SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Whatever goes on in your head?

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I believed you. Again. Such a bad habit to keep repeating. I know you are stringing me along and I allow it. Nothing changes unless I change it. And I am too weak. And you play me, you use my weakness, my propensity to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, against me. Over and over again.

I can't fix you and it's too hard for you to try. You still just want to run and hide.i supported you through your affair with your health issues and job issues, but all you want is more from me.and I can't be angry.

Why the fuck am I still trying? Why do I care about you? How do I break the bad habit that is you? Fuck you and your weak character and your damn good lying.

This is not my life. I trusted. I believed. I loved. I supported. And I got screwed. Over and over I trust and I just dont think you are all in.

I was looking in the mirror and I hate the sad angry woman I have become. I hate how scared and unsure I have become. Hate never used to be in my vocabulary.

I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to face life's challenges with you. I thought we were special. I thought you were special. But I am not special. And you are a compulsive liar and a weak man.

Please stop hurting me.

When I look at you I've lost all feeling - the situation with every twist and turn all so overwhelming and I feel numb.

You probably do too.

Hurt people hurt people could never be more true than in our marriag. We aren't here for each other anymore - were we ever? We are here for ourselves And probably the littles.

It's hard to walk away. But it's worse to be in a relationship that makes you feel so utterly alone. The RW quote came via email and stopped me - "worse things than being alone - being in a relationship that makes you feel alone."

The truth can cut like a knife.

Look how that impacted him - he had it all and could have had more of anything he wanted. The world was at his finger tips like it isn't for most of us. And yet the torment caused drastic actions.

People either get it or they don't. I don't get you and you don't get me. I'm pretty sure I know what the response should be but its all so damn tragic.

I'm sorry for a lot - I am sorry for so much. Fly - be free - like the birds you love to watch.

I found this awhile ago and kept it. This is what I'd like to say to her:

I have finally come to the place where I understand...

Maybe a happy ending doesn't include you.

Maybe a happy ending is me, on my own, picking up the pieces and starting over.

Maybe a happy ending is finally unburdening myself and being free for something better in the future.

Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

Now where are you? Thirty minutes after "I want to move back home" and you are nowhere to be found. Wtf. I am really starting to hate you. Really really hate you. And that makes me do mad because we wet so good for each other. Now it is hate.

I'm starting to hate you - XX - when I was in the A you taunted me about what I didn't have. The stories seemed everywhere.

Now the anger and one sidedness of so much pain keeps me frozen again.

DM said to me yesterday - take control, be assertive. That includes saying goodbye to you XX.

I don't like you anymore and won't spend time with you.

Pfffft

I can't even be bothered with your snarky little mantrums.....

I think you're confusing me with someone who gives a shit.

Fuck off you pathetic, shit-bipolar-alcohol addicted worm.

In case you think your fucking God's gift to women - you're not.

YOU are a one minute, sweaty, grunty, boring, unattractive arsehole.

So there.

And if my glare doesn't make it 100% clear....... NO

The last thing I want to do is kiss you.

Piss Off

You lying, cheating deadbeat. Your divorce papers are ready! I hope you son never knows the piece of shit you truly are.

God and family know I gave EVERYTHING I had to give and for that, I have no regrets. Your arrogance and lack of morals will be long remembered by all who know you.

Everyone is disappointed in you. I am ashamed that I thought the best in you for so many years when so many said you were worthless. I finally took OFF those rose colored glasses. Better hope the Ows don't take theirs off, too! Who will you run to? You have alienated everyone with your dishonorable behavior.

I hope I never think of you again.

[This message edited by FlyingPegasus at 8:10 PM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

You and your words. Saying you need me to help you get better. Saying you want only kindness. But you aren't kind. You are emotional abusive. I love you but now I also hate you.

I feel my world collapsing and you don't care. Goodbye.

."went to a wedding today. YOU SUCK!!"

[This message edited by hcsv at 9:12 PM, September 9th (Saturday)]

Every day I wish you were dead. I wish I never had to see you again. I wish this were all a dream. I don't know who you are. I don't know who you've become. I don't know who I married.

How could I have been so stupid? How did I not see who you are and what you became? Did you fool me? How long were you real? When did you become fake? At what point did you stop seeing me as a person. Because you can't do this to a person.

How did you not think of your daughter? I hate you so much for what you've done to her. You destroyed her life without a second thought. You don't even realize how much pain you've caused her. You can't see it. You are living your life in this self centered bubble and you can't see the damage you've caused to the people around you.

How did I not see who you really were. "he would never do that." That's what I always thought. He would "never do that." But you did. You did it and you did worse. You destroyed us.

I'm supposed to write this out to help with my anger. And sadness I suppose. I'm supposed to get it out. Not send it to you. But just get it out of me.

I'm mad at myself too. For being so blind. For assuming I knew who you were.

I hate you for so many reasons. But I hate you for destroying the trust I have in people. I wish I never had to see you again.

I hate you for thinking we can just easily move into a friendly co-parenting situation. Like why can't we just be friends and move on. Why? Because I hate you. I hate everything you've become.

And because I question everything. All of the things that you complained about are now words in my head. I need to get them out. I didn't want to do anything "fun" with you. I wasn't spontaneous enough for you. I always needed a plan. Now I do things to prove that you are wrong. And it's dumb. Who cares what you think of me? I've done nothing wrong. I didn't betray my family. I didn't destroy my daughter's world. Why do I give what you think even 1 second worth of thought? Why do I care?

I think that deep down I know there is nothing I could have done to stop this. You were on a path of destruction. And you were too self centered and immature to be able to say ... I'm unhappy, let's make some changes. Instead you just moved on to f-ing anything that moves.

I believe, pretty certainly, that you are already with someone now ... maybe multiple people. Who knows. It's hard for me to explain what bothers me about it ... I don't really care about you being with someone because I would NEVER ever take you back. I just don't want you to be happy. And, don't get me wrong, any "happiness" that comes from a relationship right now isn't real. You haven't done any work on yourself. You are a completely screwed up human being and you are not capable of having an actual relationship. You are capable of falling into the "excitement" of something new.

There is part of me that wants to be the first one to find someone new and move on. A big part of me wants to show you that I can be happy without you and F YOU! But a bigger part of me knows that I need to heal. I need to work through all my emotions. I need to focus on me and my daughter. And there will be a time when it feels right to be with someone else ... in a positive way. Not just to spite you.

But you ... you need to find your happiness in another person. You can't be happy by yourself ... you are too messed up. And so, I know you are finding happiness with someone else right now ... or many someone elses as the case may be.

I hate when people describe you as "as least he's a good dad." F that. If I put in the effort you put in, no one in their right mind would describe me as a good mom. No one. You are an ok dad. You are not a bad father. But you are not a good father either. You need to step up. You need to see that your daughter is not ok. But you won't. You can't see outside of your bubble.

Bumping for a friend.

I wish you died rather than have done this to me. And now, every day I wish you'd just kill yourself like you've been threatening to do. But you won't because you're enjoying your little mistress too much. The guilt is not "killing you inside" as you say. It's just words that you mumble to make yourself feel better when you face me. You are weak.

Why did you tell me "it will be ok"? Why?? And then a week later you have a new gf... which by the way, YOU are making her be "the OW"!!! Because she doesn't know I exist, or you've filled her head with all lies.

I saw the pain on your face today. You don't know I saw it. But it was there. You know who put it there? You did! That's right, YOU! I didn't ask for you to f*** around... I asked you to get help for yourself. And for us. But no. You choose to find a new gf. While keeping me "waiting". You have a surprise coming your way. When I'm finally gone, who will you blame then? Who will daddy blame then? I was LITERALLY the only person in your life who really saw who you are, loved you, fought for you, and never gave up on you. And now? Now you've not only thrown me away like common trash, you don't even have the decency to tell me you're done. You're a coward. And arrogant coward. I don't even say that in anger, just the deepest of sadness. As I'm realizing more and more who you are and how you've treated me most of our marriage, i get sadder.

Oh, and please don't make the mistake of thinking that I've loved you because of who you are. Recognize this: I have loved you, remained faithful to you, and stayed in our marriage without CEASING.. because of who I AM. It reflects on me. It shows who I am.

Your actions are your own mirror.

Tonight I spoke with our mutual friend. Of course, you came up. I bemoaned my situation, how much I loved you, how much I missed you. Our friend said, "If it's any consolation, she wasn't happy when I saw her last week."

So, if you're miserable, why won't you come home?

I miss you so much. I want you still. Anything can be forgiven if you just ask for it. If you want it as much as I do.

I still love you, after all.

How could you? IN OUR bed

I stopped by our old place to pick up the rest of the kids' clothes. It looked a mess. Just like you.

Tonight I drank too much. I went out with friends again, and I looked for you everywhere. I wonder what you're doing with your time. I wonder if you're smiling at OM the way you used to smile at me.

I'm lost without you. I miss your daughters. I remember our last embrace, how you told me that you missed me, and went right on fucking OM.

I am getting better and I know that one day I won't miss you at all. I hope that you are in as much pain as I am. But I don't think you are.

So many times today I wanted to talk to you, to hear your voice, to hear you say that you want to come back. That, of course, creates its own set of problems. How would I trust you? How would you prove that your love for me is true?

After all I've done for you, this is how you repay me? I would do almost anything to hear you say you want me.

This morning I made a list of all the things I don't miss about you. I went and watched football and missed you terribly. Sometimes I wonder if you came over if I would find anything you had to say interesting. I'm not going to find out.

I know when I hear that you signed the divorce papers, I won't feel any joy. And I can't help but feel that if I move on from this marriage and into another relationship, it'll feel like a betrayal to our marriage. How rich is that? You leave me for OM, and I'm worried about betraying our marriage.

I've been thinking back on so much that went wrong with us, and maybe we were damaged from the start. Too different. Too something. I don't know. All I know is that I want this pain over with.

I cannot bear the thought of seeing you. It hurts me and I wish that it didn't. I want to be indifferent to you.

Did you leave me because I'm not as fit as you? Because I'm too old?

I can't keep doing this. I dream of you wanting to come back to me and having the conviction to tell you "No." That will be a great day for me.

Right now, I hope you're miserable but I hope your daughters aren't. I love them and miss them.