SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know you are having sex with Alex Asshat

I wasn't aware that OP had divulged his name.

Hey 2018, sorry you find yourself in this mindfuck.

First of I’d just like to echo the advice to calm down. Try to avoid making reactionary decisions fueled by your anger that you are likely to regret later. Easier said than done, I know.

The advice I’m about to provide comes from my own hindsight and 5 year journey post my first Dday. I’m not saying you have to follow any of it, but having the benefit of hindsight, it’s what I wish I would have done.

I’d confront her immediately. The passive aggressive attempt to see her come to her senses with the flower stunt is only going to lead to disappointment on your end. In this act you are assuming that her affair has something to do with you. That somehow showing her that you are the “ideal husband” will stop her cheating. You are implying that she is cheating because you aren’t the ideal husband. Sorry bud, I hate to burst your bubble, but you aren’t even a factor in why she decided to cheat. She’s screwing around because intern boy is making her feel good about herself. Because she has a void within herself this kid is how she’s decided to fill it. So if you want to wait it out and see if she decides to go on this trip unaware that you know, I guarantee you will be disappointed.

Confront her now. Chances are best she’ll cancel the trip. It’s also very likely she’s only really going to do it to save face, because she was caught. And once again, it still has nothing to do with you.

You see that’s the biggest thing with affairs, the act itself is selfish in nature. It requires a selfish mindset to carry on with it. That selfish mentality doesn’t just disappear once they been caught. In many cases they will actually double down by minimizing, sharing partial truths and omitting others, or even flat out denying (gaslighting). This too isn’t about you, but once again, her natural instinct to save face.

So you have an exit plan, great. I wish I would have been wiser and more prepared to accept that possible outcome early on. I see no problem with going this path immediately, I also understand waiting on it for a bit. The important part is that you are informed and have a plan.

Scorched earth is terribly destructive. With long lasting consequences. Many of those consequences will affect you. If you think sharing the texts are going to prevent the marital rewrite, well you are underestimating how much thicker blood is than water. Personally I would give it some time before you decide to expose the dirty details to family. Let yourself calm down a little. If you decide to tell them, all they really need to know is she was having an affair, it’ll be obvious to them soon enough.

I would confront your wife first before involving your kids. Not because they don’t deserve to know, but she is their mother and regardless of her current actions does deserve that respect.

Finally, consider separation. Some distance can be very helpful and healing on your end. It can also be telling on her end. If there is one thing I regret to this day, it was not separating immediately upon discovery. Not because I believe it would have changed the outcome of my marriage, but because being together was just so devastating post discovery.

Take care brother. Strength.

[This message edited by Loukas at 4:02 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

The others are right in that you should never divulge your sources. Once you do they’re gone. Drive them crazy wondering how they slipped up. Make them wonder if someone saw them, etc.

Also showing all your proof does them a great favor. You give them a framework to make up the most minimized story that fits.

You have a great advantage in that you already have overwhelming proof. I don’t know how much you want to play with them.

For example you can tell them that you found one hotel receipt when you really found two. Then see if they confess to more than one hotel stay or swear on your children’s lives that there was only one.

Again, I’m not sure how much you want to play with them and what that would accomplish.

Personally I would enjoy telling them when they were all set to enjoy their weekend. The idea of their “Oh $hit” moment happening when they were together in their love nest would be fun. Oh the panic. They might even fight and blame the other for being caught.

I also like the idea of sending the flowers and a note to her work. I would tell my wife that it was a test and that all she had to do is not go for R to happen but she chose the OM.

They have already had all kinds of sex. The idea that they might have sex one more time on the trip is no big deal.

Let her go on the trip and call the hotel. Call her hotel room, not her cell. People today don't even realize that hotel rooms have a phone. Often they're caught off guard and the OM answers.

Then have the divorce papers ready when she gets home.

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:31 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

She forgot that her iMessages and emails were synced to a very old pad she bought for me. Therefore,I have all of the text messages, emails, photos of them alone and with each other.

2018MLMM

This would be very valuable to monitor after you confront and during the divorce proceedings. If you tell them about it they will quit using it.

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:40 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

There seems to be a reluctance to tell your wife that you know she’s having an affair.

At the same time, you seem OK with telling your kids that their mother is having an affair.

And then some talk about “playing” with them and revenge. As if this was a game.

You don’t “win” divorce. You don’t get points from the kids, friends and family and the one that gets the most wins a prize. You must know people that have divorced – ever bothered to ask them to justify their decision to divorce? Ever asked them for proof that their ex had grown apart from them?

Send her flowers? Look – the woman is having an affair. To justify her actions to herself then chances are she has a dismissive view of you these days. She thinks she’s getting away with going with loverboy for a whole weekend. Think a bouquet will change that???

Just tell her you KNOW she’s having an affair with Asshat. Don’t have to tell her how you know or listen to her denial. YOU KNOW.

You are in so,much pain that your ability to process things is impossible. Take a deep breath. Now, the first thing is to inform the OM wife. Please do not send anything in the mail to anybody. This is called revenge porn and people have been prosecuted for it.

Your wife is cheating and acting like a complete idiot. If any of those videos make it to the net they live forever. You need to ask your attorney how you should share the info. The OM wife should have it but do it legally.

The fact that your wife is leaving for the weekend is no worse than what she has already done. Be calm and tell her that you know all about the affair. Tell her you have informed his wife and that you have an attorney. Then get a tall glass of something and sit down and just rest.

Do not get your kids involved. She is their mother.

Thank you, everyone

Do you know where the “conference” is being held? Did she says the hotel she is staying at?

If I was in your shoes I would surprise her by showing up! Act like your trying to do something romantic. Then you can bust her in the action with AP so that way she don’t have the chance to talk her way of out it. It’s all going to be right there.

But if you can’t show up to surprise her then I would talk to her before she goes. Tell her you know what’s going with her and she needs to come clean now. I would not say I know your cheating or there is someone else, just flat out say you know what she’s been doing and demand she tells the truth now or you will D and have paper ready when she gets back.

If it were me I'd have papers served to her at their hotel room.

I'd also expose to his wife at the same time.

Nothing like Good timing.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:45 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

Sending the video may be illegal. You may want to check.

It is ok to expose that she is having an affair.

What I do not understand is the timing.

You said you are sending flowers and will wait to see if she heads out after work.

How are you going to file and get her served in so little time.

[This message edited by rambler at 8:41 PM, March 21st (Wednesday)]

What happened to the scorched earth, serve her at the "conference", change the locks, and tell the kids plan? You had seemed pretty committed to that.

Rambler, lawyers told me that she is scheduled to be served at hotel on Friday between 5 and 6 pm.

Only question will be if she is there and Ayer reading text messages she sent before going to bed, she will be there.

So it appears that while it may not be the end, it I appears to be the beginning of the end.

Need to stop reading this for awhile. Emotions are going all over the place.

Rambler, lawyers told me that she is scheduled to be served at hotel on Friday between 5 and 6 pm.

Only question will be if she is there and Ayer reading text messages she sent before going to bed, she will be there.

So it appears that while it may not be the end, it I appears to be the beginning of the end.

Need to stop reading this for awhile. Emotions are going all over the place.

Good. At least being served early in the evening may spoil some of their fun.

((2018))

Quick backstory. I was like everyone else who always said "if my H ever had an affair, I would leave and divorce him. No self respecting person sticks around after something like that." Why did I say that?? Because in a gazillion years I never thought I would be a statistic. EVER. We got along too well and had sex far too often for him to even think of needing it elsewhere.

Well....if I never thought I would stay for an affair, what the hell am I doing still married to my H after 4 affairs?

yes, sadly that is not a typo.

What I can tell you is this. I am glad I stayed. Dday was 3 1/2 years ago. I thought I would die that day. I can't describe the shock. But, then again, I don't have to. You know it all too well.

Here is what I have learned through my journey through hell. People can have multiple affairs when happily married. People can survive infidelity when both partners are united in their efforts to walk through the hell the other created together. However, what determines that is a few factors.

1. You have to decide that even though she has done dispecable things, she is still someone worthy and deserving of love. You will change your mind 100 times a day in regard to this question. That's the rollercoaster of emotions we speak of. Likewise:

2. She has to want to be married to you. Right now she is in Unicorn Fantasy Land and is getting her ego kibbles from her boy toy. Those ego kibbles are filling some inner void she has. Only she knows why she has it. Could be a generic "getting older, and the attention made her feel young and attractive again." Very very common one. So, how do you know if she wants to be married to you? You blow up the affair and see what she does.

For example, My H initially lied about any physical things happening because he was afraid he would lose me, but when I told him there was a chance to keep me if he was completely honest...and he only got one shot to be completely honest, he verbal vomited way more things than I ever found out. I thought I found out about one OW. He admitted to 4.

3. You lay your boundaries of what you expect should you give her the gift of reconciliation. You get to determine how you want to spend the second act of your marriage. Once you lay down your boundaries (and the upper left hand corner has all the gems such as No Contact letter, transparency etc.) then you step back and watch her either rise to the occasion or crash and burn.

4. If after exposing the affair to her and to boy toys wife, and showing her your list of "what you need to do to be married to 2018" and she wants to rugsweep or gaslight you or blame you for her choice to have an affair then you show her the door.

5 If, however, she realizes what she stands to lose and does everything on the list of your reconciliation terms, then you proceed with caution knowing this will be one of the hardest things you and your wife will ever go through.

IMHO your current plan is dramatic and your situation is enough drama without adding the theatrics. Sure, it makes for very interesting reading for those of us on the site but it's unnecessary. You will blow up her world the minute you tell her you know she is having an affair. I would call boy toys wife and let her know what's going on immediately too so your wife doesn't have time to warn her boy toy.

As for your kids. I have 5 and only 3 of my kids know. When dday happened, my goal was to keep drama out of their life as much as possible and my older kids didn't learn about the affair until almost 2 years into it when they were older. I would have shared with them if we had chosen to divorce but as long as R was on the table and we were both giving it 100% try then I didn't want to have my children's emotional welfare put at jeopardy. We do plan on telling my other two kids when they are older but right now they are teenagers and life is hard enough.

I will admit that I always like to see R given a shot when kids are involved AND when the WS is truly remorseful and does everything possible to help repair the damage done. However, I would never judge anyone for D. This is no joke. But, D is not going to make all the problems magically go away. It has it's own special issues that go with it. So, either way, there is no easy pill to swallow and be done with it. Whether you R or D you will be going through the emotions for a very very long time. I am sorry you are here. But so grateful you found us.

Keep Posting!

Hope

2018MLMM, sorry you are here... some good advise. You have your path and appear to be sticking with it.

Bigger brought up a good point about "points", but I would counter a bit in relating to what I think you are after.

With my in-laws telling the kids the why and so on went far with them, it does not remove the pain or damage but they have context and did not blame themselves as another divorce with infidelity did with my friends kids as with the break up by being kept in the dark in that "mom and dad just did not get a long."

With my in-laws, every one knowing and having the proof went a long way as well, it brought closure and "the cheating" spouse essentially did not have an out, "got the judgement they deserved" so to speak.

Years later now, there is no argument, no grey as to why and how or questions of credibility but with my friends to where with custody, stories go back and forth as to why and how. Lies now built upon lies, so having your ducks in a row and establishing the context while it is not "points" is a good thing and there is no prize other than if you think of it as context, closure and the removal ambiguity in arguments of the future where i have seen destruction and blame shifting tear the kids/family apart by trying to hide the facts early on... essentially the cheating spouse became emboldened as time went on because she was never outed/exposed. Your wife may or may not try to blame-shift but you have the proof and most people understand that cheating is 100% on the cheater.

Your part is to however keep it civil, she is still their mother, let the evidence do the talking basically.

What if she's not there at 5-6pm?

What if the server knocks at the door and they don't answer?

There have literally been pages and pages of "Don't let her go to the *conference*" but...

We'll see. I suspect the WW will come back and the OP will cave when she love bombs him.

She forgot that her iMessages and emails were synced to a very old pad she bought for me. Therefore,I have all of the text messages, emails, photos of them alone and with each other.

2018MLMM

This would be very valuable to monitor after you confront and during the divorce proceedings. If you tell them about it they will quit using it

^ ^ ^

I realise that you're taking a break from reading for a short while 2018MLMM, but this is VERY IMPORTANT

Biggest mistake to let this WW go away to have her

F fest with her OM.

How do I know?

This is not the first time I seen this hand played

out this way and the added damage and problems it

will cause from not confronting be she leaves.

The time to confront is now. She goes you still can

have her served at the hotel.

I agree with oldtruck. I'm firmly against sitting back and watching when you know these things are going to happen. I believe in confronting the situation and possibly salvaging the relationship. After the F fest that's almost impossible. She might be caught up in the fog and is not going to magically come to her senses. If, however, this is blown up in her face BEFORE the F fest that might snap her out of the fog, make her realize she's about to ruin her life, and bring her back so that they could salvage their marriage.