SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Saveus: Why does the counselling have to be so confidential that your GP shouldn't know, yet she's going to enquire at work about it? That doesn't make sense!

She's 'going to deal with the other stuff'? What stuff is that? And when?

She's stalling. You know that. Everyone tells you that but you still can't quite get your head around instructing a solicitor to do anything concrete. You know that a private solicitor would enable papers to be filled in far more efficiently that the CAB. All that you have to do is to give the go ahead.

You still quibble when someone points out the minutiae. It's irrelevant whether the contact with OM was via text, email or homing pigeon. She refuses NC and you still enable this.

What's your 'real' and 'final' boundary?

@sohowamI: My final boundary has just been passed. I AM filing but needed a few things answered first. Yes, money is a factor but if it was going to stop me, I wouldn't have chosen the best, probably most expensive, one of the three. The one I have past experience of. I'm not using the CAB as I don't WANT to wait seven days (didn't I say that?).

I don't see much quibbling (but don't want to sound too defensive)! Often I answer someone's question then I'm accused of focusing on the minutiae

My WW was referring to her GP, not mine. I don't entirely get her reasoning, nor am I justifying it. She works in health care so presumably may have a lead at work re counselling.

By 'other stuff' I took her to mean all those requirements/boundaries no-one seems to think I've laid out - albeit unsuccessfully with no consequences...

Sorry if I sound a bit defensive, I don't mean to but I think I deserve a bit of a break... I'm only nine weeks in!! And this morning something clicked in me. Wait & see.

[This message edited by saveus at 12:46 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]

Often, the most expensive lawyer will wind up saving everyone the most money in the long run. They're expensive because they're good. And they're good because they actually have your best interest in mind.

Still, no hurry. I worry more about you protecting yourself and your son from whatever plans they have in mind than I worry about how much limbo you can handle. You can decide anything you want for the latter, but you have a responsibility for the former.

I hear you Red Sox Nation, I really do.

Re the solicitor, I was very impressed with her on our first meeting. She was cool, calm and collected and reassured me on all my main concerns. She seemed to have a suggestion as soon as I brought up something new.

Of course the more days that pass, the higher the risk I run that my WW and the OM are planning something. I am NOT going to get complacent but I don't think they are - I actually don't believe my WW wants a life with him. I believe her bubble has burst but that she thinks she can maintain some kind of relationship with him. No doubt he still expects more.

The fact is though, there should be NO CONTACT. NONE!!! As far as I'm concerned, the A never stopped. Just trust me that confronting my WW with her latest lies will have the same result as usual. Leaving a printout in the kitchen with the D papers will show her - for the first time - that I am no longer messing around.

Have you answered her text yet?

God, with all the avoiding of questioning a she's done to you, I'd be so tempted to just pretend you'd never recieved it. She how she likes it.

Keep on with the 180, look after you and DS.

FYI. She's worried about IC and her job? Sorry. Just an excuse. Go to a non NHS IC, no link back whatsoever. She knows that.

Hi CSITD,

I think you (and others) may have misunderstood what my WW meant. I know she thinks everything will be blamed back on her (it's all about apportioning blame, in her view) and that it will all be reported back to her GP. For whatever reason, she has a problem with that (I will try to find out).

As for her job, she was actually saying she might be able to find a counsellor through her work, not that she is scared going to IC will have an impact on her job.

I think, anyway...

You've come a long way since your first post. I believe everyone gets to a place where something within them "clicks" and they find peace & strength with what they decide. I'm happy to see you've reached that place and you're now making progress that will allow you to heal.

Don't feel bad for those days that you're down, which will still happen. SI is here to support you and will continue to help you along your path.

Thank you, BeingNaive.

I actually don't believe my WW wants a life with him.

Really, she has a funny way of showing it. With the constant emailing and texting with him.

Looks she already has a life with him.

BTW - You already sound better in the tone of your posts, don't let her knock the wind out you now.

Saveus,

You are under monumental stress and fear and confusion. I know how terrible a predicament you are in.

I agree with the others--and as you indicate you know it as well--that your wife is stalling. Like a child. She is trying desperately to hold onto both worlds. I am confident she will continue her affair for as long as you permit it.

But what she does not yet realize is that you are strong. She has underestimated your strength and overestimated your love.

You are taking too long--though not nearly as long as I did, mind you, for which I admire you--but you will reach your limit. Then you will act.

Saveus: Watch out when you do, please. She will not go gently into that dark night. Protect yourself and your son. The woman you knew is gone.

Saveus, how are you doing mate?

Saveus, how are you doing mate?

Cheers Hurthalo (and others), I appreciate your concern.

To be honest, I've had a pretty dreadful 24 hours. On Friday my WW did a disappearing act from around 2.30pm until 10.20pm when she arrived home, drunk again. No explanation why her phone was out of range for hours or why the only text I had from her (at around 6.30pm) read

I'm having time alone with my friend. Be back later x x

Not that I confronted her when she turned up. I went upstairs, got in the bath I'd run an hour earlier then went to bed. I consciously avoided any repeat of the night it all kicked off.

I'll admit I was weak Friday afternoon/early evening. I had that sick in the pit of my stomach feeling back, probably due to a few days of keeping in the fact that I knew she'd been lying about not contacting the OM. I called and text her numerous times.

Glad to say though that I managed to pick our boy up from school and take him to the pub he loves (great outside kids area) and bumped into friends I haven't seen for ages. We ended up having a very good evening and I let DS have a bit of a late one, so I only had an hour to sit on my own at home before WW staggered in.

I spent that hour talking to my Mum then, for quite a bit longer, my MIL. Both were very supportive, making me know I wasn't going mad nor being 'controlling' etc. My MIL especially was fantastic. Let's just say both my in-laws are beside themselves at their daughter's behaviour. That's not to say they've disowned her - though it sounds like her dad is ready to. My MIL is trying to be the bridge between them (or rather is keeping them apart), trying to mediate (without interfering) and to speak some sense into my WW (even though she knows as well as I do that there's no way of getting through to her). Her opinion is my WW suffered from undiagnosed post natal depression and the fact this was never dealt with is what started off the process of my WW's descent into the 'black hole'. It doesn't excuse or explain everything but I believe there's something in that.

So, anyway, Saturday morning rolls around, my WW gets up shortly after 7 (unheard of), comes downstairs and starts to prod for a 'conversation' about the day before. I fell for it. I could help myself but let my anger bubble up. I couldn't help but confront her with her most recent lies. No admissions were forthcoming, just denials and plenty of gaslighting.

Suffice to say all day yesterday (or the few hours we were together) she was vile. That said, I was far from my best, shouting, swearing at her (and I'm not one for swearing though I've found myself swearing at her over the last couple of months in an effort to shock her I guess), and following her around the house. I know. She threatened to come to bowling club. To knock that idea on the head, I invited my parents along. WW stayed home.

I spent the whole time at bowling club (whilst making sure my DS knew I was watching him as much as possible) talking to the lady who runs the club (she wasn't at all nosey - I told her I'd appreciate a chat) and the OM's ex. Right in front of him, quite deliberately. Very interesting/concerning. She described him as a 'sociopath', telling me he's done exactly this to at least five women. Probably every relationship he's ever had. She confirmed he's been married three times. At least one of these women also had a 5/6 year old child at the time. There was no implication he is unsafe around children but that these are the women he targets, and that after a short period of doing everything for the woman/her child, he quickly controls them and loses all interest in caring for someone else's child. Her advice to me - the very, very first thing she said to me - was to keep my boy as close as possible. She said the ONLY way he would back off would be with exactly what you guys advocate on here - a clear NC phone call on speakerphone with me present, changing numbers/email, threatening the police if he attempts contact. She told me that, as an American, he has the right to remain in the UK but (I'm assuming - I should have clarified this) he does not have British citizenship. Therefore, she said, he cannot get into trouble with the police... She told me he would throw money at my WW (I suspect he already is), buy them a new house etc, then the controlling would begin. He earns £90,000 a year yet pays the bare minimum in child support. I made the point that my WW is also very controlling and believes (or claims to believe) that she needs no man/she's a modern, independent woman. Sounds like he will try to beat (not literally) that out of her. My God, I have no idea how that would work. I'm sure stronger women than my WW have been beaten into submission by a POS like this one, but I can't see her going quietly... And right in the middle of all this would be my precious DS.

My WW did another disappearing act all afternoon. After a row on the phone after bowling club I let it go and went my own way (with DS), meeting my parents in another kid-friendly pub in the country. He had a great afternoon. Mum & Dad brought a mini golf set and a football, so Grandad, Daddy and DS played together and had a bite to eat.

I got home 40 minutes later than my WW (I'd told her to be home by 5 as DS had a pool party to go to). She had the gall to be unimpressed, demanding to know why she'd had to wait around for us

We ended up in another (under our breaths) row upstairs, with DS playing in the living room (TV on, so he wouldn't have heard us). She was as vile as before, treating me like a POS. It hurt, it really hurt. But it made me angry too, because I KNOW I don't deserve it, least of all from the woman I (still) love. I told her (God knows why) I'd told someone at bowling club about her & the OM neglecting the kids while they went into a disabled toilet to do whatever with each other (which is true, I did). She replied with, 'yeah, I gave him a blow job in the toilet!!'. I lost it. I threw my mug of tea at her (the contents, not the mug). Wreckless, I know, and a potential assault had the contents been hot (they weren't). Yet again, I felt dreadful and my WW was the victim. I sat on the bed feeling like I was cracking up, trying to cry... I've never had suicidal thoughts but there were moments yesterday evening when I had a desire to go away... I can't say anything specific but I had a vague notion of ending it. And that worries me. I dismissed it almost right away but it was still there.

We took our DS to his pool party (WW can't drive, remember). I was surprised she was willing to come (I always do the kids parties) and I'd said I would go off and have a couple of hours to myself. I didn't in the end, mainly to do the right thing by my son as I always try to. I wasn't worried I'd do something to myself - if anything my feelings had morphed into just wanting to run a million miles away, but I couldn't imagine where I'd go. A walk along the beach or in the country didn't feel like it would clear my head. So, instead, I tried to act normal and be around other parents from our boy's school. They must be noticing that something is wrong.

Anyway, at least DS has had a good weekend so far (thanks to me). Yes, he must be aware of the atmosphere. I chatted to him in the car on the way to his club, telling him that sometimes people get cross with each other but that even if mummy & daddy sometimes are, it's nothing to do with him, it's not his fault and that we BOTH love him with all our hearts. I was fighting back a flood of tears, and doing my best not to let my voice crack. He replied with, 'but sometimes you tell me off', so I explained that (as that morning, when he was so slow eating him breakfast) we still have to tell him off if he's naughty but that if daddy is sometimes a little less patient than usual I would always say sorry and make it up to him. On balance, I think I've done OK with him (helped by the fact that he is a very well-rounded, balanced, sensitive, intelligent little boy) but of course all this pressure must be having an effect on him. I haven't yet but I WILL re-consider some form of counselling for him. My WW and I have BOTH been guilty this weekend of putting him in the middle - me much less than her, but I have fallen for that one too. I greatly regret it.

So, to today. The weather is beautiful again. My WW was going to take DS out - I've been drumming into her that she has barely done anything with him in ages, plus the fact that neither of us wants to be around the other right now. I'm torn as ever because I am ALWAYS there. I don't want to mope around the house. I don't even feel like getting myself out on my own and putting myself first. I'm feeling pretty shit about myself. I'm feeling pretty crushed. Very low.

I think this is partly because I KNOW I will be filing for divorce next week. And that even this has been confused in my already muddled brain by the POSOM's ex who STRONGLY advised me NOT to divorce her as this will be exactly what the OM wants. Step 1 in 'winning' my wife, even though I am quite convinced he doesn't want her in the medium to long term (when the romance wears off). I countered this with, 'but what about MY self-respect?'. I feel D is now the ONLY way for me to regain control over my life and to make my WW know I am deadly serious about not living one more day like this. Don't worry, my gut is telling me to get on with it. I couldn't give a shit what the OM makes of it. An ever growing part of me says, 'they're welcome to each other'. I just wish that whatever happens wasn't going to affect my son - and I don't want to speed up the process of that scumbag 'looking after' my boy.

It's 8.25am, already about 18-20C, clear blue skies, birds singing... And I feel like everything is pretty dark... And this isn't like me... I will get past this, I know I will. At the core of me I AM an optimistic person. I embrace change. I look forward to the future. Infidelity has shaken my world. It's like left is now right, up is now down. I've got to get a grip.

Oh, one more thing. Since Friday my snooping has brought up two further reasons for stress/worry. One of my very best friends apparently has called my wife in the last 10 days (once for eight minutes) and a guy from the place of work where WW & I met who she admitted years ago to having (meaningless?) sex with has been in touch (or she with him, I can't remember). She's claimed she's not had any contact with my friend in years (which I would usually believe) and that the co-worker is still a 'friend' (news to me).

It's normal to feel like this.

Infidelity has shaken my world. It's like left is now right, up is now down. I've got to get a grip.

Your world has been rocked.

The place where you should feel safe, secure and loved, suddenly doesn't.

The woman you invested years of faith and trust in, has turned her back on those.

Of course everything feels upside and wrong. It is :(

You try so hard to do the best by other people, especially DS.

This is your head telling you that you need to start doing the best by you too. Are you still going to IC? If not, go back.

Sad days are expected, but if you keep feeling that low (you know the bit I'm talking about) go and talk to your GP. Don't feel ashamed about it. What BSs are going through is similar to grief, and sometimes we need a little help.

Lastly, don't throw anything else at her. She knows your buttons. She's pushing them.

Hey Saveus, good to see you are able to type it all out and share your hurt, it is very cathartic to be able to do so, and often serves as a good sanity check!

In my opinion, you are spot on with youe thoughts on going through with filing for D; you are dead right, it does not work in the favour of the POSOM at all. He shouldn't even factor in. What it will do is knock your WW off whatever fence she thinks she's sitting on and will possibly knock her out of her land of gumdrops and unicorns which she currently inhabits.

As for POSOM having any long term plans with your W and DS, I wouldn't stress. His track record is woeful. Based on what his XW told you, he'll find some other woman's marriage to ruin soon after the novelty of your W wears off. I'd perhaps even raise the convo you had with his XW with your own W to see what she thinks....in fact, even better; drop that nugget about his track record the same time you drop D papers in front of her.

Also, take some solace in cold, hard empirical data. I think I might have posted this a while back, but Dr Shirley Glass found that only 10-20% of waywards ended up with their AP after an affair. Of that small %, barely 10% of those were with the APs two years later. In essence, your W's potential relationship with POSOM has a 98-99% chance of failure. Sobering.

In saying that, in the short term your wife just doesn't get it. Going out and getting drunk AGAIN so soon after cooling her heels in the watchhouse as a guest of Her Majesty? It's almost like she's daring you.

I wouldn't worry too much about her contact with those co-workers mate; what could she possibly do that is worse at the moment than what she has/is? You know her true nature now, and you also know she lies through her teeth.

Thinking of you mate, hope your son is feeling better, and well done shielding him from this as much as you can. Stay the course.

I'm really worried that you WW is trying to provoke you into something physical so that she can call the police. NC for your sons sake and carry a VAR at all times.

You will tell her about talking to the lady at the bowling club, but you wont ask her WHO she was out drinking with all afternoon and evening. That is odd.

One of my very best friends apparently has called my wife in the last 10 days

And you just let that go.

Call up the guy and ask him wtf he is talking to your wife about.

Yea, it looks like she is starting another affair.

Why do you talk to her.

This really is ugly. Your wife is purposely driving you insane and the sooner she is out of your life the better off you will be.

Saveus,

I'll weigh in one final time here . I am sure a lot of people following your thread are now scared as he'll for you. Now you mention suicidal thoughts. Pardon my French, but that is fucking scary to hear or read.

It is time to stop worrying and telling us what your son is doing at sports club. That is not meaningful at this point, especially when he has a Dad who is talking about thinking about suicide.

As I think Craig just said, she is now probably starting up another affair as well as staying out with me , and doing just about anything shitty a human can do to another.

I know I am not alone in hoping that you do as you said this week and filing to get rid of her and that we do not hear another story about why you cannot do it and of you r sons sports club says.

His days will be very lonely with no Dad or one committed to am institution. You cannot go on like this

@craig2001: I DID ask her who she was out with. And again this lunchtime. Total refusal to answer. I will elaborate when I get the chance. But no, as yet I haven't spoken to my friend. My WW will say my 'software' (i.e. for snooping) is 'wrong'.

@Badhurt: I'm sorry for saying anything & worrying you. I am FAR too strong to do away with myself. A good friend of mine committed suicide some years ago. I remember talking to him about that very subject a few years before. He was in a very bad place and clearly unwell. Believe me, I am not going anywhere. I love my son far too much. Apologies & thank you for caring.