SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No contact=no new hurts.

Plus like Lucas said, she will take anything you say and turn it inside out to suit her goals.

The NC is to help YOU separate and find your feet through all this mess.

NC isn't to punish her, it's to help you.

k9

Going NC is for you not to get your ww angry.

No matter what, she is always going to be in your life, you can either make that exchange when going through the divorce and after a living hell or not. The reality is, she is the mother of your son but she does not have to be your wife. Act in that fashion.

I know you think your "silent treatment" is best to spite her, but in reality, you moving on and finding the new you, the new and improved you who can shake her off on a whim will do far more damage in her mind than hiding in silence.

This is true but you have to get to that point and I don't think you are ready yet(it's been less than 3 days). You need to get to a point where you can brush off her actions (advances, anger, crying, blame shifting, lying, sleeping with OM every weekend, telling you about her sex life....) right now it's a roller coaster of emotions. To keep strong and be able to function at work and get to a point where you can "shake it off" we advocate NC.

I would show up whether invited or not, he is your son and caught in the middle of her toxic manipulation. This happened because you are not there. I disagree with moving out in principle until the lawyers sort that out, it works best in my experiences, but what is done is done.

True in theory but if you scan the boards this week we have three claims of fake DV going on. Those men did nothing wrong they just didn't want to be away from home and family. They are now paying for a hotels, court costs, dealing with friends and family that heard about the DV it will be at least 2 months before they can get back into the house.

As long as you are proceeding with divorce, i would be around my son as much as possible even if that means being around her. The more you hide in silence the more sh!t she can tell your son.

True again but he is 17 and not biologically your son. Spending his last two months at home watching his parents fight would not be good for him (his words during your last argument with her "you guys need to get your shit together"). You would fight, she wants at you so bad right now... all her messages are about how upset she is with the situation not about remorse or what she did wrong. When you read what others that have experienced this first hand (as a 17 year old child) they say to keep in touch and continue contacting son, let him know you are there for him and love him.

I don't know about you but the people that have been writing about their own experiences of being a teen while watching a parent have an affair have been such emotional posts. Them trying to help your son by telling you what they wish their parent had done differently. You have to be so careful that you are putting their needs a head of your own and what you think they need. I have three young boys and their needs are so much different from your 17 yr old.

Also, how different is the "talking it out" approach from what you had been doing less than a week ago?" How was it working for you?

On a side note I bet the camera is set-up in her car so she can catch you retrieving the VAR...otherwise she would have said something to you about it.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:24 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

I agree with Freeme.

The NC is for OP to heal by detaching.

and since she has not mentioned the VAR she may not have found it or as Freeme has said she wants to catch you try to retrieve it.

her searching online could be to get one when you around.

Do you have Keys to her car?

If you try and retrieve it where gloves and a mask.

I think any business contact should be done through the lawyers and it would be pretty simple:

There is no child custody issues here no child support.

Step son is an adult so if he "wants" to contact OP he can.

No house to deal with just the lease.

assets are 2 car likely split to what you are driving now and the stuff in the apartment.

that leaves alimony and retirement.

didn't you say she made more than you? if so you may get some alimony.

[This message edited by convert at 9:38 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

@freeme, you responded to my post :)

That was my advise to the OP.

@OP, no one is going to advocate "contact" as to "rekindle" something. My whole point is to keep a "business contact" nothing rude, always calm and resolute, like you have moved on and looking forward to what is ahead.

The whole thing that you and others posted "it's a trap" as I stated before is nonsensical and feeds the context of no contact based on "spite."

As recent posters have stated, NC is for you but at this point, you are proceeding with divorce, so have "contact" for your son and to help move the divorce along.

as a poster above stated:

I think any business contact should be done through the lawyers.

I would agree with this if she starts making the divorce difficult and gets very toxic.

If you can keep the divorce as amicable as possible, better for you, better $$ and most of all better for your son.

[This message edited by atreides at 9:40 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

I think things are already very toxic, so much so that he felt the need to move out, which we would usually advise against.

It is killing him from the inside out.

I believe she is already on the path to make the divorce difficult, I believe it is just her nature.

Unloved, your ww/stbxww said she was thinking about moving to OM's town; what about her Job?

What about her son will he move with her?

[This message edited by convert at 10:11 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

At least NC should continue until Unloved can heal some, it might help him make a more concise decision.

If by chance Unloved WW would start to realize what she is going to lose and come running back the NC could help him to decide what to do.

I'm really not sure what to do.

Everyone makes sense, in their own way.

It is indeed very toxic. Just seeing her emails to me send me into an anxious state.

The thought of communicating with her on any level right now is highly uncomfortable.

At the same time, there are some things that do need to be communicated.

I feel as though she and POSOM conspire to destroy me, to make divorce as dirty, bloody, and brutal as possible.

I feel as though their intent is to leave me as damaged as they possibly can. Whatever I have done over the course of 11 years, I have done nothing to deserve this.

I just want to be left alone so I can try to heal.

I recommend you google and ask your therapist for advice on relaxing techniques, like for example autogenic training (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autogenic_training). Please, try to keep yourself as calm as possible. Go to the pharmacy and ask which tea is good for calming down, drink lots of it.

As for worrying about the divorce -> try to not worry about this in advance. I know it's easier said than done, but I find it very unlikely OM or your wife want it prolonged, public etc. They probably want it over as quickly as possible, without their "good names" being dragged through the mud etc.

Keep your chin up, things will get better!

Best wishes!

Are you mentally ready to file? Are you sure you want to file uncontested? (might want to run the situation by the people in the divorce forum for input) It's only been three days do you think you can remain business when you "talk" (email) about divorce with her?

I think she is ready to Divorce and she and OM are planning what to do if you claim infidelity...of course if you file uncontested they might play nice to get this over with ASAP. I understand your need to "talk" but do you think you are emotionally ready? Would a few days/weeks make you stronger or do you feel the limbo would cause more stress than the "conversations?"

Good advice, Hobbes.

My next appointment with my therapist is in about 50 minutes, actually. I'll be sure to bring it up.

I recognize that my thoughts, fears, and anxiety are not healthy, stable, or rational. That does help me to calm down and level out after a few minutes. That's a good sign, right?

I am not talking about "toxicity" as in what you feel, it is given the destruction she has done.

Moreover, we have to take into context what a cheater is, an addict to the high of infidelity. Thus the FOG many of us use to describe the irrational nature and behavior of it all.

HOWEVER, there is also a trend with the betrayed also having their own version of being in the FOG where by it is the reactions we make beyond what we know to be "real" but in many times we spite and project especially on the affair partner.

I agree moving out is never the answer but that is the BS's reaction and is already done and not point to discuss that further.

The reality is you will have to deal with her for quite a long time regarding your son. No matter what she says to you, it is irrelevant so long as you keep the door open for communication that must go on for the divorce and for your son.

I have not read anything yet that compares to some of the "toxicity" i refer to in outright dirty, bloody and flat out evil things that the wayward can do in the divorce process.

Thus 100% silence is not the answer, especially for your son. The more you are around, the less chance to "imagine" things, the more "reality" presents itself.

Yes it is going to be awkward and unpleasant to see her, but YOU ARE BEYOND her, YOU are BETTER than her. You have the CONTROL now, it is your life and not hers to do with as she is allowed to will.

Hobbes does have some good advise for therapy.

[This message edited by atreides at 11:11 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

RE: No contact

If you want to tell your WW this:

I feel as though she and POSOM conspire to destroy me, to make divorce as dirty, bloody, and brutal as possible.

I feel as though their intent is to leave me as damaged as they possibly can. Whatever I have done over the course of 11 years, I have done nothing to deserve this.

Or how much this pains you, how hurt you feel, etc.

Trust me when I say - She won't give a shit. In fact, she'll turn it around about how much you've hurt her, abandoned her/your son, what kind of man would do that, she's a complete mess, doesn't know what to do, blah, blah, blah.

BTDT. Just keep it to finanaces and son. Forget everything else.

Probably the worst part about WWs who are checked out and don't give a shit? The fact that you'll never have a real understanding of why? Why did they throw away all those years? Why would they do this if they love us? Why did they destroy our family?

We'll never get those answers, and that's a pain that stays with you for a long time. You only start to heal when you realize that you won't get those answers, and you start to move on and build a new life.

Shitty deal, but there it is.

Good point, Atreides. (Love the name by the way. Bless the Maker...)

Side note: perhaps I should print and recite the Litany Against Fear every time I go into contact with her.

I understand what she is, why she does what she does now. And I understand that my thoughts and fears are not rational.

I also agree that because I know what SHE is, I know what I am. I am better than her. I have discipline and self control. I will move on and rebuild happiness and she will rot in the consequences of poor decision making.

Trust me when I say - She won't give a shit. In fact, she'll turn it around about how much you've hurt her, abandoned her/your son, what kind of man would do that, she's a complete mess, doesn't know what to do, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, I know. I already tried that a few times. Every time I've tried (and failed) to talk to her about why I behave as I do, why and how I hurt, it just becomes, "Well, I'm hurting. I've been hurting. This is your fault... You left me vulnerable and I responded to POSOM. I can't even trust you any more... I don't know what I want. Blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit."

I'm way past the point of trying to talk to her about feelings. Finances, DS. Done.

Indeed Unloved... "Bless the maker and his water"

Oh, by the way. She DID send me her email conversation starter anyway.

She did find the recorder and was trying to bait me into talking about it.

I present to you the latest episode in Fucked Up Adultress Theatre:

-----

I am not coming at you in anger or attacking you.

I know that I told I wanted to work on things with you and I can see what my actions said and why they made you feel the way I think they do. I'm sorry for that. You also said you wanted to work on our marriage, however, I found a recording device in my car. You are still lying to me which makes me feel like you are not really serious about changing things.

I guess my issue is the trust thing. I was not happy to find the recorder in my car. And you seem to be hesitant to address that.

I will be honest. After finding that in my car I'm not sure I want to fix things. I will always be watching over my shoulder and I dont want to live my life like that.

I guess my question is whats the next step?

----

This has been another episode of Fucked Up Adultress Theatre. Stay tuned next time for "Dafuq? Did She Really Just Say That?!"

Oh, and thanks for the suggestion to listen to My Give a Damn's Busted!!

I've got that song on repeat at my desk right now.

Yep she sounds just like every other wayward... it's never going to be her fault, it's always on you and that she is the victim.

Waywards can never piece together that once trust is betrayed IE the affair, verification is the next step.

She will never understand that "we" fix things is not the point, that she must first "fix" herself and find out what broke inside before anything else. She cannot grasp the fact that she must earn you back.

However as I said before, those are her problems and not yours. You are better and beyond her.

[This message edited by atreides at 11:37 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)]