SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As for my story, I'll keep it for a while longer. And I'm glad that my previous postings give no hint. That's evidence that I'm succeeding in looking at each case on its own merits and not simply recommending "bumper sticker" solutions to folks.

T/J~

Sidney...Really?..."bumper sticker" comments? I feel that is rude and condescending.

Whatever buddy.

END T/J

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 2:50 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]

T/j

Sidney,

bumper sticker" solutions? Seriously? Sidney, you actually think that we take time out of our day to reply to post for what? Fun?

I have seen folks say that the OP should threaten divorce. That is NOT what the OP wants. He wants to keep his children and NOT share them with the OM. He has stated this several times.

That is one of the dumbest things I've heard anyone say here. Nobody wants their spouse to cheat on them either, but it happens ALL. THE. TIME.

Sidney, I challenge you to find ANYONE who actually wanted to get a divorce and split up their famiy. (not including active and unremorceful WS's) NOBODY wants to get a divorce.

The advice suggesting to threaten filing for divorce (with full intention of following through) is to protect the integrity of the BS.

If you discover your spouse is cheating and is unremorceful, you essencially have NO marriage. So what do you do? Sit back, remain a doormat? Allow your spouse to disrespect you and your marriage while continue contact with the OP? Hoping that they will come around and in the end "choose" you?

No. You take control by insisting on NC with the OP. You lay out the consequences for breaking NC. (filing for divorce)

Affairs are mostly based on fantasy. They thrive in secrecy. The two people sneak off to their quick meeting places...cars, motel rooms, closets, etc. then return to the comfort of their real lives. What we are suggesting is to take away the comfortable real life. Where are they going to go? If the AP is also married, this doubles the problem for the love-birds. Even if the AP is single, having someone suddenly move into their home, possibly with children in tow is not going to have the same glow and excitement as the affair. And the cramped space of a single person's home will not provide the comforts of the WS's previous home. You throw in lawyer fees, divorce cases, child custody, alimony, division of property, etc, etc and people tend to snap out of their fantasy land. This is even MORE effective if this happens to the Wayward when they are not expecting it and are not prepared. And if you act quickly, you are likely able to keep the children in the marital home during this separation.

If you decide to be nice to your WS, try to reason with them, beg, don't expect NC, etc., because you are afraid by doing these things that you will "push" your spouse to the AP. Here's the reality: They are ALREADY WITH THE AP! And by you being nice and not making demands because of fear, the message you are sending is this: You can do anything you want in this marriage. You can have affairs and treat me like shit and I will do nothing but be nice and continue to clean up your messes.

End t/j

[This message edited by sadtoo at 5:36 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]

As for my story, I'll keep it for a while longer. And I'm glad that my previous postings give no hint. That's evidence that I'm succeeding in looking at each case on its own merits and not simply recommending "bumper sticker" solutions to folks

Actually, I asked because it seems as if you haven't been personally affected by infidelity, but instead find this site and topic interesting. No offense, but your posts lack a real first hand knowledge 'feel' of the subject matter. It seems like you're using this site to test theories, not to offer personal insights based on your own experiences.

Sorry for the T/J folks.

OP, do you get the paternity test results tomorrow? Do you have a plan if the fetus is yours, or is OM's?

sidney2718...

Please post respectfully and without offending others.

If that proves too difficult, than please stay off this thread.

Catwoman had written:

The problem is that the WW has either not been given an ultimatum (cease all non-work related contact with AP or leave) AND she is continuing to insert him in their marriage.

Drop contact with the AP or leave? Normally that would be what most all of us would advise. But unless I am very wrong, the OP said that he does NOT want to divorce. That's the monkey wrench in the works!

Why doesn't he want to divorce? Because he's afraid that his WW will turn to the OM, leaving the OM in the position of being a 50% father to his kids (assuming a 50% split in visitation).

That's why I say that the OM is the central problem. It is clear that the WW isn't going to change her view if the child is really the offspring of the OM. In fact, she had her affair, again IIRC, in order to get pregnant in the first place.

I think that if the OM would disappear, the OP would divorce happily if his wife showed no remorse.

That's why this particular situation is so difficult. From the start I've felt that it is a lose-lose-lose situation which is going to have a very unsuitable ending.

Of course, if the OP is in fact the baby's father, then the OM is out of the picture and things get to be much more simple.

sidney2718...

Please post respectfully and without offending others.

If that proves too difficult, than please stay off this thread.

Will do. Thanks for the warning.

Drop contact with the AP or leave? Normally that would be what most all of us would advise. But unless I am very wrong, the OP said that he does NOT want to divorce. That's the monkey wrench in the works!

Why doesn't he want to divorce? Because he's afraid that his WW will turn to the OM, leaving the OM in the position of being a 50% father to his kids (assuming a 50% split in visitation).

That's why I say that the OM is the central problem. It is clear that the WW isn't going to change her view if the child is really the offspring of the OM. In fact, she had her affair, again IIRC, in order to get pregnant in the first place.

I think that if the OM would disappear, the OP would divorce happily if his wife showed no remorse.

WTF?

NOBODY WANTS A DIVORCE!

....So if I could have made the OW in my situation "disappear", my divorce would have been a happy one??????

Who ARE you, anyway? What kind of shit for advice is THAT?

[This message edited by sadtoo at 9:40 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]

We can all say that SAF is crazy and should just leave.

But in reality he loves his wife and loves his family even more.

He is in a tough situation but has kept a level head.

I hope your weekend with the inlaws is not a lot of drama.

Stay cool, calm and collected. And do not be afraid to show your wife the door of she decides to act like a teenager.

She should look in the mirror or at the paternity test to remind herself of how great her decisions have been lately.

Be strong for yourself and your kids.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 10:08 PM, April 3rd (Thursday)]

Sidney, with all due respect the problem in this scenario is NOT the OM.

It's the the individuals' responsibility in a faithful, loving marriage to have boundaries around that marriage and to protect that marriage from those that would erode or destroy that relationship. If boundaries are strong, it doesn't matter how tantalizing the temptation--the party in question says no because they have a strong desire to protect the relationship and the other partner.

SAF's WW has no such boundaries. That's why this is HER issue and not the OM's.

In this scenario, even if the OM goes away today, there is still a need for the WW to work on herself. Otherwise, she is still vulnerable in these areas and may go on to have other inappropriate relationships and further damage the marriage. The OM is a symptom, not the illness.

The OM took what was put to him as available. While it is wrong for him to engage with a married woman, my take is that a married woman shouldn't have been offering herself.

No one is telling SAF to divorce. That's a highly personal and individual decision. What we are advising him to do is to mete out consequences, one of which probably should include tossing the WW out for repeated breaches of boundaries and general disrespect of SAF and the marriage.

Tossing her out is not divorcing her. That may be where this relationship ends up, but just because one files does not mean that it will end in divorce. And we're not advising filing as a wake-up call, either. Filing is a very serious step, and SAF should be prepared to see it through if he does file.

So far, the WW in this scenario has been allowed to cake-eat. She has the OM and what she believes to be their love child, created together in a deliberate act (I don't know, Sidney, if you realized that it was the WW's intent to become pregnant by the OM in this scenario, but that is what her BS was told). And then she has good old SAF paying the bills and fathering their two biological children. The ONLY way to put an end, temporarily or otherwise, to this farce is to boot her out and file for divorce. Nothing else has worked. She refuses to enact boundaries with the OM and limit any interaction to work contact only.

SAF do check in and let us know how the results went. As you know, I am highly concerned about your WW spilling the results to the OM and further enmeshing him in your relationship. My opinion is that if this happens, you need to remove her from your home and file. Doing that, to me, would indicate where her loyalties are, and it would indicate, unfortunately, that they are not with your marriage.

Cat

Why doesn't he want to divorce? Because he's afraid that his WW will turn to the OM, leaving the OM in the position of being a 50% father to his kids (assuming a 50% split in visitation).

Sadtoo is so right - this is the same scenario everyone ends up in. No one wants the WS to end up with the OP. This is NOT unique to this situation.

The continued calls to tell her to leave, despite this desire (or lack of desire) is because being in a marriage with NO boundaries, and no respect, is worse than the alternative. (SAF, please, read this over and over)

In reality, very few people actually end up with the AP. Even less actually make it work.

Sidney, I say again, it doesn't appear that you have personally been affected by any infidelity. I have to wonder if you're a student testing theories, or some other action. If so, I do hope you come clean, because ONLY BSs are allowed to post in this forum, and I cannot imagine that you are one. If you are, I apologize, but your views on the subject appear far more clinical than personal.

sadtoo...

You may not agree with Sidney's last post, however, that doesn't mean you can attack him.

He was flagged and asked to post respectfully...we ask that you all show the same courtsey.

Thank you.

Sometimes, you have to prepare to lose the marriage to save the marriage.

Sometimes, you have to prepare to lose the marriage to save the marriage.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Exactly what I think we are all trying to say - much more succinctly.

Not my kid.

I'm sorry - even though that is what you expected, it's hard to have confirmed.

Maybe this will help get your wife out of the fog.

I am sorry, SAF. Although this was anticipated, it sucks to have it confirmed in black and white.

What is your WW's reaction?

Cat

Sorry to hear that; but at least now you know for certain. Whatever you decide, we are here for you.

((SAF)) Finding out the truth, even if we think we know what the truth is, is still like a punch in the gut.

I am sorry that you are hurting further.

I can't remember, have you seen an lawyer? Or perhaps multiple lawyers?

(((strangeasfiction)))

I'm desperately sorry. I'm crying as I type - this has to hurt so much.

You will get through this and you WILL be ok, but it's ok to fall apart a little bit as you let this sink in. We are all here for you.

Sending hugs and strength.

SAF, I am so sorry. Just know my thoughts are with you, whatever path you decide on.