SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OMG, did you just not want to say FUCK OFF WITH THE SPANISH ALREADY?? He is, indeed, rewriting history. It's like there is a handbook, I swear.

Another way to look at it: you would not take this shit off a friend. You would cut that loser loose! He is supposed to be your best friend and he is treating you like his worst enemy. HE has a girlfriend and he wants YOU to kiss HIS ass??!! You need to find your anger. Not to take the anger out on him, but find it because it will stiffen your spine and help you find those boundaries. Help you MAKE them.

Please go get Love Must Be Tough. It will help you (don't be put off by the fact it's James Dobson--it's valuable whether you are religious or not).

The 180 is for you and you only. It's to help you detach and make a happier life for yourself. It's a shortcut through the pain because the faster you detach, the sooner you can start to heal. It's a life raft to keep you from drowning in all this surreal bullshit.

I know you want your husband back, or who you thought he was. Work on getting YOU back, the YOU you were before he somehow convinced you that it's ok for him to treat you like shit and you keep trying to make peace. You need to find an IC. If money is an issue, there are low cost and sliding scale ones out there.

Try this for 1 week. Just for 1 week. Do everything on that 180 list. Use it in every situation. Pull back from him. Discuss only what you HAVE to discuss, like if the power company is going to shut you down (if you are unsure if you have to talk to him or just want to, ask yourself, Would the SI board agree I need to talk to him about this? If the answer is "hell no" then don't talk to him!) Do NOT extend olive branches, do not be the first one to speak, do not let him back in your bed. You need space to heal and you can't heal with a lying cheater in your bed. One of the best things you can do in a situation like this is speak less than the other person and never speak first. Just sit back and let HIM fill those silences. But don't seek out silences for him to fill. You are busy and important!! Even if you don't feel important. Look busy! Spend as little time as possible in his company. Let him wonder what YOU are doing for a change (but not to control his behavior, just because it will be damn satisfying for YOU!!!)

If you have anxious downtime, spend it on the computer looking for dream jobs...just see what is out there. Look at apartments in different cities...just see what is out there. Maybe just fantasize a little about what your ideal life looks like...and then just see what is out there. Occupy yourself with stuff that is YOU-centered (NO LEARNING OF SPANISH!!!! Comprende???)

See how you feel after that 1 week. You have tried (and tried) (and tried) (and tried) your way and you still feel hollowed out and hopeless and he is still acting like a shit you can't change. See how you feel after a week of full-time 180. Don't allow yourself to backslide. You are in control of that (even if it doesn't feel like it when we are emotional!) Just do it for one week--right now, just one week is all you have to worry about.

180. IC. Picturing a new life that makes you happy (you may have no idea what that would even look like anymore, after spending so much time living with someone where life is all about HIM) and investigating the steps you can take to get there.

You CAN do this. Hugs!!

[This message edited by inknots at 9:05 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Ok.. God, I sure wish I had read your post INkspot BEFORE what I did yesterday.

God, why can't I just f+++ let go! I've become a desperate - "please love me woman!" WTF? I'm so confused, so not right in my head. I totally need larifty. I get it the 180 will help me achieve that. I am so confused I don't know which way is up any more.

I just need to focus on me. I've been reading the other posts on here with others and their situations. And I see the same advise each time. I see the WS as detached, as saying mean things, blaming the partner, and I see the betrayed going through the same things I am . I see the same emotions - fear, loss, grief, pain, confusion - the same things trying to get them back by intiating dialogue, trying to make things work, doing all sorts of things. The same back sliding, the depression, the denials (some admit others don't) "You can't control me". OMG when I read that I nearly fell out of my chair! It's all been said and done before hasn't it? We are so predictable. Crap I have to get to work early to put an order in. Unfortunately, I won't be able to post at work but I will continue to check the board here and I will be reading and re-reading your posts throughout the day to give me strength!

Thank you so much! Please continue to post - you all are so helping me to stay sane!

Hello. It's me again!

Yesterday H decided that he was going to be nice I guess. Or really, if I think about it participate. He just probably feels guilty maybe who knows about all the emotional crap he dumped on me Wed. He texted me in the morning and actually intiated a conversation - rather than just "how are you? I'm ok thanks." Which is the extent of our texting.

When I came home, he had coffee brewing, and cooking dinner. I had to walk dog. He actually waited to eat with me! Whoa! lol... We sat on couch and ate dinner together - he tried to get me to critize his meal, like he did last time - which I didn't buy into because it was really good and when he asked told him so. After dinner he retreated to the sun room to lay in his hammock. I DID NOT go follow him. Instead did my stretches - I was really tight and tired yesterday probably because I didn't sleep worth crap. Anyway, He invited me to the lake to watch sunset which I did because I can no longer stand to be in the house after work - too anxious. I did not take his hand which I have always done while we walk. He actually asked a follow-up question on "how was your day?" aand asked "what did you do?" I told him that I had trouble focusing on my tasks in the morning and had to take an anxiety pill which really helped. I will no longer hide how what he has done has affected me. I told him about the first two hours of my day and saw him tune out. So, I stopped talking abt it. I didn't fill in the spaces and was able to just relax and watch the people go by mostly... only because of the Zanax which at this point was making me really really tired. Had to rebandage the dog because he had opened up his cut again while we were out. Then I told him going to deck for smoke and will probably be back in 20 minutes to go to bed. Journaled and saw that he had already gone up to bed. Which pissed me off b/c saying good night is important to me. I was in bed before him and out like a light.

LOL I only have a few minites to write more but wanted to put down some of the crap he told me on wednesday after I intiated a conversation with him, I caught myself being passive/agressive and acknoweldged it to him _ not that he deserved it but that I need to become aware of what the helll I am doing. Trying to own my behavior and make me more grounded. So, he decided he was going to unload some more crap on me - which I have to admit I was really good about just listening and not arguing, just listening. It has allowed me at this point to see history being re-written.

In no particular order

a. He almost left me three years ago because it was "the last straw when I forgot to pay the car insurance and it lapsed." (needless to say that I was writting my dissesrtation -the final push deadline - wirtting about 18 hours a day to get in it to graduate.) "Do you know how much trouble I could have gotten in?" (Hello - didn't say yeah well me too!)

b. "I trusted you to take care of the finances while I worked side jobs to support us. You were supposed to stay on top of it."

c. "You ruined me financially. You know you didn't pay the Lowe's and HomeDepot credit cards and so I don't have them anymore." oh I did interject at this point, to remind him - "oh yes, I remember because I had to go to the soup kitchen to get food for us to eat." He rolled his eyes and so I let him continue. (Hey, sorry I thought in my head I chose to have a/c for that month).

( I didn't remind him at this point that his sister ruined his credit WAY before I did by ditching a car that he co-signed for and the creditors were calling US! And I used my student loan money to pay it off so that his credit wouldn't be completely ruined - only for 7 years. And I also didn't remind him that I lost all my credit cards - except one but it took three years for it to re-establish. which is now maxed out again because of my tooth abscess and crown from two months ago. I also didn't remind him that before I had to go to soup kitchen I was using my credit cards to pay for food, but had to stop when the balance was too high for us to pay. I'm still paying on that credit card 150 a month that we don't have anymore from a collection agency. I didn't remind him that I actually made a chart out of all of our bills and income and how hard it was to pay our bills so he could see it in black in white - several years ago.)

d. I've been resentful. I've hated you. I don't hate you now. (oh, joy!)

e. I'm sorry that you didn't get your dream job. (I did reply with THANKs INKNOTS - I haven't gotten it YET - my life is still being written) and he said, "well at least you have gotten your dream of the degree.")

f. he had more to say but crap that was all I could handle at the moment and said, I really have to get out of the house. I need a break. So, let's go the Mall and see if we can see a movie.

More crap in the car (I really don't want to cause you pain. I really don't., he says) - and I just told him listen can't we just enjoy this moment right now - the air going by the moment). He says I see all the pain in your eyes... (well WTF you just unloaded on me!)

So that was the day before yesterday. Oh but that was only part of the day - the evening part, because there was a so lovely afternoon that I set myself up for when after having exchanged several texts saying that I'd love to see the work that he had done that day - I realized that this is the only time where he has been working so close that I could visit him I decided to go and do just that. OH GOD what a freaking mistake that was! When he saw me - instead of being happy to see me -which I thought he would be - he grimmaced and asked me why I was there.. I couldn't believe it - I said, why of course to see you! WHen was the last time that you worked this close and all. I thought I'd surprise you and you'd be happy to see me. I guess not!" All these things why didn't you tell me you were coming? The guys will think that you are checking up on me .. ect.. I was like WTF? Anyway all screwed up, eneded up waiting 45 minuts till he was off and walking around with him downtown and attempting to go to movies which was too long to wait and then coming home. Rebandaging the dog, I told him that that visit was really, really hard on me - very painful. When I didn't get a response then I filled in the space with - Oh I guess it's just my problem and I just have to live with it." So I said I was going to library to return some books. Which I didn then checked out the ones on hold for me recue, not just friends and another one. I started reading Phil's book and then realized that I needed to get REAL about my OWN behavior - which was led me to acknowledge my passive aggressive comment "Oh I guess this is just my problem that I have to deal with."

I'm feeling pretty grounded at the moment... lol... we will see how the day plays out. THANKS everyone for your support! gotta run to work!

Hello Again friends,

Progress- I only cried once yesterday.

Saturday I looked for jobs in New Zealand and Tahiti! ha!

Sunday I looked for jobs in Oregon. I hear it's pretty there. There was a birthday party sunday for one of his nieces. We went. A customer gave me a pair of earrings the other day - she makes them - so I put them in a box for the niece and put ten dollars in a card for her. After I had everything together H says "we can get her a gift card, if you want". I say, "I've already done this."

I also worked yesterday and they gave me my schedule for the week - they reduced my hours to 35. When they "promoted me" - I didn't get a raise nor did I receive full-time. But I had been getting 40 hours, but per union rules I can only work 40 hours for 7 weeks. After 7 weeks they have to give me full time. So, I guess I was pretty close to the 8 weeks. Lovely.

Anyway, what I wanted to write about was that I left the party for about 30 minutes to go have a couple of smokes and no one even noticed that I was gone! lol

Progress, didn't have an anxiety attack yesterday. Still have "obessive" thoughts - thinking about what he has done and my anger, hurt. I check the board here all the time. But that's ok - that's where I am now.

The other day, I had my friend look up H's facebook page on heer mobile. It looks like what it did a couple of weeks ago- with no relationship status showing. When I go on his page on my home computer, it has a "heart" for relationship and "ask" about his relationship status. Unless FB pages look different on mobile - then he has set his page to look like that for me. SO, anytime that he does something around the house or makes me coffee - I remember what a A** he is.

I'm still recovering from all that emotional crap he dumped on me - Saturday or was it Friday.. who knows. I'm angry and I have every freaking right to be. Ok Time to go to work.

Thanks for reading!

Hugs to everyone out there!

Well, I got my schedule wrong and showed up an hour early for work, so now I have a few minutes to write - oops.. no I don't I was reading others stories and wished I had concrete proof of sexual behavior/chat ect. all I have phone logs and a FB page. But who am I kidding would it be any different if I did? I don't know. Nope, I will not slip into denial now. I definately need some time by myself where I don't have to see him and relate to him when I home from work. I think I am going to go to library when I get home from work - after I take care of the dog. I checked out Not Just friends and I want to read it.

Hugs and support to all those out there! Thanks for your support too!

shiftingsand, I'm going to say this as gently as possible:

What are you doing to help this situation?

You've been posting for some time now. You've gotten lots of good advice, and it's all been ignored. You've been at this for over a year. You're now letting it out here, but you don't seem to want anything to change. Why is that?

If you continue the same behaviors, you should expect the same behaviors back.

Dear Painful Past,

I am doing my best. I haven't been dealing with this for more than a year. I just found out 2 months ago. I have taken advise; I have considered all of it. Because of the advise here I have gotten tested for STDs, I have started the 180, I have called for an IC appointment. I realize that I am codependent.

I have taken inknots advice - I haven't even looked at my Spanish books.

What happened on Wensday was BEFORE I saw inknots advice and yes, I'm starting to get it.

During my break at the party I was thinking about what life would be without him. Making it on my own, what I would do. What my finances would be.

I'm just trying to get through the day without having an anxiety attack. That I no longer have the self-confidence that I once did. Hurts to acknoweldge, but it's true. That I allow my insecurities to overcome me is distressing and I battle them constantly- literally. I am doing self-talk, have a rubber band to snap myself out of my thoughts of the relationship. I've got student loan collectors calling me, medical collectors calling me, my hours have been reduced at work. I'm just trying to survive each day. That I use this forum as a way to document my life - perhaps I shouldn't and these thoughts should go in the journal section - that I didn't realize was there until recently. I was just trying to feel not so alone.

SS - I wasn't saying not to get it out here. What you wrote just now - that really got to me. I'm sorry if my questions hurt, but I'm glad I asked. You ARE doing a lot - this is hard, trust me, I know. We all know. I saw all of your posts, letting us know the next fallout, etc, and it seemed like you were stuck in an ugly circle. I was only trying to ask what you were doing - and it's a lot more than I was reading in your posts. Sorry for thinking it was more than a year. Not sure where that came from.

You really are doing good work. Keep posting, please. Keep the rubber band. Keep the self talk. Keep remembering you mean a lot more than your H is acting like.

And forget the Spanish. The fact that he's falling back on that to throw you is truly pathetic. You've got bigger fish to fry right now

((((hugs))))

Thanks. I forget that I get on here and rant and forget to say what things that I am doing.

My 180 was really good for the last three days and I back slid today - twice.

This morning I called him to see how things were going and he informed me that he just had a flat tire and was in the midst of fixing it. We had a good conversation and I was encouraged. He told me about goign to two job sites, ect. (there is a reason I called him that I will talk about in a couple of paragraphs down).

At the end of my shift, I called him to see what we should have for dinner since his tooth was pulled on friday, and I mentioned it earlier in the day. So, I call and it's obvious that he is driving with the wind whistling by and I've got a bad connection. He tells me he fed the dog and that he is going to work for an hour. But what I hear is "...the dog,... going to work for ten hours...." I say, "What? Where are you going for ten hours?" Suffice to say, by the time we got it figured out that he was going to work for AN HOUR and he wouldn't tell me where. He big into this "you are trying to control me, manipulaTE me" thing now. I call it being immature. Hello, it's not like you work for the FBI - where you going? What ticks me off even more was that there was no note waiting for me when I arrived home. I expected there to be one because he had already been home. so... what was he not going to tell me or I was just going to arrive home and not find him. More pushing my boundaries. I will have to address this one. It's just plain rude, immature and thoughtless.

My IC is scheduled for tommorrow at 2 pm. I have no idea how much it is going to cost - I think I'm just going to plead poverty and let see what happens. Unfortunately the PhD isn't availbable tommorrow, but will be on the 10th. I just had to get seen so I can at least get some tools or something - just talk to another unbiased person.

I did a good job search today and have some leads that I will be following up on tommorrow. Checked the checking account, we will have enough money to pay the mortgage. I always worry about that.

Ok I want to talk about last night. Because I realized that afternoon, I am not the only one with Passive-aggressive issues. He is AWASH in them. So, the only way I know to cope and what I am on the path for is to take control of myself and my life. That's what I am doing. last night, tired of being in the house - nothing on t.v. I go walk the dog and say let's take a walk at the lake. We walk. Not much talking but I am enjoying the time outdoors. We stop to sit for a bit and we start talking about the party and just trying to have a conversation. The airplanes fly over head and we start talking about places we would like to go. He tells me that he was talking to his dad and mom that he wouuld like to take them to Niagra Falls. His mom says she won't go, but his did will. This triggers me like no tommorrow. I ask him, "Ah, well tell me was I going to be part of this trip?" He replies with anger... crap the dog is going crazy. I will write more tommorrow. Suffice to say it shut me down. But I did address it later when we came back asking him in a gentle nonthreatening way why he answered me so forcefully and his reply was that I was trying to manipulate him into turning the subject into me. "I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. I told him that actually I was trying to receive some re-assurance from him that I was still included in his life. He said, "When Have I ever gone on a trip without you? Not many times have I?" I HATE it when he does these rhetorical questions! Anyway, I believe I got it threw to him that I as NOT trying to manipulate him. But I believe he sure does try to manipulate me ! uh huh! Ok gotta run.

Sticking to the 180 - doing my thing tonight - except have to set it straight about responsible expectations.

Hugs to you on this painful path. I noticed three things in your post.

1.You called him.

2. You called him again.

3. You invited him to walk with you.

These are not things you do on the 180. You don't seek out the company of someone who is betraying you--whether that be a backstabber at work, a frenemy, or your lover. You respect yourself enough to get some distance. Stop poking yourself in the eye with the stick because a) it always hurts and b)the eye can't heal if you don't stop sticking it.

I know you probably have reasons you are calling him, but really, they are not necessary calls, right? Read your post again--none of those overtures were necessary at all. It was you trying to reassure yourself that things are normal, but they are not.

Can you go a few days and NOT initiate contact of any kind? Each time you do, it reinforces to him that what he is doing is ok because you still want to talk to him, be around him. What is his incentive to change? If he wants to talk to you, he'll call you. Or he will ask you to walk with him. It might be very telling, seeing how long he will go before initiating contact with you. Take back your power, shiftingsand.

You deserve so much better.

GOOD FOR YOU on the job hunt. GOOD LUCK!

Oh and he knows you are not trying to manipulate him. But when he plays that card you react just like he wants you to, trying to be the cool wife who is ok with being crapped on to prove your are not manipulating him. That is how HE manipulates you. This is why it's good to limit contact so you don't give him opptys to screw with your head.

[This message edited by inknots at 10:31 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

Crap, thank you for pointing it out. (sigh) Wrapped around his finger - sheesh!

Ok Back on the bang wagon.

a Roller coaster of a day yesterday.

Had my first counseling session. But it was the intake session and not with the psychologist. I will see her on Friday of next week urgh. Process of self discovery blah, blah blah. I need a direct approach. I need reality checks. Had really bad anxiety yesterday. Had to take a Zanax. Didn't call him. Came home to find him underneath his truck. The exhaust pipe had fallen off.

While I was standing there and A/C van came and parked. He said, "Oh, I guess someone is having A/C problems."

I said, "Yeah, I guess the next door neighbor".

He said, "unless they are coming to fix yours."

I said, "Why do you say that? You always say 'mine house'. It's our house."

He said, "my mistake".

I said, "No, really why do you always say that?"

He said, "Because it's true. ..

crap I have to go to work.. but the conversation told me that he has low self esteem. Anyway.... I've got to go to work. I didn't get up as early today because I needed the sleep.

back on the 180 again today.

Shiftingsands, I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. Its not fun. Can I ask you a few questions? ( I apologize in advance if I have somehow missed the answers)

1. How long have you been with your husband?

2. How old are you & how old is your husband?

3. Is this the first time you have suspected an A?

4. Do you know the OW? If so, is she married or have a SO?

5. If she does, can you expose her to her spouse?

Can I recommend a book I just purchased? Its called "He Loves Me - Not" by Samara O'Shea. It is about learning how to not be so obsessive in love relationships. I think most of us obsess to some extent or another, and its helpful to be reminded that our needs, feelings, wants, etc., are as important as our spouse's or SO. The book focuses more on the "being dumped" aspect of relationships which may not apply, but I like it because it has some very good common sense advice on focusing on ourselves rather than the other person. Often times we know what we need to do, we just don't know how to do it, KWIM?

I have struggled with being co-dependant, and am finally to the point where I realize that my needs, wants and feelings is as important as everyone else's. Its been a long, hard road but absolutely worth it. When I would start to focus or obsess too much on the other person I would repeat in my mind "I love myself, I love myself, I love myself", and it really helped me focus on what I needed to be doing, rather than worrying about the other person.

I agree with the advice you have been given. I know its hard to implement, but in the long run it will be well and truly worth it. Hang in there and keep up with the 180.

Lostly,

Thanks for the post.

I am 48 years old. My husband is 42. I have been with my husband since 1996. We lived together for five years before we married. Yes, this is the first time I have suspected an Affair. I do not know the OW. I only know her name and phone number. I know her name because I saw it on Facebook and it matches the state where the number was called. He admited her first name when we had our first "confrontation" about what is wrong. Although he denies anything other than a friendship. Her facebook page does not contain any relationship information. I do not see any men in her photos. I do see a son who has just graduated high school. Her phone number is from another state.

But you know it really doesn't matter anymore because this is the beginning of the end of our relationship for me. Last night while sitting on the couch he said, "When are you working tommorrow?" I said, "9am-1pm". Then he said, "I think I'm going to a drive tommorrow." I asked him where he was going? He said he didn't know. Then, I asked him when he planned to be back. He said, He didn't know. I said, "Well like around dinner time?" He said He didn't know. I said, "well like around 4-5 in the morning?" He said, " I don't know." I said, "You know I find it really interesting that two days ago that you told me 'Oh when do I ever go anywhere on a trip without you'. And here you are going on a trip without me." He says, "Oh now I feel guilty." I told him, "I am just repeating what you said to me."

He says, "what you want me to lie to you? I just don't know. You guys are like that . You have to have plans and no changes to the plan." I said, "You guys?" He said, "You white people. I'm just not like that." (He is Spanish). He said, "What if I watch the fireworks at the beach and it's late and I dont' want to drive back? What if I spent the night there?" I just sat there. I told him "I think you are going to met your secret friends at the beach."

"Can't I just have a break? I just need a break. You are driving me crazy." I said,"You are driving me crazy." He said, "I am still here. Anything you throw at me and I'm still here", shaking his head -like in wonderment. I got up and had to go to the deck and smoke and write. Then I realized that it didn't matter anymore because I can not control him. If he wants to leave - he will leave. I just need to get a job and get out of this mess. So, I went back in and said, "You know it doens't matter. You need a drive - you have a drive. I am going to bed."

You know it really doesn't matter anymore. Because he left this morning - I woke up - It was 430 in the morning. Yeah, saw him packing the beach umberella. I said, Well, I guess you are going to the beach then - "He said, this is just in case." Sure. Then he corners me in the kitchen and says what's wrong. So, I told him everything. I told him that I was afraid. I was afraid that he was leaving me. I was afraid that he didn't love me anymore. I was afraid that we were headed for seperation and divorce. I told him that he was just barely tolerating me. I told him that I thought he was only here because of our financial situation because he told me - how could I leave you like this. I told him I thought this because he told me 'our marriage was over years ago and he was just waiting for me to get a job'. I told him I thought he was having an affair and the FB that he had declared our marriage void by not putting a relationship status on his page and by putting "interested in women" on his about section. That you couldn't put that in there if you didn't select something other than married. That all his friends and family could have seen it and I was just the last to know. That he had a secret friendship was a big red flag, That all the hours he was talking with her were all the hours he was suppossed to be sharing with me and us. All those photos were things that were supposed to be shared with me. That I asked him to do three things for me - to let me know when he was coming home, to let me know how much he was putting in the account so I wouldn't have to freak out every week to pay the bills, and to get a cover for his phone. I told him ' I didn't even want his password in the beginning. I didnt' even ask for it. Didn't even ask to look at his phone. But you coudln't even do these things. How can I not feel insecure. And now you are telling me you don't know when you coming home? "

He said, "I never told you that I wasn't coming back." I said, Yeah, you said you didn't know when you were coming back - that could be days. You know, I would never, ever... even think about doing what you are doing. = not knowning when I would be coming home. I wouldn't be that inconsiderate. and now knowning everything that I am feeling if it were you feeling this way- I couldn't even think about going. I can't even concieve of anything like that. I mean if I said that to you - that I needed a break". He said, "If that was the way you feel then that's the way you feel and I can't change that. You are an indeprendent woman and I don't own you. I don't have stamp on your back." I said, "Is that how you feel? That I own you?"

He said, "you made all these changes for me - but you were supposed to change on your own because you wanted to - not for me. for example the smoking downstairs." I said, "yes, I did that for your because it bothers you. I can do that." But the smoking " No, I can't give it up right now."

He said, "Here's another one that going to haunt you - you don't eat during the day." I say, "Im not hungry. You want me to force myself to eat?" He says, "How can your body have energy to work if you dont' eat. You are just going to get sick." He says, "How many pills do you take a day? I said, "one, but once a week I take Vitamin D. All women my age usually take it for our bones." He says, "I know I nag you, but I nag you for your health." So, I say, "What if I quit smoking. Then, it will be the same thing - that I quit for you and that it doesn't matter then?" (these are old arguements) He says, "you know you make all these changes for me and not for you and I end up being the stranger." I said, "I don't understand what you mean by that."

This is getting us nowhere. He says as he is walking at the door. "I'm just going to get my stuff then, cuz it looks like you are going to have a bad day." I have a horrible pang of guilt and say, "Fine. Go have your drive." Because it doesn't matter anymore now does it? I don't expect him back tonight. I will probably go over to the in-laws after work and at least have the satisfaction of saying when they ask me where he is "I don't know where he is and I don't know when he is coming home." Maybe I will go into work early because there is nothing for me here - maybe I'll post a little encouraging words for others on here for a bit.

Oh there was more stuff inbetween. Like "what if this is one of things I want to change" Like going for a drive when I am working. Then I said, "You let me know. You just don't spring it on me." (that was last night).

He said, "You don't trust me." I mentioned to him in my speel that no I didn't trust him - why would I - he hasn't done anything to give me trust in him."

Oh after I said all those things to him in the kitchen about what I was feeling - I said, Do you have a response? He said, "I was listening." His face was so angry. He never did say anythign about what I said.

Anyway, it's now 8 and I do have to get ready for work now. It's a freaking rubber band day!!! Oh I will check the posts at work.

Please I KNOW I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID _ FINE HAVE YOUR DRIVE. I KNOW he manipulated me. I KNOW and I feel absolutely horrible.

I can't freaking believe it. He drove 289 miles today!!! That's freaking NEW YORK or goergia or somewhere! WHere he F is he...????? And I know he's not coming back tonight - not when it took him that long to get there.

'

it doesn't matter - I'm freaking leaving his ass.

Girl, get yourself a few free consults with a lawyer. Throw his shit to the curb. It ends when you say it ends. Hugs.

Hi, I have been separated for 14 weeks now and have to admit it got easier until I found my husbands phone bills last week . He has been in contact with my best friend since October last year. We are taking hours of talking and about 800/900 messages a month. I confronted him at his mothers( where he lives) and he swears it is only talking and nothing else. I can't believe him as we had been going to counselling for the 1st ten weeks after he moved out. He decided that he wasn't going to come home and we agreed to call it a day . He always swore that there was nobody else and I believed him as my trust was a big issue at these meeting. I suspected something was going on with her but he went mad every time I said anything.

Now the phone bills after everything. We had a massive row . Afterwards we actually talked and he told me that he owes a lot of money and that was one of the reasons why he was always in a bad mood plus his job is getting him down.

We talked for several hours and he kept saying that he never had any physical contact with her nor did he ever want any . I told him after all his lies I was going to divorce him in order to move on. This totally shocked him and he asked me to think about it for a while . We agreed to meet the following week. We met on Tuesday and it was strange. He told that everything had changed as he feels the events have brought back into reality . He said after our talk that he feels the luckiest boy alive to be giving another chance, but he said he feels so confused and very ashamed for having lied to me and cause me all this pain. I told him that if he wanted I would walk away and that would be our marriage over,but instead he wants to meet on Sunday again.

I feel like he is stringing me along as he can't make his mind up , but everything that has happened in the last 14 weeks is so out of character ,he admits he feels like he is going insane and he doesn't know why.

I still love him very much and we have talked a lot the 2x we met but something is stopping him from actually saying he wants to work at it . Promises me he is not in contact with her anymore but I struggle to believe him.

I feel like a yo yo with him. Just wish he would make his mind up and then I know where I stand

He makes all the right noises that he wants to try again when we meet but as soon as that in finished he is his distant self again, I know he feels ashamed but why say all those things to turn round and do the opposite . I am so confused and my mind is going round and round. In circles .

Tk7770,

I'm sorry you're here. I recommend starting a thread of your own so that more people will know a new member is here. Adding to someone else's thread can sometimes get the facts lost in the mix.

As for your H - This is up to you. You don't have to keep meeting him. You can let him know your expectations, and if he isn't willing to meet them, you'll walk.

This isn't up to him completely, just as it's not up to you. He's keeping you hanging because he wants to keep you. Usually, in those circumstances, if you walk, he'll suddenly see the light.

Again - sorry you're here - no one wants to need a site like this, but we're so very thankful it's here. Think about posting your story in a new thread, if your comfortable.

Dear Shiftingsand, my heart breaks for you, we can all see how much you want your marriage to work. You have bent over backwards to try and get your WH to respond to you, he has done nothing but pulled back and detach himself from you. He has been blameshifting you continuously. He has done nothing but disrespect you. He IS having an affair, it doesnt matter if its an emotional affair or if it is a physical affair, it is still disrespecting you. Anything that he does behind your back and hides from you, IS disrespecting you.

It makes me mad at how stupid he thinks you are. Does he think that you really believe he was going to take his father to Niagara Falls with him? Then a couple of days later says he is going on a drive and doesnt know when he will be back. He was just sounding you out to see what your response would be.

When you asked him for his pin code for his phone and he said no he wouldnt give it to you, you should have said if you have nothing to hide you would give it to me.

I think things need to change drastically for you, I dont know if you have told anyone from his family what you suspect? You could speak to his family and ask them why they didnt end up going to Niagara falls with your WH and see what their response is or even if they knew anything about this so called family trip.

I would not be covering anything up from his family I would be showing him up for what he is.

He tries to come across as, I work all day, I do side jobs, to bring this money home to you so that you can eat and have a roof over your head,big deal you and 18 million others and you work as well. The way he tries to make everything your fault, you want to control me. Is that how he thinks when you want to know something? How dare you want to talk to him about his day, how dare you want to be close to him and share your feelings with him, you are after all only his WIFE. It got to me when I read you decided to surprise him at work and he obviously wasnt happy to see you, why was that?

I think you avoid asking important questions the same way I did, because I was afraid of the answers.

I really dont know if your WH loves you. You would think if he did he wouldnt want to hurt you the way he is. He knows exactly what he is doing, he is the type of man that would say you drove me to it. The blame for his affair belongs to HIM.

Sweety you need to know that you cant fix this marriage unless he wants to too. He doesnt want to. He is probably a huge coward and wants you to initiate the break up or leaving him so that he can say to everyone she left me it was all her doing.

Stay strong it is hard,