SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good to hear you met with the attorney.

Obviously you still get do decide when to file, or if you wait for her to do it.

Just remember all the advice about her cake eating and you as the backup plan. Based on your description, I can't see her filing. Deep down she wants and needs the stability you provide the home and family. It makes it much easier for her to keep using you while she runs around and stays out all night.

So think long and hard about whether you can keep doing this. Can you keep being the stand up guy who takes care of the kids and all, while she continues to run wild? Are you going to get free nights to go out with the guys while she stays home with the kids?

I still think she's a cake eater. She wants you, the free babysitter and housekeeper (Remember the dirty dishes?), to stick around while she goes out and does whatever with whoever she wants. And if you don't like that shit sandwich, you're just a master manipulator.

I think your 180 needs to go cold and dark. Don't speak to her about anything except daily parenting requirements. Say nothing about your attorney or what you plan do do about the marriage, including D. No more mediated meetings, arguments or venting sessions. Ignore texts or answer them with one word. You cannot reason with this woman. She is in la la land right now. Just detach.

All the best.

If your car had been wrecked and was running poorly you would have taken it to a mechanic long before now.

You are, frankly, a mess.

What is more necessary to you right now than your mental and emotional health?

Why haven't you seen a trained mental mechanic?

Agree with 100% of that.

Actually, the next time she says she's going out, I have to watch the kids, I'm thinking of saying "Can't tonight hon, I got a date", then just smile, walk away, and go to my AA meeting.

I know what the shit sandwhiches tastes like, and I don't like the taste.

I know my breaking point.

I've actually gotten alot better over the last couple of weeks/month, from hitting my meetings, and me coming out of MY fog.

I AM a good father

I AM a hard worker

I DO take care of and put my family first

Contrary to what she wants me to believe, most of the stuff she says about me is bullshit. It doesn't work on me anymore.

Antlered - because my mechanic is charging me $5,000 for the repairs and it's gonna take me time to get that together.

You need to start going out on your own and leave her at home. Maybe a weekend getaway to a friend or relative.

You owe her nothing at this point. I'd just get up and take off. Stay dark while you're gone.

Antlered - because my mechanic is charging me $5,000 for the repairs and it's gonna take me time to get that together.

I don't accept this. You are insured.

I thought you were talking about the attorney.

I do go to counseling every week or 2 weeks, depending on what's going on. I try to go to an AA meeting a day, which helps me even more then therapy.

I'm doing what I'm supposed to right now to take care of myself.

My apologies! I thought you weren't in IC. I'm a big proponent of that because it did me a world of good. It's great to hear that you are getting some professional support. I was afraid you weren't what with reaching out to cat lady and all.

Seems like you have a goal and a plan regarding the attorney then. Great! Continue practicing detachment. It's difficult I know, still practicing sometimes more than 1.5 years post d day. It is, however, the best way to go for one's peace of mind.

Wait.............you are an alcoholic, really just being a dry drunk. Had an EA 2 years ago. The same amount of time you were fantasizing about your wife fucking another man. Really during her critical healing time. Lord knows how far you pushed that. Oh man, if that wouldn't fuck a good married woman up I don't know what would. You admit to ripping off your employer many times. Oh man what the hell!!

I am out. I know crazy when I see it.

Needed to add.........ready for a fuck buddy in less than a month. Just a ball of integrity.

[This message edited by worried_lady at 11:33 PM, April 21st (Thursday)]

Take care worried lady.

This is a bit of a contentious issue. You'll get a lot of different points of view. IMHO, it's better to wait. I don't think you're detached enough to start something with someone else, and that includes a FWB arrangement.

I think I’m with worried_lady. I find it difficult to demonize JM72’s WW considering what she went thru with his EA & the fact that JM72 seems to be still in contact with his AP. JM72 also encouraged his WW with his fantasies of being with OM. This whole situation is sad and I’m sorry for them both. No one deserves to be in infidelity but I’m not certain who is more at fault so I wish them both happiness.

[This message edited by 40YOSL at 2:03 AM, April 22nd (Friday)]

I hope the mods take care of worried_lady

I'm going to defend you here, JM.

There have been a couple of posts here lately that seem to equate you having a short flirting fling that was completely non-physical and TWO YEARS ago, as somehow being the same as your WW having a deliberate and calculated emotional affair for more than a half-year with a ghetto rat BBC, and then deliberately morphing that into a physical affair with him, which now involves going off on overnighters and weekends with him to various pot-smoking, rap clubs, followed by long f*** sessions with him without even a thought that you might be unavailable to baby-sit your children.

And that doesn't even include the f*** meets during the week.

Somehow those two situations are considered equal?

Seriously?

JM, I didn't start following your story until recently but have read from the beginning.  You said toward the beginning that you were a dry drunk for 15 years.  The impression I got was you were calling yourself that because you hadn't been to meetings for that long.  Yet you just got your 20 year chip.

A dry drunk is someone who thinks and acts like an alcoholic, just without the alcohol.  I don't see that in your posts.  I don't see the actions of one who puts his needs, wants, and desires above his family for 15 years.  I see someone in pain, trying to justify his wife's actions by accepting the blame onto his shoulders.

I did the same when my now fWH used my alcoholism as an excuse to stray.  It took me many moons to come to terms that my f*cked-upiness was not an excuse for him to nuke our relationship.

As for Cat Lady?  I completely underatand your desire.  Before fWH and I reconciled, I would sit in my meetings, praying someone would 13th step me as I so wanted the touch of another human.  Thankfully, my prayers weren't answered.

I don't believe you are doing anything wrong, craving the attention of another. I know you would prefer it if it was your wife, but she's taken that option off the table.  I would just recommend that it NOT be Cat Lady.  She has a history with you that can look bad if your wife pulls the phone records and sees you are texting her.  Her words will be, "See?  I knew you never stopped with her!"  And it's damn near impossible to prove otherwise since every BS will tell you they worry that the A has gone underground and all the different ways it can be done.

I'm sending you strength. This shit ain't easy.

My husband's number one fantasy was to see me with another man.

It didn't Fuck me up.

It didn't encourage me to cheat.

Because I didn't want to.

His ww made the choice to cheat all by herself.

Hey JM,

Just wanted to send you my support. When things get tough on here please reread Montana's and shattered's post. There were many other ways your ww could have dealt with any of her hurt.

You are not a dry drunk! There is nothing crazy about you! As for integrity, admitting to your mistakes and giving the posters here a complete picture shows a lot of integrity.

Stay strong and big {{{hugs}}} to you.

in response to worried_lady and 40yosl,

we are here to try and help JM72, not to be trashing him if it can be helped. His wakeup call has been acknowledged and he has responded to it over a dozen pages ago so I don't see where trashing him for what he already acknowledged was a mistake is helpful.

Yes, IMO, he made a mistake turning her on to other guys. I am one of the biggest opponents of open marriage on this board and at first was like "what the hell, JM" but he has accepted responsibility for that and realizes it was a mistake. I personally believe he has been more than patient and very reserved in working with his wife. More patient than I would have been. He has become a standup guy in this and has protected his kids and really tried to work on his marriage. I think we need to back off him and support him at this time.

Oh and before anyone else tries to crown Mrs. JM as a saint, she had an affair 20 years ago, and is acting enormously irrationally and has trashed her own marriage at a time her husband has tried to repair it. She has also endangered herself and walked out on the kids. So no the fault isn't as easily distributed. She could have rejected his offering to open up the marriage but she went head over heels and got in to it. Hardly an innocent bystander here.

JM, we are still here for you and I think you are making progress.

In case I missed it, when is that meeting with your attorney ?

and there are a lot of recovering alcoholics. I don't judge them based on what they were as long as I wasn't hurt in the process. I judge them based on what they are doing now.

If his WW had an issue with it, she should have taken the high road and ended things a long time ago with him, not forgiven and had a family and now her second affair