SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Emptyshelldad, Please check in. No need to provide any update - just let us know you're still here.

OTOH, if you do provide an update, you will almost definitely get responses.

Emptyshelldad - please check in, we care about you. I hope you are ok.

Hi, ditto to the above posters.

Please check in.

Many members here are willing to support you as best as we can.

Praying for you.

Emptyshell,

We are much alike. My first wife betrayed me in every way possible. She then became Mrs. xxx xxxx, and lives the life of a respected and very wealthy woman in New York.

At the same time I lost my career, and really lost any joy in life. Over time I recovered and found someone who managed to breathe life into an empty shell.

And then she betrayed me to the core.

I have literally been right where you are.

I will not attempt to tell you things will get better: I don't know that.

I will tell you that your suicide increases by 10 X the chance that one of your children will attempt suicide. I know you think you are freeing others: trust me I have the same thoughts.

But in truth, you will pass your pain onto your children who will fight all their lives against your example.

I know you are in pain and want it to end. I know exactly how you feel. But try in this moment to understand that your continued existence can spare your children a lifetime of pain. Remind yourself of their pain at your loss, and know that the idea that they would be better off without you is simply not true.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:08 PM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

Still here. Still dead. Got home to Montana. Our town has no.counselors, nothing like that, but plenty of guns, go figure. Just checking in to tell you guys I haven't checked out, yet.

You guys are truly amazing though. You give me lots to think about.

ESD, don't take the coward's way out. You're not a coward.

You're hurting. You're unsure and scared. Those are not reasons to off yourself. And your soul is not dead. That is a romantic lie you have told yourself. Stop believing it.

I'm so glad you're still here Emptyshelldad.

Our town has no.counselors

How's this for an idea - you can call a suicide hotline, just to talk. You can keep posting here, it's safe and we are all here for you. You can find an online counselor and meet by skype. You can look for pastoral counseling in a nearby church.

Just don't go away. We are here and we care about you. Let us carry you until you are ready to carry yourself. Don't transfer your pain to your children - they will never forgive themselves.

((((Emptyshelldad))))

Plenty of guns, you say... Make sure that if you get your hands on one, it is only loaded with empty shells, ok? That's not for us, that's for your kids.

Emptyshelldad, stay with us. Stay away from the guns.

Glad to hear back from you. Glad you are still with us. I think about you every day. You are important. You are REALLY important to your kids. I’m sure it is not your wish or intent to hurt them, but your suicide WOULD hurt them. In ways you can’t fathom at this time. Please stay with us — for them.

Please research a virtual counselor. Certainly you could do a FaceTime counseling session or similar. Please look into it.

Don’t give up. One day at a time. One minute. One hour. Give yourself time to heal. You CAN heal. We want you to SURVIVE infidelity.

So glad you checked in.

Continued prayers for you.

If you need to talk to specific members here who you feel are supportive, I'm sure any one of them would gladly PM with you to help you through this dark time.

I have a son who is almost your age, during the past four years he went through hell with two different relationships...I mean hell...the most recent one blindsided him, and somehow he is managing to trudge along and move forward.

You can move forward, too. You need to take your focus off the marriage and place it onto yourself and your precious children.

Do you have a church with a pastor or counselor that might be able to help? You don't necessarily need an IC, perhaps just an objective ear to listen.

Thanks for checking in.

I spoke before about that "spiral of thought" that always ends in the same place. That spiral is self-reinforcing simply because the thoughts become so familiar and the thought-path associations become more ingrained in our brains. Simply put, the thoughts become more "natural" the more we have them and breaking those thought paths becomes harder.

That's why an outside intervention is important. Not necessarily outside of yourself, though that is the quickest path, but you have to introduce new thoughts and new paths in thinking to break the old ones.

Here's a quick start: Suicide is a quick solution to a hard problem. Why is it the only solution? What can I change to get to a different solution? What can I change in my situation that gives me other thoughts?

Speaking as you:

I have pain right now. It is overwhelming. What can I change besides suicide to lessen or end my pain?

Am I depressed? I can get on anti-depressants for long enough to change my thinking.

Is my pain from the situation? I can (I really, really can) get out of the situation. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is _not_ a train.

Can I be so selfish, can my pain be so very great, that I can end my life and cause lots of harm to those I love and who love me? Can this coping mechanism be a healthy one? No, this coping mechanism is not healthy. It is selfish and self-centered.

There aren't any counselors around, but there _is_ a phone number to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Can I call them, instead? Yes, I can!

Back to speaking from my own perspective.

ESD, you don't need the suicide coping mechanism to change your situation. You don't need to cause your loved ones to be wracked with thoughts of, "If only I had done more!" and "What could I have done?" and the other, similar, thoughts that humans give themselves.

ESD, I am so glad to see an update from you! Please consider that your children need you, and please consider that you can create many sources of strength in this world, including, but not limited to, family support, self-care, and generosity to others. What activities help you feel stronger?

I second the recommendations of others who have counselled you to restrict your access to firearms.

The book _The Journey from Abandonment to Healing_ by Susan Anderson has been very helpful in getting me stronger.

You mentioned that there are few counselors where you are, would it be possible to try to locate trauma-informed counselors who are willing to work with you via video call?

I, too, took refuge in a relationship after infidelity and a traumatic breakup, only to have that new person betray me. I have only now begun to realize how little I had actually processed the original infidelity, and consequently how bad my "picker" was. (In my case, this all happened more than 30 years ago, and all of these useful books and useful research had not yet been developed.)

Again, very glad to see you check in.

So ESD how are we here are going to help you put a

plan together to get to this.

What is your goal, recovery or divorce?

[This message edited by oldtruck at 8:15 PM, April 12th (Thursday)]

"You give me lots to think about".

"One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "my son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all".

"One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, worry, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego".

"The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith".

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "the one that you feed."

ESD when you're alone with your thoughts which of these two wolves are you feeding?

Maybe try feeding the good wolf and see how that makes you feel, but more importantly your outlook on your journey in this thing we call life.

ESD it all starts with controlling the thoughts you play over and over in your mind.

Praying that you find the courage and strength to seek the peace that you are seeking. It's out there ESD but it starts with a decision to seek it and than take one step at a time because you know why? YOU ARE WORTH IT AND THOSE TWO BABIES OF YOURS ARE WORTH IT AS WELL.

Seek and you shall find!!

Montana's so beautiful.

Can you give yourself at least 30 minutes a day to try and clear your thoughts and just watch a sunset or touch the earth in some way? You can find peace and relief from this pain. Take a break, you must.

Maybe just for thirty minutes each day. Let yourself have a break from your feelings. Just sit and breathe. Just for thirty minutes, and later on for longer. It might not seem that you have the strength to let the feelings go, but you do.

Sometimes my sad thoughts will race especially before bed. I take the time to let them go. They're only thoughts. You can make them important or not. I'm not saying it's easy but if you can let them go and take yourself in your mind to somewhere peaceful, you will recall to yourself that you can heal. You will be practicing healing every day.

Empty,

We can all relate to the feelings that your are having. We've all been there and done that. You're a man right? Start acting like one and buck up buddy. You have kids that need you, friends, family etc. Killing yourself isn't going to do anything but hurt your kids, family and friends. This pain is temporary I can assure you. You will always have the scar brother but it will hurt a little less day by day I promise. That is of course unless you choose to wallow in it. It's hard to imagine that you'll get over the hump but it will happen if you let it.

When I found out on dday, I felt totally emasculated. Wanted to kill myself etc.. huge ego blow...how could she...not my sweet wife.. That was until I learned that no one could take my manhood away from me. She didn't give it to me nor could she take it away. That was the day that I picked myself up off the floor and took action. I made demands, set expectations and let it be known that I would not tolerate any bullshit now or ever again.

You are in control of this situation. Get in the drivers seat and start driving. Don't aim for the cliff, get out on the highway. You need to project strength my man and respect yourself. I don't usually respond or post much on here anymore but your post resonated with me. We're all over here yelling like Mick yelling at Rocky "Get up you son of a bitch". You can do this. I don't pray as often as I should but I'm praying for you.

Empyshelldad, how's things?

Hi, please check in again.

Sending you virtual momma hugs.

Empty how are you doing my friend?