SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:31 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

I don't want to speak for everyone but I for one am extremely glad you found this place and listened to experienced voices before it went any further.

If I were to leave one more note, I would say to reassure your husband sexually, in words, with your behavior, like you never have before. Even if he doesn't show it, his ego has taken a huge blow and he needs care. You'll figure out the specifics of how - what he needs to hear and for you to do - and it might change over time, but I'd give it at least a year of DAILY proactive reassurance.

So glad you told your husband. That will help build intimacy.

Your OM's self confidence is magnified because he is basking in the glow of having his wife and you admire him. That admiration and desire does wonders for a guy's confidence.

Just saying, from the OMs POV this is spot on. Having multiple people want you makes you confident. He is not really confident without it. Just like you. It is the attention that boosts your confidence.

Keep focusing on why you want your husband to be the things your AP was and he wasn't. Why not focus on letting your husband be who he is and YOU become the things you wanted out of your AP. You like confidence, well learn how to be the handiwoman. I know the more things I learned and skills I mastered helped boost my confidence and self love that I achieved something instead of moping in my victimhood.

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:33 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

No doubt that you were looking for a way to feel validated in some fucked up FOO way. My APs were exactly like my mother. Acts of service and undivided attention to feed the ego and validation. Just like mom taught me. I was having an affair with my mom. MC helped me to see just how dependent my mother was on me and how I constantly put up with anything to get validation from her through acts of service.

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:35 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Justsomelady,

I'm going to quote what I said to you in a post a few days ago:

This is very passive thinking. The man is married with children. You're married with a child. Get ahold of your integrity. I believe you must demand that he back off. Tell him that you're done flirting with him and that you'll avoid him in the future and that you need him to avoid you.

Also, the fact that your husband is losing a friend is a very lame excuse for not telling him what else is going on in his life. Talking to him about your feelings will bring you closer together. Not telling him is isolating him from the reality of his own life. Right now you're in an emotional affair in my opinion.

You're playing with fire here. This guy can tell that you have feelings for him by the look on your face and your behavior. Again, you need to make it clear to him that the fun and games are over. Ask your husband to help you in this. Write a communication to him with your husband's help that lets him know that you only want that kind of attention from your husband.

Keep communicating with your husband about this. He can help you more than anyone.

My other thought is that you should find work elsewhere.

The solution is just keep on keeping on with avoidance right? So I just view him as an enemy and remind myself not to care what w thinks? I found myself feeling really mean as he looks angry/hurt by my aloofness/professionalism...but that is just the way it has to be right?

You need to work on a better understanding of this man's motivations and values. He willfully participated in hurting your husband with you, used you for his own pleasure, knew that it would be humiliating to your husband. When you feel 100% on your husband's "team" your feelings will come around. It takes time as well as active work.

And at the same time you need to work on figuring out what needs the interactions with this man filled for you and get them filled another way that is not damaging to you or your marriage. Do you want to feel wanted? Attractive? Smart? Why don't you feel that way already? Do you tell yourself messages during the day that undermine yourself? Where do those come from? Figure out how to get what you need from your husband, and figure out what you say to yourself that is self defeating and leaves you open to looking for short term boosts. Put in effort with your husband and he'll put in effort with you. Tell him what you need.

The next time you feel like a jerk, remind yourself/reframe the OM as a POS predator looking for a side piece with no regard to the pain to your husband/family. View his attention as an insult to you and your family. Get mad! Don't feel guilty!

I've seen it several times here and at other infidelity forums - the excuses, BS wasn't there for them, inattentive, etc., so the WS was, in a sense, forced to cheat because of their BS actions.

HERE is a shining example that the fiction above is not true. Cheating is a CHOICE.

Everyone is tempted at some point in their marriage. But not everyone cheats.

I hope OP does not make that choice, however from what I've read in this post, she's already stepped over the line.

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:30 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 10:29 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

I truly believe that you choose who you are attracted to. Choose your husband again and again. If you truly love him.

If you don’t or can’t. Go to IC because this will follow you for the rest of your life ( no matter what you choose) until you accept accountability.

The solution is just keep on keeping on with avoidance right?.but that is just the way it has to be right? It crossed a boundary before so it’s not like we can be chums.

Are you telling us or asking us. It sounds to me like you want to be friends with this man. The one that hurt your husband and family. The man that stabbed who should have your faithfulness in the back. You allowed this man to rob your husband and you are worried about looking like a jerk to him!!!! You should be worried about being a jerk to your husband. You should be worried about him wanting to be a jerk to your husband. Are you really attracted to the type of guy that can't get a single girl? (can't remember if AP is married)

Do you want to feel wanted? Attractive? Smart?

I am not saying this to be a dick but after you come out of the fog. This isn't what the AP is. At least not IMO. Wanted = easy. Attractive= willing. Smart=needy. WE think we are the things you are fooling yourself into being. You aren't. My AP wasn't those things. In reality she and myself were easy, needy, desperate, willing, loose. Whatever a healthy person sees cheaters as. You need to change your fantasy perspective and see the truth of the matter every time you get those butterfly feelings with your AP and see the reality and truth behind it. If your coworkers had a voice to tell you what they see, would they see what you just described or would they use more colorful language that isn't stroking egos any time soon.

What about that self work?

JustSomeLady (armchair psychology warning): don't panic about the lingering feelings around the OM, as long as you don't interact with him. Feelings are good as clues. They are not good as decision makers! If you have lingering feelings around the OM, that means that you still aren't getting what you want - to feel competent, sexy, smart, whatever. You need to get that from your husband. Tell him! He can make you feel sexy and I'll bet he really really wants to. When the feelings arise around the OM, don't agree with the feelings. Remind yourself that it's about what you want, remind yourself that the OM is a fake-confident airbag alcoholic who is OK with using married women to stroke his ego, then call your husband and have a mid-day bonding session. It will take a little time, and work, but you'll get there.

I'd like to take credit for being insightful but that's one of those things that is true for all waywards, I think. I know your IC is limited so you can spend some time on your own figuring out what the messages are that you tell yourself, where they are coming from, and how you are going to fight them. I use prayer, asking a friend, writing notes to myself when I feel OK, asking my husband (he looks at me incredulously when I fact-check some of my self perceptions, then reassures me).

Did you read Not Just Friends?

[This message edited by Pippin at 5:52 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]