SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Holy shit, you're a fuckhead. Because you just *have* to run your mouth and sound like you have something to talk about, you (unknowingly) threw our son's friend under the bus, and consequently, our son. Thank GOD it's just about some money, so it was relatively simple to fix. Yes, the boys are all legal adults, and it shouldn't have even mattered or been his parents' business, but the other boy's relationship with his own parents was at risk, so they had to smooth things over.

Our son is nearly 21, and you already complain about how little he talks to you. Because of this, I got to hear him talk about how he knows better than to talk to you about stuff, but he foolishly did it again because he's proud of his friends, and how he's probably just not going to bother with anything more than holidays with you after he finishes using you for your car for his license. What a sad state of affairs for my boy.

The only reason I'm venting here instead of giving you an earful is at the request of our son, who doesn't want it getting back to other boy's parents and possibly make things worse. But holy shit is the temptation strong. My god, you are such a fucking asshole, self-absorbed dickhead, I can't believe I tolerated you for as long as I did.

bump

what if he's right? what if SI people are wrong? what if I did fuck up so bad in the marriage? God, I keep replaying in my head what I did to contribute to the end of our marriage. The last several years were so fucked up.

more than several 9-10 years? holy crap we went through some shit.

maybe i did become what he said - more depressed, no fun, kept him from having fun, too stresed out all the time.

kids moaning now - have to go. can't help but wonder about my own contribution. yes, i know it doesn't justify what he did, i'm just trying to understand how he can love her and rejected me. i just dont understand it. and the question is really fucking with me right now. wtf?

i know why

my son and daughter just got back from visiting him and son said they will probably get married, said "i love you" to each other, kissed. this devastated me. my DS said he was sad about it but didn't want to talk.

now i feel like such shit. so alone. who do i talk to about this bs? i can't turn to friens or family - i'm D!! it's been over a year. YUGGGGG!!!

If I get what I am wishing for, it will be excruciatingly painful & if I don't get that, what I want won't be enjoyable at all.

This is the epitome of a double bind.

For the next one - it must be different.

No matter what it takes.

It must be.

Here are your thoughts on our marriage followed by my responses:

she was a fat lazy c*** who didn't cook, clean or do anything of the sort.

You had a beer belly that made you look 12 months pregnant and I've seen pics of you with your Whore; you have actually gained more weight. I understand why you'd want to have someone who knew how to cook and clean since your mother had 3 inches of dust on everything and her idea of a meal was pre-made salads from the A&P and the same old strips of broiled flank steak. I had to choke her food down. Obviously you only got so fat by drinking beer, not her Class A meals.

no one liked her and she kept me from friends and family. I was congratdulated many many times on my divorce and everyone was happy to see me again!

If everyone I met through you was only pretending to like me for ten years, then I see how you found lying acceptable.

I always knew your family was two-faced; my family always said it because it's easy to smell shit when it's right in front of you. I never kept you from anyone: you worked in the same town where you're from and could easily have visited anyone you wanted any day of the week. All I asked was that you set boundaries between your family and friends and us. I asked that you not allow your mother to think she could control our decisions. I asked you not allow your sister to convince you that you had to be the father-figure for your nephew. I asked that when it had been a long while since we had a romantic getaway where we could talk and bond that you not accept invitations to a party from friends where all that would happen is everyone get drunk. There were many of those get togethers. I was there with you. You didn't miss out on anything.

Also, it's spelled C-O-N-G-R-A-T-U-L-A-T-E-D, you fucking moron...

I pray for the new “unlucky” guy who inherits this gem of a woman oh and her family LOL !!! good luck

Your mother is well-known by many of my coworkers from when she worked in district. No one has nice things to say about her. Their words are that she was "controlling," "had to have it her way" and they will never forget her attitude. If she didn't like me or my family it's because we put her in her place. After all the trouble she caused and permitted your sister to make during our wedding planning, and the sleepless nights she gave me during what should have been the HAPPIEST time of my life. Any other girl would have called off the wedding because of your mother alone and I should have. I guarantee that you will never be successful in any relationships for as long as you're still tied at the hip.

I wish I would've kept that letter her sister-in-law wrote about her. And I wish my mother had recorded your other aunt talking shit at the wedding reception about how fucking insane it was that your family literally erected a baby's playpen next to their table. Fucking white trash.

Obviously, you're calling the wrong woman a c*** because your mother and sister are better at that role than I.

No one pushes me or my people around. We didn't play by her rules.. I have since met my friends' mother-in-laws and realized that there was something very wrong with mine.

Now, your sister is so sad that I shouldn't even bother to say anything about her; a single mom who has never had to survive without her mother's assistance, her baby daddy in jail on gun charges, and a brother who she expected to step in as father. When she doesn't get her way she flips shit, screams, threatens, and pouts. She was always put ahead of you and you took those issues with you right into our marriage.

and as far as real life is concerned, I heard after I left someone couldn’t afford their rent and had to move back with mom my and daddy. kinda funny since u make $60,000 a yr and cant afford $1000 rent lol!

Nope. That is either a complete lie that you've made up or a complete lie that someone else told you. I have never lived a DAY with my parents. I learned how to take care of myself alone very quickly. I laughed when I heard rumors that you moved back into your old room with your mom, while your Whore was pregnant with your child.

Also, I make more than that amount at this time AND I get to see every penny since you're not there to burn it on cases of canned Bud Light, your $200-$500 gas powered remote control car "hobby", and most likely, your mistress. I tried to find where you were hiding all the money you siphoned away for her but your mommy probably put it into her OWN account. Lucky guy! Also, I still buy expensive things for myself and will continue to do so but I hope you've slowed down with your habits since you now have to raise a child with the Whore along with her 3 other kids.

I know you're mad that you checked to see if I was still living at our old place and when you heard I had moved you had to come up with a story to make yourself feel better. I imagine you were going to try to contact me for more of the stuff that belonged to "your family". I happily chucked it in the community dumpster before I left. But this reminds me of your grandmother's kitchen utensils that I sent back with one of your friends. How did spaghetti sauce taste with gramma's wooden spoon after I swished it around the toilet in my piss. Yummy.

I also hear you got into drugs.

That's the most ridiculous thing ever! I'm beginning to think you're projecting. You know what that means? When you accuse others of doing the very things that YOURE doing. And if it isn't you who is using drugs, I wouldn't be surprised if its your Whore.

I have been living a life free of you. No more fighting over things that you should have known to be true as a man: that I came first in your life, that your mother and sister had to stop controlling your life and decisions. No more arguing about doing fun things with you while it was your sole pleasure to sit on the couch and drink and drink. No more sad sex life. No more competing with your blue collar, dead end job. (It sucks you and the Whore work together. How do you EVER make ends meet? I'm sure she's hustling someone somewhere just like she did with you and all the others. I saw she was trying to make a GoFund Me page for her sick dog. So sad. Begging for money. I guess that's why you're so interested in what I'm doing with mine.)

There is no reason, nor will there EVER be, for me to use drugs. I KNOW how to live on my own. I pay all of my bills, I have a career that makes me happy, I can ALWAYS count on my family--my terrible family that also did everything to make you feel like you belonged--and I know that if I ever meet another asshole like you, I can just as easily stick my boot in his ass to kick him out the door JUST. Like. I. Did. To. You.

I was unhappy with you as well. You could never be the man that I needed. Now that you're gone, there is just nothing to be upset over. I'm high on life.

Well, I'm sure it shocked you to Google your name and find yourself and your horrible behavior plastered on a shaming site but you shouldn't do what you don't want people to hear about. Nothing I said was a lie. You suck. Good luck.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 3:02 PM, June 25th (Sunday)]

Oh holy hell, just go away. Yes, thank you for the use of your smaller car for our son to take his driving test in; he appreciated that you helped him. Yes, I can give you pointers on where to look for rentals, and don’t mind keeping an eye out for signs if I see them for you, since it’s in my interest for the kids to be happy about visiting you.

Now that pleasantries are out of the way… Yes, I had a brief message with the last OW on FB, some time after she contacted me after you two split. No, I don’t really remember what I said. Yes, I confirmed to her that you and I were done by the time you two got together, but that it was still all a secret from me. Yes, I confirmed to her that you’d cheated before. No, I don’t remember saying “the whole time” but considering that it’s been several over ten+ years, does it really matter?? No, I didn’t tell you about this convo because it wasn’t your business. And finally, if you don’t like getting busted by your OW for cheating on her (with another former OW that I’d thought was gone), then DON’T CHEAT.

If you can’t handle me telling the truth about you, then don’t do shit that you don’t want people to know about. Good god. We are divorced and I can tell whomever I want, whatever I want. Yes, I try to keep things pleasant and civil with you since DD is still not quite 16, and I still have to put up with you in some fashion for a few more years. It’s not my problem that your exOW is making your life painful because you’re still tied to other members of her family. And yes, I probably should have been more vocal about saying as much when you called me, rather than just being as noncommittal as possible to get the convo over with, but fucking hell, I was standing in the middle of a home depot at the time. You want to have a screaming match about this shit? Great, that’s just fine, but I’m not going to disrespect and humiliate myself in public.

Good luck in finding a better place to live, and I hope with everything in my being that you *don’t* get any of the rentals you’ve looked at in my neighborhood.

I'm feeling it today, have been felling it every minute for the last 8 months. It's typical of you that you only finally stop contacting me when I threaten you with charges. Your such a coward. All the years you have cheated on and abused decent men. I know you will do the same to him but it's killing me today that you just had to let me know that this is the day you would be going on a holiday abroad with him.

Had to see you driving to his house again the other day. Still can't believe it's really real. I will never understand your mindset and the cruelty. You were cheating with your ex for god knows how long when we got together, at least 2 others and now him. You didn't even say goodbye. You will never know the pain that causes. You said you 'ran away', you will always do this.

I know what I did was wrong and I know what cost me for 2 years and still costs me today. I hate the fact that you thanked me for not telling you when you dumped all yours on me after 2 months. I never sought to cause you pain, I kept it in because I knew it would cause you pain and I couldn't bear to loose you. Why did you not at least offer me the same courtesy, why did you have to be as cruel as you are with what you had done. Why drug me, why show me the pictures, why tell me about your cervix, why tell me that you don't ever use condoms with him when you made me for 6 years, why tell me your masturbating when you are messaging me the descriptions of the sex you had with him, why tell me he tired you up why, continue torment me when you had already gone. You got the life you cultivated why continue knifing me. I don't deserve what you did, I loved you so much and would have done anything for you. Just fucking why?

I wish I could hate you. I wish I felt the anger to protect myself. I wish I still didn't miss you, I wish I dint look at the phone every 5 minutes to see if you had called. I will never speak to you again.

I don't care if this a pity party, I don't care. You have hurt me in ways I didn't think a human could hurt. One day I will be ok, one day I won't hate myself anymore, one day I will be able to get through the day without the constant headache of obsessing over this reality, without the depression, without the tears, without fear of walking around this shit hole of a town you brought me to and then abandoned me in, without the dread of the weekends, without thinking about you.

I just wish you would die.

Monday our divorce will be final after 17 years together. It'll be on of saddest days of my adult life. I wonder if you'll take a moment to wonder what might have been.

Why the hell are you still talking to me about your hope that we can move past this?! Why talk about the why, how, what happened, about being honest with me when the divorce will be finalised in 50 days!? Why put me thru this pain again and again!? Good lord you're a sick fuck. Do you truly think that this will make me want you back? When you tell me you wanted to hurt me because you felt abandoned when all you ever did was play that stupid xbox! Or that you resented the kids because you had to buy them clothes instead of things you wanted? And then you still swear that you didnt want to fuck her but had to?!?! Get the fuck outta here.

Asshat, you fucked up and now are soo sorry but your words mean nothing. They just remind me on how fucked up you truly are. You are still lying to me, to yourslef, to the world. You are a sick fuck that is so desperate to not loose everything you "try" to fix it but all your doing is digging deeper and you dont even realize it.

WE ARE DIVORCING. You weighted the option and figured that the cost was worth a good time. I didnt ask for this shit sandwich but i have a choice now and ITS NOT YOU. Quit trying to win me back cause all your doing is hurting me more. Digging that knife in deeper. Maybe you hope to break me down like you have done for so many years? Maybe by breaking me ill stay because i have nothing left? Fuck that!

I am an amazing, sexy, sarcastic, ferocious, quick witted intellectual who deserve so much more then you will EVER be able to give me. Oh so you say you know how to love me now because of the way i loved you? well fuckface, that lesson was there since day one and you are now wanting to love me right because what? ap was batshit crazy? A bad lay? Or you just dont like the idea of being alone? To bad so sad, heres a tissue. No one else deserves your love but me? The love that almost killed me? The love that you so easily forgot about so you could stick it in a wet hole? Yup, that the love i want. Thats the love i deserve. Just go the hell away. This IHS is hell but when its over i will be stronger than ever before. You have not broken me!

Today, I want to text you just to say hi. Tell you what the kids gat the mall and see how your day is going. I want to tell you that I can't wait for you to get home so we can chill out. I want to give you a kiss when you walk in the door as our puppy rubs against our legs trying to join the hug.

But... You see, we went to lunch at BWW. And I remember that you and I went there for one of our rare date nights about thid same time 4 years ago. You were distracted and crabby. I was so happy we had some time together but you were so distant, it felt awkward and uncomfortable. There was a beautiful sunset on our way to dinner. You quickly snapped a picture for me, but didn't seem to enthusoastic. You also went to the bathroom three times during our weird and awkward dinner. Little did I know you were texting her while I was sitting at the table alone. We got home, made love (because it was date night).

Then you left to go "help Keith" you were gone for a few hours.

Now I know where you were and what you were doing.

I hate that night because I was so needy for your affection and felt so bad because I felt you had been working so hard lately that you were just tired and not "into" date night.

10 days later, I got the texts that told me what had been going on.

4 years later and after false R, I cannot text you like before. That is gone. It was taken from me in the worst way.

While we say we will remain friends as we D... Believe me when I say that I am doing that for the kids. I am done doing things for you.

You suck.

That's what I would like to text now.

You stole my dreams and my life. And you suck. I will find my way. I am just sad that it cannot be with the person that I thought you were.

I don't want o hear that you still love me. You never did.

You"re a pathetic excuse of a human being you piece of shit. Your 25 year old son is more of a man than you've ever been or ever will be. NO he doesn't want to meet your new whore. Why would you even ask him to????? He had to be the one to explain to you that we're still MARRIED and he didn't think what you are doing is appropriate. Appropriate - his words not mine. Thank God I worked hard to raise a boy to be a man. You repulse me and I can't wait to be legally rid of you and your drama and the goddamn lies you piece of shit. Fuck you and fuck this shit I am DONE with you

You can have all the emotions, but I need to stifle them and be nice to you. Poor little muffin is overwhelmed but can't handle anymore. Ugh!!!

I don't know what your motive was in trying to apologize to me and get me to talk to you. Or telling me you love me and care about me. And that you're not seeing anyone. You told me all those things when you left me for her without admitting anything. It doesn't matter anymore. I'll never trust anything you say and I don't want you in my life.

It's not even that you cheated and had sex with yet another person during our marriage. It's all the lying to my face and trying to make me think I was crazy when I knew things were not adding up. It's all the sneaking around and all the things you weren't doing for or with me. It's all the hurt I expressed to you that you weren't meeting my needs and withholding intimacy from me. It's not wearing your wedding band at work and parading around with another woman there. It's not taking pictures with me or acknowledging me on Facebook. All the things I deserved that you never gave me. And everything I never deserved that you did to me.

You not only disrespected me and our daughter and our family unit but my whole family. No I haven't told everyone the whole story but I have told a few.

You've broken me immeasurably and I'm trying to mend and move on.  I can't pretend things are ok with you and that we're friends. And I don't think it's fair of you to keep putting me in that spot. Not that it matters to you what’s fair to me.  None of this has been fair to me. The last 12 years has been all about you and has caused nothing but suffering for me.

I know it’s partly my fault for staying or for taking you back numerous times. I just never imagined you could be this cruel. Especially after the last time. When you saw me break apart in a million pieces and try to fit it all back together. When you made me all the promises you know I wanted to hear for a long time. I knew it was a mistake then and I should have just ended it at that time.

I’ve been learning a lot since you left.  Learning about myself and about you. I know now that you have a personality disorder and that there is no cure for it. I know that you are not capable of truly loving anyone. I know you are not able to care about anyone other than yourself. You only care about people as far as what they can give to you.  I know that I’ve been codependent and that I have not set the boundaries I should have in the past. Even when I tried to set them you broke every one.  And I know that I did too much for you and cared too much about you and not myself. I need to work on caring for myself and doing things for myself now. And our daughter.

There isn’t a scenario I can see us back together. The only fairy tale one I can even fathom (in lala land where I know it could never actually happen) is if you made a commitment to me and our daughter and did everything for us above yourself while living on your own and being faithful even while we’re not together. And went to a recovery program and truly worked on yourself and showed us that you have changed. And that would have to go on for a long time. I”m talking years. We would still get divorced and you would devote yourself to being what we need.  Even if there is only a very slight chance that that would ever be good enough. And that I would ever trust you again to be back in my life.  But I know this is impossible.  And I have no hope for it.  I have no hope for us.

I feel bad for you because I know how broken you are and I just wish you could see it and get the help you need and know that you had everything and smashed it to smithereens time and again.

I just needed to get this all out. Every time I talk to you (even with how limited I try to make it) it gets to me and sends me back into a spiral that I just don’t want to be in anymore.  So it’s better for me if we just don’t talk.

I’m meeting with the lawyer next week and I’m starting the divorce process and life is going to move on.

Well, it is final. You told me you got your finalization in the mail last week. I have nearly cut out checking on you through FB and other social media, but I did look yesterday and see you are "in a relationship". You have told me the reasons you and he can't publicly "acknowledge" it. From someone that accused me of using similar faulty mindset as a reason that made you question my commitment and love for you. A reason to doubt and mistrust me...it sounds so similar, so what is the difference?

You told me when you left a year ago, you are better alone. You need to be by yourself to rediscover the person that got lost. You don't need someone else depending on you for their happiness. So much was put on your shoulders, that it was suffocating you. Now, your new "soulmate", has told you he doesn't want you, he NEEDS you in his life. I am trying to see the difference here....I am having a problem finding it. You two have a connection that we just didn't have, you can't explain it, and I wouldn't understand regardless. He is living with his ex for the sake of being with his children. It is a secret from his ex. The reason for the secrecy. You have something that is more real from chatting, sexting, talking at work when able to , a few get-togethers, non overnight. It is all going to be so magical and problem free when he comes back to you in a year. You will avoid all the day to day shit that creeps into every other relationship. Your bond will triumph over all. I can see the difference....*eyeroll*.

When we were leading up to separation, you floated idea of an open relationship. You could get your sexual needs met, but still come home to me, cause you picked me, I was who you were coming home to. In my fragile state, I agreed, trying to grasp at any means to keep you with me. I didn't pursue anyone else, I had no interest. You obviously were interested in a "relationship", not just a fuck buddy. You spent hours and hours talking with them. Little effort was put towards us. If I were to ask you now if just a quickie for old time sake would be ok, I know there would be a line drawn in the sand..can't jeopardize the new bond you have. Can not risk upsetting the new moral center you have rediscovered.

I can tell you still see yourself as an equal victim in all of this, how much you were hurt and not living the life you had or wanted. It still boggles my mind that you can not see the damage and destruction you left in your wake. I brought my more than fair share of problems and obstacles to our marriage. None of them warranted being cheated and betrayed like you did me. I am left with the mess you created from your thoughtless actions. I own my shit, I will make myself a better, stronger person at the back end of this. It means overcoming a lot more self doubt and additional fears now, ones that I didn't have before.

I am getting better...hard to notice some days. I just really wish you really, REALLY understood what your behavior and choices did to both of us and our family.

This is just stupid.

I have so much I want you to know and understand. But it has been so long and you just don't have the capacity.

Its like spitting into the wind. My words just come back at me.

I hate that you talk about "moving on" and "being friends."

Its like I did all the hard work, you didn't do any of it (laundry and helping with dinner do not count my love). And now that I have had enough, you get the same "New Life" certificate that I do.

It just doesn't seem fair. I don't want you to suffer, I want you to be stable in your new life. But the fact that you NEVER GOT IT. You NEVER really understood.

I truly belief it is because you are stupid. Not in a cant find a job, sound like a moron kind of way.

I just think you do not have the intellectual capacity, the emotional capacity, the compassion or empathy to truly understand all of this.

You are afraid of me because you know I am right and you know that I see past your bullshit. Thats why this won't work anymore, because you know you cannot keep up. I can see through all of your bullshit.

You are not strong now. You are not a new man. You are the same man that has just learned new behaviors. But they are not intrinsic... and BELIEVE me when I say.. they are still not for the right reasons.

You have only changed your behavior because it will be beneficial to you. It is beneficial to you to ride on the coat tails of my maturity, my therapy, my research... all that i have shared with you about my journey to heal us.... you have taken all of those things and are acting like they are your own original ideas. And instead of using them to help me heal, or rebuild what I thought we had been rebuilding for 4 years... you tucked them away in your mind, and waited for me to give up.

You got bored waiting and sought out a new friendshp. And then tried to make me feel like the crazy one for thinking anything more.

You lied to me. All that week you lied. and then when you came clean... you just shrugged and said, "yeah... i knew you would never get over it. I knew 4 years ago this was over. I have been prepping for this since D day."

Yeah?!? Well FUCK YOU. How DARE you play along while I poured my soul out to you! How dare you pretend like you were working on things! How DARE you watch me THINK we are making progress and then SHRUG your shoulders after you destroy me again?!?!?!

I am SOOOOOOOOO glad that you feel so damn good about yourself now. "put the past behind me" Oh my god you sound fucking ridiculous.

No I don't want you to suffer forever. What you don't understand is that I AM NOT ANGRY ABOUT THE AFFAIR FROM 4 YEARS AGO.

I am so hurt by the fact that you lied to me for 4 years about R. That you are so wrapped up in making yourself feel good that somehow your affair has become a burden on YOU because I am struggling with it. So you have been waiting for this?

Well here you go. Get the fuck out of my house. Go be with your friends. Go travel and do all the things you never got to do before. What the hell do you mean by that anyway? I NEVER stopped you from going! You went on trips and camping and snowboarding and owned motorcycles....

What? Because of the A you were NOT doing these things for fear of making me angry? You are SO stupid. It has NEVER been about that shit.

Or was it your family that kept you from traveling and finding yourself? Well, that my dear is NOT my fault.

I still have to stay here and manage the house and the kids and the bills and all of this shit because I committed to being a god damn grown up a long time ago.

I am still a parent. I am still a homeowner. I still have to think about other people before I make my decisions. I am so happy that you feel that this D releases you from any of that responsibility. You do still have children you know.

I am rambling. You are a stupid person. I cannot say any of this to you because it is pointless. It is like talking to a very self absorbed brick wall.

You are a child.

I was stupid for marrying you. For moving across the country with you. For putting up with all of your shit before the A, and certainly for putting up with your games and lies and ego stroking after the A.

You are not a good person. You like to do things that make people think you are a good person

But you are not. You are a child with limited emotional capacity. You are a surface person and nothing more.

I cannot wait for you to move your shit out.

Yes, smiles and civility because of the kids.

But do not think for a second that I miss you or wish you were still here.

Every memory I have of you is tainted and colored with your neverending needs, your neverending complaining, your ridiculous entitled attitude. My entire life has been sacrificed to you and your fucking insecurities.

I so deserved better. In so many ways.

you have no idea how much I have done for you.

And I dont care if you realize it now.

Whatever we had before, is dead. completely.

i am sad that I was so stupid for so long. I am tired because I still have to look at your face and listen to your stupid voice.

But I do not miss you. And I will never regret this divorce. Never.

Somehow you got through my wall of no contact, again.

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Just fuck you.

Talk? There is nothing to talk about. I am done. I am building a new life without you.

Yes I still grieve. I only grieve for the imaginary you. I grieve for the impact it has on who I am now because of your lies and deceit and abuse. I grieve for who I used to be. I grieve for what you stole from me.

Now leave me alone! Go away! Just fucking go away!

Each time you contact me now, intrude into my life, it reminds me of how lucky I am to be living a life without abuse.

Just go fuck yourself.

I'm lonely tonight and missing you but at the same time, I wish you'd died in Iraq. Wouldn't that have been easier and less painful? And you could have gone out the hero you always fancied yourself to be.

I am so very very tired.

I wish that none of this ever happened.

I wish that when I come home tonight that you would be waiting for me with a kiss and a hug and we would talk about our days.

I wish that I didn't go to bed alone and wake up alone and wonder why I'm alone.

I wish that we could work together to help DS become the man that I am sure we both know that he can be.

I wish that we could go and visit DD in her home that you have never seen and perhaps never will.

I wish we could be planning our retirements together.

I wish we could just sit in the evening, you watching TV and me reading and knowing that we loved each other.

I wish that I'm not on the internet typing this into a blank box to an unseeing world.

I wish and hope that you are happy. I truly do.

I wish that I wasn't crying.

You abandoned us you threw away like we were trash.

The anniversary of our daughter who was 18 months old being diagnosed with a chronic illness is coming up. When she couldn't stand or walk you came home in a hurry you seemed very concerned, then we went to the hospital they told us that we would have to stay there for a couple of nights since she had abnormal blood results. What did you do? you went home because you were tired... I honestly thought you went home because this was too much for you to handle, and I understood and felt the stress it had on you, or I thought. Then come to find out you were on the phone with the OW for hours those past couple of nights, you told me she wanted to know what was going on? why? who is she? did she give birth to her? is she her mom? who was she? was she that important?

The next day when the doctors told us she would be put under anesthesia for 2 + hours and you were not there for me. why not? do you know how scared I was? when they told me that there was a chance she would not wake up? where were you? We brought this amazing girl together but you weren't there for me when things were falling apart. Why? How can you look at her in the face and say you love her?

After giving her a kiss on the cheek putting her under I came out of the room scared, shaking, and devastated but what did I come out too? an empty room. No one was there for me, I couldn't breathe, I prayed and asked God why? why does this have to happen to me? I am a good person or atleast I try my best to be.

We are soon to be divorced, but want you to know that I can never forgive you for that day, and that may be the reason why I will never forgive you. You abandoned us when we needed you the most.

I hate you for that.