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Make the undies disappear for a while and say you sent to lab and the stain came back a mixture of lipstick saliva and shit. At least let him think whoever he was with likes to eat shit. For good measure arrange a callback where you are saying on the phone "what do you mean by HIV mixed in with lipstick"

You've had a lot thrown at you in a short period of time. Remember, you don't have to do things on anyone's time frame but your own. You can do this as fast or as slowly as you want. There is no reason for you to have to make this go like a speeding train.

Here's a few thoughts (and some that have already been spoken)

1) Hide those underwear somewhere safe. Give him another pair. Mark them with your lipstick and hand them over. If you can't make them match then tell him you are very sorry but you washed them because you were so upset with thought that they "could be" lipstick and the stain came out. Then show him clean underwear and give him those. Then let it go. You need to go back to normal.

2) If you use internet explorer or firefox... then start using private browsing for all your posting to SI and all your snooping. You can't rely on the fact that you will remember to clear your internet searches.

3) You really need to just lay low for a while and let this die down in my opinion. You need time to make a safe plan for yourself and your children. Talk to a lawyer. Get a VAR. etc. Take your time! Mistakes are made when you are hasty!!!!

Take a breath.....

It is so important to act wisely now.

Please listen to Spirit.

And again, find some way to call a woman's shelter and at least talk to someone. You are being abused.

It does NOT matter at this point whether he cheated or not. He is holding you hostage. He has you beaten down and brainwashed. I am an abuse survivor. You do NOT have to live like this.

You are young. He is making you sick. You are taking medications BECAUSE of him. He is not worth your health or your life.

I know this is super scary to you and I understand the kids deal. I stayed longer than I should have because mine threatened to take my children away too. It was awful....he followed me around with a recorder and kept telling me that he was getting information that would make the judge see I was crazy and take my kids away.

He always threatened if I ever left him he would take my children.

He didn't (he tried) but even with all the threats and the "ammo" he felt he had on me, we still ended up with shared custody and I am the residential parent and the one in charge of the health and schooling. My kids are okay now. Our divorce was 6 years ago. If I had stayed, my kids would not have been okay, and I would probably be in a mental hospital by now.

I called the Domestic Abuse Hotline, but I kept refusing to believe I was being abused and it took a counselor to help me realize I needed to get away. I will always be thankful to him for that.

I did not get help from a women's shelter until I actually got the divorce, and I wish I had known about them much sooner. They have been a lifeline for me.

They can help with financial resources, safety, support through the court process, obtaining a P.O. if necessary (and it may be in your case....if he used to hit you, there is nothing to make me think he might not do it again if provoked.)

Please be careful, do not let him know you may be thinking of leaving!!!

Keep erasing your history, and find some way to get some help. You will need it for a while, and that is what they are there for.

Sending you ((((hugs))) and strength.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 10:01 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

I agree with Naive. You are being abused! I am so upset for you. When you say your baby has a terrible rash and he will not buy the right cream (btw I deal with the terrible rashes too-flanders cream is the best)and having to use wet paper towels?! This is no father! I repeat you and your children do not deserve this shit! This is textbook abuse. He is controlling you and this is not how life has to be.

Please do as Naive says. Keep on top of your computer history, do not let him know a thing about your plans. Be selfish for once and think only of you and your happiness and get yourself and these children away from this man. He cannot, cannot, cannot take your children from you! He knows that is your greatest fear and uses it against you. It wont happen.

As for your anxiety...I virtually guarantee HE is the source of this problem. I would bet if you were away from his control you would start to live without anxiety. He is making you sick. I too suffered hellish anxiety for several years. After dday I havent had it again. Living with all the pure bullshit and my gut knowing something was wrong was eating me inside.

Do not worry about him using it against you. Millions of people are on medications to help with anxiety.

Call a womens shelter, call a lawyer and find out your rights, knowing what you could expect will give you peace of mind.

We are all here with you.

Then let it go. You need to go back to normal.

I agree. This has gone on long enough with giving him the cold shoulder. ie no real conversation, no sex, ect...2)

If you use internet explorer or firefox... then start using private browsing for all your posting to SI and all your snooping. You can't rely on the fact that you will remember to clear your internet searches.

I keep trying to browse in private, but it always seems like my history is still there.

3) You really need to just lay low for a while and let this die down in my opinion. You need time to make a safe plan for yourself and your children. Talk to a lawyer. Get a VAR. etc. Take your time! Mistakes are made when you are hasty!!!!

Its time to lay low. I totally agree. I can't go on with this tension much longer even if he is a dog.

Last night he kept bringing up the underwear. In a nutshell he told me I am wrong for doing this to him. He also said he has to spend money on a forensic scientist because I had a bad childhood! He blames everything on my parents. (My dad did bad things but my dad isn't the one with lipstick on his underwear and he is NOT a part of my life and hasn't been since I was 16.)

I told my husband that I think he has a sociopathic personality(I couldn't help myself) he said that its great that I learned a couple things in school) I called him on that insult. I kept my cool, in fact I kept my cool so well, he was nervously laughing like a psychopath for about 20 minutes before he went to bed. I've never heard this from him before. I guess it happened when I told him that I informed my family about what happened. He just started laughing, but it just wasn't normal. He kept trying to make jokes, he would say something he thought I would laugh at and I wouldn't do it. He just kept laughing and repeating pretty loudly, "its not lipstick, its not lipstick" I was embarrassed thinking my eldest son heard this.

I have to add that even though my sister and BIL don't care one bit about what he did to me, I do have a sister who just moved to Florida. She has her own problems now since she's trying to find a job, but she ended her marriage of about 20 years because her husband was always trying to bring others into their marriage. She ended the marriage not even 2 years ago but found someone that treats her like gold.

This sister cares, but she's so far away. I'm glad I told her because it feels like I'm sharing the burden. She said she'd pray for me and she wants me to have the underwear tested. Its werid, we think alike, she said it before I did.

[This message edited by itsovernow at 7:52 AM, May 17th (Thursday)]

Oh my gosh!!! He TOLD his boss!!! Why would he go and do that?

I'm even more devastated.

He told his boss? Really?

What EXACTLY did he tell him??

he told him everything, that I found something red(however its really pink) that I think its lipstick. I think he's trying to make me look crazy. They work with red all the time on the job site. This, however wasn't red. I guess his boss went home and asked his wife if he had red here(I don't know where here was), would she be mad, she said no. If he had red here, (pointing to his mouth) would you be mad and she said yes.

I have half a mind to just send the pictures to his boss! I've known this man(his boss) since I was 19.

He's a Sunday School teacher, Deacon in his church, and has been a marriage counselor and I DON'T think he is a nice guy at all due to unfair business practices but thats beisdes the point.

I'll bet sending him those pictures would fix my husbands A$$ real quick.

I've never been so humiliated in my life.

I keep trying to browse in private, but it always seems like my history is still there.

Download Google Chrome, and browse in Incognito mode. There should be no cookies or history saved.

I am really glad you told your sister and that you have someone IRL that you can reach out to for support.

He told his boss??? Im sure he treated it like it was one big joke. Im so sorry he is laughing at your pain.

Even *if* this isn't lipstick,his insensitivity and direspect is horrible.

What a fucking asshole.

At this point, whether or not it's lipstick (which I believe it is) is completely irrelevant. You are being abused. Your children are being abused by him. Please, please, please get our ducks in a row, call a crisis hotline or shelter and get out.

Please keep posting and I hope you are able to gain some strength from all of us here. We're here for you.

My husband was abusing me and the children too by Dday. I got him to stop and we're still married, but it wasn't easy and I needed a very strong will and a lot of professional help to stop it. I won't lie -- I almost gave up. If it ever starts up again, there are no more chances, but in my case, it worked for me. But you do need help. You can't do this alone. It's just not possible. Since you're a SAHM, it will take help to leave if that's your choice, and certainly it will take a LOT of help to stay, if you feel like it's a situation you can safely resolve. But you need professional advice to even figure out whether or not you can resolve it safely.

Please get some help. Standing up to my husband, the "friend" other woman, my parents and all the people in my life that were so toxic and cruel -- it's made all the difference for me and my children.

Who told you that "he" told his boss? Your WS?

Listen...I realize this is all very overwhelming to you right now you are getting hit with alot of advice all over the place. I think you just need to lay low, stop engaging with him even if he escalates, because he will just know that...and get yourself together and leave it alone.

If he brings up the underwear one more time? Tell him that you feel he is right, thank him for being truthful (puke) be a great actress and just DROP IT.

I realize your sister said to get it tested but the underwear is not your problem, trust me. Even if you got the test tomorrow and it came back positive and proved he is lying WHAT are you going to do? Because you don't have a plan at the moment. So please, for your sake, unless you are ready to back everything up and leave the house with the kids (which you are not) just drop it and get your ducks in a row with working on other things that you need right now.

For your own safety and your kids. If you had a place to go or money set aside to get out of town or for a lawyer I would tell you to do something. But right now you are sitting in that house knowing something is not right but you have no game plan.

Lay low and get smarter.

Because you don't have a plan at the moment. So please, for your sake, unless you are ready to back everything up and leave the house with the kids (which you are not) just drop it and get your ducks in a row with working on other things that you need right now.

All I can do is lay low and try to get a plan in order. I don't have any money or anywhere to go with 5 kids especially since they are used to their lives here.

He isn't physically abusing me or the kids. I just wanted to make that clear to everyone, however I know that emotional abuse is bad too. He has done that plenty of times tonight even and I called him on it.

In fact he started about how HES paying HIS money to get the underwear tested and he was going on about a credit card we used to have and said HES paying it off so why do I care. I reminded him that the day we got married his money became ours and that I've earned my keep. I'm raising 5 children. Sometimes I feel that he likes to rub him being the only working parent in my face. Oh and he also said, that this is really hurting him! Really?!

He's totally acting like the victim.

He told me he told his boss.

I'm having a pretty hard night tonight. He really keeps bringing it up. He swears to God he didn't do anything. Honestly, him swearing to God doesn't mean anything anymore. I feel sick and alone and the rug that I felt safe with for 18 years has now been pulled out from underneath me.

I really can't just leave.

But.... itsovernow - why are you even engaging with him on whose money it is? When he brings it up about paying his money to test it. Just agree! OK! Let's test it and get it over with! Agree with him. Honey - you're right. We should test it. It will be so much better. Tell him YOU are fine with letting it go, but if it makes HIM feel better then BY ALL MEANS he can test it. THEN DROP IT. It sounds like part of you is bantering back with him just a little and this is not going to work in your favor. When he lobs you a tennis ball.. don't hit it back. Eventually, he will stop trying to play.

If you have a Discover card, then you should be able to get cash back using it. My Discover allows cash back with a pin number. Use the card to get money out, and leave with your children when the time is right.

You do have options, if you think outside of the box. Good luck

An exit plan is a must. I cannot emphasize the importance of intensive planning.

You need short-term goals and long-term goals. Safety is paramount. Start collecting important documents like tax returns, pay stubs, birth certificates, etc. Make copies and store them at a friend's.

Start snagging cash. Return grocery items for cash if you have to. Get maintenance done to your car now while you still have access to money. Think tires, brakes, routine stuff.

Step back for just a minute, take a deep breath, and THINK. Then plan. Do not react. Plan.

You need short-term goals and long-term goals. Safety is paramount. Start collecting important documents like tax returns, pay stubs, birth certificates, etc. Make copies and store them at a friend's.

I have no friends to store this stuff at. I just haven't had time build friendships since my husband is always there.

Start snagging cash. Return grocery items for cash if you have to. Get maintenance done to your car now while you still have access to money. Think tires, brakes, routine stuff.

I can save cash, but there isn't going to be much of it. I only have the small amount I make on ebay. The car is totally maintained and was just serviced however my husband pays the paymnent on it. If I take it I'll lose it.

If you have a Discover card, then you should be able to get cash back using it. My Discover allows cash back with a pin number. Use the card to get money out, and leave with your children when the time is right.

The interest rate would be insane. I don't want to get myself in trouble.

If I leave with the kids, he may be able to get me for kidnapping. I'm not sure of the law thats why if I am going to go this route, I'll have to do this legally and talk to a lawyer. Someone gave me a number for one and I'll keep it. I just don't want to do anything that would cause me any more problems then I already have. My husbands mother, for example, has been divorced 3 times and she was dragging her ex to court every other day it seemed. She even accused him of all types of things to make life hard for him. He wasn't a great husband but she definitly made life hard for him.

My husband learned this, he may do it to me if I leave.

ITSOVERNOW,

Hearing the fear of your husband in your posts breaks my heart. It sounds as though he has beaten you down for so long that you feel you are worthless.

That is so wrong. You are a loving mother of 5, wow that has to be tough. You are surely a strong woman. You need to get that in your head dear. NO MAN IS WORTH THIS. PERIOD.

The other posters are right. You really need to convince him that you don't care about the undies anymore. Convince him you let it go and it's over. I don't think there is anything gained by testing anyway. Even if they tested positive he would deny, and if somehow they test negative then he would throw it in your face forever. You lose either way. It's not enough proof. You need more.

You lose either way. It's not enough proof. You need more.

Yes, I agree.

This is my 50th post, what gets unlocked?