SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You've had 20 years of what you describe as a wonderful marriage. How lucky you are to so many of us. Are you really going to let something that happened when she was 18 destroy that? I remember myself at 18. I was an idiot. A virgin, church going, better than everyone else, thought I knew it all but knew nothing idiot.

If you had been in your mid 20s, maybe I could see the panic. But this? No. Of course that's easy for me to say because I'm not you. But I sure as hell wish I could say that I had a relationship like yours. Don't lose it over this.

I don't agree. You need to find out the truth before you move on.

Sorry but you need to know what exactly you are forgiving

I discovered a similar thing recently. When my wife and I were well into a committed dating relationship she told me about her "one that got away". She said it was several months before she met me and that he ghosted her after a few months of dating.

A week or so ago she was talking to our daughters about dating and about her experiences. She talked about her one that got away and how he took her to the Chicago Air and Water show. This kinda struck me because of when I thought that event was. I looked it up and discovered it was weeks into our relationship. She was dating him and me at the same time. I called her on it and then she got really angry about how petty it was to look it up and how it must of been some other event on the lakefront. Who confuses the Air and Water show for any other event? Nobody.

It really threw me and we had a couple subsequent arguments about how I felt it altered Our Story. Was I Plan B? We had a few really rough days.

My advice to you is to take a few days and not engage in any exchange over it. See how you feel then and come up with a tactful way to discuss it in a level headed manner if you still feel the need. Or maybe let it go if you feel you can. I am still a bit hurt and WTH about it, but she has been my wife for 25 years and I don't want that to change and throwing a wrench in the gears isn't going to make anything better.

All marriages have issues. I was married 25 years in what I thought was a pretty good marriage. Doing pretty well. The last few years were what I thought were the best. Turns out my wife cheated on me before we married with 4 different men. She was 19. I didn't know. Then she started an LTA in the 25th year of our marriage.

You need to know what you need to know. Had I known before we married we might have been able to work on it. I might have married her anyway. As it is, I believe we married under false pretenses. I wasn't provided major information that I should have had to make the most important decision in my life.

I agree with Western. You need to know what you're forgiving. What you're reconciling from. She needs to be open and honest and help you heal no matter the outcome.

Like @survrus said, Have her give you an all-inclusive written timeline of events and tell her she will need to take a polygraph to verify it. How well a polygraph works is a moot point because the wayward "spouse" will admit more to try to get out of the poly. It's called a parking lot confession. If you get one of them or if her timeline shows more than what she told you, you can bet there is EVEN MORE to the story. Definitely follow through with the poly no matter what. You are usually told the least that they can get away with, they always minimize.

Why did she fess up? Was it the beers or something that has happened in your relationship that may have made her feel guilty? If it is only what she stated(I'm still not clear if she actually went to the concert with him or they did something else) then you need to have all of your questions answered to your satisfaction however long that takes, and then forgive her and move on if that what you want to do at that time.

This will eat at you forever if you just rugsweep it without being satisfied that you have the whole truth.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 10:46 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

Clarification:

20 years ago on summer break from college, my girlfriend originally told me that she and her sister were going out to a concert. I was 800 miles away and I called her up the night after to ask how much fun she had. I remember asking her 3 questions about the show. Her answers were vague and she sounded nervous. I remember my stomach hurt so I let it go and moved on with our conversation.

Now fast forward 20 years to last weekend. We were reminiscing about our college days and the concert came up. That’s when she nonchalantly told me she went to the concert with a guy instead of her sister. What she hasn’t told me is that she never made it to the concert! That phone call makes perfect sense to me now!

It blew me away so much I didn’t know how to take it.

[This message edited by Reen at 10:57 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

I honestly don’t understand why some posters are saying things like it happened 20 years ago, get over it......go back to enjoying your happy M.

Like this was nothing......and so far in the past you are a fool to not swiftly forget about it.

Ummmm.....the incident may have happened 20 years ago......

But the LYING has been going on until DDay......and in fact is probably still continuing since she still seems to be avoiding giving you a full accounting of what happened.

Some posters might believe that a WS who was unfaithful years ago should be a quick fix......especially since the M years have been good.

And if you choose to ignore the point I am about to make, then I guess that makes some sense.....

But I fail to see how a CURRENTLY lying WS can be tolerated.

And that is what your WW is doing RIGHT NOW......she is exhibiting WW behavior AT THIS MOMENT by lying, hiding, and obfuscating about what truly happened.

Ignoring or forgetting about the decades old past might be one thing.....BUT ignoring your W’s current wayward mindset and behavior is a big mistake IMO.

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 2:23 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Is she still in contact with him? FB friend?

If you let this disrupt a 19 year happy marriage then you have other problems you aren't even aware of.

Ignore this.

It may be easy for others to accept that their wife was unfaithful. For most of us, it would be a tough pill to swallow

In these forums there is one called “I Can Relate”, click on it, scroll down and find “For Those That Found Out Years Later”.

There is a lot of great advice and insights in that forum. Finding out years later brings its own set of issues. You want to know and understand who you spent your life with.

Telling you to “get over it”, comes from someone who has not had to live with a person who could lie to your face for years and years. You question what was real, do I really know this person, how could she hide it so well if she truly loved me, etc etc.

Sorry that you have had to join this group.

What were you two discussing that would induce your wife to confess to lying about dating someone else? Did she confess out of guilt or because she thought it was an amusing anecdote from years ago?

Why not just ask her where he took her?

And if that was the only time they spent together?

Do you know his name and where he is now?

How did she know the OM (an EX, cow, schoolmate)?

btw: If he took her to a concert, that costs money - and doesn't sound like a one time date.

Also, did he pick her up at home? Wouldn't her sister and parents know she was going out with him?

What she hasn’t told me is that she never made it to the concert! That phone call makes perfect sense to me now!

It blew me away so much I didn’t know how to take it.

Okay well I did not see this. So it does look like she was up to no good.

Tell her to tell you the truth and you want a polygraph.

Have there been any other concerns about your wife's fidelity?Many posters on this site have been severely traumatized and can make recommendations based on this severe trauma. It is important to take what you need and leave the rest and NOT to base your decisions solely on posts. There is great advice here, but there are also folks who can jump to conclusions with little or no evidence to back them up.

That being said, it IS concerning that your wife did not tell you about this incident. My husband took a woman he was quite interested in out for golfing at the beginning of our relationship. We were not engaged, but committed. I know that it hurt me then and still hurts me when I think about it. It should have been a red flag for me at the time. I agree that this admission by your wife is a betrayal, and your feelings need to be acknowledged, validated and respected. WHEN it happened it not necessarily the issue. It is the lying and hiding that are most concerning. I do want to point out that she did come clean on her own, albeit later than she should have. Although this is traumatic, if you have had no other concerns about your wife's honesty and integrity, and the marriage is solid, it is something to discuss with a counselor (either in MC or IC - just make sure the counselor is experienced in dealing with infidelity), NOT necessarily something to cause you to seek legal advice, separate and implement a 180. A polygraph may give you some comfort. A review of phone records may also give you some comfort. It will be important for you to have full transparency, including all social media accounts, phone and tablet texting and emails. Please bear in mind that this is YOUR decision. What does your gut tell you?

I just have to put this behind me because I’m not leaving her.

Fair enough, but if you don't get the answers you need, this could haunt you for a very long time. I don't think anyone shows up here without looking for a little help.

The thing about any infidelity is it doesn't matter when it happened, it still feels like it happened yesterday. My wife kept her A a secret for 18-years.

Tell your wife the whole truth about that time will help you feel whole again. Secrets are not great for marriages.

Reen

One thing I think we at SI do poorly is when we read more into a situation than is shared and automatically assume more has happened than has been told. Like assuming they had sex, that it’s ongoing, not the only time, everyone in on the action and so on.

Heck Reen – based on what you have shared it’s not even clear it’s infidelity as we USUALLY define that term…

Let’s be clear that she definitely held something back and wasn’t forthcoming and honest. Strictly speaking that’s infidelity (non-faithful). By the same definition we are cheating each and every time we lie to our spouse. Like when I told my wife I didn’t plan on buying that fly-rod… But PURELY based on what YOU have shared we don’t know if this is infidelity as in a physical or emotional affair.

A key element missing is WHY she went with that man, where she went with him and why they didn’t go to the concert. Did she ever intend to go to the concert, or was it simply a cover to hide she was going with this man? How and where did she meet him? What was her relationship with him? What role did he have in her life at that time?

Reen – IMHO …. Well… no not really a humble opinion but probably as valid as gospel:

YOU NEED THE TRUTH.

YOU NEED TO KNOW.

YOU NEED ANSWERS.

And the only way I know for how to get them is through your wife.

IMHO the best way to get someone to tell the truth (other than waterboarding…) is to make giving the truth worth more than hiding it. To make the truth give more gain than cost.

If you can then make some things clear to your wife:

You have a +20 year relationship and its going to take A LOT to break that.

That you always envisioned growing old with her and still want that.

Over the years you two have dealt with ups and downs and can (probably) work out anything.

But…

The doubts and question from that discovery have rocked the foundations of your world.

You could try to ignore it, but it would ALWAYS come to your mind and only grow in pain and resentment.

Your imagination can do worse than any reality.

The truth now might hurt, but it gives a base to grow and recover from.

If she doesn’t trust you with the truth – even if it hurts – it says a lot about where your marriage is really located.

Then offer her the chance of answering the questions you might have for that evening. See what she says and listen to her.

Once you have THAT info you (and we if you share) can tell you if she cheated or if she was simply naïve and stupid.

Do you know for sure she didn't go to the concert? Or are you assuming because of the way you remember the conversation from 20 years ago? I am not sure it makes a big difference... a date is a date but don't jump to conclusions that this was more than a date.

Something similar happened to me before marriage but while we were dating seriously. The difference was that she told me right away. It wasn't a date... it was an indiscretion at a party.

I decided to let it go. We were serious but young, separated by a distance (I was in the military) and really had never declared overtly that we couldn't date anyone else. If it was in our minds, it was unspoken at that point.

Young people screw up. 20 years of a good marriage is awesome. One date with a guy before you were married doesn't change that.

Thank you everybody for your thoughtful opinions. I’ve decided to sit down with her this weekend and tell how much this is bothering me. I agree that I can’t let it go until I get acknowledgement, regret and information!!! I hope she is forthcoming and not annoyed because it was so long ago. Again, thank you.

Trdd,

Thank you for putting my marriage in perspective. A breath of fresh air!

I agree Dyoke

How do you it was only one date, Trdd. It might be only one. It might be more. Reen doesn't know because this is all so brand new to him and he hasn't asked those questions yet.

It sounds like an infidelity to me. Reen says they were in a committed relationship. She had a date with someone she didn't disclose up front or for years afterward. In fact she lied by saying she was going to a concert with her sister but didn't. She went on a date with another man and didn't go to the concert. Reen's wife intentionally lied to him about what her activities were going to be while they were apart. She maintained that lie through 20 years of marriage.

So many questions have been suggested to Reen to get clarification. This is all brand new to him. His wife has been lying to him by omission for over 20 years but he should just be happy and get over it because she was young and young people make mistakes. I guess young people don't know what it means to be in a committed relationship.

Lots and lots of people here on SI had a "good" marriage for years until they were cheated on.