SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

NeverTwice,

What was it from Poppy’s post that you objected to? The profanity? I actually think she made a valid point. If a couple is in R, then certainly the method of contraception should be a joint decision with both sexual partners having all of each other’s relevant information to MAKE said decision.

The key phrase being “in R.” If NOT reconciling, then obviously each person should decide for themselves and not take the other’s wishes or opinion into consideration.

Let’s have some confidence in the OP that he can decide what is helpful or not helpful. I read advice here all the time I don’t agree with or think is helpful.

So.... I got a vasectomy after dday. My thinking was that if it didn't work out that I didn't want my kids to ever wonder if I love the new kids more.

Not entirely relevant to all the other parts of this thread, but I figured I'd throw that out there in case it somehow helps.

I keep coming back to your first statement that you would have originally had no problem with a vasectomy and cant come off that.

It is common to have a belief or position on a thing that is informed by the conditions in which you live. It is reasonable and normal to modify positions, when the conditions in which you live change - especially when those changes are unilaterally thrust on you.

We modify what we think about many things. Pressures from external forces often are the reason. Based on his WW response and comments, they are not really in R, and as such, he has not perceived obligations that being in R might expect.

You can say you are in R like you can say your spouse is honest, devoted, and loyal saying either is meaningless unless it really exists.

So we tried to discuss this issue and it only turned into me talking about the affair and how horrible it has been for me and her expressing that she understands how I feel because she has been betrayed before and telling me that I'm not showing empathy to her side of the situation. That statement really frustrated me so I started expressing how she hasn't shown empathy for my side and everything I've gone through. My wife choosing to have an affair, but not by chance, she purposely sought it out. Then continued to have this LTA off and on for 4 years until I discovered it. Anyway, my wife didn't respond well. She got visibly upset, stood up and walked away stating "I can't talk about this".

This is the opposite of empathy, contrition, humility....all necessary requisites from the cheater for R to be real and honest. While communication is an important issue your M that needs attention, lack of communication is the least of your issues for as long as this is your WW's perspective.

Curious question: Why are you "putting yourself" through this?

also - if SHE doesn't want more kids or the worry about getting pregnant (you are having sex I think?) - ask "Why don't you get your tubes tied."

You still can be a father (If you want) if you find another after giving up on this one and find a new wife who wants a child.

DIFM has a point though - having half-siblings can be tough to coexist and complicates life more.

This is tough. Lots of women want to be free of the side effects of birth control the way that most men are. This is apart from the other R concerns. I do not think she should go and get something she doesn't want. I don't think you should get something you don't want. If you do anything, do it freely without reservation and with a clear vision that this is what you truly want. Don't live by fear. Dont live by doubt.

If you want peace and happiness, follow your inner voice and see what she does. You will find your way.

I want to thank everyone who has responded. I appreciate the validation and the opinions. It helps me to explore the situation from outside my own head and explore alternative perspectives.

My wife and I had a lengthy conversation about everything. She is pursuing getting an IUD and I am going to speak with my Doctor about the vasectomy - I don't know the timelines of these things due to COVID. I've come to realize (partially from comments here) that I personally don't want to have any more children. I love kids, I know I can put in the work again for kids. But if it was my choice alone I wouldn't have any more with anyone.

We talked extensively about our communication. From me not bringing issues up directly to her and her fleeing conversations. We both acknowledged that we need to work on these issues. I'm going to work on opening up more about my own struggles and she is going to stay in the conversation until we both feel resolved (or make a plan to come back to it if things are too emotional). The conversation in general felt resolved for me and I felt more connected afterward. We will just need to keep working on this and hopeful not fall back into old patterns.

I also told her straight up what I need from her. She told me she knows how much she hurt me with the affair and she discussed how much she blames herself for everything. She told me she struggles with her own guilt and that's why she "flees" or avoids the conversations. I explained that we both need to come to an acceptance on what happened to move forward - however, I need her to straight up sincerely apologize to me when I'm struggling with the affair. I need to hear the words from her without my having to prompt her for them.

I guess most importantly we both agreed to keep working on our relationship. I'm hopeful that we will be able to put our plans in action... but only time will tell. I think we both need to put work into making changes in order for our relationship to grow. If we both don't work at it, the relationship will only suffer.

I don't understand why you would alter your body in a permanent way to appease a woman who has not shown you she can be a safe partner or who is worthy of your trust. If everything you say she said to you is accurate, I do not see a remorseful wife here.

I think you are setting yourself up for some serious pain and regret down the road.

Westway,

How is it that you get that from his post when he says:

I've come to realize (partially from comments here) that I personally don't want to have any more children. I love kids, I know I can put in the work again for kids. But if it was my choice alone I wouldn't have any more with anyone.

Westway

The original poster put his issue in the Reconciliation forum. He clearly wants to reconcile. Part of that process is allowing the wife to show that she can be a trustworthy and safe partner. It definitely takes time, but it seems like Newguy2 is working at it.

Keep in mind what’s written at the entrance to this forum:

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories, and triggers while trying to reconcile. There is to be no name calling in this forum. Venting is to be limited to you and/or your partner. Please post respectfully and constructively keeping in mind the goal for this forum is to reconcile. It's a long road, but you can do it!

Westway - As has been mentioned - I am choosing to pursue a vasectomy (not to directly appease my wife) but because, if it was solely up to me, I wouldn't have any more children.

And yes, my wife struggles with expressing and showing remorse. We have huge communication issues. We both have deep personal issues that affect our relationship and will probably never change. But for now, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. We both want to work on the relationship. We have a lot more work to do on our relationship and we both acknowledge it. We have more good times than bad.

I don't know what tomorrow brings - but for now I'm focusing on reconciling.

FWIW, I had a vasectomy and played like 16 hours of Gran Turismo over the next couple days. Ice, ibuprofen, and sitting still is the prescription more or less. The actual procedure was about like getting a cavity filled. Recovery is like two weeks to get back to full activity.

Frozen peas - trust me.

The only thing I will mention in this is.. Vasectomies are not fail safe.. Mine reversed itself... My sperm count was low.. But NOT zero and I had to have a second op.. More time taken second time around..

The chances are 1 in 4,000 but it does happen..

We had to go through a termination followed by another vasectomy.. For me to then find out 6 months later she was cheating on me.. That regardless of promises and assurances my WS said.. I still have a doubt it was mine.. That although my vasectomy failed.. It wasn't mine.. Total mindfuck..

If you want to R.. A possible discussion is BOTH of you being sterilised.. You both go through the process so it isn't one sided

This thread is a little disturbing to read, tbh. I do think it's important for folks to try to see the use in what people are typing even if they may not agree with the message. No one should feel pressured into altering their body for another but if you're in R, these things need to be discussed. And they need to be discussed in an uncomfortable way; no beating around the bush or sparing feelings.

It sounds like you've both developed a pretty awful pattern for R. She pulls away from difficult conversations because she doesn't want to face the shame and guilt, you avoid those conversations because you fear her pulling away. You're both letting negative emotions alter your path to reconciliation.

Lots of women want to be free of the side effects of birth control the way that most men are

There are forms of nonhormonal birth control that do not have side effects.

I haven't used any hormonal birth control for over 20 years. My H and I have used only The Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) for 6(?) years now. No pregnancies. Before that, we used FAM with condoms during my fertile time when we wanted prevent. We didn't have any pregnancies or children we didn't want. There are options. Educate yourself.

ETA: FTR, we are not religious fanatics who follow the quiverful movement or want to have 20 kids like the Duggars.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 6:41 PM, August 29th (Saturday)]