SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That thing about calling them, crying, yelling, cussing them out, begging, pleading...and doing it because they need to see/feel the consequences of their behavior...well, the best scenario following that kind of behavior is that they will feel less inclined to want to accept responsibility. The worst scenario, which happens all of the time, is that they will actually use your very understandable hysteria against you. Your understandable reactions of hurt, anger, pain, and heartbreak will be re-framed by your WS as craziness. They will hold it up and say, "See, my BS is crazy, and this is the proof." And the world is full of people who need to believe it.

So, don't do it. It NEVER, EVER, helps. I'm telling you, IT. NEVER. HELPS.

Just 180 180 180. Even the folks who your BS can usually manipulate with lies will notice your cool, collected calmness and they will know, they will feel, that you were screwed over and that your WS is guilty.

180.

[This message edited by hurtinky at 10:17 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]

I wish I had listened to my parents and never married the piece of shit. Okay Mom & Dad this one is for you. YOU WERE RIGHT!!!!

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Brilliant!

I have already seen evidence of many of the outcomes you described.

Starting my time frame back a few weeks...

Bump for the Newbies

I wish I hadn't been so willing to believe that he was telling the truth after Dday.

I wish I had realised that most WS lie and lie again.

I wish I had known about trickle truth.

I wish I had found SI sooner.

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newbie bump

Need to keep this on the 1st page!

Hi, newbies. This is a great bunch of advice.

I made every mistake in the book when I found out. I begged. I contacted the OM and tried to convince him to leave my ex alone. I tried to get her parents to help. I failed miserably every time I even tried to execute the 180.

In hindsight, I wouldn't change a thing.

Yes, I might have had an effect on the affair. I might have preserved a little dignity here and there.

But I can also say that I honestly did everything I could to let her know I wanted to save the marriage. And I did everything I could to make myself a better partner. The fact that this meant nothing to her meant there was no marriage in her mind to save. Which makes her the one to blame for the divorce.

Oh, I share blame for where the marriage was. I wasn't a perfect husband. But I did love her, and I did my absolute best to save the marriage, whole-heartedly.

What I gained from that is peace of mind today.

And I don't care that she retains anger today because I outed her affair to her parents, and I called her a slut one time in the mediator's office, and I read a diary of hers and searched her computer for information.

It means more to me that my son still looks up to me. And even her lawyer viewed me as the reasonable one during negotiations. And I found that I can trust again and accept the love of a lovely woman.

Sure, sometimes I look back and wish I did something right before the first affair started. I probably could have made a difference then. But once that affair barn door opened, and I was in the place we're all so familiar with in JFO, hindsight doesn't mean a darned thing.

If you can work together to repair the damage, that's terrific and I'm rooting for you. But as long as you're genuinely trying to work things out and taking marriage seriously, you don't need hindsight. Because the one who had the affair is the one who will have the doubts down the road. And that's not your problem once the judge signs the papers.

I made every mistake in the book when I found out. I begged. I contacted the OM and tried to convince him to leave my ex alone. I tried to get her parents to help. I failed miserably every time I even tried to execute the 180.

In hindsight, I wouldn't change a thing.

Yes, I might have had an effect on the affair. I might have preserved a little dignity here and there.

But I can also say that I honestly did everything I could to let her know I wanted to save the marriage. And I did everything I could to make myself a better partner. The fact that this meant nothing to her meant there was no marriage in her mind to save. Which makes her the one to blame for the divorce.

Oh, I share blame for where the marriage was. I wasn't a perfect husband. But I did love her, and I did my absolute best to save the marriage, whole-heartedly.

What I gained from that is peace of mind today.

And I don't care that she retains anger today because I outed her affair to her parents, and I called her a slut one time in the mediator's office, and I read a diary of hers and searched her computer for information.

It means more to me that my son still looks up to me. And even her lawyer viewed me as the reasonable one during negotiations. And I found that I can trust again and accept the love of a lovely woman.

Sure, sometimes I look back and wish I did something right before the first affair started. I probably could have made a difference then. But once that affair barn door opened, and I was in the place we're all so familiar with in JFO, hindsight doesn't mean a darned thing.

If you can work together to repair the damage, that's terrific and I'm rooting for you. But as long as you're genuinely trying to work things out and taking marriage seriously, you don't need hindsight. Because the one who had the affair is the one who will have the doubts down the road. And that's not your problem

Round of applause!!!

I agree with the OP that you need to avoid rose-coloured glasses in this situ, be very realistic and above all don't leave things too long in the hope that your WS will come to his/her senses. If they don't in a short time, then they probably aren't going to, or at least not before it's too late. For your own health and sanity, don't let it drag out.

But IMV you can never regret doing everything you feel necessary to save the M. That's for your own health and sanity too. Do everything you need, then when it's not enough, walk briskly away. You'll know when there's no alternative.

[This message edited by Blindbat at 4:35 AM, November 10th (Wednesday)]

That thing about calling them, crying, yelling, cussing them out, begging, pleading...and doing it because they need to see/feel the consequences of their behavior...well, the best scenario following that kind of behavior is that they will feel less inclined to want to accept responsibility. The worst scenario, which happens all of the time, is that they will actually use your very understandable hysteria against you.

I have to say that my experience was the opposite. My shocked and hysterical behavior actually is what caused my FWH to stay. He later told me he was prepared for some crying and pleading when he announced he was leaving, but was surprised when he saw how badly I wanted to keep the M intact. He rethought his actions, and decided to stay and try to R. His exact words to me were "I really underestimated you." He thought that since we had been drifting apart and hadn't been intimate in quite a while, I wouldn't really care that much if he left the M. (of course, what he didn't realize at the time, was that I was so hurt and confused by his actions during the A, of which I was totally in the dark about, that I withdrew from him.)

That horrific D-Day was July 9, 2010, when he announced he was leaving and I learned of the OW. My FWH ended the A on July 11th, there has been NC since and he has never looked back. We are in MC and both in IC and so far (knock wood) our R is progressing well. My FWH has told me he is grateful that I cared enough to plead & beg - preventing him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

Just my humble opinion - I think it often depends on the person. I think if the WS is conflicted about their actions (as my FWH was) it could turn things the other way.

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Bumping for newbies.

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BUMP

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