SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Src9043

One of my biggest problems is keeping my mouth shut. It's hard for me to have lived like this for so long without lashing out at my abuser. I'll try better to keep my mouth shut.

Butforthegrace

You're right. You can't nice someone back. Like a lot of people I thought "my wife is not like that." I wish I found this site long ago.

Papers scheduled to be delivered tomorrow.

Whatever you do, don’t doubt yourself on the steps your taking, follow through with them.

Don’t let her convince you she can change...they don’t.

It will be a hard road ahead, but hopefully eventually you will gain your sanity back because this is what they take from us.

Just an update.

My WW was served with divorce papers this morning.

I had hoped I would feel better about it, but I feel like shit. I know it’s the right move and a step in the right direction, but it’s not what I want. I try to think about how bad the situation has been for 7 months and it gives me a little hope…not much, but a little.

Forgive me for having two threads going here at once. I know there are others here suffering the same trauma and need help and support. My heart goes out to all of you.

DJK - it's perfectly okay and normal to feel sad and bad. Your marriage is ending, and no matter why, it is still sad. Grief is a slippery emotion, so don't be surprised if it takes you unawares sometimes. I had some rough days in there too. Divorce was not what I wanted (indeed, I don't think most people 'want' it), but it was absolutely what needed to happen in my case; I, too, was dealing with a completely unremorseful cheater and imho, there is just no healthy way forward for the BS in such a case aside from divorce.

You're gonna be okay. Feel your feelings, whatever they are, but keep moving forward with what is best for YOU. I promise you there will come a day where the sad will be far less and your hope and optimism for a future free of infidelity will far outweigh the grief.

I had hoped I would feel better about it, but I feel like shit. I know it’s the right move and a step in the right direction, but it’s not what I want. I try to think about how bad the situation has been for 7 months and it gives me a little hope…not much, but a little.

If you felt great about a family breaking up, I would be worried about you. A person with a high EQ and empathy is going to feel sad that your WW’s cruel, abusive and destructive behavior led to this.

But it did. Feel sad but know you did the right thing and that your life is going to automatically improve no longer having to be subjected to her abuse. Wear a VAR at all times for any face to face interactions with her.

You are not divorcing your wife. You are divorcing your abuser.

Dan, DETACH. 180 her hard. Stop thinking of her as your wife. She is your abuser.

Stay away from her

Also, there's a Divorce/Separation forum on SI, and I think you can get support from the folks who post there.

I do not at all mean that you should not post in the G forum. If this is a source for support, keep posting here. If you switched entirely to D/S, you'd be missed by several people, including me.

But I suggest you look at D/S to see if the folks there can help.

And CONGRATULATIONS! I am sorry you don't feel immediate relief, but I agree you're getting yourself out of being abused. That's a big change, and it's bound to include some major discomfort - but you will be glad you did it.

((((DJK)))) Good luck and godspeed going forward.

Dan, I find the "fear vs. reality" ongoing thread in the D/S forum to be very helpful and very hopeful.

I don’t know why, but I keep trying to “fix” my wife. Of course, she won’t budge. She actually points to my actions and words as of late as reasons why we should divorce. I have been dealt a devastating blow and at times I am like a wounded dog backed into a corner, I’m going to bite if you come too close.

Yes, I still want to save the family. No, I’m not calling off the divorce.

I keep asking questions like “why can’t you move your phone back to the family plan? Why can’t you stop hiding in the shadows?” Via text… of course, she just ghosts me. She is much better at grey rock than I am. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. And I know the answers, I can’t seem to get these damn rose colored glasses off my face.

I keep getting lied to and gaslit and I still don’t learn my lesson.

I post this today because I keep pressing her on the video that was on her phone that I discovered last Monday. When I opened the “gallery” on her android phone, it was at the top of the list. It tells me that it was recent. I ask her, “it was from last weekend wasn’t it?” Her answer “you can sort things in different ways, so no it’s not recent.” I asked her again this morning, she said “have you ever heard of a secure file? It was in a secure file and it is from the summer.” OK, that might make sense, so I go into work. Again, thinking I could be wrong, maybe it is old, maybe I’m overreacting…in any event I was disarmed.

Then it just hit me and the reason for this post. Why would you move a file from the gallery to a secure folder, then move it back to the gallery? It’s just as easy to access it from either place. I fell for it again. The cheater just can’t stop lying. Some day I will stop doing this to myself. I know I should not care at this point, but my sanity...my fucking sanity. I know, the 180...it's hard...I have days when I just desperately want my family back and I open my big mouth, like today. I likely just spent the last Christmas together as a family unit and it hurts.

This divorce can’t go quick enough. Looks like the court papers say late April as the “case management date.” Good God help me.

OP - it should be plainly obvious that there is only one person wanting this marriage (or wants to fix this marriage). You can't fix a marriage when only one person cares. The sooner you accept this fact, the quicker you get yourself out of infidelity.

Best of luck with your journey and stay strong.

DJK - of course it's hard. It is hard and sad and infuriating and all sorts of shit on top of all the other shit you have already had to contend with.

Putting down the hopium pipe is really difficult but soooo necessary for your sanity.

Just tell yourself that 98% of what she says is complete and utter bullshit. Cus it probably is. You can't fix her and the only person you will hurt trying to do that is yourself.

Try to go cold turkey on the checking her phone and stuff too. It helps....

You are right. Yes, I had to go cold turkey on the checking the phone stuff.

At this point what am I going to say, "hey stop doing that or I'm going to divorce you."?

I have to remind myself that I have no control over that anymore, but I do have control over the divorce now and my own future.

She doesn't want it. The harder you wish/push for her the greater the odds that she won't respond favorably.

D - don’t

E - even

T - think

A - about

C - changing

H – her.

Your W's A and post-A behavior say nothing about you. The A is about her, not about you. Let the D finalize, and detach.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:27 AM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

stop feeding the bear

So I got an email last week from my wireless provider. It said that there was a request to add a line to my family plan. My STBX put her cell phone back on the family plan.

I thought, gee that's nice finally she is doing something positive. Not sure it's enough at this point, but OK a step in the right direction I guess.

I let it go, didn't say anything. We had an OK weekend, cordial, etc. But I didn't say anything about the phone.

This morning I couldn't keep it in any longer, I called her at her work from my work and asked "why did you move your phone back to the plan?"

She yelled at me... "well that's what you wanted isn't it? Because you told me to. Why are you bothering me with this at work, you had all weekend to discuss it but now you have to bother me at work."

OK - that was unexpected. How about a nice "because I don't want to get divorced and I wanted you to feel comfortable in the marriage." Geez is that too much to ask?

So now I have access to the phone records and who texts her at 1:30 this afternoon? APKurt. I asked her WTF? She said, "well I didn't respond."

My reply, "it doesn't matter, he is comfortable texting you and he should not be."

Then I go the dreaded "well I'm still on the fence."

She's still on the fucking fence. Holy shit this woman is crazy. Thank God I started the divorce process. This can't go any faster for me.

Thank you, it helps me to write this out. As I write it I realize just how crazy this situation is...and yes I had a small glimmer of false hope again. I cannot stay away from that hopium pipe.

Anyway, no change in plans. Let's get this divorce done.

Still on the fence... Wow.

Well just tell her she can get her ass off the fence because you're closing the gate to the yard.

And just as an aside here, what a weenie of a gesture after everything she's put you through, I mean honestly. Gee thanks for getting back on the plan so I can pay for you to sext your boyfriend... How thoughtful of you dear! *heavy sarcasm

Just my 0.02, if it were me I'd kick her right off the plan again so you don't obsess over checking the phone records. She is still choosing her fuckbuddy over her husband and children. Unbelievable.

That hopium is some powerful shit. Resist at all costs.

How many times are you going to run your face into the brick wall and pretend to be surprised that it's hard? Your STBXW is straight up, unequivocally, a low-quality human being.

It sounds like you're steaming ahead on the divorce, which is great, but in the meantime, stop giving her opportunities to make you feel like shit. Stop talking to her about anything other than your kids. I know that's easier said than done, but seriously, she has NOTHING to offer you.