SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And as for the catlady - do you really want to be with her, knowing that 1. she was so broken that she was flirting,..., with a married man (i.e. you) and 2. that she seems to be still so broken to get back involved with you so soon and given your circumstances, and that she "never stopped thinking about you" (i.e. a married, unavailable man)?

I know it's hard to do, but you'll be better off telling her that you hope both of you will grow in the next year or so, and that perhaps you can meet for coffee in a year's time if you're both single (or at least with divorced filed, living away from other spouse etc.). In the meantime, no contact with her.

I've been in your shoes, I know it's hard. But life is like that, sometimes the best and most right things are the hardest. Best wishes

I do work hard for what I have. I've gotten 2 promotions over the last 8 years, and I'm up for a supervisor position. If you go ahead with your threats, I'll lose everything I've worked so hard for. If you feel you need to punish me to "protect" yourself, then so be it. Just know the kids will take the hit when it comes to college or the things they need.

Well, that's a bunch of horse****. A divorce can't be used to deny someone a promotion. So stupid.

Anyway, I drafted a prior response to your question regarding the settlement and somehow deleted it. So, here it is again...

Based on what you wrote, I asked a family law attorney friend of mine who said the settlement money is most likely not subject to equitable distribution. BUT, please be aware that is based on what you wrote here and the facts are a little murky to me.

Ask anyone and everyone you know who has gotten a divorce what they think of the attorney they used. Referrals are the best source of advice on which attorney to choose. Effective attorneys get good referrals, ineffective attorneys who are good at billing clients more than anything will not get good referrals.

As far as the meeting, you already went but I would have agreed with the others that you shouldn't go. Cheaters are selfish, first and foremost. That's why they cheat. Don't expect a selfish person to suddenly see your side of the story and agree that he/she is behaving poorly. It's just not going to happen.

Implement the 180, hard. Focus on you and the kids, and getting a good result in the divorce. Stop engaging her in any way. When you have no choice but to engage her, such as talking about the kids, smile like you don't have a care in the world. Kill her with kindness. If she asks about or wants to talk about the divorce, just say "My lawyer told me to let him/her handle it, so I'm not going to discuss it any more."

And one last point/piece of advice....Divorce sucks, it really does. It's painful to be betrayed and to have a relationship you thought would last a lifetime fail. But dating in your 50's? Trust me, that's not so bad at all.

What am I supposed to do?

In my opinion, you STOP all contact with the cat lady. If you had an emotional affair with her before then you've already crossed a line with her before and she's proven that she is not respectful of your marriage. You need friends to lean on but try to surround yourself with friends that can offer you support to get you through this mess WITHOUT taking advantage of the fact your marriage is ending. I recommend that you pick up the book "Not Just Friends". It is a great book that will help you through your wife's actions and will help you see a healthier way to define friendships. Even if you never get back together with your WW, it will help you in your future relationships.

I also encourage you to seek out social groups (not singles groups), like on meetup.com that will give you activities outside your situation to help serve as a distraction. Start with a goal of doing something fun for yourself once a week.

Keep moving forward with clear boundaries with your wife. My own XWH told me that he doesn't know that he would have ever realized how bad he fucked up his life, if I wouldn't have divorced him and moved away. Clear and decisive consequences for an affair are a must.

At this point, I don't know that it matters who stepped outside the marriage first or who took the affairs further. You both clearly set your own sticks of dynamite to the foundation of your marriage and now it's rubble. Time for you to go your separate ways, work on yourselves and maybe in a few years you'll find a way back to each other. It's not unheard of.

She fucked up, and it was, and still is my fault because of the flirting with the cat lady.

Im surprised your WW is blaming the cat lady stuff instead of the mutual plan to open up the marriage, hotwife fantasy stuff, etc. Seems to me, distant as I am, that ^^that^^ is where her A started. Maybe I'm missing details.

Stay away from broken cat lady. For you, for her.

Work on JM

You're here to survive infidelity. We are here to help. Good luck.

Hobbesthetiger, see some good has come of this.

I did feel I should have done more, I should have been a better husband, I should have tried harder.

My wife has always said -

"You were never there for me"

"I could never count on you"

"You never put me first"

"You were never dependable"

She had me under control. I fed into it. It's all bullshit. The time I spent with the family, cooking them sinner, sneaking out of work to catch my son's t-ball games, or my daughters soccer games, then sneaking back to work before I was caught.

Taking the kids fishing and crabbing, being at their school plays and events by again sneaking out of work.

Letting my wife go with her friends to the Poconos for the weekend, I take care of the house and the kids.

Letting her go to Puerto Rico with her cousin for the weekend, I take care of the house and the kids.

Letting her go to Coach bingo, I go to work, clock in, leave work, take my daughter to gymnastics, go back to work, leave again an hour later, pick her up, take her home, and make sure dinner was made before I left. All so my wife can go enjoy herself, uninterrupted.

This is who I was.

And now I was never there for her? Never there for the kids? Unreliable? Undependable? A bad husband and a bad father?

Fuck that. I always put my family firsr, no matter what. The lesson I learned going through this is, no more. I let my mom hurt me, it was her fault, not mine. My wife is treating me the same way. That's on her, not me.

I am a great guy. I do have alot to offer. I'm not getting sucked into other people's bullshit anymore. I'm responsible for myself. Admit when I make a mistake. Own it, work on it, try to get better. I'm not letting anyone keep me down anymore.

Believe me, the immense pain I've been in has forced me to look in the mirror and grow as a person, to start being the best me that I can be.

I'm broken, but I'm getting better.

I forgot to address the other point in your post about the kids. That is not what I would consider abandonment. However, you should document everything that happens regarding the kids and the respective amounts of time and effort you each put into raising them. You want to be awarded as much time as possible, so document everything in writing. Get and keep a journal.

Abandonment is an "at fault" ground for divorce, which as I mentioned earlier is not usually effective for anything other than pissing off overworked judges. I once filed a complaint for divorce based on abandonment, only to have the judge unilaterally change the grounds on which he granted the divorce to mental cruelty (the "irreconcilable differences" of that era.)

I'm glad you're working on making the best of this horrible the situation, and I hope you'll continue to make great strides in working on yourself and becoming happier.

And yes, definitely don't buy her bullsh-t!

It's great that you're working on learning how to put your needs, emotional and otherwise, to the forefront of your life! I too had to go through a similar process. But I describe it as learning to becoming "reasonably selfish" - i.e., I had to learn how to become more selfish (selfish in a good way), but to still be cognizant of those depending on me (in your case, that would be your kids), of still keeping my integrity (i.e. I worked hard on still always doing what I thought was the just/right things) etc.

So my advice would be: become reasonably selfish! :)

Look, I'll be completely honest as far as the cat lady, and I told her this - I'm in no shape to start a relationship. I'm broken right now and have to heal and work on things.

Is it wrong to admit I'm not looking for a relationship, but more a "friends with benifits" relationship?

I may get scolded for even admitting that, but I would tell her or anyone else up front. I'm not gonna mislead anyone, bullshit anyone, or play with anyone's head.

Yes it would feel good to be with someone, even temporarily. I admit that. It would make me feel better, but I'm not in a position to work on a relationship right now. Having fun is another story, but I would say that up front. I'm not gonna fuck with anyone's head.

I don't post too much, but this thread is making me nuts.

Look JM, you need to DETACH from your wife and from your flirty friend as well. You need to really REALLY do the 180. It seems you want to WIN rather than be healed, to make HER LOSE by seeing your view as correct. Give it up. Let it go.

I think it is time to get yourself clear of this marriage.

"Look, I'll be completely honest as far as the cat lady, and I told her this - I'm in no shape to start a relationship. I'm broken right now and have to heal and work on things.

Is it wrong to admit I'm not looking for a relationship, but more a "friends with benifits" relationship?

I may get scolded for even admitting that, but I would tell her or anyone else up front. I'm not gonna mislead anyone, bullshit anyone, or play with anyone's head."

You are being honest. I don't think any of that is wrong. It can be really helpful to have a woman friend when you go through this.

This thread is off the chain. In one month we have gone from "I can't believe she cheated" and "I am wired for monogamy" to "I need a fuck buddy".

Yes CanoeVA, that was also brought up.

The two main things were, this affair happened because of the cat lady, and this is my fault because it was "what I wanted".

I'll tell you how it went down. We pillow talked and role played this fantasy out in the bedroom over 2 years. We talked alot about it.

I woke up on Nov. 24th to a text from my wife saying she was "going for it". I tried calling her, no answer. When I finally got it touch with her, she said "too late".

I didn't blame her for this, but I did tell her how I felt, how it made me feel, and the fact that fantasy wasn't the same as reality. I told her I wasn't mad at her, but didn't want to do it anymore.

She proceeded to see him behind my back, keeping it secret. She developed feelings for him, and then told me "well, what did you expect? You knew there was a chance I might develop feelings for him. This is what you wanted". No

I have texts sent to her saying this isn't a good idea, I don't want to do this anymore, it's not worth losing the marriage over.

And so, we are where we are because I flirted with the cat lady, and this was my idea, what I wanted.

That's it in a nutshell.

Please try to understand that many of us are not responding in judgement, but more so from an outside perspective. Many SI members are here because of emotional affairs, so they are especially aware there is no such thing as harmless flirting.

Even as a BS, I wasn't truly aware of what a fine line some of my own friendships danced on. After months reading the stories on this site and reading the Not Just Friends book, I now see how something as simple as bending a friend's ear about the pain you're in can be the start of an emotional affair and how an EA can start a PA. It's a very slippery and painful slope.

Yes, you should be commended for recognizing the flirting, putting a stop to it and refocusing on your marriage. I think the point others are trying to make is that opening yourself up to someone outside your marriage on any level (even just flirting) can cause irreparable damage. That doesn't justify what your wife has done or excuse it. It is just important that you recognize it moving forward, because here she (cat lady) is again, being reintroduced into your life. It might not be the best time to re-engage with her.

Now if you would have posted this same situation but the woman was someone entirely new, my advice would still be the same. A relationship of any kind before your divorce is final, including just friends-with-benefits, 1) can complicate your divorce proceedings and 2) seems to be the same as an exit affair (IMO) so proceed with extreme caution.

[This message edited by SkepticallyStuck at 12:15 PM, April 21st (Thursday)]

Why would you want to complicate your life even more with an F buddy? Yes it will make you feel like you are someone and worth something to someone -- but -- you should be working on finding that in yourself not thru a f buddy

Also before you go off and get too involved with someone -- ask the lawyer what the grounds that would stop any future spousal support and if you need to know that. You need to know that before starting up something that might seem light hearted.

[This message edited by MellowYellow at 12:38 PM, April 21st (Thursday)]

Considering the catlady was your AP in your EA, I think you'd be best to stay away from her as far as possible. Don't ever get back with your AP, even if you both become single/available. She was your affair partner. Part of the true, deep remorse and accepting the wrongness of an affair, imho, is cutting out the AP out of your life permanently. That's my two cents and I understand that some people have a different view on this.

Wanna find a fuck buddy? I have no problem with that once you've filed for divorce and if you're honest with the person like you said you would be. But the fuck buddy shouldn't be your former AP.

Still, if you insist on giving her another go, do it after you (and preferably her) have done a lot of work for yourself, are no longer vulnerable/broken/hurt by everything that's happened and been happening. Go NC with her after explaining it to her. If after a year or so of you working on yourself, healing,..., you'll still want to be with her, I think the odds of you getting seriously hurt and messed up by getting involved with her will be significantly lower than now.

But still, my advice is to let the cat lady go completely and don't let her back into your life for a long time, preferably for ever.

As always, we're here for you, and best wishes!

Well, after a few months, I finally had the consultation with my attorney. I am not entitled to the inheritence money, as expected.

Primarily, it will probably be 3 overnights a week with the kids, 4 with my wife.

I'm entitled to half her pension, plus she has a deferred comp (secondary pension) which I would also be entitled to half.

As far as alimony, he ran the numbers based on salary. I'm looking to get in the range of $900 to $1,200 a month in alimony. I was stunned at that number.

I would pay child support, which would probably be around 30% - 40% of the alimony kicked back to her, BUT, my daughter turned 16 today. My other daughter is 13. In 2 years, it would go down to child support for just the youngest. In 5 years, no more child support, so that $900 to $1,200 a month would continue for another 10 years, with no child support going back to her after they are all adults.

He also said, and I didn't know this - don't file. Let her file.

The more time that goes by, the more I get, because the pension amount and the alimony are based on money invested into the pension, and time invested in the marriage. It wouldn't be much, but it adds up if she files 6 months from now, 8 months from now, a year from now.

So that's the info he gave me. He basically said, she'll take a big financial hit, and I would have more income in the future then I do now. Basically, I'll be OK.

Look, it's easy for your attorney to say don't file, let it drag on - he's thinking about your financial interests. What about your mental health? You're already skirting with a RA, do you really want to sink lower? File sooner rather than later, work on yourself, and once you're divorced, then find yourself some companionship.

Revenge affair? How so? I'm not trying to get even.

I know the technicalities of what's going on, but I don't view it as an affair.

I want my wife back, it looks like she's never coming back. I didn't want another woman.

This isn't an eye for an eye. This isn't what I wanted, none of it.

I can't have the woman I want, that decision was made by her. I'd still love to be with her, unfortunately, she's with someone else.

As far as getting involved with someone else, I understand. I said it myself that it wouldn't be fair to me, or the other woman. Yeah, it would probably feel great to feel that, to have someone that wants to be with me, but I sensed alot of people feeling like I would be a hypocrite, that it would be no different then what she did.

She made her choice, and it broke my heart. I wanted her. Now it's wrong if I find comfort somewhere else?

Maybe psychologically, yes, but morally? Really?

JM - you might want to check that math...

Unless your wife is entitled to some astronomical amount of pension; or she is due to qualify for some dramatic jump in benefit levels in that 6 - 12 month time frame; it does not seem possible for it to make enough of a difference to wait.

What you are describing just doe not make much sense. Example... let's say you wait the 12 months and waiting that 12 months get you $5000.00 extra dollars from her for alimony. $5 k sounds like a decent chunk of money but you don't get it all at once, you get it in monthly installments over an extended period of time.

Spread that out over 15 years and it adds up to just over maybe and extra $25.00 a month. As another poster pointed out, is your mental well being worth $25.00 a month?

Just make sure you are not hearing what you want to hear to avoid making the move to file and divorce. It is of course your call and your choice... You are the only one who can make it. But I am having a really hard time believing that the difference in alimony is such a huge benefit that it is worth waiting for...

Yeah, the other issue is coming up with the $5,000 retainer fee.

Today was step 1, finding out what I can expect. I'm moving forward.

And the cat lady thing, I agree with people who say it might be a bad idea. I wasn't considering it as a revenge thing, or to get even, but put yourself in my shoes (and I'm sure many of you have been) -

I have one woman who I still love and haven't gotten over who rejected me and doesn't want me, and another woman that wants to have fun with me, I'm still hurting, and I can't have either.

Doing the right thing sucks sometimes.