SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

when are you going to be out of my mind?!! I find a few moments throughout the day when i intentionally focus on something else that I don't have you on my mind. but then when I'm walking to the car or shopping or cleaning up the house, it's like CNN endless coverage of YOU STILL IN MY FUCKING HEAD!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD you asshole. What the fuck are you still doing in there? Part of me can't believe all the fucking shit you pulled. I'm so fucking furious at all the lying TO MY FUCKING FACE over and over and over again. deception. brilliant devious selfish. what the fuck were you thinking? how could you do this to me. I feel like i've fallen on a sword and am bleeding out and no one can help me. I would like to go scream in the woods, just fucking open my mouth, lie on my back and start screaming and punching the earth. how the fuck could you have done this? AGAIN FUCKING AGAIN AGAGAIN AINFIAGOAIJgf'ja vajija;oijaija;ijoajjawerjaeijroajraoiejraoiejroaijroaijroajroaijroaijroaijroiejvaer

after the fucking 24 year old blondwe, and the fucking baby. oh fuck. how could you -------- i just want you to hurt to fucking feel seomthing but i know i know i will NEVER Talk with you again because mostly lies tumble out of your mouth and I gave up believeing in yuou a long long time ago.

i miss the man i thought you were. i thought you cherished me, i thought you loved me and cared about me, but now I see how fucking clearly you didn't REALLY care about me. and now you left with fucking pig face, fat one, tattooed smurf hair, uneducated trailer park trash, yuck. she probably lets' you do whatever, anal, demeaning shit. and you feel like fucking god.

how will i get over you? i'm stuck here in buttfuck no where corn fields central US, and what the fuck you are far far away hallajulah, but jesus, i'm stuck with these kids all by myself and it's too much to bear sometimes. I'mn holding it all together, but it's fucking hard and i don't think you really give a shit. you are such an asshole. i just can't get over how much of an asshorle you really are.

Psychopathic lizard: just in case you ever managed to find me here, know this.

If you ever come stalking me again, I have a geolocater with a button on it that will alert police, social services, the lot. All I do is press the button and your stupid fucking image will be down the toilet where you belong. They have your name, address, they have records of everything you have done, you disordered piece of shit. I know what you are.

Once again, just posting on SI after months away, to also alert people of the possibility of disorder. Not all infidelity is simply infidelity. It may be part of a pattern of abuse. If I had known about NPD/psychopathy earlier I would have not wasted so much time dealing with the infidelity, would never have given the bastard a second chance, would have saved myself nearly dying. If you feel bled, shredded, feel your soul has been raped, you're an empty husk, these are some of the descriptions of narcissistic abuse. Infidelity is wreckage, narcissistic abuse is a systematic tearing down of a person's soul. I wish the general public were more aware.

Hey lovely man.

Are you thinking about me?

I'm thinking about you.

Wondering

Wandering

I know,

Time

Time

Time

I had been trying to stay NC, even though we have a college age daughter that XWW wants to discuss. Finally, after I sent a snarky reply to a bunch of emails XWW had sent, she replied with a cease and desist email, saying she would take legal action if I replied to another of her emails.

What a godsend!

Dear Junkie Slut,

It amazes me how you've made yourself the victim in all this. You've told mutual friends AND OUR OWN DAUGHTER that you "only fucked him three times" and that the real fault is mine for being fragile, overly sensitive and unable to forgive.

I gave you a full year's worth of a second chance. What did you do in that year?

You stalked me on these forums, so that you could feel umbrage at how I was depicting you, as fodder for fights you would start with me.

You reacted to our daughter getting a DWI after finding out her mother's treachery by 1) denying that she found out before the accident, and 2) by completely losing your shit and screaming at her "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! YOU'RE THE REASON I WANT TO GET SHITFACED DRUNK!!! YOU'RE THE REASON I WANT TO PUT A FUCKING BULLET IN MY HEAD!!!" Then you drove off, leaving us in fear that you would kill yourself with your last words being that it would have been your daughter's fault.

In this blow up, you made it impossible for our daughter to be mad at YOU, the instigator of all this mess. If she did get mad at you, she feared you'd kill yourself, and it would be her fault. So, you forced her into the role of your caretaker. Her justifiable anger was directed at me, the parent who could handle her anger like an adult.

But you fomented her anger at me, knowing it would absolve you.

Time and time again, you put your own ego ahead of your child's well being. You did this because you have become a sanctimonious drunk, incapable of seeing anything beyond your own broken ego.

I have been freed from the damage of your broken soul, but our daughter remains a victim. She has you, the sodden, angry drunk as her role model. Yet, somehow she has managed to get into and thrive in a highly competitive university, where she can hopefully get a degree to give herself separation from you, the most destructive force in her life.

You are a shitty mother who continues to put your own infantile needs above hers. And all you can do to deal with it is pathologize me to her, hoping you can drag me down in her eyes below the pathetic depths to which you have sunk.

I have some very bad news. Our daughter healed a lot in her freshman year. She is much kinder to me now that when she was under you direct sway, so your plan has failed.

And you know what I tell her about YOU? Only occasional nice things. Why? Because that is what responsible parents do.

I have decided that I just need to let go of all the good memories I had of us together. I am still trying to figure out how two people could live together that long and have such different views of our marriage. Until DDay#1, I was happy. I tried my best to always make you happy and for you to feel loved every day. We had a nice home, nice vehicles, land, retirement, friends, and family. We rarely fought about anything and I always allowed you to have your hobbies without being jealous of the times you were away hunting, fishing, car shows, races, etc. You acted like everything was great and you always said how happy you were to have met me and how we planned to travel and spend time when we finally retired. Now it all seems like I was in a dream and all the sudden awoke to a nightmare that is still on going. It's like I can't get away from the memories.

Just the other day I was speaking to my BFF. She said that her and your former BFF (her husband) were shopping and ran into your nephew. She said he went on and on about how happy you were with the OW and that you were never happy with me the whole time we were married. She said she just stood there stunned because you had always acted like you had died and gone to heaven when you were with me. So I guess you rewrote all the years we were together and made them horrible so you could live with your sorry POS ass.

I hung up the phone and wanted to just sit and cry. I know why you did it and it hurts to know that you despised me that much. Then I decided I need to rewrite my own life and just let it all go. I can spend the rest of my life trying to understand how someone can do this to someone else. To intentionally hurt someone that has never did anything but love you and then to make me into someone I never was doesn't deserve my mind space or my tears anymore.

I hate how this keeps coming back and making me question myself. I know I missed so many clues over the years, but I trusted you and believed in you. My SO wants to move forward and I still have reservations. Because of you I question everything and wonder if I am missing any "red flags"? Am I always going to mistrust what people say? If you didn't love me, why did you marry me and waste so many years of our lives?

You just make me so angry, You never plan ahead to see our son, then you think at the last minute you can say " I was so busy I forgot to call" WTF????

You now can only see our son at his house because you drove drunk with him in the car and then lied about it.

You and your controlling girlfriend want to make me puke.

I wish you were dead.

Please stop texting me links to music videos with lyrics that you think represents your love for me. Black Keys nobody but you is a great song but if you really felt that way we wouldn't be in this position. So yeah. Stop. Thanks.

Also, quit telling me you have no money. You're paying $800 to finish your sleeve. You have money you just don't want me to try and hold you responsible for any of the bills that you're still on.

So, it's been 15 months since we agreed you'd refi to buy me out, or sell the house.

I ask the lawyer to get things rolling since you've not done a thing. You've told the kids the house has unrepaired storm damage,and that you can't refi. Then let's fix it & list this place!

The letter I get back from my lawyer is "hysterical". You've spent the last 2 years cleaning the "filth & damage I left behind". WTF? Nice try, but I don't think so. I have pics, and the kids helped me move. What are you suggesting we did?!

Then you go on to tell my lawyer; you'll "let us know when the house sells"...AND...that your lawyer quit!!!

I'm not sure which I find funnier.

I admit I enjoyed that little bit of karma for a minute.

Then the news that you're coming to our new state for a week, and even worse,to our actual home (to visit the kids) threw me for a loop. Really blows you can intrude, still.

Luckily, I'm making plans and won't have to see your nasty ass. It's been 15 months since we were last in court and I had to look at you, briefly. Never again, would be too soon. We haven't spoken directly (outside of court) since May 2015...I plan to keep it that way.

Btw- thanks for ruining yet another4th of July, you giant self-centered POS (my favorite holiday, tied with Halloween).

I hate you. I have to drive our kids to camp this week and have to pass by your slut OW's exit on the highway twice a fucking day. I have to pass by the parking lots you fucked in, pass by the neighborhood you spent your lunch hours screwing her in. And if I want to avoid those triggers I have to add half an hour to my drive each way. Thank god our kids can't see me tear up. Asshole.

I hate the fact you came back into my life. I hate the fact I was too much of a damaged asshole to ignore you FB message. It pisses me the fuck off that because of my stupidity, I am in this cesspool of pain while you walked away without a care. I am thankful you are out of my life for good, I wish I had been smart to have kept you that way in the first place.

Fuck me and fuck you!

ETA - You know what? Fuck the pain. I am not gonna let you occupy any more space in my head. I am so happy you are out of my life. I know my wife is a thousand times the woman you can ever hope to be.

Fuck me? No, FUCK YOU!

[This message edited by ff4152 at 6:05 PM, June 5th (Monday)]

You mother fucker!!! How fucking dare you!!!!

You named your son from that slut..Mateo! Mother fucker...how could you let her do that!!! How dare you take the name we choose if our child was to be a boy!!!! WTF????!!!

You have lost your goddammed mind!!! I know youll say oh it wasnt matias....its fucking close enough...they both mean Mathew!!! How fucking dare you... Name your bastard after your father?????!!!# she doesnt even fuckibg know your dad much less love him like i do!!!you little fucker!!!

And if that is not enough to break my heart you put an insulting amount in our checking account to pay for the mortgage..600.00???? Really???? Now what you think i should become homeless because of your shit!!!! Really.???? You have lost your fucking mind!!!! You should be fucking embarrassed..ashamed of what you are doing! How can you even exist knowing what you are doing and have done! God i can not wait to have you excised from my life!!!! To think i was going to let you have halve the profits from the sale of the house!!!! Ibreally think you are insane no one would treat someone like this...where is your decency???

It's really taken me this long to really see you with my blinders off. I've known for quite some time who and what you really are but it didn't really hit home until I put pen to paper. I'm starting to really develop an almost hatred for you. I was an equal part in this shit too so I have to take some of it as well. Even so I say again

FUCK YOU!

I don't feel sorry for you. I am tired of getting sucked into your bullshit, and I've had it with your pity parties and attempts to work your way back into a friendship with me.

Your girlfriend is a whore.

And yes, she is your girlfriend. "Just texting" and "just having lunch" is dating you asshole.

Your kids miss you and I HATE YOU for doing this to them. How dare you bring them into this world only to abandon ten becuase you have a nasty over active dick.

Go to hell you monster.

On my side of the bed, I once again miss the sound of your voice.

I saw a movie today and had the strongest urge to call you and talk to you. I loved our chats in the car after seeing movies together. Damn you for taking our happiness away.

But then I had a desire to get out there and see what it would be like to see a movie with someone else. I'm sure you're not the only good conversationalist with a penis.

Yay! So wish I could text a "fuck you" right now.

*sings* Fuck you! And fuck her too!

I miss you so much it burns. It kills me that you don't miss me at all. I'm falling apart without you. I love you still, even after all you did. I hope I won't always feel this way.

I wish you would have had the stones to end our relationship before you started fucking some other dude's fugly childless whore of a wife. That messed me up beyond comprehension you tiny dick piece of shit.

I don't love you.

I don't want you.

I don't want to kiss you.

I don't want to cuddle with you.

I don't like you.

I don't want to be with you.

I don't want to hurt you, or be nasty..... that's just not me.

However,

I find it hard that your arrogance misconstrues my "nice-guy-ness" for willingness to rugsweep your cruelty again.

Just fuck off

I can't put off saying this another second, or I'm gong to text you.

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

$90 at a restaurant with her last night? YOU NEVER EVER EVER EVER SPENT THAT MUCH ON DINNER WITH ME.

So fuck you, little dick fucker.

You know what? Here come all the little unkind things that flitted through my brain when we were married, but I pushed them away because I loved you:

You let yourself go. You're chubby now and you're BALD. You look fugly as a fat bald guy. I'm young and hot, and people always think you're like forty.

And you're hairy. I had to shave your back for you. And you have those nasty cyst things in your ASS CRACK that you asked me to help you with. So fucking glad that's not my problem anymore.

Your dick is small. I haven't had any comparisons, but I measured it once, and 6 inches ain't that impressive.

And your breath has always smelled bad because you don't brush your teeth enough. You never went to the dentist ONCE in NINE YEARS you nasty troll.

And omg as I'm typing this why did I just ignore all these things? You are nasty! I work out, I brush my teeth, I take care of myself. What do you do? You jerk off on your little dick to ass porn.

Fuck you.

She deserves you.