SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The reason we are all telling you to inform the OBS is that at this point many times the wayward will take the A underground. The attitude your WW is showing, the rewriting of marital history and reluctance to accept full responsibility are precursors to going underground. If you inform the OBS it will significantly reduce the odds of that happening.

You can discuss your concerns regard avoiding general disclosure and possible the impact on your and OBS's children. If it ever does come out then you explain to your children that sometimes people make poor decisions and this is an example of WW doing that.

If you don't expose to OBS and she later finds out that you knew and didn't inform her you should not be surprised to find she is as angry at you as she is with them. Your not exposing forecloses her ability to nip the A in the bud. We have seen this happen.

This man is hunting. He is after your wife. He is not going to sit in the car in secret with a woman unless he is planning on having sex with her. If he’s good at it then he’s going to go very slowly and seduce her. Please be aware that people who do things in secret are doing it because they know it is wrong.

If you don’t tell his wife thenyou are keeping a secret that could alter your life 10 or 20 years down the road. This is grossly unfair of you. Your children and her children do not have to know anything as long as the four of you keep your mouths shut.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:40 PM, November 25th (Sunday)]

It isn’t just my embarrassment it is to do with the children. I don’t want them to have to deal with it at school. Even the slightest risk makes it a difficult choice.

I totally understand your concerns and your protection of your kids. In my case, the OM's career caused the affair to become public and then things did arise at school. That is an awful thing to see and have to deal with. I totally understand why you want to avoid that.

However, I'm very concerned that you are the one who is bearing all the weight and consequences while your wife is blameshifting and the OBS is unaware of how her husband is betraying her. The reality is that the absence of the natural consequences is allowing your wife to continue to disrespect you, removes a key motivation for her to recognize her own brokenness (and do something about it) and, ultimately, that all ends up impacting your kids in ways that is very destructive but typically doesn't surface for years. The reality is that your wife has already betrayed you and your kids. It's now a matter of figuring out how to best love and care for them despite what happened. That path is the one that helps you heal and, therefore, puts you in the best position to care for and model for your kids.

I'm sorry that you are in this position because your wife has left only bad and worse choices for you.

I understand why you're reluctant to tell his wife. But,here's the thing. Eventually,the affair will be discovered. OM will have forgotten to delete an email,or a text, or a message on messenger. Or a picture. His wife will,one day,come across it quite by accident. He will lie to her. She won't believe him. So she will start to dig for more evidence. Maybe she will run Dr Fone on his phone,or a similar message/text/pic retrieving app. And there it will all be. The messages and pics between her husband amd your wife. And,the messages from your wife, telling him you know. She will realize not only is her husband a cheater,but the husband of the ow knew about it. And no one thought she deserved to know the truth about her marriage,and her husband. She will be further humiliated that other people knew,but didn't tell her. She will be livid. She will be furious with your wife AND YOU.

Even if your wife claims there were no messages,or pics (which is a lie), OM has probably talked about the affair,and your wife,with his buddies. It seems men who are cheating like to brag about it to other friends who are cheating as well. So the messages she comes across may not be from,or to,your wife at all. But they will be about your wife.

You're assuming she will tell her children. There are thousands of betrayed wives on this site. If you read here for awhile,you will see that our instinct to protect our children is stronger than our anger with our husbands. That, while the kids may know dad had an affair, most mother's don't give their kids the dirty details. And we do our best to protect our kids from this shit storm.

Yes, you tell his wife. Not only because it will help prevent the affair from continuing. But because,by telling her now,you have some control over the situation. Instead of waiting for that day that his wife confronts your wife. You call her and tell her now. And, because you are the only one showing her any respect in this situation, you can ask her to please help you in protecting all of the kids involved. To save them from the embarrassment of having everyone at school know. She will consider you an allie, instead of an enemy.

Exposing the affair to the OBS is the single best thing a new BS can do.

Do not tell your wife. She's supposed to be NC,so if she says anything,you know she's talking to him. And,if you tell her first, she will warn OM. And by the time you speak to his wife, she will have been told you're crazy, jealous,abusive,and accussing any man your wife knows of having an affair with her.

It's the right thing to do for her...but most definitely for YOU.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:26 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

I’m going to be rather harsh. I think you need it because now you are defending one of the most hopeless stances I have seen for years. For me it’s like watching a blind man stagger towards a ledge.

Look at our numbers. Take for example me. Been here since 2005, over 7600 posts…

I’m not unique. There is a LOT of experience here. What you share and your fears… we have seen it all before.

On d-day the chances of saving your marriage start off at about 50/50.

There are factors that increase the odds of saving your marriage.

The biggest factor is exposure. Go back to my first post and the wording I suggested. It’s only stating what you already know. Expose and the initial result will be that your wife claims she had planned on working on the marriage but your immature act of telling the OMW changes all that. Only we KNOW from experience that about 9/10 the other men dump their affair partners to save their marriages. Being rejected is an immense turn-off and a reality slap in the face.

Expose and your odds go up to 7/10.

So, they work together… They run a kid’s club together…

Non-enforceable NC is possibly the second biggest factor that prevents reconciliation. The ONLY thing worse is an ongoing affair. If you could enforce total NC, plus exposure, your odds go up to 8/10.

Ongoing contact (as in them still working together) drops your odds from 50/50 to 1/10.

If you think having to expose is hard, then how will you react to THAT? Your wife and OM need to never work together again. EVER.

Add to that your wife’s reactions.

Add all three together:

your fear of exposure (thereby allowing them to easily take the affair underground)

that they work together (it’s like asking a recovering alcoholic to work at a bar as a wine-taster)

that your wife insists you are at fault and that she hasn’t done much wrong

and friend… You are fighting a totally 100% lost cause.

But maybe a divorce is less “shame” for you.

Maybe staying married and pretending to believe your wife is really going to the mall with the girls every Thursday afternoon is less “shame”. Maybe you can believe that she and OM were only discussing the kids club at the two-person conference at the Venus Motel.

If you want to save your marriage, then start dealing with this issue with the seriousness it deserves.

Tell OMW. Start working at them not working together. Don’t give a flying f@ck about what others say.

d264p8

Bigger is one of our foremost and most respected posters. Please, please pay attention to what he says!

I'm going to chime in here with a recent affair between a married mom and a married teacher that teaches at our local middle school that everyone found out about eventually. I knew who they were, but they weren't friends of mine. Students, parents, other teachers were all aware of it - I heard about it from my DD that was on the BBall team with one of their DDs. Couldn't ignore the topic - she heard way more than she should have known and she needed life guidance.

Both marriages ended in D. The A died away. Both the xWW & xWH plus the BH came to BBall games at the HS. It was awkward, BUT NO ONE blamed the BH. NO.ONE. Everyone treated the APs like they were a$$h---s for blowing up their families - the APs were the ones shunned. The kids kept their friends. Do not let the fear of other peoples reactions keep you from helping to get yourself out of infidelity. Talk to an IC about it. I am so sorry you need to deal with this. Wishing you the best on your journey.

I understand that she deserves to know but as soon as I tell her then my relationship is over. I am not willing to accept that.

Bud if that's all that's holding your realtionship together you don't have one anyway.

The truth fixes a lot of things.

I've never seen where helping to hide an affair gets you anything.

Right now you are living in fear. Not a good place to be.

Going to be blunt.... DO THE RIGHT THING... tell OBS. She has a right to know for both her relationship and her health.

If you ignore the collective wisdom of the members of SI and think the way you're approaching this is the right way then prepare for a rude awakening, we have literally read thousands of stories like yours, no your WW is NOT special, her behavior is typical and right from the "Cheater's Handbook".

Things you need to R successfully:

1)NC FOREVER with OM, they work together so one of them needs to quit and find another job, if they keep in close proximity then the A will most likely go deep underground or resume in the future. Also have her send a NC FOREVER letter to OM, one that's approved by you (no sweet goodbyes) and then you watch her hit send.

2)EXPOSURE with OBS and ALL family and close friends (at least with both your parents if alive), yes she needs to apologize for her HUGE betrayal. Nothing kills an A faster than full EXPOSURE with OBS, plus you gain an extra set of eyes to help ensure NC and you can exchange info about the A, OBS may have access to messages your WW deleted on her phone/email.

3)DEMAND full on demand access to all her electronic devices and passwords FOREVER, no questions asked, there's no such a thing as "privacy" in a M other than toilet time.

4)Demand she gets tested for STDs (full panel), by this time you should know all CHEATERS LIE, TT and minimize, even if you think they haven't had sex yet (which you really don't know), plus there are STDs than can be transmitted via saliva, but make no mistake, adults involved in an A have sex when in close proximity, and lots of it, maybe you caught her on time, maybe not, but 8 weeks (could be much longer) is really a long time just to hold hands and a peck, I know you know there's more.

5) Demand she goes to IC to find out her "whys" with a counselor that specializes in infidelity (don't waste your money on MC for now), remember you were in the same M and you didn't cheat, problems in the M are 50/50, her A is 100% her fault, she made a DECISION to cheat.

6)She needs to show true remorse (not just regret), but your WW is far from being remorseful, she doesn't even accept it was an A and is lying and minimizing. In order for true remorse to start, she needs to HATE the A and not think of it as something "beautiful and romantic", the embarassement and guilt caused by full exposure helps with that.

7) Consult a D attorney to know your legal options, and have her sign a postnup with an infidelity clause in your favor, if she cheats again (She's now a proven cheater and liar), she leaves the M without alimony/spousal support and you keep the lion's share of marital assets.

8) Follow the advice of those who walked in your shoes before here in SI, don't be another poster than comes here sometime later with a "You guys were right" thread or somehting similar, there's a saying here in SI that "you have to be willing to end your M in order to save it" if it can be saved at all, and it proves true all the time.

If your WW is not willing to come clean and you find this is a dealbreaker for you, it's OK, transparency is at the forefront of a remorseful WS, if that's the case just file for D and have her served without warning, D takes a long time and it can be stopped before it's final if she comes around and shows true remorse, if D papers and full exposure don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, either way you get out of infidelity.

Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial moment in your life

Thank you for the contributions and opinions. There is certainly a lot to think about and my head is a bit of a mess at the moment.

Even her attitude now - no affection, no apologies, no emotion, no effort, constant attacking me back, no understanding what I am feeling, more bothered about what I am doing.

Why is this?

She’s in the fog. You know why? Because you haven’t blown this affair out of the water. And you won’t be able to do that until you tell the AP’s spouse. Until then, your wife is in complete control. Also, you should have made it a condition that if she left the family home and went to an apartment then you will proceed with D. You are making massive errors to which you may not recover from. Please take the advice given here and consider it seriously. You need to move. Quickly.

[This message edited by Mene at 2:18 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)]

Tell the other spouse. This is a must if you want R. Otherwise, they’ll continue the affair. Don’t you get that?

Why is this?

..... because you spoiled her fun, and she is throwing a tantrum.

Just to add on to what the others have already told you, by not telling the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), you are leaving an opening for your WW to re-start her unicorn romance again, and by extension, you are enabling this possibility.

Can you let us know if your WW has any consequences from her A? From what you have posted, I don't see anything apart from her not being able to contact her boyfriend.... at least it is not as easy as before.

As they are still in contact thru the kids club, they are still in contact..... think about that. As long as they have access to each other that does not require trackable communications, they are still going strong.

Even her attitude now - no affection, no apologies, no emotion, no effort, constant attacking me back, no understanding what I am feeling, more bothered about what I am doing.

Why is this?

Because she is selfish in ways you never thought possible but for which she has proven she is. Her behaviors reflect what is most important and less important to her right now. She is more important to her than you are.

As other have noted, your situation and wife are by and large cut from the same cloth as most of the hundreds of stories that find their way to this Forum. We know it. We've seen it and experienced it. There are no unique cheaters. They follow the same handbook of selfishness, defensiveness, blame-shifting, "just move on", history rewriting script.

Why is she like this. She is self absorbed in her own me, me, me, and by the way, me head game. You want to think this is not who she is, but it is who she is. You've been given excellent advice from many people that have been there, done that, seen it, and know what keeps you in the shitstorm of selfish cheater and what can get you out.

Even her attitude now - no affection, no apologies, no emotion, no effort, constant attacking me back, no understanding what I am feeling, more bothered about what I am doing.

Why is this?

Because, in her mind, you are guilty of everything. You made her find a boyfriend. You made her cut contact with him. You are acting like a victim, when the true victim is her. Poor thing. She lost a friend and that terrible husband is acting like she has done something bad.

In other words, what you have here is totally remorseless WW. And the worst thing you can do is "underreact". A lot of us post DDay are afraid to overreact so we walk on an eggshells, afraid that if we do something harsh, our WS will leave us, will no longer love us etc. What we don't realize is that they already left us, that they don't love us (one doesn't do such things to the person you love, and if one does, then fuck them and their so called "love").

All that can change, but not because you walked on an eggshells. Most often it happens because you detonated a bomb over WS head.

You have to begin stacking explosives now. Start with a hard 180.

The way you say she's acting, it wouldn't surprise me if she was still in the A.

Welcome to SI.

Please don't allow the other man's wife to be me.

My husband was having a long-distance EA with a co-worker. Her husband worked for the same company, all three at different locations.

The other woman's husband found out about the EA, confronted both of them, they said they ended it, blah, blah, blah. Her husband chose NOT to inform me. HUGE MISTAKE!

One month later when my WH traveled to her site, the other woman met him at his hotel. The EA moved to a PA.

Had the other woman's husband informed me of his discovery, the affair would have ended there and then, and I wouldn't have lived through years of hell seeing them in bed together.

It's been 13 years since my D-Day, and I still resent her coward of a husband for not telling me. He could have saved such heartache for himself and me.

BTW, IMO, your wife is lying.

You are being way too soft, she dropped a nuclear bomb on your marriage. I went shock and awe, and it worked in my favor, it's not for everyone, but you cannot sit back and do nothing and try to figure her out.

Also, as far as phone tracking, she could leave her phone at work and meet the other man somewhere, and you'd think she was still at work. Not reliable, these cheaters find ways to cover all bases.

The best way to end an affair is exposing it, and the other man's wife has a right to know she is married to a POS, and her marriage is one big fat lie.

Also, don't entertain the thought that the other man's wife will shout out to the rooftops to other parents about the affair, she will be humiliated, embarrassed.

As stated above, my WH, OW, and OW husband all worked for the same company. There was no way in hell her husband would have wanted his other co-workers to know his wife opened her legs for someone else.

Tell the OM wife. She is also at risk for STDS and should be tested.

Bigger's post is spot on. Listen to him, he is offering a great deal of wisdom. Use it to your advantage.

[This message edited by annb at 6:14 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)]

Even her attitude now - no affection, no apologies, no emotion, no effort, constant attacking me back, no understanding what I am feeling, more bothered about what I am doing.

Why is this?

Because she is still in the A!

How many people have to tell you informing the OBS is one of the biggest factors in stopping this!?! Get over your fear of losing this relationship, the TRURTH is you’ve already lost it, it was over when your WW decided to cheat.

I just want to add:

Your wife needs to remove herself from the kids' club pronto. NC means NC, no contact. Period.

My husband's affair partner worked at a site on the opposite coast, I would not tolerate ANY contact, which included professional emails, as that's how their affair started. The OW contacted him once with a work-related question, and he shut her down immediately.

My WH began searching for another job, and it took him several months, but he found a great job, and one with much less travel.

Your wife must be NC with this guy, non-negotiable.

[This message edited by annb at 6:24 AM, November 22nd (Thursday)]