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shockedandstuned ( member #27153) posted at 12:33 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2011
Great post, about 1 year too late for me. I think your advice is spot on from someone who has been there and done that. Good luck to the newbies they are going to need it.
There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.So I moved out and moved on and I am happier for it.
BS (me) 47
WW 40
1 son 11
D Day 23 Dec 09
Admitted to Affair 17 Jan 10
April 08 told her I want a Divorce
June 2010 Moved
Ongelikkig ( member #29905) posted at 2:49 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2011
Wish I had found SI and the 180 sooner. SI has been my shoulder to lean on!
BS - 49 [me]
WH - 51
Married ; 29 yrs
Divorced 2013
**********************
Emotionally battered and bruised, will I ever recover?
Time might heal all the wounds but the scars will always remain.
takilasunrise ( member #29786) posted at 2:59 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2011
A remorseful WS isn't going to "leave you" just because they caught you snooping at the caller id on the cell phone. But a lying, still-cheating WS surely will bluster and get all up in arms.
Yep, I've been through that several times already.....a couple of times he "raged" and innocent furniture, walls, doorframes and the staircase got beat up for it. 
It's hard to let go, but I think I'm starting to finally see the light........
BW - Me, 49 years old
WH - Him, 51 years old)
D-Day July 2010 (several D-days to follow)
Divorced February 7, 2012
Denial isn't the way to forgiveness. The Karma for screwing over a good girl is the Bitch you end up with.
Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 11:08 PM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2011
"Because I deserve better"
momma3times ( member #30092) posted at 9:09 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2011
Me: BS (37 yrs.)
Him: FWS (39 yrs.) EA via emails and phone calls that lasted 2-3 months.
Married 13 yrs, together for 19 yrs.
2 DDs (ages 9 and 5), 1 DS (3)
DDay 1/13/2010 (while I was 9 months pregnant!). Confronted him on 3/21/11
diditagn ( member #3433) posted at 5:06 AM on Thursday, January 6th, 2011
Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 1:58 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2011
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
knockedsideways ( member #29859) posted at 11:45 PM on Saturday, January 8th, 2011
Me: BW (46)
Him : (F)WH (46)
D-Day 8th June 2010
23years of M (25 together)
2 teenagers
Feeling Consumed ( member #30592) posted at 11:58 PM on Saturday, January 8th, 2011
I threw my EA WH out on d-day. There was no way in hell I was going to live with him under the same roof. I will also be filing for D soon. I have had no contact except for very brief emails re: bills, etc.
Problem is everything I read makes me feel like I did a knee-jerk reaction by kicking him out and getting a lawyer. Did I over-react? According to your post I guess I did what you said you wished you had done, but why do I feel that all these things I read might be right and I shouldn't have reacted so hastily?
M 23 years, together 27
D-day 12/19/10
Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11
"Obladi oblada life goes on...."
hard_yards ( member #23549) posted at 9:19 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2011
Bump 
I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...
alluringillusion ( member #4029) posted at 5:31 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2011
Bump 
"I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
Tal ( member #3300) posted at 5:29 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2011
Hmmmm...what would I have done differently?
"Don't reveal your sources...ever!" Good advice here. In fact, when it comes to sources, go big. Spend a little money to get everything you need to know from the WS's phone & computer use. Get irrefutable proof. Don't initiate D-Day until you have the information you need!!! Many people here could avoid the agony of gaslighting or trickle truth if they do this. Don't spend years later wondering if you have gotten the whole truth or wondering how to find out who the OP is or where they live or how to find their BS. If your gut tells you something is wrong, become your own PI! It will hurt like hell to see the evidence, but a secondary benefit is that you won't be able to live in denial.
I suggest that everyone add STD testing as one of their minimal standards.
There are two things I wish I would have done differently. I saw guilt & shame and thought that meant remorse. They aren't the same thing. guilt and shame are all about them, their feelings, their bruised egos, their embarrassment over the infidelity being exposed. Real remorse requires empathy.
The second thing I wish I had done differently was allow MC to frame WSs infidelity as both a mid-life crisis and a problems in the marraige. My gut told me that this behavior was part of a life-long pattern with my WS and that it involved a sex addiction. I was right, which led to D-Day #2 years later.
KarenDC ( member #11715) posted at 12:16 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2011
bump for the newcomers...you are not alone!
Me-BS; Him-FWS; Both late 50s
Together 42/Married 36yrs
D-Day 1/3/2005 total shock by me
D-Day #2 4/25/2017 numb
Divorcing
"What you feel only matters to you, what matters is what you do to those you claim to love"
alluringillusion ( member #4029) posted at 3:05 PM on Sunday, January 16th, 2011
"I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
andyd1950 ( member #20018) posted at 5:29 PM on Sunday, January 16th, 2011
BS (me) - 61
fWW (her)- 57
Married 39 years March 17,2012
Forgiving, that's easy.
Trusting again, that's hard.
Forgetting, impossible!
"When you take things for granted, the things you are granted get taken away."~ RevRun.
Pippy ( member #16482) posted at 6:32 PM on Sunday, January 16th, 2011
I wish I believed everyone when they said he slept with her before D-Day. I didn't want to believe anyone - denial. He assured me he waited until after he blind-sided me. All lies.
I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
Hit_By_A_Hammer ( member #30849) posted at 12:12 AM on Wednesday, January 19th, 2011
A great post, thanks very much Katherine.
BS (me) 33, WH 33,1 son aged 5
OW 1 - sex twice, autumn 2000
OW 2 - not quite sex, Nov 2000
OW 3 - sex 4 times, c. 2003
OW 4 - sex on holiday, 2006, again, 2007
OW 5 - brief sexual relationship, 2008
OW 6 - sex once, c.2008
OW 7 - sex x 2, 2009/10
nooneeverthought ( member #20157) posted at 5:02 PM on Wednesday, January 19th, 2011
it doesn't matter where you go in life ,it's who you have the beside you
Balancing Act ( member #19047) posted at 12:20 AM on Sunday, January 23rd, 2011
Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance
Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy
still confounded ( member #7826) posted at 3:31 AM on Wednesday, January 26th, 2011
Bump.
And a reminder: Do not believe what the WS says; only trust what the WS does. Go by that -- all the rest is self-serving, maudlin, chickensh-t baloney of one sort or another. In my experience, at least.
My WS said to both me and his (adult) children, "My family is the most important thing in the world to me! I'd take a bullet for any of you!"
But he would not give up the OW.
So, like I said about words: blah, blah, blah, blah blah.
"Sometimes, the rest of your life starts with goodbye."
D-day April 2005
(Married 33 years, together 35)
Divorced Dec. '05
Life is good, but it took a long time to heal.
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