SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its pretty obvious she doesn't want to R

Her message to him last night saying she wants to spend her life with him is a give away.

Discontinue the phone service; you are probably financially liable for it anyway. Sabotage the phone if that won't work. You need to drive her out of the house to stop her carrying on with the affair right under your nose.

If she is in luuvr with the OM she is a lost cause. By the time she pulls her head out of her rear and her hormones are no longer on fire, she will be divorced. If she moves in with the jerk then she will be out of your daily life and she will find out what her lover is really made of. As long as she is convinced that OM is a dream come true there is no hope of reconciliation.

Given that she has made her decision, I would think that it's time to tell your close relatives as well as hers, that you and your WW are in the process of a divorce and why. Also, contact the OMs BW and let her know about the recent contact so that she has that information as well. Now is the time for you to seek support from your friends and family, and your WWs dirty little secret isn't yours to keep any more. I also suggest carrying a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you at all times. Here in the states, it's not unknown for a WW to accuse their BH of domestic violence and get the police to take them out of the house and then file for an RO to keep them out of the house.

Since she's fired you from the job of being her husband, now is also the time to stop all husbandly duties. Move her out of your bedroom. No chores done for her. No acts of service. Arrangements for child care and separation of finances/assets should be your only lengthy communication to her, and keep that as factual and on target as possible. Your goal is to become utterly indifferent to her if you have to, fake it until you make it. Right now, she's a rather crappy housemate that happens to be wearing the skin of your wife. Treat her like the alien that she's become.

You may want to head down to the Separation and Divorce forum and introduce yourself. There's a lot of really wonderful people there as well from all over the world, and it's likely they can help you through this process.

generic...

Its pretty obvious she doesn't want to R

Her message to him last night saying she wants to spend her life with him is a give away.

Well...then cut her loose!!!! Damn....I know this is all bullshit...yeah...it sucks!

Take that knife outta our back and sever the fuel line to that bus she threw you under...."laywer up" and hit that 180!!!

Bro...you aren't gonna get her back doin' the "pick me dance"....nor are you gonna "nice guy her back".....crying and begging wont work either...its not very sexy and it will NOT work.

One problem with her little plan of a "happily ever after" with her BF..... he is married!!! Most OM when faced with CS, alimony, division of assets, etc will dump the "strange" and try to smooth it over with his wife...... THEN.....will your wifes fog go away.....when she realized shes just a notch on the OMs belt...

Until then...... you have two choices....

THEY ARE -

Tolerate a cheating wife...or NOT!!! Draw a line in the dirt ... like Travis at the Alamo....and back it up - (hint - laywer up)... and hit that 180 hard...Tell her what your expectations are....once....then back it up.....KWIM?

Dude...I understand you don't want to lose your wife....Hell...shes already gone...for now...and she needs a HUGE reality check.... mine didn't pull her hear outta her ass until she was looking at divorce papers....I heard all the WS bullshit...ILYBINILWY....and so on.. Till her fog lifted....I knew I was on track to D..... its all im my profile..feel free to look at it.... Now, Bro...the 180 isn't a secret plan to win your wife back...but sometimes that's what happens....key is to have it happen BEFORE your "give a shit" quits working.....and the sooner you do - the less her emotional attachment will be with the BF...

She is disrespecting both you and your marriage...... do something!!! you will survive all this..or without her....you will be OK!!!

Sometimes you need to be willing to lose it all...in order to get it back.... KWIM?...

Your wife is in a fantasy.... her BF is married!!!! not sure if that has soaked in for her..... you mentioned she wanted to "work on us", will not happen with 3 in your marriage...dude... at this point in my FWWs A, I didn't believe anything she said...and half of what I saw.... shes humping your leg!!!

Dude...until you get from her a "snotting, blubbering, crying, im so sorry I hurt you, mascara dripping off her chin" apology.... your marriage is over.....hell its over anyway.... and wont go anywhere with the BF in the picture....

Keep us posted ...

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 10:47 AM, November 21st (Friday)]

Generic, glad to hear that you got legal advice (& without stumping up £300!)

There's good, practical advice on separation and divorce, including a parenting pack available for free on the scotland.gov.uk website.

Adviceguide.org.uk/Scotland is the Citizens Advice site and also full of useful information.

I know I went on a quest for information in the first days and weeks after Dday, especially in the early hours when sleep was elusive.

Take care of yourself.

Sometimes you need to be willing to lose it all...in order to get it back.... yeah...

Buff, as usual is right on.

You can't nice her back. The fastest way to rid yourself of being in infidelity is to shine the light of truth on it. Infidelity lives on deceit.

EXPOSE TO OM BS ASAP.

Let everyone know your headed to divorce because your wife is cheating. Burst the fantasy bubble. Consequences are the only way you have to possibly get your marriage back. Or you can choose to remain married to both of them.

LHAP?

Generic,

Others are giving you good advice, especially those from UK who are more familiar with the D laws. I recommend that you continue to post here and as hard as your situation is, you have a community of a lot of people willing to listen and help you. There is nothing your monster WW can do or say that someone on here has not seen or heard. And its all free.!!

Hang in there and concentrate on getting this cancer out of your face.

Dude...until you get from her a "snotting, blubbering, crying, im so sorry I hurt you, mascara dripping off her chin" apology.... your marriage is over.....hell its over anyway.... and wont go anywhere with the BF in the picture....

Must be the most quoted words on SI. Thanks Buff!

Also very true.

You are in a real unpleasant situation; losing your marriage, seeing your kids in pain. Gotta tough it out until its all over.

In pursuit of her exciting, romantic fantasies what regard did your cheating wife pay towards the welfare of her children? Selfish to the core.

I'm sure earthangel has better info, but it seems you need to establish a relevant separation date immediately.

The “relevant date” is the date that the parties separated. Normally that is the

date upon which they stopped living together as man and wife. (Please note that

in some circumstances couples will still live under the same roof albeit not as

man and wife and that can still count as them being separated).

Normally, all matrimonial assets and liabilities are valued at the date of

separation and as such it is very important to determine the “relevant date”

before obtaining valuations of the various assets and liabilities under Scots Law.

Document all events, including that she refuses to move out of the house, dates, get witness's.

from another site inregards to grounds for divorce:

If you are able to prove adultery then you can apply for a divorce immediately. If however you have known that your spouse has committed adultery and you continue to live with them for more than 3 months then you are deemed to have condoned that adultery and cannot then proceed with a divorce on these grounds.

My heart goes out to you generic. I can feel your pain and I know this is a lot information to take in when you are emotionally torn apart. Just take of yourself and your boys right now and think of one thing at a time. Honestly, I don't know if your WW will want this marriage or not, but right now, you just need to focus on you. She seems very spoiled and selfish and nothing you do or say at this point is going to make things better with her, so I would say nothing. Don't beg, don't check up on her, don't do anything but breathe. It will be ok. I doesn't seem like it, but it will. Im so sorry you are going through this.

generic...

I know lots of us are saying its over and file for D....

BUT....always a but in there somewhere...

The marriage is over while shes in her affair.....and most affairs are all rainbows, unicorns and fairy farts....its NOT over till the fat lady sings (judge hits the gavel on the table).....lots of divorces never make it till the final hearing....KWIM? You can stop one at any time....

The marriage as you had it is over....NOW, she could come to her senses....dump the OM....or be dumped herself.....in which case you could have a marriage again...(if she does all the right things and you still want her)....that affair needs to be over first!!!

Some ICs even advocate letting the A play out....may take some time...and it may not happen at all... My opinion? do everything you can do to speed along the ending of it.....you may not want her by that time....Hell...revenge works for me.... Exposure and D papers are both a huge wake up call....and she needs one...

R is possible...not while another man is in the picture.....

Sorry.....my FWWs A was the hardest thing I ever went through...ever!!! You will be ok....with or without her....

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 12:56 PM, November 21st (Friday)]

I sat beside her and calmly discussed separation. Including what we do with the house, custody of kids etc. Stuff we ideally can agree before having separation document set up. Stayed strong but it fucked me up

How was she? All aboard with the idea of separation and divorce? No qualms about how it will affect the kids?

Went worse than I imagined.

She listened and discussed what she wants to happen to house and kids. Her ideas are not acceptable so I think this could get expensive....

Also, since discussing it, she no longer feels the need to hide that shes fucking this guy. She gave the kids to their gran for night, packed a wee bag and said, im off to see him, back tomorrow.

Now lawyer said I shouldn't leave unless i really cant cope. I also can't kick her out. The process takes months, how can I live like this for months with my wife openly shagging this other guy?

Doing 180 is one thing, but this has truely turned to shit.

[This message edited by generic at 4:44 PM, November 21st (Friday)]

generic...

Have you talked to his wife lately??

Lawyer up and hit that 180... do not discuss your marriage with her...kids and finances only!!! Join a gym....take up jogging....concentrate on you and your kids....stay busy....document everything....

Bufffalo

She listened and discussed what she wants to happen to house and kids. Her ideas are not acceptable so I think this could get expensive....

I will quickly add that you need to consider her the enemy. No more discussing your plans, your thoughts, your ideas, your hopes, your anything with her.

Leave everything up to a lawyer. Otherwise I dont really have much advice on how to handle this hell. Just stay strong and realize in the long run, you will come out way ahead than she will, especially mentally and emotionally.

If you are able to prove adultery then you can apply for a divorce immediately.

Just make it as uncomfortable as possible.

stop all husbandly duties. Move her out of your bedroom. No chores done for her. No acts of service

. Cancel all credit cards or joint accounts immediately. Take half of all money now.

I would hate to have to resort to childish behavior, but blocking the heating vents to her room, cooking fish (badly) for a week straight, a large sign painted on your house referencing "what a slut you married that refuses to leave even when she screwing (insert OM's mane here)" would probably be frowned upon by your lawyer, and some people here that are more mature than I, but then again, it's fucking war. As craig said, She is the enemy! Make her miserable. Prepare for counter attacks, gather your troops.

Get witness's, take pictures.

If she's gone for the night, go through all of her stuff.

OK, I know I'm a redneck, but I like a good fight.

Just chiming in again about the bipolar question again, and beyond its effect in current question, expressing a concern that it as a possibility or verified diagnosis is factored into custody considerations.

Doc said she thought she was bipolar and refered her to a phsychiatrist, however she chose not to attend.

It also crept up on me, but she has become alchohol dependent. She only ever drinks in the evening when kids are asleep, but she drinks 1 bottle cava/prosecco a night + whatever else. Usually passes out drunk. Im a bit ashamed to say its been going on a year at least and I didn't do enough to fix it. With that + bipolar I have no clue of her mental state.

Everyone who knows says "Surely not, thats not WIFE" and I've never known her to be anythinh but selfless, which makes me wonder if she had a breakdown of sorts.

anyway, she is now openly away fucking some guy while im at home alone thinking about it and driving myself crazy. I know 180 is to get me to move on but even when following it best i can, I'm not sure I can move on. Im still devastated to even be in this position.

I have been in touch with lawyer, would require input from both sides to arrange a legal separation. Discussing it without her prompt goes aaginst 180. Also, does me saying to her, openly staying overnight with this guy makes me feel shit. or is that against 180?

generic,

Are you able to change the locks while she's out? I don't understand why she can't be packed up and find her things outside when she comes back. Oh, and take the kids on a short 2-3 day vacation somewhere while she's gone and don't answer the phone when she calls. Impractical probably, illegal maybe, but that would but to rest the whole I'm going out to shag my boyfriend crap.