SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me&my3-

So we should have the test done on our own.

I have free legal aid consultation through my union at work. I plan on calling them ASAP.

We were going to do the test just so we knew if the OC was his. If it is, then she can go ahead with the courts.

We have been through this before but there was no question on paternity and split was amiable so the courts were so easy to deal with.

scooter3377-

I plan on getting some legal advice now I guess. I am not sure what is in our best interest.

If we wait then the courts will foot the bill which could take months. If we do it ASAP then we would know sooner. As much as I do not want to spend the money I do not want to wait either.

Kristine-

After reading me&my3's posts, I agree with her. consult legal advice first and then proceed. and maybe doing it yourself will prove to be beneficial to your case. Goo dluck. keep us all posted on how it goes and what legal advice you get. I know I am interested.

[This message edited by scooter3377 at 2:40 PM, August 14th (Monday)]

scooter3377-

Will do. I am going to talk to H about the legal info tonight.

Kristine,

One other thing I would like to add; as you know, if the oc is your husband's he will be responsible for paying child support and possibly a portion of the costs of labor and delivery if ow receives Medicaid. If you wait for the ow to take the initiative it could be months before the case is settled with child support owed acruing daily. Being hit with a large back child support/medical obligation is not fun. Most states do not allow you to pay that obligation over time. They want it all at once and many will garnish your federal and state income tax refund and your wages on top of taking the monthly obligation you now owe. So if you do decide to let the ow be the first one to make the move start putting aside money NOW to cover a potential obligation should dna confirm and if the dna comes back negative take that money and go on a well deserved vacation. By the way, you can get a rough estimate of what your husband would have to pay by Googling the name of your state along with the words 'child support calculator'

Me

me&my3..... this what i never get if paternity was not established until they took their sweet time to do it then why do you still have to pay back child support? i thought back child support is when paternity is established and he takes his sweet time to pay there after.this is so unfair so what do they do garnish his paycheck.i guess we better start paying bills buy allotment from his paycheck.he's in the military so we can do that. i swear if this bitch screws me over once again by bibing her time i will make sure they go for both their rank and hopefully get them both kicked out.if i'm going out i'm going out on top

Me&my3-

That for the tip. I will take a look.

Kristine,

I see that you are questioning back support. Time lapsed does not matter-I am in NY too. Me&my3 is right about that. Your H could also be responsible for pre-natal expenses, if there are any. It sucks, but it is what it is. I agree that your H should be pro-active on this, but to get the advice of an attny before you proceed. In reality, the burden of proof is on the mother, as she gets no CS unless paternity can be proved. In our case, we hired the attny first and told OW all communication had to go through him, mostly because it was before child was born when the accusations and difficulty with demands began.

NYS has a pretty good website with info on Child Support. I will try to find it and post the address.

twokidsmomny-

We have gone through CS before for his son. He was on the BC when he was born but did not establish paternity until he was 18 months old in the courts. We never paid back support. This was 7 years ago. There was no question as to if he was the father or not.

I am waiting for the okay from H to call the attorney for some advice.

Kristine,

We too are in NY. We are just starting the process (first court appearance and DNA testing results to come) so I take Twokidsmomny's advice since she's much further along. NYS requires the mother to sue for paternity. If the "father" does not admit it, then a DNA test is order. My H just went and was tested in Brooklyn. Cost was $43 but we had to prepay for OW and OC too so total was $129. Not as bad as I thought it would be but it frosted my a$$ to pay for her to be tested.

Anyway, we have a barracuda lawyer so if you need a referral, PM me. Caution...not cheap though.

Best,

BW

I wish we had it so easy. We have to go through Maryland (where the A took place). We've been told that there is nothing we can do until the baby is born and she files for CS. Once that happens THEN we get involved. Actually, then HE gets involved because all the lawyers have said that I have no say or involvement in this matter (seems someone doesn't realize what it means to get married huh?).

We've also been told that we can't start the paternity proceedings ourselves. That she must be the one to file for CS, we can say we deny paternity, THEN she can sue for proof and we can then get it all set straight.

Just plain sucks!

Oh, and forgot to add: We've been told that CS would be due only from time of filing. So, if she files the day that baby is born, regardless as to when paternity is proven, we would need to pay from the time she filed for CS.

iknow--

That may be the same for NY too. I am not sure but am going to check into the back support. I do know that in negotation with OW they did agree to back-support only to the filing date.

k--

I'll let you know what I find out.

Hugs to you all.

BetrayedWife-

So is your H questioning paternity? A friend of mine had to go through the courts for day care support and had to name the father. Since he deinied paternity, he had to foot the bill when he was proven to be the father.

What made you wait for the courts to do the testing? Did you initially want to do the paternity on your own and the lawyer advised against it?

K-

Go to www.newyorkchildsupport.com. There is quite a bit of information there to get you started and perhaps answer some of your questions.

Important to remember when reading this stuff from the state is that they market it to look appealing, but their goal is to lower the welfare ranks and put more burden on the parents, whoever they can get, to foot the bill. I found it best to read it all with a grain of salt.

Depending on where you live and a CS case is filed, court must look at first family expenses prior to CS given for a non-custodial child. That refers back to case law. It does not apply in NYC yet, however, there may be a more recent case that I am not yet aware of.

Ladies,

In my sucky state, family expenses are not even looked at. Had I not legally separated from my h the credit he would have rec'd for each of our children per month was the equivalent of 1/4 what the oc would receive. It's pretty pathetic that the state thought the oc was worth 4 times what our kids were worth. Like our kids cost less to take care of than the oc. WTF??? The legal system doesn't give a rats ass about the core family. As Twokids put it, they only care about lowering their welfare ranks.

Me

Thanks so much to all of you for getting me to call a lawyer. I spoke to a wonderful woman recommended to me by a coworker.

In a nutshell, we are not to pursue the paternity. She should. She may not ever. We are to wait it out.

Worse case scenario, 17% of his gross adjusted income plus a percentage of the daycare and medical costs.

She suggested waiting until she files a paternity case. If she does we are to call her and she is going to work with us.

She also told me to not to dwell on it because trash is not worth the time! I like this woman!

Thanks so much!

'Oh, and forgot to add: We've been told that CS would be due only from time of filing. So, if she files the day that baby is born, regardless as to when paternity is proven, we would need to pay from the time she filed for CS."

I was just about to say this same thing. The GOOD Lawyer would be able to press the CS from the time of filing or the time that your H was served. I am not sure if that is the case in all states.

for the past two weeks i thought we were doing pretty well when it came to the OC. we had him overnight on fri and it seemed like things were somewhat coming along. the OC will be 1 this weekend and since the last time i saw him i did feel a sense of peace and calmness about the whole situation. i'd like to think that we are "lucky" (using the term loosely of course) so far b/c the ONS OW has not asked for much and has not wanted for much. of course we pay child support and WS has agreed to pick him up one night a week. (i am out of town often on business). in the past, in previous fights he had always said that the most it would get to would be 1 nite a week. this week will be the 4th wk in a row that he keeps the OC overnight and so i commented and said..."so i guess it is officially understood now that you will keep the OC one night a week." and WS feels the need to call me out on my asshole-ish tone of voice and starts ripping at me about how he has to do the bare minimum and that is all he is doing...and that one night a week is the most that we will do...(of course he always adds "...for now") don't you love how he gives himself wiggle room for later?

dammit! you know what the crazy thing is?! i wasn't fighting about the child perse. i wasn't telling him "no, one night a week is too much" i was simply wanting to know that...yes we/he have officially moved to keeping the OC one night a week. was that so damn much to ask for?! dammit i'm so pissed right now b/c now, he hung up on me and turned off the phone and told me that i was being and asshole and he's going to call me out on it..and that he is standing his ground. oh then he wants me to understand that this isn't easy for him either b/c he has to pay child support, be a one night a week father, and have to dealing w/ a fucken bitch of a BS.

crazy huh...i know the damn child is innocent. but what about me?! dammit what the hell did i do to deserve this? so if i wanna be an ass every now and then then big deal, thus far i have chosen to stand by his side and accept this OC in my life and he can't deal w/ me being an ass sometimes? right, so i'm the bad guy now. now i have to go crawling back and make an apology right?! when all i wanted to know was if its official. b/c if it is then at least i can slowly prepare my heart and mind for the continuing transition and the continuing reality that this has happened...dammit! i hate this!! i'm so frustrated all i can do is cry! i wish i was a stronger person...i deserve better than this.

for the past two weeks i thought we were doing pretty well when it came to the OC. we had him overnight on fri and it seemed like things were somewhat coming along. the OC will be 1 this weekend and since the last time i saw him i did feel a sense of peace and calmness about the whole situation. i'd like to think that we are "lucky" (using the term loosely of course) so far b/c the ONS OW has not asked for much and has not wanted for much. of course we pay child support and WS has agreed to pick him up one night a week. (i am out of town often on business). in the past, in previous fights he had always said that the most it would get to would be 1 nite a week. this week will be the 4th wk in a row that he keeps the OC overnight and so i commented and said..."so i guess it is officially understood now that you will keep the OC one night a week." and WS feels the need to call me out on my asshole-ish tone of voice and starts ripping at me about how he has to do the bare minimum and that is all he is doing...and that one night a week is the most that we will do...(of course he always adds "...for now") don't you love how he gives himself wiggle room for later?

dammit! you know what the crazy thing is?! i wasn't fighting about the child perse. i wasn't telling him "no, one night a week is too much" i was simply wanting to know that...yes we/he have officially moved to keeping the OC one night a week. was that so damn much to ask for?! dammit i'm so pissed right now b/c now, he hung up on me and turned off the phone and told me that i was being and asshole and he's going to call me out on it..and that he is standing his ground. oh then he wants me to understand that this isn't easy for him either b/c he has to pay child support, be a one night a week father, and have to dealing w/ a fucken bitch of a BS.

crazy huh...i know the damn child is innocent. but what about me?! dammit what the hell did i do to deserve this? so if i wanna be an ass every now and then then big deal, thus far i have chosen to stand by his side and accept this OC in my life and he can't deal w/ me being an ass sometimes? right, so i'm the bad guy now. now i have to go crawling back and make an apology right?! when all i wanted to know was if its official. b/c if it is then at least i can slowly prepare my heart and mind for the continuing transition and the continuing reality that this has happened...dammit! i hate this!! i'm so frustrated all i can do is cry! i wish i was a stronger person...i deserve better than this.