SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like the others have said, she was used by the OM, he probably asked for naked pictures so that he can show his buddies, and once your WW realizes that, she will be in for a very rough landing.

It shouldn’t matter to you (that your WW is falling to pieces) but your daughter might care, so you could tell your WW sister an update on the situation and that your WW will need some support.

Is OM married? It’s odd that he blocked her.

Not if he is a player. It was weeks ago when she had her vacation fling. He doesn't want to hear from some crazy woman from another country, he may have another desperate woman in his bed already. Love 'em, leave 'em and block 'em.

It appears the other man got what he wanted. He wanted sex with no responsibility afterwards. It appears that after the sex he wanted her to go back her way and he would go his. I think he considered it a ONS. What she doesn't understand, or maybe doesn't want to understand, is that he used her strictly for sex. She was an easy target and with a few sweet talking words got her in bed with him. Eventually, but maybe too late, she will see the light and know she was used as just another piece of azz for a man who has probably done the same to other women many times. Right now I think she is fighting that reality and refusing to believe she was used and the kicked to the curb. The POS may even come back just to hit it one more time but he will then disappear like smoke in the wind. This woman has ruined her life for a roll in the hay and a fantasy that will never become a reality. All Cr1spy can do is stand by and watch her burn her whole world to ashes. I do wish you well.

I expect everything about the OM is a lie. He’s a con man. Your wife has thrown everything away for sex. How sleazy.

I’m sorry you are stuck with a cheater. It sucks. For you and your daughter.

I hope you have cut off her credit cards, etc. Make sure she can’t tske all your money.

Be careful about selling off assets now. It will look like you are hiding things during financial disclosure.

Take care of yourself. Get a good lawyer.

I expect everything about the OM is a lie. He’s a con man. Your wife has thrown everything away for sex. How sleazy.

I’m sorry you are stuck with a cheater. It sucks. For you and your daughter.

I hope you have cut off her credit cards, etc. Make sure she can’t tske all your money.

Be careful about selling off assets now. It will look like you are hiding things during financial disclosure.

Take care of yourself. Get a good lawyer.

Please let SI know the day the "rock of reality" comes smashing down on her head and she sees what she has callously thrown away for a fat, womanizing, hard drinking, chain smoking low life of a man. What she has coming toward her, like a runaway freight train, is going to decimate her life for years to come. My advice to you is to love your children and live well. I would dare say there is good woman, out in the world, that is just waiting for you to find her after this nightmare is over. I do wish you well.

Hi, me again.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks.

So the threat of divorce had an effect on my WW. We've spent some time apart and shes come to decision that she wants to save the marriage. Social media profiles removed and blocks in place to help with NC.

We're back together, but the relationship is purely platonic. She claims to have no physical attraction to me. However, I'm besotted with woman. I wish I wasn't.

After a lot of discussion, we have agreed to take things really slowly. Starting with getting comfortable in each others company enjoying conversations and having a few nights out together.

I'm trying to do this because it seems the only way forward. But struggling to cope with the emotional distance between us.

Does anyone have any examples of couples coming back from this situation? Is it an exercise in pointlessness? Any advice on how we can work towards having a connection again?

Maybe you could treat her"episode" as a temporary insanity case? Maybe you should look into your own "besotted" state yourself?

It really is hard to come from infidelity, and it will be very hard to look at her while she will be mourning the loss of the "soulmate". Just be prepared.

It's possible, of course, it just depends what are you willing to endure and what kind of shit-sandwich are you prepared to eat.

I really hope she finds some decency and remorse soon.

Maybe you should look into your own "besotted" state yourself?

This is my biggest weakness.

I've contacted a lawyer and seriously looked into the divorce option, accommodation, asset splitting, shard child care, etc. I can see it's possible (but hard) to accomplish.

Can I imagine a life after marriage? Sure can. It's scary but I could do it.

In my life I've pulled myself up by the bootstraps. After dropping out of school at 16 with no qualifications; I've overcome a drugs issue, built myself a career in IT and created 2 businesses from scratch. In time, I could rebuild a successful life for me and my daughter. But...

The thought of losing my WW is devastating. Even after everything shes done to me. The hurt, lies, betrayal, cruelty and rejection. I love her so much which sucks balls at the moment.

I've been through breakups before, but nothing has affected me like this. I've always been emotionally restrained (discovering a lot about myself through IC). But on this subject, I am a wreak!

How much shit sandwich can I eat? I don't know. Been chewing through plenty of shit since DDay, suppose I can choke down a bit more.

I really hope she finds some decency and remorse soon.

So do I. Thanks so much for you kind words. The only advice I seem to get is "Dump Her Arse".

[This message edited by Cr1spy at 4:25 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

Your last two posts remind me of the title of that movie, something like "She's Just Not That Into You".

First, "I love her so much". Really? We know she's not very bright. After all, anybody with half a brain would realize she was played and used by Mr. Gooddick.

Second, she has low morals. A married woman who would so easily fuck a foreigner over a silly fantasy is not a person whom I would respect on a moral level.

Third, she's not a very reliable life partner. Getting so deeply buried in a fantasy life based on a single sexual encounter? What happens when you really need her but she is wallowing in la-la-land?

What is it about her you love? She has a nice bum and a pretty face? She's not giving you any ass right now, and her pretty face is not gazing at you with love.

Is that really the marriage you want?

2x4 coming...

You already lost your WW. Your relationship is platonic because she no longer loves you. She stays with you because she has no other choice... A remorseful spouse would be begging for forgiveness at this point and would be willing to do anything to repair what they have broken.

This is not your case.

I bet others will post with similar opinions. I wish your update had been about your WW having an epiphany, a "how could I have been so stupid and hurt you like this", but that’s not the case.

Perhaps you should reread all the posts in your thread.

You sound a lot like me after the DDay. I my case my partner was in love with his AP, he even considered having kids with her (she was 18 years younger than me), which was very hurtful for me, because we both decided we didn't want any. It was really hard watching him coming out of his limerence, but I was in the relationship for a marathon, not a sprint. So I stayed (besotted as I was and still am). It can be done, but there are times, when I look at his beautiful face, when he is so tender with the dog and I see his both faces, the ugly one too. After more than a decade I see him as he is, full od love and full of shit sometimes. Of course you can leave her, this is always an option, it's your call. Don't feel pressured. You can change your mind. We have the right to make our own mistakes. You will be ok, one way or another.

Said all this, I have to agree with other posters too, sorry...

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 5:19 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

Coming in on this thread late, I realize. Your story tugged at my heart and I am SO SO sorry you are going through this. I know how much this hurts and I also know what it’s like when you are still in love with your betraying spouse. I am currently divorcing my BS after 17yrs of marriage. Do I want this...Hell No! but he’s given me little choice to do anything but since he cheated before, and given his current ongoing behavior. I gave him a second chance. He didn’t choose me when it counted so now I choose me.

Life as you and your daughter knew it is over whether she is in ‘the fog’ or is finally out. I’m sorry. You cannot undo what has been done. Some part of her infidelity will always be between you so if reconciliation is what you choose, tread lightly and maintain high situational awareness. Check out the Reconciliation Forum here on SI. Whatever you do, however, don’t sweep this episode under the rug. That’s the fastest way to end up right back at square one. I know I did and here I am six years later but I’ll get through it. I agree with Bookworm. You’ll be okay, however it plays out.

Cr1spy

The real problem here is how will she ever build trust again?

If you come from a starting place of knowing that she’s not in love with you, how will you ever believe that she won’t go behind your back again to find what she is looking for.

Does she at least admit that she was taken for a fool by a POSOM who was only looking to use her for sex?

And what about the pain of being cheated on. It takes a long time to work thru the awful knowledge that the person you love and trusted most in the world have herself away physically and emotionally.

That’s hard enough to do with a fully Remorseful WS. But to try and get thru that while trying to rebuild with someone who has shown know sign that she cares how she hurt you is a gigantic hill to climb.

We don’t say “Leave her” because we are cruel. Honerstly im a rebuilder.

But unfortunately sometimes the only way to make a WS realize what they’ve destroyed is to actually let them lose what they gambled away.

I understand you are taking things slow, but don’t let that be a way for her to lull you into a lifetime with someone who doesn’t have you in their heart.

No matter at what speed, make sure she is taking the time and doing the work to actually win you back. Without love from her there is little chance for true happiness.

Keep posting. We really are trying to help.

When you ❤️ love yourself more is when you know you have won.

I battled through two DDays, false reconciliation, continued affair and hearing “I want a Divorce” on DDay2 and throughout the Affair period. I was like a yo-yo. Reel me and throw me away. Over and over. I was a doormat. I was a sucker. I was an idiot and avoiding facing reality.

I believed his words even though his actions contradicted those words.

And then the day came when I decided I deserved better than this and I chose me!! Backstory is he came home that day walked in the door and said “I want a Divorce”. Out of the blue.

He then pulled his usual routine and hours later is begging to reconcile.

But this time I did two things. Called the OW to find out the Affair had resumed months earlier. And then I calmly marched downstairs and told him I was Divorcing him!!

I was putting my plan B into place. Execution time!!

It was not a discussion but statement of facts. Exact words were “I am Divorcing you. I’m sorry it has come to this but I have nothing left to give to this marriage. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose”.

In one statement I took back my power in the marriage and restored my self esteem.

We did eventually reconcile and things are good. He continues to make amends even 6 years later. He has changed (in his own) and went back to being the guy he was before the Affair.

But not until I stood up for myself were things going to change. And it took me years to stop thinking “divorce” was in the horizon (my thinking not his). He worked hard to make amends.

I love my H. However I love myself more. I now come first. Not him. Not in a mean way but in a way that I needed to learn that I cannot sacrifice ME fir him which I did for 25 years.

And after the hard 180 I still do not cater to him. I don’t do his laundry or errands or anything like maid service. He has to fend for himself in those areas.

I hope this helps you to see while you love her, you are still in the weaker position because she knows it and uses it to her advantage.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:24 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

Only way to pull her back in is to do the 180.. And do it hard. I’d really recommend the book, “What women want in a man”. Become more alpha male type that doesn’t tolerate this garbage. People will treat you with what you tolerate. Don’t be a doormat.

Cr1spy, I went back and read your posts on this thread. Here is what I have understood from what you have written:

1. Your WW has shown NO REMORSE. Nothing you have posted has stated that.

2. Your WW has not shown you by any actions that she loves you or is attracted to you. In fact, quite the opposite.

Now that it may be sinking in that she has no chance with the OM, she tells you she wants to work on your M, but she isn't attracted to you. Does that sound like M to you? Is that a relationship you want to be in?

All indications from your WW are that she is only holding on to you for now, as she likes her lifestyle. While OM was an option, she had no problem kicking you to the curb, but now that option is no longer available. So she'll hold on to you while she finds her next OM, then she'll D you.

What you are describing sounds very similar to what I went through. After multiple AP's, i finally had enough and filed. I've been much happier ever since.

Regardless of my experience, your WW's ACTIONS are telling you she is not into R. She "wants to work on the M" meaning what? What is she going to do? You didn't lie and cheat. Are you supposed to do the work? Are you supposed to make yourself more attractive to her? F THAT!

The reason she doesn't find you attractive is she has lost respect for you. You did terrible things like be reliable, a good husband, provider and father. But that's not enough for her. The problem is, you are showing her that you are not going to stand up for yourself. You love her too much to lose her.

The best thing you can do is continue with the D proceedings, start the hard 180 and distance yourself until and unless she shows you some real effort to change herself. Don't put up with any crap. It will do two things. First, it will help you heal. Second, it may cause her to see you for who and what you are, which is a good partner. Whether she will figure this out in time, who knows. Stop doing the "pick-me" dance.

If she proposes M counseling, say no. How could you trust anything she says in counseling? And why would you be interested in hearing all of her excuses for why she cheated? You already know all you need to. Her needs were more important than honoring her vows, respecting you and your family.

Tigersrule is spot on. I too went through a situation similiar to yours. I have been in you shoes, as have many others. She doesnt respect you, and is not attracted to you. This does not have to do with your looks, so dont even pay that attention. It has to do with your ability to be a man. Its why the 180 is preached over and over here. It will guide you on becoming a stronger man who people will respect you for. Its also why I recommended the book, “What women want in a man”. The first two chapters are enough to really pull the blinders off to what you have allowed as a husband. Please take some advice from the wonderful people here and dont end up like myself. I didnt learn all this until after DD #2. When she found a better option and left me hanging. Your WW is looking for something better, and while right now that’s security with you, as soon as she finds it, she could very well blindside you again.

You can't make her love you. Don't make the mistake of projecting your love onto her. I love her so she must love me too, thing.

If her feelings don't change you have a high chance of a false R and going through this again.

You are letting your emotions guide you. Better start using your head.

I'm sorry for what you are going through Cr1spy. When you say this:

So do I. Thanks so much for you kind words. The only advice I seem to get is "Dump Her Arse".

I feel like I need to defend a bit this board. It is not that people here want to see your marriage end. They want to see you out of Infidelity and out of pain. Those two things might be different or they might not. I have seen threads on here where people reconcile and some of the same people on this thread that are pushing you to stand up stronger to your WW are cheering that reconciliation on. The difference in those threads and yours? A remorseful Wayward Spouse. You don't have one.

Nowhere in your thread have you said that she wants to be with you over the POSOM. In fact she has said to you quite the opposite of that. She would prefer to be with him but he has blocked her. I'm sorry but if you want someone on here to tell you that this is a recipe for success you won't find it. Look, she may come around. None of us know that for sure. But what we know is that what is most likely to shake up your WW and make her reevaluate you and this marriage is if you step up now and strongly show her that you will not take this disrespect. You need to show her that you value yourself and that you are going to be out of Infidelity with or without her.

Work on yourself, sure, but not for her, do it for you. Be the crispiest you can be!

And get out of this terrible state of Infidelity. It will ruin your mental and physical health. Resolve to get out of it whether that means she comes along or not. Set in your mind the criteria you have for a partner and then judge whether she is meeting that criteria now and likely to continue to meet it in the future. I can tell you for me one of the criteria that I had, and what eventually drove me to leave my WW, was that I wanted to be with someone that wanted to be with me above all others. Once I saw that my WW would never be that person. I moved on. Do the same thing, come up with your own criteria and judge whether she is meeting it. I don't think she is currently.