SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why! Why did you do this? Why can't you contact me and truly say you are sorry? Are you sorry you did this to me or just that you lost your family? Why am I so sad and angry? Whey do you get to do what you want now? Don't you feel stupid and ashamed being with her?

Everyone would say I'm toxic to you and I guess in some ways I am. But you know what for your years of ignoring me, telling me eff-you, giving me your bullying and bullsh*t - I say EFF-YOU.

You somehow think you have some kind of scoop on insight or answers or a god-complex.

Eff-that and you too.

I'm sick of you're boring, annoying and Eff'd up way of doing things. I am doing things my way now - f*cker. My way.

You told me my way or the highway however many years ago and I said the highway - when you did this and that - it became your way again.

Now it will either be our way which effing includes - MY WAY - or how about YOU TAKE THE EFF'ING HIGHWAY?!?

F*CKER.

I hate who you are. I hate who you are.

I am just... you are a coward. YOu are a piece of shit. I wish I never had to talk with you again. Truly.

I am so angry that I am a mess right now.

I am trying to be mature and see how this is the right thing, but fuck you.

just because i didnt call you on your bullshit doesn't mean i don't see it.

I see it all. I see through you.

You are a case study in manipulation and using people and you think of yourself as this great guy.

Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking noble ideas about how "mature" you are.

You didn't do me any favors by not leaving me, you piece of shit. And now I have to go see your cousin because the kids need haircuts and they want to see her. I know your family doesn't know the truth. I have no idea what you told them. I really dont. Knowing you and your family you probably said I cheated... or let them believe that this was all mutual you selfish delusional shitbag.

I hate myself for not only putting up with but actually actively supporting your years upon years of emotional abuse and manipulation.

You are such a lying piece of shit. And you think that pretending we were in R was to "not hurt me?"

What in the actual fuck is wrong with you?

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

and i Hate you.

Where are you??????

You have always made me feel stupid and what's more is you have tried to. It makes you feel big man on campus - well

Screw that.

It has only been 2 weeks since I last texted you, but I miss you more than anything - even though you betrayed me, betrayed us, and show no remorse. I know my anxiety and depression let us both down and held us back from living the life we both desired and from making our dreams come true, but because of your adulterous actions, we will never have the chance at that life. It's been two months since we separated, and not a day had passed where I have not cried over you. You still don't seem to have the slightest guilt, or any idea just how much damage your behavior has caused me. I love you more than anything, but at the same time, I hate your fucking guts. I want you to feel sorrow, guilt, and remorse, and to realize what it is you gave up. You'll never find someone who loves you like I do, but you don't care. Which is why I cannot contact you.

It has only been 2 weeks since I last texted you, but I miss you more than anything - even though you betrayed me, betrayed us, and show no remorse. I know my anxiety and depression let us both down and held us back from living the life we both desired and from making our dreams come true, but because of your adulterous actions, we will never have the chance at that life. It's been two months since we separated, and not a day had passed where I have not cried over you. You still don't seem to have the slightest guilt, or any idea just how much damage your behavior has caused me. I love you more than anything, but at the same time, I hate your fucking guts. I want you to feel sorrow, guilt, and remorse, and to realize what it is you gave up. You'll never find someone who loves you like I do, but you don't care. Which is why I cannot contact you.

One year ago. I was struggling with our only headed off to college and trying to figure out my next career move. I was so tired of feeling so alone in a marriage, but knew everyone would think me heartless to leave. You worked so hard at convincing the world you were such a great guy and I was a miserable bitch.

But I knew I could not live like that anymore so I mad the decision to ask for a divorce in six months. I felt guilty and selfish and horrible and you just kept treating me worse and worse.

Now I know you were sexting with 3-4 employees non-stop and thought you had a 25 yo GF. Your dumbass even bought her a car, then she ran off and married another guy

So of course that was somehow my fault, so you got even shittier to me. Then I found out. I stumbled on it really. You were so proud of your self. So happy for me to know how long and how well you had been publicly humiliating me.

Because after all I deserved it right? I was not perfect and a never ending source of ego kibbles. I had the gall to ask you to be part of a relationship and to be an adult.

But you showed me. I asked you to at least deal with the insurance. So you started an affair with the disgustingly fat middle aged receptionist at the insurance office.

I said I wanted a divorce, you begged me to stay, then started 'dating' the 25 year. Even hung out with her kid.

I wanted to make a goal to pay for college in cash, no debt.

You turned around and spent a years worth of tuition on women and gambling.

The sick part is you 100% believe you were totally entitled to your behavior. You are clearly surprised I am divorcing you and can't seem to believe I am upset.

As brutal as the year has been at least I will get away from you.

I have never had a single regret in life. I see every bit of my life, good and bad, as an opportunity to learn. But I regret meeting you and I regret every minute I stayed married to you.

You are an emotionally abusive piece of garbage. You deserve the miserable life you have created for yourself. Thank god the kid is old enough I don't have to coparent. I don't ever want to have to talk to you again.

For Christ's sake get over yourself......

you big, fat FUCK.

NO

You are NOT so fucking amazing that I still want to be married to you.

You make me *shudder*

Gawd Almighty....... you think that i'm not over you?

Think again.....

and bugger off.

PS - NO, NO, NO..... HOW MANY TIMES NO

Do I have to tell you that the last thing on this earth I want, is to hug or kiss you.

You make me want to PUKE.

You are such a raging ass.

I'm so sick of hearing about how you're supporting DD. Really? Can you explain to me exactly when you transferred her cellphone to your plan? Because I still see it on mine. And how come you don't ever seem to remember the year+ that she lived with ME after graduation and thought it was perfectly acceptable for me to pay for all of her expenses?

Oh right - because I didn't talk about it incessantly, because I'm her mother, and that's what parents DO - they help their kids when they can.

And the interest free loan to DD that is being created every time you pay her insurance? It's exactly that, per the decree. I bite my tongue every time you start fucking whining about her car insurance.

How do you think DS bought his car this summer? With his good looks? NO, asshole, I loaned him the money. Interest free. With no payment terms in place because he's in school. He will pay me back when he can, years from now, after he has completed undergrad and probably graduate school. And he and I will never discuss it, because he will pay me when he can.

You make more money than the average person. You can certainly float her a loan for $100/month. Stop acting like you're destitute.

And btw - I wish I could be there to see your face when my attorney serves your dumb ass with the papers to enforce the QDRO that is almost a year overdue.

You're such a NPD asshole.

I hate what you've done to your kids. I hate how you've hurt and disappointed them. I hate that you are still emotionally abusive with them.I hate that you are so broken and you're too weak to fix yourself.

I'm just really angry at you today.

Do what you are supposed to do and leave me the fuck alone.

btw - I LOVE that DS said to me yesterday that my bf "is definitely an upgrade".

Fucker.

Is it over? How did I end up in this nightmare?

How are you willing to ignore your own emptiness at the cost of my pain and suffering?

How do you justify to yourself and believe such outrageous lies?

What is fantasy land like?

Filled with cotton candy clouds and blue MnM's I imagine.

It's amazing that you can drop me like nothing.. That you can lie so easily to another girl.

She believes you because she wants to, not because you are telling the truth.

[This message edited by IceThee at 1:42 PM, August 19th (Saturday)]

I miss playing Scrabble with you. Remember how we used to record the scores on the back of the board with a Sharpie?

I don't know why you had to ruin such a beautiful thing we had between us. Some days it just really sucks.

I know that you had sex with her this weekend. It makes me sick. I wish she would dump so fast and run from you like crazy.. that you would understand the pain, the brokenness..

You think you have me fooled. You think you have everyone fooled.

Today is our nephew's birthday... the one we both adore. The one you stole from me with your cheating and lying. He's your brother's son but it didn't matter to me. I love that little kid with all my heart. I bet you feel so proud of how your family is "supporting" you by cutting me out. It is not just. You threw your heart and d!ck around and yet I'm the one they cut out. None of them could handle what you've put me through, if it was their spouse doing this to them...

I Do Not Deserve This.

You are FAKE! You are FAKE and SELFISH and still trying to control me! Just leave me alone. I have nothing in common with you aside from 2 kids. I didn't ask for this or deserve this. You just don't get it.....NO I don't want to be your friend. I want to give you what you want as quickly as possible....YOUR DIVORCE! This shit show is all your mess.....I'm just in charge of cleaning it up. Please just leave me alone and stop trying to be "nice" to me. I can see through it and so can the kids!

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 1:13 PM, August 21st (Monday)]

I want to make an excuse to call you. But you have chosen to give yourself to OW #?. The rejection pulses through my veins like acid. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I can find no peace anywhere I turn. You even haunt my dreams. I have no safe place. I keep asking God....Why did you do this to me? To us? What did I do to deserve this?

You've got to be kidding me. Your goal in the settlement is to STAY FRIENDS? We're not friends. We haven't been since you chose Moneypants over Mr. Boring and Reliable.

After months and months of moving on I see you and you utter that shit and then get offended when I have the nerve to point out that you ran off with a guy with a nicer house and an insurance check FROM HIS DEAD WIFE!!!. I suppose I should have known that you had lied to your lawyer about not screwing around.

Now I've got the scenes playing over and over again in my head on how I want to explain to you that you are a horrible person and that if you saw the you that you are now 3 years ago you would have hated her. You think you DESERVE anything still from me? Bullshit!

Just for 3 minutes imagine that I screwed around on you. Just take that time - I'll wait ..... My ass would have been thrown out, my crap would have been all over the yard and you would have felt morally superior wouldn't you. Instead I danced the Pick Me for nearly a God Damned Year and kept your "secrets" for longer than that. Thank God that you were outed by others.

You think you're "getting away" with this with your smug smiles and fake outrage. Well - let me tell you madam - you may get my money, you may get my pension but you will never ever in this world get my respect NOR THAT OF YOUR CHILDREN.

And you thought that you can control me still by taking offence to the TRUTH! No more Princess! The Truth shall set me free and it has - or at least will as soon as you get off your saggy wrinkled ass and actually do some of the work for the separation and divorce THAT YOU ASKED FOR AND THAT YOU CAUSED.

There are days that I SO wish that I wasn't "the better person" who prides loyalty and honour and doesn't want to be petty. There is SO much that I wish I can do.

Well - enjoy your new life and new "love" built on his money and your lies. Enjoy it while you keep hiding from the world pretending that you are a sweet innocent thing. You'll have to come out of your cave someday and face the world. You'll also have to face the fact that Moneybags will realize that he can do so much better than your stumpy bod with it's rolls of fat, your pain issues, your temper and your nutbar family. You perhaps think that as long as you keep putting out that you've got him hooked. We both know that you hate sex and think the naked human body is disgusting and that you only ever put out to hold power over the other person. As soon as you try to cut him back and as soon as you start showing your crappy wifely skills in the kitchen and house he'll be changing his mind and you'll find yourself tossed out for a newer model along with the rest of the garbage.

And I won't be there to rescue you this time like all the others that I did from your financial troubles, your screw-ups at work, your poor housekeeping. Nothing. Like you said yourself "It's all on YOU".

I hate this! You're out doing whatever (or whomever?) you want.. thinking that it's all "ok" because you told me you want to D. IT's NOT OK. If it really was ok, you would have told your family and your girlfriends the truth. All of it. Not "your truth". But the actual truth. Of how you've neglected me all these years. How you blame me for your getting into debt. How you've lied about spending money and wasting it, then getting angry with me for how I spend the bit you give to me for groceries. How awful of me to want a new shirt or something--- when you bought yourself an entirely new wardrobe last year. How selfish of me to want a new laptop---- when you've had 2 new computers since I bought mine.. I was SO grateful for the new phone you said we could get cause it was in the budget... yet somehow it's now "my problem" if we can't afford it. How do you even live with yourself?

I know none of the OW mean anything to you. I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. That I am the only one that has really ever mattered. But wow, what a horrible way of showing me. You in fact have shown me the exact opposite. You have shown me that only YOU really matter

I weep for what you've thrown away. And worry about you when you finally do 'wake up' and realize it.. will you? Will you ever allow yourself to see the truth? Will you ever stop being addicted? Will you ever beg for my forgiveness?

Right now you don't care. You are "high" on all these fixes and keep charging around for more. You have thrown me away. I may not be perfect (definitely not), but I adored you. We were in this life together, and gonna conquer it all. Now, you've treated me like garbage. I do not deserve that.

Goodbye.

You lied, you betrayed me, you threw everything away for nothing, that's what 21 years together meant to you. I keep throwing away our memories you've killed everything, you are a stranger to me with your new posey selfie, you look like what you are, an ageing old man trying to be young. You stole my fertile years, you will never have my forgiveness but one day you can have my indifference and that will be my gift back to you. You will scratch your bald head and wonder why I'm so awkward whatever it's because your heart is made of stone. Good luck in life, you can't ever get rid of yourself maybe one day I will thank you for all this because you were grumpy and boring in the end no life no energy no adventure just dull grey like half of your wardrobe.

I cannot make you love me. I cannot make you see the light. I realize that now. I've been so desperate to cling on to my family, that I've convinced myself to rug sweep your huge betrayal, lack of respect for me not only as a wife, a friend, a mother, but as just a human being deserving respect.

I've been willing to work through the craziest and worst pain I've ever experienced. And I don't just mean a bit of depression because my family is in turmoil. I'm talking severe heartache because I lost my best friend. The person who I had planned to spend the rest of my life with. The person who I grew up with. The person I created a family with. The person that I stood up for, in front of all friends and family; and promised to love and honor for the rest of my life. And I'm talking about stomach pains, at the mere thought of the lies, deceit, acts you guys carried out right under my nose, while I was loving my family with everything I had (albeit trying to get through a rough patch.) I'm talking about never ending tears all the time. I'm talking about loss like you can't imagine, even tho you think it's the same. I'm talking about so many sleepless nights when I wake up in cold sweats and pains, heart racing. Because I dreamt what is not only a nightmare but actually my reality.

I'm talking about the severe anxiety I now have because I have no idea what my future looks like now, after thinking I knew and loving what I saw for so long. Now I know it was all a facade.

The only way to describe this pain is to imagine a hand covered in jagged glass reaching into your chest and ripping your heart out. And then realizing it was the one you loved most who just did it. That is my reality. You had no cares in the world. You actually were having a great time pulling all this off. Creating dozens and dozens of memories of all of us together while you to got the last laugh. Thinking you were so above us as partners that you just owed it to yourselves to follow what ever instincts you had at everyone else's expense. Pure selfishness. Pure disrespect. Both of you.

So here I find myself. Trying to give everything I have to see where I made wrong turns, got complacent, wasn't the ideal partner. I am not even the tiniest bit responsible for your affair. But I was 50% responsible for our marriage, and for that I have regrets. But I want to repeat, that I am not responsible whatsoever for your decision to have an affair. You had many, many more options than that.

And now, after all the destruction, I had come to the realization that I was willing to try and understand. Make room for forgiveness, and hopefully build a better, stronger, more united family. Despite the fact not a single person I know could even stomach the idea after what had been done. But I was willing, not because I'm weak. Because I'm strong and I know life is not black and white. And I believe good people can do shitty things. But even after all this, you are so complacent. So ambivalent. You don't care. About any of it. All you can focus on are these tiny viewpoints and not the bigger picture. You're lazy and scared. Lazy because you don't want to do the work and make the effort it would take to love me in the way that I deserve. Scared because if you did, and it made you happy, you'd feel like a piece of shit for the whole entire thing. And I'm sure you're scared to let me down, but that loops back to the lazy part. If you actually wanted to be a good partner you could and would. And I'm realizing you just don't. You have zero motivation to be a partner of substance for me. It's a tough pill to swallow. But I'm trying.

There's a saying "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time". That's what I'm doing,

Processing this whole fucked up situation one step at a time, and admittedly I make some mistakes along the way. I know I haven't handled this world of hurt up to your standards, but even the idea of that is pretty ridiculous. Considering this whole thing seemed like a giant game to you guys. Standing in the threshold of the doors in our shared vacation rental hysterically laughing back & forth. I now know you two were laughing at the idea that you guys were fucking yet going to bed with your respective husband/ wife. Then there was the time (at our other shared vacation rental) you grabbed on her when I was washing dishes but I could see in the reflection of the dark window, and you were just a foot or two away. I actually thought I was crazy and imagining that that happened. This whole thing was a giant game for you two up until you got caught. And that has been more painful than you'll ever know. Maybe the hardest part is knowing that you are completely unmotivated to help me heal, love me until you actually start to feel it again, try to keep your dick in your pants until you know what's what. But you've done exactly what you've wanted to do. Chase her a bit more until your bored, then tell me we're not on the right trajectory. Fuck your trajectory. You have created this entire trajectory headed straight for the ground. I've been doing nothing but trying to save us. And maybe that's my problem. Maybe that's why you are so apathetic or ambivalent. Because you have too many options. You take me for granted. And worse, you don't see my value as a partner in life. A lover. A fighter. Loyal to a fault. And always willing to work on myself while trying to see the bigger picture.

I'm taking this option off the table. And with that means that I'm really done.

Go get Kate. She's a real fucking winner and I think she's actually your perfect match.