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From my time on this website and seeing a variety of different types of wayward spouses, and how they’ve handled the destruction and pain they’ve caused I can say without a doubt MrsWalloped the way you expressed your remorse and actions to rebuild your marriage from ground zero has probably been the highest bar set I can remember. I just think sometimes for most betrayed men it just comes down to the very fact they must accept the emasculation and forgive or walk away. From what I can tell you and your husband are many years out on R and if he still is harbouring resentment you might need to consider letting him build up his own self esteem without you. I think MC is a wonderful step forward I would just advice you get a councillor more specialized with infidelity. I’d imagine if your husband feels like he’s being double teamed he would only feel more resentment. Anyways I wish you both good luck

I do not post much anymore. I have to agree with Lowkeyy. I wish my ex WW was half as remorseful as you have been. I know you husband loves you as I have read a lot of his posts. The hard thing for males is the pride thing and as Low said, the emasculation hurts. I hope you don't give up.

Hi Mrs W. You made a brave decision and did an excellent job in expressing your remorse and concerns.

I am a great support and admirer but sometimes do wonder if the exploration of your FOO issues; the references to compartmentalisation; the rationalisations of the cause, progression and continuation of the affair etc had become part of an academic exercise that was distancing you from your fundamental accountability. You clearly stated to your husband that that was not the case and that you took full responsibility. To me that was both refreshing and absolutely necessary. Well done.

I would also agree that it is vital that the right MC is chosen. A bad MC can potentially undo a lot of your good work, so please be very circumspect when choosing.

Take care.

had become part of an academic exercise that was distancing you from your fundamental accountabilit

In all honesty looking back I think the answer is yes. If I think back to about 5 or 6 months after his DDay, once the shock and immediate aftermath really wore off, I kind of dove into the work. It was something I could do, you know? Something real. And as much as I know what I felt inside, I grasped at the discoveries and reasons as a lifeline and as a way to say that I wasn’t a monster because it was their fault and not my fault. It was my mother and my self-esteem and sense of self worth. There came a point in my therapy where I had to face me and peel all of those protective layers off and show myself to me and then to him. And since then I have been accountable and owned what I did with no excuses, but I don’t think I do it often enough. I apologize, say I’m sorry I did this to you and am there for him in many ways, but it’s easy to get caught up in that as more of an abstract thing and it takes a lot,of focus to always be in the moment and really mean it and make sure he knows I really mean it. I’m not always successful if I’m being honest. Anyway, you touched on that and it struck a chord because it’s something I noticed a while ago and it still happens.

A bad MC can potentially undo a lot of your good work, so please be very circumspect when choosing.

Thanks. We’ve been to MC before, not to address this specifically but in addition to our IC sessions and we like our MC who has experience in infidelity. Unless he has other ideas I guess we’ll stick with who we used before.

I’d imagine if your husband feels like he’s being double teamed he would only feel more resentment.

Lowkeyy - Why would he feel resentment for going to MC? As I said before, we’ve been through quite a bit of MC and it was never two against one, and if anyone had reason to be the one, it was me. Our MC was always fair and didn’t take any garbage from either of us. I’m not sure why you think it would be like that.

That sounds like a very important conversation, as tough as it was, it really could help in the long run.

And with all of that he’s struggling because he says he loves me and he doesn’t want to be angry but he can’t let go of it, like it’s his security blanket that he can wrap himself in whenever he needs to. His anger keeps him safe but he knows it also keeps us apart and holds me at a distance.

I lived every word of that sentence. I completely understand where he is coming from.

The toughest part of rebuilding from this unique pain is allowing ourselves to let the person who hurt us -- all the way back in to our hearts.

Safe is great, I was comfortable in the tower I built after dday.

I hope Walloped gets there at his own pace. No one can force it, there is no snapping of the fingers, but I really, really hope he finds his way to vulnerable. I can only say I'm happy I did, despite how difficult it was to make the leap.

Brave step and boldly done Mrs. W.

I hope you both heal up some more.

In all honesty looking back I think the answer is yes. If I think back to about 5 or 6 months after his DDay, once the shock and immediate aftermath really wore off, I kind of dove into the work. It was something I could do, you know? Something real. And as much as I know what I felt inside, I grasped at the discoveries and reasons as a lifeline and as a way to say that I wasn’t a monster because it was their fault and not my fault. It was my mother and my self-esteem and sense of self worth. There came a point in my therapy where I had to face me and peel all of those protective layers off and show myself to me and then to him. And since then I have been accountable and owned what I did with no excuses, but I don’t think I do it often enough. I apologize, say I’m sorry I did this to you and am there for him in many ways, but it’s easy to get caught up in that as more of an abstract thing and it takes a lot,of focus to always be in the moment and really mean it and make sure he knows I really mean it. I’m not always successful if I’m being honest. Anyway, you touched on that and it struck a chord because it’s something I noticed a while ago and it still happens.

Thanks Mrs W. Taking personal responsibility for and ownership of your actions is absolutely essential for a long-term reconciliation.

I think what occurred after the initial confrontations and decision to reconcile was almost an intuitive jointly agreed rug sweep, where maybe the issues and potential consequences of the affair were still to the fore but the deep underlying hurt was tiptoed around by both of you and understandably so.

You both loved each other, your family and your marriage. Why endanger that further? However, that inner deep resentment of your actions was still there but he did not want to hurt you or indeed himself by opening up wounds that were slowly healing as a result of your truly felt remorse and loving actions after the initial missteps following DD.

It is now vital that you are able to empathise with his conflicted mind; to understand his pain. Hopefully the MC will assist you in this.

I think the next step is that he can see that you recognise, if not fully appreciate, how deep his wounds are and that he better understands your inner thoughts at the time and that you are no longer, and never will be again, in that frame of mind.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 3:38 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

was almost an intuitive jointly agreed rug sweep, where maybe the issues and potential consequences of the affair were still to the fore but the deep underlying hurt was tiptoed around by both of you and understandably so.

I wouldn’t call it rugsweeping. We’ve both been through so much emotionally over the past 3-4 years working on R together in IC and MC and with each other. I think this was more of him healing at his own pace, still dealing with it and processing his feelings and emotions and working them. While he was dealing with his anger and other feelings, he didn’t share them with me and chose to try and work through them by himself and I felt the repercussions of that decision. That’s okay in a way, he gets to choose how to heal, but it was bleeding through into our M and it was difficult for me to understand what was going on and whether it was healing, something new and different, or something else.

I wouldn’t call it rugsweeping. We’ve both been through so much emotionally over the past 3-4 years working on R together in IC and MC and with each other. I think this was more of him healing at his own pace, still dealing with it and processing his feelings and emotions and working them. While he was dealing with his anger and other feelings, he didn’t share them with me and chose to try and work through them by himself and I felt the repercussions of that decision. That’s okay in a way, he gets to choose how to heal, but it was bleeding through into our M and it was difficult for me to understand what was going on and whether it was healing, something new and different, or something else.

That makes sense, thank you.

about 5 or 6 months after his DDay

Why do you refer to Dday as his Dday?

T/J: Bravesirrobin

The founding principles of marriage after infidelity are honesty and transparency. You can only get so far if only one partner in the marriage embodies those principles.