Hi Reen,
I just want basic information like:
Why did you go out with him?
Who was he?
Where and how did you meet?
How was it decided that you would go out with him. Really sister’s idea?
Did you tell him about me?
Where did you go exactly?
Was the concert a real option?
Did you know I felt you were lying about attending the concert with your sister on the phone the next day but I buried it?
What did you do there?
What did you do afterward?
Did you make out in the car? Anywhere else?
Did he take you back to your sister’s or his place?
What time did you get home?
How “far” did you “go” with him?
Did you “go farther” than you planned with him?
How did you feel about it the next day?
Tell me about any and all other encounters you had with this guy!
Did you feel guilty when you wrote a lie in your letter telling me you went to a concert with your sister instead really going out somewhere else with someone else?
Are you being honest?
I don’t expect full truth if there was sexual activity. I’ll just have to live with what she tells me. The other questions, however, I want answered!!! I can put it all together in my head and then be able to finally, let it go! I hope!
What you have written there is perfectly reasonable, because those are the things you would have asked her at the time.
It can be incredibly hard to work through a list like that in a face-to-face conversation, because they can get derailed or go off in all kinds of directions that prevent you getting the answers that you need.
So I suggest that you put your list in a letter, with a suitable explanation before it. And then give your wife time to work on her response.
I think that could be the most productive way to try and get all of your questions addressed in one hit, and it gives your wife time to examine her conscience before she answers.
The key thing with an exercise like this is how you frame it. It is important to explain what the aim is, why you need the answers, and that you love her.
Just as your wife will spend time considering her answers, you need to look at your questions and consider - honestly - how you will handle the answers. Look at each question and think: "If I get an unpleasant answer to that, what will I do?"
Sometimes we can ask questions wanting the 'best' answer, for reassurance, and when we don't get it, it can be hard to deal with.
It's like a kid being put to bed, asking Mom, "Mom, is there a monster under my bed?", wanting an answer like, "No, sweetie, I just looked, and there are no monsters down there. Sleep well".
What we don't want is for Mom to look under the bed and then say, "Wow, yeah, there's three of them, and they look really angry".
So please take some time to work out what your responses will be if you get a less-than-desirable answer to each question. That is important for both you and your wife.
Your wife providing the answers is 50% of the process; you dealing with those answers is the other 50% of it. It can be a bumpy journey for both of you, so it helps if you prepare yourself for it, and you figure out what you want the final destination to be.
Also, acknowledge before you begin that this will be a tough thing for your wife to do. From what you say, you sound pretty reasonable. You are not doing this to punish your wife, or hurt her. But for her, it may feel that way, so this needs to be done with sensitivity and empathy.
I mentioned how important the framing of this is, and a letter gives you a better opportunity for doing this than a spoken conversation.
If I was doing this, for your situation, I would write something like this:
[Wife],
The reason that I am so bothered about that night twenty years ago is that I knew at the time that something 'off' had happened. You told me in a letter that you went to that concert, but when we spoke on the phone, I could hear in your voice, and in what you said, that you were not telling me the truth.
It hurt, and it bothered me, but I did not pursue it at the time. There were a lot of unanswered questions for me.
Now that evening has resurfaced, all of those unanswered questions have bubbled up to the surface too. And I think it is time that we cleared the air about this.
I want our relationship to be honest and open, and for there to be no barriers built of secrets or dishonesty between us. So I have written down the things that still bother me about that evening, and I hope that we can work together to put this thing to rest.
I want you to know that I love you.
I loved you like crazy back then, and I still do now. And I hope you love enough to be honest with me.
I am not doing this to make you feel bad, or to damage our relationship. I am doing it to get rid of something that has been sleeping in the background of our relationship for twenty years. I am asking the questions that I should have asked twenty years ago, so that we can finally work through it, together, as a couple, and finally be able to leave it behind.
And I think it has bothered you for all that time too, and that is why it came up in conversation a week ago.
Please understand that you have had twenty years to process that evening, because you know everything about it. For me, much about it feels new. That is why I need to have honesty, so that I can process it the way you have, and get closure on it.
I know that this is tough for you, and I would not be doing it if it was not so necessary for me to finally have peace of mind about what happened back then.
This is not about judging you, or putting you on trial. I am not going to judge you based on your answers. I understand that you were eighteen at the time, not the woman that you are now. I know that eighteen year-olds do not have the knowledge, maturity, and experience to always make the best decisions.
I loved you then. I love you now. Nothing is going to change that. [Note - if you are going to say this, be 100% sure in yourself that it is true. You really need to think about this before beginning this exercise].
Please, [wife], give me the honesty that I need to be able to get past this.
Now, if this approach does not feel right for you, that is fine. These forums work best when people kick ideas around, work out the pros and cons, and weed out the ideas that will not help someone get to where they want to be.
As I close this post, I want to return to what I said earlier about you preparing yourself for receiving some tough answers to tough questions.
If we ask a question desperately needing a certain answer, it can be devastating if we do not get it. Look at your questions, think about the best and worst case scenarios in terms of the answers they may receive, and consider how you will handle them (and if you can handle them).
My thoughts are with you, Reen.
