SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OH what a load of crap! LAst night we went to visit the in-laws because sister-in-law with grankids in town. At the end of the evening he is sitting on the couch across form me and says, "What have aI done now?" I say what do you mean. He says you alwayws look at melike that now. Well, of fucking course I do ! You've f'd up bg time! Cutting the grass an cooking dinner a couple of times, goign to breakfast, and asking me what I want to do, doesn't get you shit mister!

I'm goign swimming and then might visit the in-laws again as they are leaving tommorrow. I really don't want to see him right now. And I am smoking in the basment fuck him. why should I honor these changes when he can't fucking unlock his phone! Fuck him.

Ok Gang, just wanted to give you an update.

I've been getting intouch with my anger as you have seen and had another good counseling session.

I am starting to implement boundaries and also, expectations - that is I must be treated with respect. Period!

No longer playing into passive-agressive games.

I will no longer cater to his victim attitude. So fucking what if I get angry - deal with it mister. You suppossedly are in it? Well, then be fucking IN IT! No more half-ass shit. Oh he is in so much pain - how can I doubt him? How can I say that he doesn't love me? What a crock of shit. Oh, he's been in pain for years - oh really? like I HAVEN"T? Get your head out of your ass. Well suck it up mister b/c now my needs need to be met.

I started this on Wed. after therapy meeting and after having another talk with his family. They have noticed how crappy he is treating me and they advised to see a lawyer and lay it on the line with him.

I am taking back control. Either be the MAN you are suppossed to be or get out. I already told him that if he is so unhappy that he can go and I will understand. I told him when I hear 'I'm still here' - what I hear is "I haven't left - YET - but I just may do that." Fuck that you are in or out - no more whishy washy shit. I'm done with that. YOu love me? Well, say you love me - period. If I say it's good to see you - don't not answer - or say some shit like "Oh, I don't think so." Called him on that one yesterday. It's all bullshit, manipulation and no more. YOu space out, get quiet - nope, no more- bringing you back boy. Did that yesterday as well. You MUST be a active participant. No more pitty party for you.

Change is here big boy either deal with it or get out.

Oh so much stuff....

Looking forward to my counseling session this Wed. Can't wait!

Went to the out of state wedding on Saturday. I lovely drive from hell! Cramped in the back seat. Had a major depression hit me on trip - had to take a couple of zanax during the 8 hour ride to remain straight. Had a lovely fantasy about just leaving, walking away, getting in car and starting my life somewhere else. May still do it, leaving the divorce papers on the counter, with a signed quit deed. He can have everything so I can get out.

Rummaged through my jewerly box that I had never unpacked. Put all the gold jewerly I had accommulated into a bag - lol not a whole hell of a lot, but it's something. Will sell it off - that's on the list.

Told him that I was "done" with the emotional conversations - I am. so let's see - no more crying in front of him- done. no-more what if he leaves me thinking- who cares today just starting on this one. Getting started on boundaries - all this week. Need to do some real hard core thinking about min. boundaries. Have not been gettgin dragged into his guilt ridden thinking or his thinking behaviors which make him into a vitim.

Ok didn't realize the time. I spent most of my morning looking at the posts from veterans. Good stuff- getting myself there... slowly but surely I hope.

Ok got to run....

Does anyone have a VAR they are not using that I could use?

I believe I almost caught WS having a conversation with HER yesterday when I came home to let my dog out before I went to my Emergency Counseling Appointment. He's phone was half out of his pocket, then it began to ring while we were talking, when I asked he was going to get it he said no b/c he was restting. Then at the end of our conversation he went to bathroom, and told him I was going to doctor's appointment, like you are not changing clothes?

I have been a fool, a marionnette.

My was so messed up yesterday. I woke up crying from my sleep and thoughts of all the things he has said to me, things he has NOT SAID nor done that I could barely contain my composure at work.

All these things - the one that gets me the most is - "How could you doubt my love - after everything I've done for you? All the sacrafices I've made for you? I've lived my life for you!

I have a friend - just a friend. What can't I have a friend? All I have done is worked my ass off to pay these bills. I think you are just using me because I am not a selfish person. It doesn't matter if I love you because you always doubt me - how can I say I love you because of the horrible things you have accussed me of? I don't know why I am still here considering

all of your accusations." and the latest one "I can't change your feelings. If that's the way you feel, then that's the way you feel. They are your feelings."

I no longer know when he is lying or telling me the truth.

I guess you can use my pain as an example for others what happens when you doubt your gut, when you allow yourself to believe what shouldn't be believed, what the pain and the trauma can do to a pysche when you fail to see the truth. When I re-read what others have written me from this place I "get" it.

Let's just take it the other way.... let's just say it is just a friend does his behavior make any logical sense? no.

If my best friend was in this much pain, wouldn't I do everything in my power to take this pain AWAY? If my friend was delusional and thought there were aliens living in my cell phone - wouldn't I hand her/him the phone and say - "Look dear there are no aliens in the phone?"

"Hello My name is ShiftingSand and I am a co-dependent, denial Queen, unable to move past my childhood abandonment issues, accepted blame for what I shouldn't because I BELIEVED that I didn't deserve to be loved."

Today I am feeling pretty numb. On the fence about everything.

Two days ago H brought in enough money to have the AC replaced. His cousins will be over tommorrow to do the install.

Last night I decided to just get on with my life and do lots of job searching this morning, but I ended up here.

The weekend was painful - literally since I injured myself at work and then on Sunday had to go to the ER to have my eye checked out. It's ok, but looks like I have a bruise on my eye. Lucily the edge of the tropical plant just cut the inside of my eyelid and missed my eyeball. Whew! Thank god I had been wearing my eye glasses. But I lost 3 hours of pay while I was at ER. Went over to the in-laws on Sunday night.

I keep wanting hard evidence. For an hour I don't care, then the next two hours I am in anxiety, then I don't care again.

ON the bill front, I finally paid up the electric bill! But am behind on my student loans now. Sigh.

Have therapy this afternoon. Have no idea what I am going to talk about since I am so blah today. Guess we will talk about that - ha! Ok trying to muster up the energy to start cleaning the basement area out for the a/c removal and install tommorrow.

Well, I'm back again. Hurting, confused, angry and WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY?!

I am back to taking my Zanax daily as of a couple of days ago.

In therapy we have been leading up to the confrontation - you know the one you all talk about being willing to lose the marriage inorder to save it.

Last week or two weeks ago- god it seems like forever ago his father came and help my WH do some yard work and I was able to copy all the phone logs that he dug out of the trash from my first failed confrontation and he had been keeping in his briefcase. Why he saved them IDK.

Any clue on that one?

So, now I have all the phone log copies of his and her calls for the last year (that I didn't know about until mid April). I also found out some information on how to get his old laptop functioning - which was on the list, he was using it when I had no idea anything was going on. Trying to save up a couple of dollars to buy the equipment to read the drive because it won't boot up, which is why he stopped using it or maybe he whiped the drive - IDK.

And then contemplating very hard getting a VAR to install in the sunroom room because I came home one day early from work and his phone was half out of his pocket and someone called right as we were talking and he didn't want to pick up the phone because "he was resting." Yeah, right.

But then I had the momentarily lapse saying to myself OK you are getting too paranoid here. Mid week, he comes home with a new cell phone. I lose it, I tell him what is he doing? Why didn't he even tell me he was htinking of getting a new phone, why didn't we go shopping together! "Oh your contract isn't up.. I went tothe cabinet and pulled out the contract. It was. I told him I was still emotionally stuck in July when he took off, that we hadnt actually finished that work. I tell him about the facebook page and his "interested in women, then he freaking says, oh I thought we can put anything on there, did you want me to put intersted in men? I aid, I wanted you to put Married! He says everyone who knows me knows that I am married. It was just circles and then he said, I will take the whole thing off itf it bothers you so much, I tell him I'm just asking for you to change your maritial status. I said, what is up with this girl? He said I am with you. You don't see me flying up there do you? I told him don't say that oh you dont'see me driving there - because you ALREADY did that! He got quiet. I said, so you emotional attached to her? He said I'm not emotionally attached to anyone! I said are you attracted to her - he says I DOn't know. I dont' even remember what else we talked about. He said the phone isn't even acticvated yet.

Next day is saturday, I come home and the phone bag is gone and I thought, thank god! But then I look in the cabinet and there is the phone box, so he's made a switch. I'm pissed he says, what's happened you were fine I'm checking my tires, what's goign on. I tell him I have therapy homework that involves you and you are probably not going to like it. We get inside and so I ask him, what the status is of our relationship - are we working on it or not. He feels that he can't do anything right, I misinterpt every thing he says that he has to translate everything in his head before he talks to me and still whatever he says gets me mad. He said, I thought you were getting better with your anxiety from counseling. I told him, What? what do you think I have anxiety about? US! that's what. I ask him to please come to therapy as it would be so much easier to talk about this. He says, "Now, I HAVE TO GO TO THERAPY?" Like this is punishment or I am imposing such a hardship on him. I said, Well, I don't know where we are - are we on solid ground or on shifting sand? He says, "What now you are asking this - we've been on shifting sand for YEARS!" I am blown away by this. He says, "I can do nothing right! No matter what I do it's not the right thing, or say the right thing." He tells me "You know i have a min. wage job. Don't you think I know that I can't support you the way you want me to." That flips me out and I say to him very directly with lost of gestures, with tears in my eyes - it HAS NEVER been about money - the house, whatever! I has ALWAYS been about YOU and ME making it in teh world. Nothing else! I don't care about the HOUSE, about THINGs, Just You and ME! But I don't know where we are - if we were not like this you know that trip && wanted you to take to California to fix his sister's house. I wouldn't have been bothered because I knew we were solid." Then he says, "Oh what now i can't take a trip!" Totally twists it around on me. I said, that's not what I said - he said "Oh, yes you did!"

I've been telling you for years I was unhappy. You promised me that after you graduated that you would stop smoking, and we would go out dancing and we haven't done that. Instead you've spent all your time downstairs on the computer, smoking and playing games, working every weekend you gave up. And so I gave up too. How do you think it made me feel that you didn't even know when I came home, didn't even come upstairs to see me, some times I didn't see you for days. But I stayed. Then you got sick a lot. I have a cold heart for someone who doesn't even try. ALl I have ever said to you is to take care of yourself, but you think I am just nagging you. But I am the one that has to put up with it. I've always treated you with respect, I don't call you names ... I felt like I just work for you and that has caused me a lot of resentment. But you can blame me all you want." I told him I don't blame him, I told him - Oh it was really respectful when you took off and didn't even call me that you weren't coming home.

We took a break then. Later he said, "I feel like I just screwed up again. Soon, you are going to kick me out of the house." I told him, "well this phone thing and this girl .. well..." Then he retorted "You just told me you were going to kick me out of the house!" I didn't respond hell, there has got to be a f'ing limit! anyway, I ask the last question from the therapist - is the goal of our marriage to still grow old together or what? He said, Well, not like this. I said, "if we are working on it then it won't be like this." Then he said, "I am going to bite myself for saying this but yes."

Ok. So, now we are sending daily photos, talking on phone, texting and then whammo I get the mail and there is a ticket from NEw York. I say, whoa we got a ticket driving to that wedding in New York. I open it. Nope, it was a ticket he got on July 5th driving back from somewhere over a bridge in New York! I go looking for his banking statement and had pondered about opening it earlier in the week by steaming it, but after I got this ticket I just ripped it open and saw all the gas charges all the way to MASS. Looked up the last gas charge and it is only a mile or so from where this "we are just friends" girl lives.

Now back on the Zanax, very sad, WH asks what's wrong and I can't tell him. He thinks it's because I wanted to go out and have some fun but he is working. He makes the effort to hug and kiss me, same thing at night.

He sends me picture in the morning Monday. he says hes not working tonight and he says he's going to take care of dinner.

I'm at work at the end of my shift and talking to a friend about him, possibility of divorce, work and all kinds of things. She leaves and then I see him standing at the counter looking mad. I feel horrible! Maybe he heard all those things about how I was feeling like maybe a divorce, keepign track of stuff ect. everything here. He doesn't say goodbye after check out. I get home and he's got a drink. I say hello and say, Ah I think I'll ahve a drink too.

I come on deck and he is very distant. I ask him if he is ok. He is weird. I think he over heard me and feel badly. I tell him that i was talking to her and he said he didn't come up because that was my coworker and I said, he looked mad. I told him I talked to her about us, her daughter and work.. Hoping that if he overheard me that he would talk about it. Then he started talking about the drink he made me, if it was too strong, I said no. And then he said, well you will know why you end up in the ER. I said, What? He says you never know. He's drink is finished. I go inside with him, he is making another drink. I say another. Are you sure you are ok, you never have two drinks... Then he is all over me like what I can't have a drink? He pours his out in teh sink, then asks if I want a plate or bowl for dinner as it is done. I say I don't care a plate and then he says, I don't know what you want..He says, He's not doign anything except working. I make you coffee, dinner and I'm home but it's not enough... You drink a pot of coffee and you don't drink any water you are dehydrated. I am like what? He says, I give up. I don't know what the hell just happened. And I give up too, say Sorry I ruined your evening... everything was tense for most of the night while we were sitting on the couch. He gave me the remote and said, I'm just flipping. I said, I don't want the remote just your hand. i took his hand later I put his arm around me and after a while I could see he was getting uncomfortable and I said, you alright. He said, I can't tell you because then you think I don't want to put my arm around you, I just have to live with it. I said, well I don't want you to be in pain. Later he gets up and goes to hammock I ask him if he wants me to rub his arm and he says, it's ok. I am trying to drag what is going on out of him, he finally says that his arm went numb.

I go walk dog. we go to bed. He holds my hand.

This morning he sends me sunrise photos and good morning baby, happy birthday baby and have wonderful day. I text him back thanks so much! for photos, beaturiful sunrise and that makes my day. I send him photo of picture outside not as pretty, but his photos warm my heart and give me hope.

Ihaven't heard back from him. He could be in ameeting or doing something. I check facebook and see that he is not on there. So, I am back to being a mess again, if I ever was on track I've definately back slid. Tommorrow is our anniversary. Don't know what holds for us.

I am confused I was planning this big discussion with info about the ticket, phone logs, his bill, and whatever information I could get off the computer - but I feel like whatever advantage I had just went down the tubes. I am getting text messages from my friends this norning but eveyrtinme I look at the phone I am dissappointed because I just want to hear from him.

I hate this roller coaster of emotions, and before some tells me teh pain will stop when you stop it. I know Ijust can't seem to stop myself. I feel so badly. And why do I feel so guilty even if he over heard me?

At this point you two are so far away from an honest, authentic relationship that I have to ask - why bother?

You are *afraid*(for lack of a better word) to confront him with your suspicions/proof. He refuses to open up to you. Plays all warm & fuzzy with a few texts - but what has really changed since this merry-go-round ride started? How long can you hang on before you are too dizzy and fall off?

I'm glad you are in counseling, what progress have you made? He refuses counseling. I don't see the two of you getting anywhere if he continues to refuse. At the very least, you both need to learn how to communicate honestly. For example, I would bet your H's love language is Acts of Service - he makes dinner, coffee, - to him he is saying "SEE! I love you!" But you are seeing "big whoop he made coffee, I could make it myself..."

That example is small, but shows just how far apart your communication is.

How long are you willing to live like this? Because until you put limits on how much you are willing to put up with, nothing will change. He needs to go to counseling? Tell him it's non-negotiable. And be ready to make that consequence firm. You need to be ready to let him go - He's already got a foot out the door. Make him choose.

I haven't confronted him beause I fear my life will be nothing without him.

That I have failed in another aspect of my life and I am a failure. That I can not see myself clear of this. I start to make a plan but can not follow through. I feel pathetic and dependent.

I am overwhelmed with medical bills, student loans, and house bills. I start cover letters for jobs but can't finish them because I feel I can't do anything like i used to and I don't move forward. I look for jobs and I say, Oh I can do that... and then suddendly relealize oh I don't have that skill so I shouldn't even apply.

The therapist says that I am suppossed to work on my non-negiotatables and right now - hell I don't have any! That's the problem.

I recognize now that I have been sufferring from depression since I graduated and haven't been able to pull myself out of it. I've used my volunteer work as a distraction, got a roommate to help with the bills (who now has had surgery and hasn't paid rent in weeeks), got a crappy job just to have money coming in and sometimes feel overwhelmed with that job even and left the rest of the financial responsibility to my husband. Who carried the burden but is now resentful. I've done this stuff and now I feel horrible and can't get myself out of it.

By the time I leave therapy I feel put together, but then as the days go by I fall back into my hole of depression and sadness and co-depency on my husband. I am really messed up. And so I ask myself - why should he even pick me? He shouldn't. That's why I don't ask. Because in my heart I know I don't deserve him, I should count my blessings that he's actually stayed with me this long. How can I blame him? WHo wants to stay with a woman who can't get her act together, is so needy and dependent? It's unattractive. Hell, I hate the way I have become. But I am having a hard time changing myself into that attractive, independent woman. I KNOW I am the one that HAS to do the WORK, no one else can do it for me. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.

Today is our anniversary and I am ambivalent as I am sure he is as well. For my birthday we went to the movies and dinner. We held hands and it was almost ok, but he spaced out a bit over a dinner and wouldn't let me in. He woke up late this morning - actually I woke him up because he was going to be late. I got up and fed the dog and put his lunch in his box that I made last night (something I've started to do again- act of service) He kept tell me it's ok, you don's need to do this. That depressed me. He huged and kissed me. Then at the door, hug and kiss, wishing me a good day off but nothing about our anniversary as I was waiting for it. Last night I had to go by bread because my dog has figured out a way to open the pantry and I looked at the anniversary cards, but couldnt choose one. I wanted to put it in his lunch box so he would find it. But then was angry and so I couldn't do it. NOw I feel badly twice because i didn't do anything and he didn't say happy anniversary. Last night when we went to bed, he said he was sorry that my birthday was so small, just him and I told him that's all I ever wanted anyway.

Wow. Nothing different for three months. How can you stand it? Is this really better than being alone?

He's actively cheating, if I understand your posts and didn't miss anything. And you feel bad that you didn't put a nice anniversary card in his lunch? Do you not see how wrong that is?

You deserve so much better. And you would be so much better off alone, even with debt, no money, and all, that living like you have for the past three months. He's killing you and you are allowing it.

Do something to help yourself.

I have to agree with Sudra above me. I've read this entire thread and three months later nothing has changed. You are right that nothing changes until you say so. He is doing his thing and is comfortable having it both ways at this time. You need to follow your therapists advice and get your non negotiables out there or accept life as it is now. You are in a holding pattern with fear but putting one foot in front of the other is a start. Write down your boundaries such as full transparency and demand it. You are worth far more then this! If you continue as is nothing will ever change. Why not start now? The very start to R is transparency and NC. Will he let you look at his phone calls, texts, and emails?

You can do this but you've got to make some forward movement with this or nothing changes.

I just spent about an hour reading your posts. I empathize with you. I really do. But I get the impression that you are not going to leave your H. You said that you come from an abusive background? We are drawn to what we know - to what's familiar from our earliest days - even if it feels bad. Your husband is abusing you. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to leave him. But, as I said, it doesn't seem like you're headed in that direction. So, aside from that, the very best thing that you can do for yourself is to stay in therapy (ideally, with an analyst, and more than once a week).

It's almost as if you are addicted to the volatility of the feelings of being in this relationship (the "emotional roller coaster"). There is a part of your unconscious that wants to feel this way. You are angry at him and say you're going to leave (this is the last straw!), and then you immediately thereafter feel guilt, pity and make excuses for him. (He had a rough life. He feels "less than" because of his cultural background.) Some people call this codependency. You can find a lot of information about it online. It's a tough pattern to break, but a hellish one to live out. (I know from experience.)

The bottom line is that there is no excuse for abusive behavior.

Yes,

Update ... planned the "non-negiotatables talk yesterday evening, but before i could do it - was interrupted again, by family and another surprise Birthday party for niece.

Yes, he is actively cheating and I found the evidence I needed from looking at his cell phone - a call message from someone asking him "baby, would you like to have dinner with me." No, still has password protected, still blaming me for everything, good days and bad days - days where I think things are improving and moving forward and then that nagging feeling - so I checked the phone.

So, for me it's over. Took the wedding right off this morning. Having a friend come over this morning. I may take the day off to get my head straight since i'm going to be broke anyway, probably loose the house and whatever. I guess I just need to get it over with and start packing my shit up.

Friend came over, I cried, I did all the usual stuff. And now am numb and very tired. I called the therapist to see if I could get an appointment today at my friend's urging. Waiting on that.

I'm pretty sure that he will not agree to any of my non-negiatables which are:

complete transparancy -

a. phone password,

b. facebook and whatever else he has been doing

c. no contact/ stop whatever it is.

d. IC

e. admiting to inappropriate relationships

I have already asked for these things and he said no before, and denied. So, I am ending it I guess.

So, the last half of the consequences, if any of these choices are not acceptable to you then I must acknowledge that your choice is not to work on saving our marriage at this time. Because I love you too much to share you with another woman or women, I will no choice but to seriously consider filing for divorce and asking you to leave because no matter how much I love you - I can't make you love me or want to be with only me.

What will be the details. He says, no the phone is mine. ect. So, I say, "well, that is truly I am sorry that you feel that way because I really, really hoped we could work it out. Should I help you pack?"

or soemthing like that.

now I just know I am setting myself up for him packing up his stuff, and me being homeless.

Well, the shit is out of the bag. I survived it.

Probably just the tip of it! ha knowning how much crap is thrown around in the infidelity arena and from my own WAYWARD (FkngBastardSonof aB,FBFB) h. for how long? YEARS! multiples!

Whatever. I am just exhausted. I was very lucky that I was able to do my confrontation about the text message I found in the therapist office. Yes, he went with me. I guess he could no longer take the guilt.

anyway - too mcuh to process, write about right now. I had the help of my next door neighbor after the therapy session and my friend Nancy came over for a bit. But after a bit I just couldn't stand them talking or them asking me questions, it was too much.

So much shit!!! YEars and years of lies! I thought he forgave me for that one dreadful night- six years ago, but he DIDN"T, he never did .... he lied and lied and lied said it was ALL a LIE! I killed the marriage! I did it! I should be on the wayward side not here - ... I fucking begged him on my goddamned hands and knees, threw myself at his mercy 6 years ago. YEARS of trying, years of repentence, years of never asking anything for myself because I didn't deserve it ... and all that while he was getting his needs met elsewhere!

He even had the gall to say that he AGREED to get married (- rather than wanted to get married which was over 11 years ago!) Oh I know this shit!

I need sleep - only a couple of hours of it last night. Need to work tommorrow. Don't know if I can go to sleep. I will be going over to my neighbor's soon just to be with a person right now.

Sweetie, I know how hard this has been for you and I know the struggles you have endured. This is not what you wanted to happen. I know you tried for a very long time to work on strengthening your relationship, but your H was just not willing to do his bit.

I am unclear about what happened 6 years ago, but if I read correctly that you had an affair? If so, then you are saying that he never has been able to forgive you for that? Did you do counseling after that? If he has had unresolved issues for so long, why did he not say anything earlier, so what he has done is said to himself if you can do it then I can too. It really is a no win situation for anyone. There is so much hurt in your relationship and really it needed to come out. This may be the turning point for the both of you. Sending you strength and courage to get through this, one way or the other and sending you many hugs.

It's all the same stuff that I said in my very original post- the reasons why he stopped loving me. That I couldn't get a job after I graduated, that he stopped believing in us, in me and that his life was going to be providing a paycheck. That I didn't love or respect him. That he didn't want to get married, but couldn't bring himself to tell me. Basically that I have ruined his life. That's why whatever I did to try to make him happy, would never work, would never last because he never cared. Many years ago, I asked him why he was so nice to me when we were at his family, but then was cold and distant at home - why he wasn't like that with me at home. It was because he was faking it. I thought it was all me that I had done something wrong to make him mad.

8 years ago, when I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have surgery lost ovary and fallopian tube, he left me in the hospital to go to work.

on top of all this crap my tooth abcess is coming back and I don't have any money to go to the dentist.

It doesn't matter any more, I feel like a whinning idiot. I was so stupid. I actually thought he loved me. He didn't. He never did. It was all a lie... our entire marriage! Hell, our entire relationship! I thought I was living a fairly tale life - lol I guess I forgot there is always an evil protagnanist - I just never expected it to be the man I loved and adored.

Guess it is time for me to go through all of my shit and see what I can sell to make some money and throw the rest away. What a waste of a life.

I feel so angry with your WH. Why do that to someone? Why waist years of people's lives if you dont love them or even care for them? What kind of person does this? You tried everything to make it work and he was like nahhh couldnt be bothered. He should have been a real man and said I dont want to continue with the marriage.How hurtful to find this out and now have to deal with all the rest of the crap of separation and D. Well at least you know now, he is a spineless cheat. I am certain you can do much better than him.

As you said time to start preparing for the next phase. So very very sorry.

Two very crappy nights. Last night I slept in the spare bedroom. Two nights ago I took off my wedding ring and it sits where I left it on the dinning room coffee table.

I was in the middle of the discussion of the 180 and had planned on asking HIM to move into the spare bedroom - when he started to respond to what I have been saying that we need help, if we are to stay in this relationship. and then it all went sideways on me -

He says, what you want me to change? I do not understand. I say, I don't understand. I just want the loving husband back. He says, so you want me to change. I say, you say it like you never were. he says, "yes I was but you killed me with what you did. You want me to give you a second chance? Is that it? You have to love yourself first. I gave you my whole heart. Do you remember what you promised me?"

Apprently, there were these tests that I had to go through - that I had to recall these promises that I had made to him years ago, I don't remember - I really don't I just am trying to stay alive right now. I told him, I don't know what you are talking about. Just tell me, and then he said I reminded you of them twice this month... I am totally clueless - just three days ago you tell me that you just "agreed" to marry me, have been unhappy for our entire relationship and now you want me to remember what I said to you 6 years ago????

That's it for me, I can't take it. I know there is nothing more I can do. Nothing. I get up take off my wedding ring and I am going, just leaving right this very minute, I go into the kitchen and grab my coat. He follows me and says "why are you going out to smoke?" I said, "I'm not, Im leaving." He stops me, pulls me into him - I said, I can't love myself - I have never forgiven myself for what I did to you, I hate myself. I am a broken person." I am sobbing at this point. In between the sobs I say - You expect me to know things about how normal families are - I don't - I really don't because I didn't have a normal family, I was beaten, starved, raped, unwanted and unloved. I know that I don't deserve to be loved. I know that I don't deserve a second chance. All these years I knew you didn't love me anymore and I didn't deserve your love. That's why I never asked anything from you, I never bought any new clothes, I never spent any of your money on myself, didn't get my hair cut - cut it myself, never went anywhere, always called you to tell you where I was, always sat at home waiting for you because I wanted you to know that I wasn't "doing anything". I am a shell of a person now. I kept thinking if I did this or that, maybe you would love me again. I KNOW everything is MY FAULT. I don't blame you for ANYTHING.I know that if you choose to give me a second chance - it's a gift I do not deserve." I probably said so much more. I don't remember. I remember saying that I hate myself so much now that I don't even feel that I am worthy of another job, that I can't even apply for jobs because I do not feel competent to do anything else.

For the first time in years, he hugged me with what I thought was love, held me,kissed me. We were exhausted we went to bed. I held his hand. In the morning I received a text from him. Saying, "Good morning babe. I don't know if this morning is good, but I wanted to say good morning".

I text back with tears in my eyes, "Good morning. It's always a good morning when I hear from you."

I think maybe we are goign to be ok now, but no he texts back

"hows work are you busy?"

Not only did he not respond to my kind words - which he hasn't for 6 months now - anytime I say things like I miss him, or I'm happy to hear from him - he never returns the favor - my words just lay there like a piece of dead wood at his feet which he ignores. He also forgot that my work schedule has been changed for over a week and half so that I am not even at work yet.

So, I know nothing has changed. I am hurt and angry. I text back. "I am not doing this anymore. Where I say nice things and you do not respond to them. And I pretend that you did not say anything nice back to me."

He texts back. "ok. have a nice day."

I am dead inside. I'm exhausted - I get through work. But of course, I can not let this text stand. I apologize. "I am sorry. You texted me this morning out of kindness and I responded back with anger and hurt. I do not deserve, even a good morning from you. Do not tell me it's ok, because it's not. I am sorry."

He texts back. "you have every right to be angry with me and all that you have said to me."

It no longer matters - i just degraded myself by doing that text.

I come home and he's back to doing everything - dishes put away, brought me dinner... whatever, it no longers matters to me anymore. I go walk dog. I can barely eat. He says he is going to get half and half. I am relieved that I do not have see him. I am barely functioning. I move my alarm clock, pillow and CPAP machine to the spare bedroom. It's 8 p.m. I go to sleep. About an hour later, he finds me in spare bedroom - syas, what are you doing? I said, "sleeping". He is standing there. I can barely see I say "what do you want from me?" He says, "i dont understand". I said, "I should have moved in here years ago." He leaves. I sleep till 3 am. Can't sleep anymore. Fed and walk teh dog. Go get some smokes. Smoke in the parking lot at the supermarket. Come home, leave note "fed and walked dog". And sleep some more till 8 am.

I know that his last text was an apology, but I need more now. That I had to go to that extereme just to get a response from him - leaves me numb. I know I shouldn't have moved out of the bedroom, but I needed sleep. I didn't want to worry about rolling over and accidentally touching him, or that my CPAP would blow on him (he constantly complains about the air blown on him). I just needed sleep. I still need sleep. I haven't really slept since April.

I am still numb. Don't worry. I will be better. I am grieving the loss of a relationship that has been dead for years. If he wants to save it - that's his choice. But for now, I'm grieving and thinking of me now. No more texting. No more! The wedding ring, stays where it is.

I need to shower for work.

In the morning I received a text from him. Saying, "Good morning babe. I don't know if this morning is good, but I wanted to say good morning".

I text back with tears in my eyes, "Good morning. It's always a good morning when I hear from you."

I think maybe we are goign to be ok now, but no he texts back

Oh my gosh. Don't put ANY stock in a lame text, and certainly don't think your entire marriage is going to be ok simply because he texted good morning to you.

Your problem is blinding, all-encompassing HOPE. Your hope is so intense that it causes you to see things that aren't there and hear things that aren't being said and to assume things that JUST AREN'T HAPPENING.

You desperately need to get rid of the hope or it's going to crush you.

I feel really bad. You're like a puppy that keeps approaching someone and gets kicked, then turns around and approaches that person again, only get kicked again and again and again and again.

Please, for your sake. Just stop.

Hi shiftingsands, my heart goes out to you, I cried reading your post.

He stopped you from leaving, why?

He went to one counseling session with you did you ask him to go to your following counseling session?

He does not want to change by the look of things. He is still holding on to the hurt from so many years ago, he should have gone to therapy, instead he kept it bottled up inside and projected his anger onto you.

I think it will come down to you saying if you dont want to change I cant live like this anymore I will be moving out.

So sorry sweetie for all your hurt, this is such a difficult time for you, sending you many hugs.