SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It feels like walking in on your naked wife and her lover right before he sticks it in and her saying "but we didn't have sex".

If you're going to use that metaphor, then what happened is that you walked into a secluded room at the holiday party and caught them kissing, fully clothed, with him getting "handsy" on her.

I had a pretty active single life. I know that even for single people with no cheating issues, there can be a large gap between kissing/handsy and PIV sex, a gap that is often never closed. It is speculation to conclude that your WW would have gone that far. You could ask her but there is no way to know if she'd be honest about that point. In the case of married people, that is often the time that they have sudden crisis of conscience and put a stop to things.

I’ve read all the 40 pages and I must say it is traumatic for me to see what you’re going through because I did too go through the same. My gut was always telling me that there was more to what my wife was telling me and I was right. It’s a really bad feeling. You’re going to go through a number of emotions that will wreak havoc with your head.

You should ask your wife to come home. She can sleep in another room. Her being away doesn’t help R if that’s what you want.

Can I ask you. Has she been unfaithful before in your marriage?

[This message edited by Mene at 7:05 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Be very careful about drive-by's. Could be considered stalking if she decides to D.

If you're going to use that metaphor, then what happened is that you walked into a secluded room at the holiday party and caught them kissing, fully clothed, with him getting "handsy" on her.

By the second lunch Pepe Le Puny already had his hands all over Dan's wife's vagina and his tongue in her mouth.

Then, Dan's wife bought a nice new dress AND maybe some sexy new underthings AND tried to get Dan to stay home so she could go to an alcohol-laden office party to commiserate with her new paramour.

The only assumption that makes any sense whatsoever is that things were going to go A LOT farther that night, and for most adults who have already tounged each other's mouths and given hand-to-vagina access, that means somebody's something is going inside somebody else's something, somehow.

No, I think your extended courtship scenario with Dan's wife pulling back from the precipice in the nick of time is innacurate at best.

Remember that she's acting in what she perceives as her own best interests.

This doesn't seem like an exit affair, but rather a cake-eating affair,

who knows, she could be crying her eyes out at a friend's house.

Your wife should be in her home, your home, now. This is best for everyone. Including yourself

Maybe she went to Target for something.

Maybe she went to Jennifer's to cry on his shoulder or for one final goodbye.

Maybe she went for a drive or to a co-worker or friend's house.

She may not have the support of 50k people on the SI website, and doesn't know WTF to do to make it all stop.

She is going to do what she is going to do. Her head has not been on straight since her affair began so be prepared for anything. She said that she will spend her life making it up to you..at least she didn't swear on the lives of your children.

Keep your head to together for you and the kids. Did they show you their letters? Did you discuss?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:16 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

My thoughts exactly. There have been a couple of "new" (as in the last few days) members that make me wonder if it's her on this board.

Dan, did you tell her about this website? If not, it's certainly possible she just did a Google search for "surviving infidelity" and found the site on her own. If so, that's not good because now she will see everything you write. Let's hope she hasn't/doesn't find it.

There’s a small chance that she reads this or will read this

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:47 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)]

She finally showed up at 8:30. She told SIL that she had been shopping. Looks like she may have left the phone there. They were getting ready to check the locator again and call it when she walked in.

I did drop off her phone and velcro the var under her seat. I just sent her a text letting her know where to find her phone. She better not have gone out to see OM.

Hi DaninOH, so sorry you are having to go through this.

I work in IT and I just wanted to mention that since this is a workplace affair, one thing that I have often seen is that those engaged in a workplace affair will often use company resources to communicate with their AP.

I don't know it will still apply to you now if your wife has resigned from the company and lost access to her accounts.

Most employees at the company I work for have their emails on their smartphones, along with chat software that we use to communicate with each other internally (we use both jabber and slack).

Since the AP is in IT he may know better and did not use company resources or knows how to cover his tracks.

All the best to you and your girls, Brother.

Read the guidelines for the different forums LostHope. Betrayed only in JFO.

Again, doesn't look good, at this point when her entire world is set on fire and she goes shopping !!! and leaves the phone behind so that no one can contact her ? it does not look good at all and speaks volumes about her state of mind, it maybe true and she needed some distraction but it just doesn't smell good at all. Did she buy something ?

[This message edited by Buster123 at 8:33 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Chevy, you are correct. Sorry.

She just text me from her new number asking if she can come over and talk.

Dan, bring your wife home. She needs to be there. You’re able to monitor her, too. Her headspace is all over the shop and if she’s not at home she’s likely to do things she normally wouldn’t do. Her coming home doesn’t mean you’re excusing her behavior. It’s also less stressful for you as you don’t have to wonder where she is. She has resigned from work and she has nothing else to do and if she’s alone and not in her home this is not good.

She needs to have the phone on her all the time so you know of her exact location. That’s the price she has to be for the foreseeable future. No more privacy.

I’ll ask this question again because I don’t believe you have answered it:

Has she cheated on you prior to this that you know of?

[This message edited by Mene at 8:39 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

"Has she cheated on you prior to this that you know of?"

Not that I am aware of.

My 2 cents:

If you feel ready, You’re going to have to have that initial deep conversation, so explain to your daughters that you’ll need some privacy and say yes. If you aren’t ready, tell her you need some time and suggest another evening. It’s really about what you think you can handle and if you think you’ll get something productive out of it at this point.

I’m so sorry you have to do this.

Print out a copy of Steven's issues on page 32 and have her talk about that

Take control stay in control always with her.

Given how quickly she let things progress with the OM, a few hours “shopping” could be a potential red flag. Is this a normal routine for her ?

I don’t understand. She doesn’t seem to be aware how bad her situation and she should realize how disappearing for a few hours would seem to you, given the current circumstances