SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since the IHS is killing you, and I get it, could you try nesting? It worked for my STBXWW and I. Not ideal, but better than looking at that face that could turn milk sour.

Wow, she isn't worthy to be a wife, anyone's wife. That text was frankly shocking.

Just walk away as painlessly as you can, nothing but trouble will follow such a person.

[This message edited by blahblahblahe at 7:35 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

“…my actions have hurt you and our marriage, and I live with that. This was not premeditated and/or intentionally inflicted despite what your text says. I have been and am confused and have tried to figure out which direction is best for me, you, and us as a family. While an affair is never the answer, I don’t regret where I ended up. I am more aware of my need for something different than what I had. With one life to live, we should all aspire to finding the things we need mentally, physically, and emotionally. Many things were missing from our marriage. I struggle with what direction to take and have hoped that my feelings for you and our marriage would become clear. I understand you want to pursue the divorce and I will accept and respect that. I am not able to give you the assurances that you need and deserve.”

So much wrong in your WW's text. You pointed out many of the built in lies based on information you know AND information she knows you know. Waywards entitlement, selfishness, and contradictions never cease to amaze me.

my actions have hurt you and our marriage, and I live with that.

WW says she "lives with it", but later says she has no regrets. So I guess that means she is living with it pretty darn well.

This was not premeditated and/or intentionally inflicted despite what your text says.

My WW is also fond of saying it wasn't premeditated. I know this to be minimizing. But also, like in your case, not even true. Planning was evident for both our WWs. So, any reasonable person would say planning is premeditation. They didn't trip and their vagina fall on a penis, it was planned sex and for some reason they won't own the planning part.

I have been and am confused and have tried to figure out which direction is best for me, you, and us as a family. While an affair is never the answer, I don’t regret where I ended up.

"Me" is listed first for a reason. I think a wayward creed must be "Always place Self before others." Ending up with a broken family with confused and hurt children, a shattered husband, torn allegiances, financial uncertainty, the loss of trust and betrayal of personal values has not regret? That seems like a pretty crappy place to end up if you ask me. The wayward mind is a marvel, a true marvel of the universe.

I am more aware of my need for something different than what I had. With one life to live, we should all aspire to finding the things we need mentally, physically, and emotionally.

A lot of blame shifting in this statement, implying mentally, physically, and emotionally the marriage was insufficient. Am I crazy for that interpretation? Also, once again, self before others and the YOLO. Right, only one life to live, so values matter, who we hurt matters, the agreements we honor matter, how we behave matters. Seems to me her mind is currently made up, she has aspirations for something...the AP?

Many things were missing from our marriage. I struggle with what direction to take and have hoped that my feelings for you and our marriage would become clear. I understand you want to pursue the divorce and I will accept and respect that. I am not able to give you the assurances that you need and deserve.”

Blame shifts to the marriage. Gotcha. Wayward is struggling and the true victim. Gotcha. Continuing an affair will make a marriage become clear. Gotcha. Wayward understands you are the cause of the divorce and the one pursuing the divorce. Gotcha. Not able to give assurances (ie change behavior or take responsibility). Gotcha.

What really gets under my skin is I bet your WW thinks she sent you and upstanding text and was "taking the high road". I know my post has no advice, just hoping that my own interpretations (as someone who values R more than I should) helps you in some small way. Take care.

DJK:

Gently...

But it is not nearly as stunning that your lying, manipulative, cheating wife is on the fence as it is that YOU still are.

If you were set on divorce, your snooping would be done.

If you were set on divorce, your relationship discussion would be done.

If you were set on divorce, your engagement would be done.

Be done. You deserve better. The sooner you believe it, the sooner you can run to your destination rather than crawl.

One more point, DJK.

You are stating that you want your WW to set you free. That isn't quite right.

You are free. Your cage door is open. The only one stopping you from getting up, looking around, stretching, then casually walking out of the cell door is YOU.

That you became a victim is her fault. That you remain one has far less to do with her than it does with YOU.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

Hi IAT,

You asked a couple of questions in my thread. Wasn't ignoring you, just busy with work (year end, month end, and quarter end is a busy time for me).

I'm OK without knowing the details, but my situation is unique. The affair unfolded right in front of my eyes. There were not years of clandestine hotel meetings or late nights at work. I knew what was happening and I know sex, including oral sex occurred because I asked during marriage counseling and she admitted it. I don't need to piece together timelines. I'm good with what I need to know at the moment.

As for phone access, it didn't bother me at first, if she doesn't want to share the password fine. But it's the actions that started to get to me. Every time I entered the room I would hear the phone hit the table, or she would black it out, or tilt it away. Not hard to miss that. Then it became an issue.

But you're right. WS should not get to decide. The BS needs that open and honest transparency. They need to know what they are dealing with, they need the reality to make rational decisions. How can someone decide their future without all the facts that would be relevant to that decision? Perhaps other can weigh in.

I don't have a WW that has done what is needed for R so I'm on to D. If she were R material at this point the phone would have to be an open book...no negotiation there.

Anyway hello everyone else. Interesting morning. I know I should not poke the bear, but my WW has been telling me for months that she did not have contact with AP since September. I asked her today for her cell phone account password. I wanted to see if that was true. I told her I would be making a mistake if I filed for D and she is telling me the truth about NC with AP since September. She said "I'll have to look it up." (Stalling) I said "OK, I'll wait." Her response "your making the right decision."

She basically admitted to me that she has been lying all along. It's amazing how much my vision is clouded by these damn rose colored glasses. The ease with which she lies is astounding. This is the mother of my children. This is the amazing woman I married.

This is hard for me to take. It's been a rough week.

Stay on the straight and narrow path and move to finalize the divorce ASAP. Spend time with friends, family, and your children. Avoid her at all costs.

[This message edited by src9043 at 6:36 PM, January 8th (Friday)]

DanielJK,

The only thing good and right in what your WW said is that she will accept and respect your decision to pursue divorce. So take her up on that, with a good attorney to protect you and your family should she change her mind that is. The rest of her note is nonsense.

"It wasn't premeditated"....what does that even mean. If someone decides spur of the moment to steal something does that make it OK? This is what happened: She felt temptation in the moment and so instead of honoring her vows and protecting you and your marriage, she goes on right ahead and betrays you and then lies behind your back. She justifies this by saying what again? Oh yeah, she" is figuring out what direction is best" for herself, you, and your family. How considerate of her! She breaks your heart by stepping out of your marriage to figure out what direction is best for you and your family!

I hope you see how this is nonsense.

DanielJK, the only way to get yourself out of infidelity is to get yourself out of infidelity, and the only way out is the D-train. Don't get off of it!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:18 PM, January 8th (Friday)]

Dan, she's shown you time and again who she is. YOu not believing her is your choice, but its obviously affected your life and health. Push on with the D. There is light at the end of the tunnel for all of us, we just have to believe and move towards it.

Your WW is without redemption. get this wrapped up in 2021 and be free by next year.

I have been and am confused and have tried to figure out which direction is best for me, you, and us as a family. While an affair is never the answer, I don’t regret where I ended up. I am more aware of my need for something different than what I had. With one life to live, we should all aspire to finding the things we need mentally, physically, and emotionally. Many things were missing from our marriage. I struggle with what direction to take and have hoped that my feelings for you and our marriage would become clear.

I'm not quite sure how much more clearly she could have stated: "I'm not happy in our marriage. I want a relationship with a different man than you."

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:55 PM, January 8th (Friday)]

DanielJK you've wasted enough time. You shouldn't step back anymore. Whenever she makes something to R, you give her a chance. These are a signs of weakness and she is aware of this, she uses it to the fullest and doesn't respect you. I think, she doesn't even believe you can really divorce her. That's why she can easily make divorce words.

You should file for D and run the process non-stop. This is the only way she can understand that you are serious.

Focus on yourself and clarify your thoughts on two issues in particular; will you be able to deal with being cheated on and keep up with such a person, keeping in mind her behavior after D-day? Actually i couldn't handle both but IMO the second part is much more difficult. She still doesn't show any regret, seems to be making fun of it, that's so irritating.

Daniel the proverbial "Writing is on the Wall", file for D and end this nightmare, your WW is not even regretful let alone remorseful, not only is she not a candidate for R, based on what you posted, she doesn't even want it, so the only logical choice you have is to D. "Only one life to live", no shit, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and a liar.

She basically admitted to me that she has been lying all along.

The woman you married 18 years ago would probably be just as devastated to learn how she turned out as you are.

You guys told me some hard truths that I did not want to believe, but you could not have been more right. I am amazed. My WW followed the script exactly as many of you have written it.

She sounded like an unremorseful wife from your original thread all the way until now. I read your original thread and bio two weeks ago and from what you described she was never any reconciliation material. You have been given some great advice in your original thread and on other threads. Detach yourself, and you will start to save yourself from the grief when divorced in finalized.

I’m Having a hard time today.

I could use some support.

Trying my best to detach, but it’s hard. I still have a very strong emotional and physical attraction to this woman even given what she has done. She’s a beautiful woman, beautiful green eyes. Other than the cheating a good mom to my kids.

I have a calendar countdown on my desk at work. Today the number is 96.

96 days until my court date. That should be about the time the divorce is done. That’s the case management date and I don’t expect this to be a long, drawn-out process. I don’t think there is going to be much that will be contested.

But I still want my family together.

Hard 180 is in place, but I get:

“why are you so aloof?” “You seem distant.” “Are you avoiding me?”

And I get occasional texts at work… "how are you today?”… "just walked the dog.”

WTF?

I’m trying to stay away from her as much as I can, but it’s hard.

Any further tips on detaching are appreciated. I wish I had a place to go. IHS sucks. I want to get this over with so I can move on.

It will get easier with time. Just remember no contact or as little as possible equal no new hurts. The old her is gone. The current version is a stranger. How would you react to a stranger texting you. The more effort you pu5 in each day to detach the sooner you can heal. Ignore her attempts to engage her. She does it to make herself feel better about her betrayal. If you can interact as normal, then she can feel like nothing she did is that bad. Very cliche.

DJK your story is very similar to my cousin. His wife was his "soulmate" until she met AP at work. Had an affair with AP, cousin caught her and the relationship was in limbo. He wanted Reconciliation and she wanted the affair, still contacted AP after NC established. Cousin was a doormat for her and tried to show her his "love" bought flowers took her out on dates gave her all the attention. Classical "pick me dance". This lasted for 1 year.

All the while his daughter and son are watching him as well as the rest of the extended family. She eventually divorced him and to this day still does the "pick me dance".

1. If she needs him to babysit he always shows up so she can attend Girls Night Out, and work parties.

2. If something needed to be fixed in the house he would always be her personal handy man.

3. If she needed a shoulder to cry on he would always show up.

I am telling you this because we had a family zoom meeting, and basically his daughter is beginning to act like his ex-wife in how she is treating her father and brother. They are becoming her doormats and she has tried to pull the same on the rest of the guys in the family. We shut that down.

Your kids are watching you.

Your friends are watching you.

The entirety of your family is watching you.

We love our cousin but have zero respect for him. This may seem very harsh but everybody calls him a doormat even his parents behind his back. I have sent him every article in the healing library. His parents and the majority of the family have lent him financial support for divorce but he literally bent over for his ex-wife in the divorce.

Whether you divorce or reconcile in the future always keep your dignity man. You should never be somebody's plan B.

Keep going with the 180 not sure how old your kids are but if they are already in college you should have already blocked her number. She can speak through your lawyer.

At age 35 my cousin already has silver hair growing man, this is just a look into the future.

Your WW may be physically attractive, but she is ugly as hell on the inside brother.

And meanwhile, you will never win somebody's respect with weakness, by caving to someone who is showing you no respect.

Sending you strength!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:12 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

Fareast, Wontbefooled, and Bignoob,

Thanks. Needed some support today. Needed a kick in the pants to keep up detaching. Kids are 14 and 16, so need to keep contact for the moment.

I come back here and read frequently. It helps to see these messages.

What you are experiencing--that emotion of longing and pain every time you see her (even though there is no rational reason)--is almost a universal experience. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. But caving to her is the worst thing you could possibly do. Especially because your kids needs you to be strong.

Hang in there my friend!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:32 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)]