I need time.

I was feeling so low, and so anxious, my sister recommended I go to the doctor and I got some medication. The doctor was very understanding and supportive, and prescribed something for anxiety/depression, to help me sleep, and for panic attacks if needed (I've had a couple of those). It's definitely helping. I still feel the sadness, but it's not overwhelming me and making me physically ill.

I needed some time away from the forums, I was trying to focus on other things, which was helpful for a few days. I have been taking extra good care of myself, and somehow this is really making me feel good.

I spoke to a lawyer a few days ago and am getting something in place to protect assets and basically begin the divorce proceedings. She was very good, and said it was fine if I still needed time to decide, it's just a first step and doesn't have to be final if I'm not ready (she could see that I'm not).

I had an appointment with a new counsellor who is absolutely lovely and made me feel lighter. I'm very optimistic that she can help me. It was a world of difference from the horrible counsellor I had in Berlin.

I visited with some very supportive friends and started back to work. I am thinking of applying for a job.

All of my experiences in Canada have been so positive, with great supportive people. When I expressed that, my sister said, "This is how people are. You've just been in Germany too long." Honestly, she's right. When I think of the context of my life for the last years in Berlin, it's no wonder I felt so terrible, regardless of what my husband did. I felt so low and isolated, I put up with his crap because he was all I had. People in Berlin are famously unfriendly. I would feel so happy if someone returned a smile in the grocery store - it was that rare.

There are still a lot of things that are uncertain and awkward right now, for example when people know I'm back in Canada they will start asking questions. I don't know yet what I want to say and who I want to share with. I especially want to avoid questions from my WH's parents. But I can handle it. One day at a time.

My husband is sending longer and more detailed messages "wanting to be clear" that he loves me, wants to be with me and make amends. I am still thinking about what I want to say if anything at this point. I am going to confront him about staying at her house again, but I will wait until the asset protection measures are in place.

Thanks again everyone for being so caring and giving it straight up when it's needed.

Zoe,

I am glad your taking your time. I would screen shot when you see him at her place.

Your no the right track with the attorney and IC.

As for his family just divert, day your ill or something.

By doing the 180, your seeing him become more vested in keeping you open as an option. His longer letters, etc. it is hyperbole and guilt. He is gaslighting you and his self probably to ease his guilt.

The longer you need space the longer they will get, till he gets angry you abandoned him. He is totally wayward. Is there any way you can get what you need from Germany without going back?

Really happy to read this update. Keep up the good work!

Hi Zoe

So glad to hear from you. What a great update. I’m glad being back in Canada has been so beneficial for you.

It sounds like your family is being helpful as well. I know they love you, even if at times they might push you.

Great job on getting the new IC and starting the legal process.

You in no way owe him any response before having him served papers. But if you want to be prepared you could start a list of what you would need to see before you’d ever consider trying R. I’ll PM u the list I have captured from various threads here as a starting point.

That way you can be prepared if the discussion ever gets to that point.

In the meantime keep up the great work. I know we are all very optimistic you are on a path to happiness. It will take a while, with ups and downs for sure, but I’ve no doubt where the path you are currently on will take you.

Zoe, When people ask why you're back in Canada, just say "It was time". It was. That's all they need to know.