SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Glad to hear you are well.

I still think it is better that your wife do things because she loves rather than due to god.

Jesus does not drive our lives, we have free will. Your wife has much more to deal with outside the bible.

Good Night AH

Organic, I know nobody is perfect but what I was talking about is the fact that many posters here mentioned how solid I was and how great my character was. what my thread didn't show is how fucked up I could be at times.

Ok, I get it, your thickskulled, sure that might be a negative trait. You probably have a few more to look at and improve. Overall AH you really are a good guy, not to the point of needing to read "No More Mr Nice Guy" that is often recommended reading on SI. You seem to show love with Acts of Service. Sure maybe you were too thick to see your WW needed Quality Time. A character flaw is what allowed your WW to be a hypocrite and betray her morals and you. Why she could do this will take her years to understand and change. You of course own 50%, maybe 90% of the marriage problems but she really does own 100% of the cheating.

Not long ago my daughter found her husband was in an affair. She and I started discussing how bad I felt about leaving, due to her mother cheating. I questioned what I could have done differently, maybe I should have put up with the sexless marriage, MC, on and on. My daughter finally stopped me and said in an angry tone "Dad, stop, Mom was cheating on you for years, F her". That was 25 years of me thinking I might have done something different, I really had no idea that the cheating was a LTR. NO, AH cheating is a deep, deep character issue and no matter what you did or did not do you had nothing to do with her character. I was, like you, a good husband that worked too much.

AH if you decide to R at some point you will have to address your flaws but that is sooo far down the line. The trauma is too deep, this must be understood and addressed first and foremost.

My WW is staying in contact, which is fine since she gotta take care of her sons, being separated was helpful and I might be ready for a second part of her timeline. there were things I didn't get to ask like her nude photo and GNOs. she is ready for me she said she won't hide anything and would answer any question with brutal honesty if needed.

I am sure you will get better SI advice than I can think of, AH steel yourself, this is going to hurt. Think about and write some questions, have her be prepared this time with an R rated timeline. Think about how much X rated you really want or need.

I know that many questions would be around why she did not confess to you after she was busted by OW and you lost the POSOMs business. She had to have known she could be outed anytime, was she still hoping for the LTR to continue, after a cool down. Is this what prompted her confession to the pastor, did the pastor recommend confessing to you? Why did it take the PI report to bring this to light.

Good Night,

Organic2003

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 6:30 AM, September 22nd, 2020 (Tuesday)]

AHGuy

My WW is staying in contact, which is fine since she gotta take care of her sons, being separated was helpful and I might be ready for a second part of her timeline. there were things I didn't get to ask like her nude photo and GNOs. she is ready for me she said she won't hide anything and would answer any question with brutal honesty if needed.

My advice is this: Don't ask about the nitty-gritty details, like sex type, acts, positions ..etc

For example, they had sex at this day at this time at that place, it should be enough, no need to know what went in bed in detail, it will not do any good for you, it's going to be very damaging for you, so please don't do it, trust me on this one!

Lots of betrayed spouses don't take this advice seriously and ignore it, and they go full out on details, and they extremely regret doing so later!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 5:25 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

AHGuy, glad you are recovering well.

I would agree with Kaliber. Unless you REALLY want to know those details, I would stick to dates. Some BS's need to know if WS's did sex acts for AP's that they wouldn't do with their BS. It is understandable. Ask if you need to know, just hope you have thought about YOUR needs and how to heal.

Which brings me to my question, now that you are separated, what is your plan? You seemed to be leaning towards D, but having to wait out the separation, what are you doing to heal yourself? I'm sure that just having a regular routine without dealing with the stress of the M and infidelity will be a big relief.

AH,

I am glad you and yours are feeling better and that you are rearing to go. I too own a business and I know that the work keeps piling up if you don't attend to it immediately. (I wish it were true now, but my business has suffered severely through this lock-down, luckily it has started picking up again, yet still slow).

For now, just steel yourself to deal with the backlog as soon as you are allowed to and make peace with the fact that, for the moment, your hands are tied.

I am going to give you a different perspective than the one Kaliber gave, although I fully understand why he advises to only obtain limited information.

From my perspective, the damage has already been done and the wound inflicted. In order to understand the full depth of the wound, it must be fully inspected and thoroughly irrigated. This is why I needed to know even the minutest of details. I can not reconcile myself with the concept that ignorance is bliss.

But you know already that I am a heartless person when it comes to betrayal and adulteress women (yes I used gendered language, because I am a man). Take heed that my advice is given in that light.

I can only warn you that any new revelations hurt and cut deeply. Be prepared for this pain.

I personally just want to see you come through this intact and able to find happiness.

Strength to you AH.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 8:09 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

I didn't regret it. It helped me make the decisions I needed to make.

I agree that details can cause more trauma that good.

However, I will say there is one time in which details may be the only tool left for a BS that is clutching at straws for honesty. When a WS continues to intersperse lies, half truths, and obfuscations when they are telling their "100% full truth", it can leave a BS that is using these questions as a means to be assured that the WS is now safe - feeling that the denied opportunity to be honest shows that they still are not safe.

Sometime, when a last chance effort is offered to the WS, the only thing left to be honest about is what has not yet been said, and often the leftovers from the lies and manipulations are the honest untold details.

Sometimes, the difference between still feeling unsafe about a WS's trust in honesty lies in whatever there is left that has not yet been disclosed. Sometimes, it is the dirty details.

In those cases, the BS has to decide if the WS finally comes full clean about what they have not yet disclosed will be meaningful enough to start feeling safe, or just too much too late.

Id want to know minuca exactly what she did when and how feelings etc.

Never been one to rug sweep anything as later if you want to know there's no leverage left

Shed do anything at the minute for the chance to keep in contact

Handled right you may get everything you want if that's what you need

In my own personal situation, AH, my FWH had a LTA. I knew they had sex and lots of it over the years. However, I choose not to hear the details of the actual sex acts or even what sex acts where done.

I was curious, of course, on some level and didn't care on another. I know how sex works, what my FWH likes and doesn't. I figured probably just about everything was on the table.

What I needed to think about was will this affect my healing. Would knowing the details of sexual acts going to help me heal? How? Why? My answers to those questions helped me decide I didn't need to know the details of the sex acts. I am very content with not knowing. For me, I realized that curiosity killed the cat.

I don't regret having the nitty gritty details.

Those details kept torturing me, made me realize that the whole thing was a deal-breaker, and are helping me move on even now.

Although it has been painful.

I'd say I'd rather know the terrible truth than believe a sanitized lie, when it comes to my life and family.

For me there were 2 options....

Get all the details.

Or

Let my imagination fill in the gaps.

I have a pretty vivid imagination.

Either way it was going to suck.

I went with reality.

Idiotmcstupid, just want to clear up that there is a difference between choosing to not hear the details and a sanitized lie. There is a difference. One is continued lying the other is making an informed choice.

A suggestion: make her read that timeline to you.

Some details are important because leaving them out would be lies of omission.

For example, for three years after DDAY my wife omitted the fact that on a certain night in question her AP had invited her to an empty townhouse for sex. She omitted it because she said she declined and thus it wasn’t “relevant.”

Do you think it was relevant? I sure as shit did — because I’d always harbored suspicions about this night (it was the very day my gut began screaming at me that something was wrong).

Leaving out this detail was a lie of omission.

By the way this detail only came out because I finally gave an ultimatum for a timeline instead of requesting one, and because I insisted she read it aloud, and because she knew a polygraph was coming (which she still failed in any case).

Just sharing my experience so you can understand why so many of us say these things are so important for helping you make an informed decision about your life.

It’s YOUR life, after all, not hers you need to worry about.

I knew I was divorcing. So, I did not need too much detail. If you are going that route, you may not, either.

I knew I was divorcing. So, I did not need too much detail. If you are going that route, you may not, either.

agreed

That’s a really good point. If you’re going to divorce, you may just want to let sleeping dogs lie.

AH, just checking in to see how you are doing. How are you feeling as a result of Covid? How are you doing right now as a result of her?

Hope you are doing well.

Hang in there and stay strong.

Hope you and the boys are on the road to recovery, AH. I'm sorry that 2020 has been so bad for you, and hope the future is much brighter.

As far as details, my opinion is the nitty gritty won't be all that useful. It was a 2+ year affair complete with plans to ride off into the sunset together, so you know they had all sorts of sex. The big question is whether there was further disrespect - having sex in your home, in your vehicles, on your birthdays, anniversaries, after D-Day, "pillow talk" that put you down, etc. I'm not sure too many get the actual truth on that sort of thing anyway, even with a remorseful spouse, without some other evidence or a polygraph.

I'm divorced. I wanted all the details even after I made the decision to D. The few that I got I added to my list of "why I did the right thing and divorced". On that list is the things she did not do as in a time line, IDK and ICR but saying she ill think about it and get back to which she never did and never tried to remember. It was important to me so I have reminders of why I divorced and don't second guess myself as time passes.