SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t like relying on meds. I have always taken care of my body. I just need to get over this alone with the help of meds. What my wife has done is the most horrible thing I could have imagined. I still want her home to fix our amazing family that we did have. First, how long into no contact will she start to see her error? And if she doesn’t, how long into no contact will I stop caring if I get my family back? I hate feeling this way. It would have been easier if we didn’t have a kid. But also I love my kid to death.

I don’t like relying on meds. I have always taken care of my body. I just need to get over this alone with the help of meds

So if you had high blood pressure you would just muscle through that, or if you were diagnosed as a diabetic, you wouldn't need to take meds for that????

You see how ridiculous this statement is? Trauma, real trauma that you have gone through changes the chemical make up in a person, it also short circuits normal pathways, and leaves some of us in a full on fight/flight state for weeks or months at a time, and if you don't deal w/ it, and get medication to help you may just end up w/ a whole shit show of additional health issues, like a weakened immune system, high blood pressure, stroke, diabetes, autoimmune diseases.... ask any vet's here if they developed any health issues in the months/years after incurring this.

If you are not sleeping you need to. PERIOD. You need to chemically turn off that extreme response in your lizard/cave man brain. That doesn't make you weak, and certainly won't make you rely on the meds. As you start to heal and recover you will be able to walk away from them.

Next point....

how long into no contact will she start to see her error?

If you are implementing the 180 to wake her up then forget it. The 180 is for you. To get some distance from the situation, to gain some perspective, to not allow her to give you hopium, want to talk about a drug you don't want to rely on.... that will fuck you up. Set some priorities. Make your to do list of what needs to happen for YOU and your child in the next 30, 60, 90, 120 days. Then start reaching those goals. You will start healing.

Do not start dating right now, you are in no shape for it, and you will only hurt yourself and confuse any woman you attempt to have even a casual relationship with.

Listen, I have been here a long time, and one thing I know for sure.... There are NO shortcuts to getting through this. You have to mourn what you lost, and you have to heal yourself. It takes time, often several years, even if you do D straight away. Give yourself some space and some time. Be kind to you. Make sure you are doing one thing just for yourself everyday.

I see your reasoning on the meds. Solid.

I have to hold out hope my wife wakes up. A lot of people have commented of D and custody. The grim reality, as long as there is no abuse or neglect, my attorney said she can be with whoever she wants and won’t lose custody. That’s why I have to hold on to some hope. Once D happens, there is nothing preventing the OM from being around my child. Nothing.

Even though he is a felon?

What was he in prison for?

Is he on the sexualy predator list?

I think that will change things.

I also think you are thinking you have some control now.... you don't, you just think you do.

Ahhh the great Commonwealth of Virginia.

Some of our laws and rules especially for custody are bull.

I'm sorry you are here. I can't tell you if she will come to her senses. I can only tell you that IC and medication can help. Especially IC.

I've been on mental health meds for most of my life. If I come off I am not a stable person and I know that. There are meds that I do not like to and will not take again because they make me feel like I'm in a fog and I can't be while taking care of my kids.

I'm not sure where in VA you are but I have the name of a really good IC around Norfolk. She's fantastic.

Not a felon. He got hit with assault and battery, disturbing the peace. He also had a list of drunk in Public’s. Here is the thing about his assault and battery. As a deputy, I have spend about 15 years booking people in and out on these charges. I have shown this charge to many coworkers. First offense a and b comes with a maximum sentence of 10 days in jail and a max of 1 year of probation. The OM got 260 days to serve, which means it was rather a 3rd offense, or the judge decided it was way out of an ordinary a and b. He also now has 2 years of probation. In my 15 years of experience, i have never seen a judge go outside the guidelines like that before, EVER! I’m not coming at this from a hurt husband, but experience only. Whatever happened, it was bad. Really bad. I have seen people get way less, I mean way less, for charges like malicious wounding, assault on law enforcement, ect. I can’t explain that enough.

I don’t like relying on meds. I have always taken care of my body. I just need to get over this alone with the help of meds.

Just a few days after DDay, I was a total wreck. Not only did I need to go to my physician needing a routine checkup, but an STI/STD test and he got curious. I explained to him everything and he suggested a few different medications, with Lexapro being a nice middle ground. He presented me with a stronger treatment plan but offered Lexapro 20 mg as the path forward. I was acutely depressed and my anxiety was much like you, I was sleeping a few hours a night at best, and if I fell asleep out of pure exhaustion, the second I woke up to pee in the middle of the night, I was up for the day. It was hell on top of everything else that was going on. Sleep/rest is important and this whole process is a battle. You don't want to be fighting exhaustion while you are trying to push through this all.

The prescription was only for 90 days, and I have a check up here at the beginning of May where his plan to was wean me down with the intention that like you said, it was temporary. The thing about Lexapro is that initially it takes about 14 days for you to really notice the moderating effect. It helps to keep you from getting too low and it helps you to really shut down the racing thoughts. That was why I couldn't sleep at night, the racing thoughts would kill me at night. I also am glad that I told my therapist about taking Lexapro, and we have made it a point to keep tabs on my usage through this journey, because these are not things you should take lightly either.

I know right now with Covid-19 that you might not be able to do an in-person visit, but telemedicine is probably a path forward to meet with your doctor and maybe find something that can help you on a temporary basis.

Again, like I stated, it's a suggestion, take it or leave it. I'm content with the path I took and on the beginning stages of R, I'm likely ready to transition off a high dose of Lexapro.

Good luck and if you want to know more, happy to help out.

First, how long into no contact will she start to see her error? And if she doesn’t, how long into no contact will I stop caring if I get my family back?

The cutting off contact and being firm is about you. In my experience, it was telling her that she had 48 hours to get her shit packed and get out of the house that prompted her to finally wake up. It is different with everyone, but in my case we had begun in-home separation before the DDay about her PA, but when I was kicking her out of her family home, away from her son, she woke up and came up to me honest. It wasn't intended, at that point I was done with her bull and wanted off the damn limbo carousel.

I guess the difference in my case, my Wife pack her stuff up a few days after she left. I then Put her stuff into the garage, then later into a storage unit where she came and picked it up. She refuses to see me in person. At all. She refuses me to drop my daughter off to her new place. There is one good thing about that, I don’t have to drive anywhere and waste my gas to get my daughter. She gets dropped off and picked up from my house. Lol. Also, My daughter would tell me if the OM ever came around, breaking our custody, so I’m not concerned about that atm.

Hopium will keep you bound. It also gives her control of the situation. Not a good place for you to be in.

Five, my situation in a way was similar to yours. When I confronted my husband with evidence of his affair, a look came over his face that I didn't recognize and in a very calm, smug voice he told me that he had been in love with his ex-girlfriend (from 30 years ago) throughout our entire marriage and that he would never love me like he loved her. I threw him out. This "ex-lover" thing is powerful! I studied a lot and found that many people can carry a torch for an old flame for years, even 30 years! And during that time they fantasize and create a person in their minds that actually doesn't exist. Then, when they get together, they are thrilled at first. My husband and I have reconciled - long story. But he tells me that after a couple of months, he was becoming slightly annoyed by the other woman. Just little things at first, but the point is the real her was starting to conflict with the fantasy. Same with her, she was loosing interest. When I found out, she was all that he had, so he went running to her, but she had already moved on to someone else. Whether you divorce or reconcile, just wait to see what happens. These are fantasy relationships.

Chiming in to echo the advice from other posters.

180. Yes. You will feel much less helpless; much more in control.

Meds. I get it. I also hate taking medication. For anything. I literally "tough it out" when I get a cold or flu because I hate taking anything. Now I'm on Lexapro 20 mg. It has allowed me to sleep and probably saved my sanity. Please consider it. You can wean off after 3 months. (Don't quit suddenly - side effects can be dangerous.)

it looked like she had a mental break. I’m telling you, completely out of character 100 percent.

You appear to be searching for the "why." Very normal. We tell ourselves if we know the "why" we can reverse it or prevent it from happening again. Also it helps minimize the behavior if she "just lost it," which makes it easier to forgive and forget.

I say this with compassion, my friend. She didn't just slip up. She made the decision to sleep with another man. She made this decision over and over. Her mental break, if there was one, was the result of coming face to face with her abhorrent behavior. Of being found out. Of knowing you know.

Resources. Use them. If you can't do it for yourself, remember...your daughter's well being depends on you being well and strong. That means taking care of yourself, thinking clearly, getting help from wherever you can.

Wishing the best for you.

My wife has told me a few times she would rather be single then come back home. I think she is just saying that, but she doesn’t know what being single for the first time even feels like. I hope it turns around for my daughters sake, but with almost 4 months, I don’t think so. It might take longer for the fantasy to pop. If it ever does.

I’ve also made mistakes, well not sure if they were mistakes. When my W first left me, she gave the other OM a Christmas present. He posted on his Facebook and his grandma replied that she was so happy he met up with his true love from school. He is know. As the black sheep in the family, and his grandma supports him financially. So I emailed her and told her that was my wife that just cheated on me to be with him and spend time with him instead of her family on Christmas. So I popped my wife’s bubble that day of her ever being accepted into his family. Lol. She was pissed and called me to tell me how horrible a person I am. It’s so backwards.

My wife has told me a few times she would rather be single then come back home. I think she is just saying that, but she doesn’t know what being single for the first time even feels like. I hope it turns around for my daughters sake, but with almost 4 months, I don’t think so. It might take longer for the fantasy to pop. If it ever does.

Everyone's situation is different, I'm the primary breadwinner in the family and my wife was a part-time job/mostly stay-at-home mom. I had worked up the numbers for her to be renting a room in my house and paying her fair share of utilities, car insurance, son's food bill, etc it was going to be more than she could ever hope to make in a month of working 2 or 3 jobs, it was about $1650 Those reality figures were something she admitted to me was terrifying for her at some point. It wasn't meant to terrify her, it was meant for me to have some sort of financial stability and she wasn't going to be getting anymore free rides. Also, another thing that happened, about two weeks before the PA DDAy, we were out as a family at the Home Depot monthly workshop for kids when her battery died. We got the car jumped and I took her to a nearby AutoZone and got the battery tested and replaced. It was almost $200, something that a single mother living on her own wouldn't be able to afford.

I don't tell you these things as though I lorded money over her head, that is not what I have done at all, but her coming to the realization that her little fantasy bubble had some major holes in it were part of the bigger picture that woke her up.

I don't know what your situation is like, but I'm sure you can sit down and take a look at separating and what it looks like for you and her. That will also help you to realize that you will be fine and also just how much you have done to support your wife through the years or how much she has supported you.

You have absolutely no control over that. You only have control over you. So work to get to a point of indifference and even before you get there, make your WW feel it (thru the 180).

Five, you sound like you could benefit from working with a therapist. Do you have one? If not, go through your benefits to get one.

Take care.

Oh, and what you sent to his grandma was the absolute right thing to do. No mistake.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:54 PM, April 7th (Tuesday)]

I’ve started therapy online last week. It seems with the virus thing, no one is being seen in person. I also called into my doctor. I will try some meds for a short time to help me get over all this mess.

As you mentioned in one of your posts, you're all over the place emotionally. You also seem to want her back yet want to cut all ties with her. Believe it or not, that is TOTALLY NORMAL for only 3 months out. There is no quick fix for this. I know that's hard to hear, it sucks hard, especially when your MO is action. That's why you do the 180, even though it doesn't align with what you're feeling at any given moment. That's why you focus on you, not her. You cannot control what she does. You CAN heal you. You can start that process whenever you want, regardless of what she does. You will hear people around here say that you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. That's true of most relationships, ultimately. You have to let go of the outcome. So, so hard...but it will free you in so many ways.

You CAN fix you. You can start on that immediately. You can continue to be a kick ass dad for your daughter, fighting for her welfare, seeking solutions, moving forward. Alcohol and revenge affairs are not your friends right now. Almost everyone in your shoes contemplates that, but the ones who get back up and build a better life stay away from those paths. Remember, you are the sole example for your daughter right now on what it means to be a person of integrity and a real man. You want to be able to say to her some day, "No, baby, I never cheated on your mom. It is possible to make the right choices in life, even when life $+#@$ in your face" And believe me, she will at least wonder one day.

Keep venting if it is helping you. It's probably good to hear from these guys who have been there. Men don't tend to talk about this as much irl like women do, so it can feel extra isolating, I suspect.

Of course, take us all with a grain of salt. Including me. (See, not all women have to be right. )

First, how long into no contact will she start to see her error? And if she doesn’t, how long into no contact will I stop caring if I get my family back?

She may never, and you need to recognize that. Sad, but true.

The other people posting are correct that the 180 isn't a tool to trick your wife into coming to her senses. It's just a side-effect that often happens.

*Nothing* happens if you don't do the 180.

Listen man, their relationship is highly likely to fall apart eventually. Like suuuuuper likely. And is AP on probation? Chances are he'll violate at some point, right??? While you wait for that to happen, up your 180 game 1000%. I won't lie to you, EVEN THOUGH this isn't the point, but taking the leap into it and filing the divorce papers ASAP is more likely to get things moving in that direction quickly than anything else. The fantasy for WW begins to end when YOU actually begin to move toward D. Think about how your approach has worked in the last 4 months. It hasn't.

Your job is to be strong and be there for your daughter. Your lawyer may not be able to make it so your daughter won't be around AP; it's true, your WW still has the right to bring anyone around for the most part. However, your lawyer can fight like hell to put all sorts of parameters in place. One thing in particular is a provision, for example, that kids don't have to go somewhere against their will (please don't manipulate your daughter into anything, though -- she needs to know you support her no matter where or who she's with).

Again, I can't stress enough that the others are right: the 180 is for you, not to "trick" your wife out of affair-mode, and she may never get out of it. But it IS the move you need to make if you want to see things change for the better. People are telling you this for a reason.

Get going on the process. The process can be as slow as you want it to be, and you can cancel it at any time. Don't be afraid; be strong. She needs to be served papers.

I’m glad to hear that my mixed emotions that are all over the place is normal. I do feel bipolar with wanting her back and never communicating with her again for life. I also have been having a hard time making regular decisions. I keep questioning myself with everything.