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If she isn't remorseful you need to kick up the pace with the 180. Move on with your life and plan for a life without her as your W.

Does she really love you? Have you asked her?

Listen to what others have said and show her you're not waiting around for here. She should be the one begging for your forgiveness. She needs to ask why she did this.

If she's done with the marriage she should tell you. I know it's not black and white. I know there are stresses in everyday life and having a child with autism adds to the pressure. It's not an excuse, but honest discussions are required.

I have asked if she loves me, but she said she doesn't think she's madly in love with me like she once was, otherwise this couldn't have happened.

Generic,

That is bull shit. She is still trying to justify what she did in her mind. She had choices. She could have told you the same thing or divorced you. This happened because she continuously put herself in a position at the bars she was going to without you, and then developed a relationship with another man.

You next question should be, does she love you enough to do what is necessary to repair or save your marriage. She appears to be telling you the answer to that is no, and you should not let her put you right back into the position where you are sitting there playing the "pick me" dance with her.

Your next conversation should be, "are you, WW, going to immediately start doing what I feel is necessary to save our marriage". YES OR NO.

No more thinking about it.

Generic, you're asking for remorse, asking if she loves you, asking her to read a book.. stop asking because R can only happen when she starts doing/showing/demonstrating remorse.

I have asked if she loves me, but she said she doesn't think she's madly in love with me like she once was, otherwise this couldn't have happened.

This is more justification to validate her bad behavior. No one likes looking like the bad guy so people say things like this. Love? An A is way more about selfishness and what they want than it is about love. In the real world, in the light of day with all of life's activities and hardships an A cannot exist. That is why most eventually come crashing down. There is no love in a fake fantasy world. Not the true definition of love where you deal with everything together.

No remorse here. More selfishness. More regret.

What does your gut tell you generic? What does your gut tell you about the type of person she is?

yop

I have asked if she loves me, but she said she doesn't think she's madly in love with me like she once was, otherwise this couldn't have happened.

So she has to be "madly in love" to be faithful? Maybe she should have let you in that before you got married.

If she feels this way why pursue R at all? If not being "madly in love" is why she cheated then why is that enough to want to R? It seems you'd just be back in a situation where she could cheat again. After all she's not "madly in love" so what would stop her?

Sorry to beat a dead horse but she's feeding you bullsh*t to play on your desire to keep your family intact and to put this back on you. This is intended to again bait you into wooing her.

I have asked if she loves me, but she said she doesn't think she's madly in love with me like she once was, otherwise this couldn't have happened

Way too early for any of these questions Generic.

And it makes you look weak.

Buck up.

Focus on you and the kids.

Take as much time as you need to have your head, heart and wallet in the right place in order to decide which direction you go in with your marriage.

Stress conditions/boundaries for her that you both agree too.

Let her know renewed contact with her OM and any OM is instant divorce.

You need to show real consequences.

Then you decide what is best for you and the kids.

The STD tests need to be done. It is a real consequence.

HM

We've spoken again, I've said about separation options which includes solicitors signed separation. She wants to try, for kids, if we get anything back is a bonus as she put it.

Not sure how that legally works where you are, but I read that as "Let's separate so I can keep screwing around and see if that works out for me, if not I can move back in and you can take me back."

No thanks. If she won't make a decision, then you have to make it for her. Generic, I think you've got the "Nice Guy" curse. Stop it!

You have been receiving excellent advice and we all can tell you from bitter experience how to solve most of your current problems. Basically you have lost control of your marriage and your cheating WW is calling the shots. You are looking for the easy way out; your wife to start behaving herself and things getting back to normal.

Its going to take a lot of unpleasant hard work and you are not showing signs that you are willing to do this. Your WW has lost respect for you and you have reduced status. Your response should be how to change this situation and appear strong and decisive in her eyes.

I would move out during the week using an excuse of living nearer to your workplace - therefore no abandonment. Come home at the weekends. Tell your wife this may be permanent; you haven't yet decided. You have to make her feel consequences for what she has done, together with the fear she may lose her marriage. This is what I meant about reconciliation being hard work. Its about correcting your WW's mindset so this will never happen again. Generate some anger at the way you have been disrespected and insulted and stop being the victim.

I just came home tonight and she was drunk. She talked about us fixing stuff, but also about how shes hurting over breaking up with this guy. She then falls asleep, phone in hand. So I took a look...

The guy has sent her 4 messages all saying how shes his darling angel and he loves her so much. SHe completes his life even though they only met 2 months ago...

She has sent 1 reply: GENERIC has been an absolute dick tonight since he got in.

He knows I want a life with you, not him. He's raging. Probably on the phone to GUYS WIFE now they're such good pals. Fucks sake XxxxxxxxxxxX

I got a huge sweep of pain. I phoned him from her phone and went mental at him. Many threats and 4 letter words.

I then smashed the hell out of her phone on my monoblock. She is passed out, otherwise I would probably have her on her way right now. We only just talked about NC today, and already this.

I suppose its the final nail in the coffin. Worried as fuck about my 2 boys though. So young and a split is very hard. I also dont trust her to cope on her own. MY autistic son is so much work at times.....

Damn, I gotta calm down now.

Time to turn tough, show this lying traitorous bitch that you have finally had enough of her deceit and lies. Make life hell for her until she leaves the marital home. No physical violence just cold hostility.

You have to stop being the nice guy and allowing her to walk all over you. No more pain, unless you are dishing it out. She can only hurt you if you care and you need to step beyond any feelings for this cheater. Let her have the OM; they deserve each other. Let members of your family know whats she's doing and saying. Time to go on the offensive and stop being the recipient of her disrespect..

That you would rely on any of her "definition of things" tells me you're codependent, that is dependent on others for your happiness.

I don't give one shit what she thinks.

Grabbing your balls - what do you think?

Ugh. What a nightmare she is. Can you get her out of the house tonight? Any family member or friend that you can dump her drunk ass off on so you can calm down a bit?

She has sent 1 reply: GENERIC has been an absolute dick tonight since he got in.

He knows I want a life with you, not him. He's raging. Probably on the phone to GUYS WIFE now they're such good pals. Fucks sake XxxxxxxxxxxX

Did she send this while you were in the same house, the same room, after you got home?

Looks like it.

Now I've yelled at him and smashed her means of contact, that won't happen again.

However, I can't control what she wants. Guess she's made her choice

The guy has sent her 4 messages all saying how shes his darling angel and he loves her so much. SHe completes his life even though they only met 2 months ago...

She has sent 1 reply: GENERIC has been an absolute dick tonight since he got in.

He knows I want a life with you, not him. He's raging. Probably on the phone to GUYS WIFE now they're such good pals. Fucks sake XxxxxxxxxxxX

I guess you called OMs wife and let her in on this development?? Ya need to, Bro...

She needs to do a NC letter....and you need to have consequences for when it is broken....let her know your expectations.....and be prepared to back it up...

Draw a line in the dirt....like Travis did at the Alamo....

Yeah...shes pissed...pissed they got caught...NOT pissed about her cheating.....

Remorse.....she isn't there yet...True remorse is like porn..the supreme court couldn't define it...but wrote they knew what it was when they saw it....remorse it like that....you'll know it when you see it... Me? when I saw a "snotting, blubbering, crying, im so sorry I hurt you, mascara dripping off her chin"....I knew she "was there"...until I got that - i was getting bullshit!!!!! a simple "im sorry" will NOT CUT IT!!!

Good luck Man.....this is NOT an 8 second ride (rodeo joke - yeah...im a redneck)

Bufffalo

Have her bags packed for when she wakes up.

180 hard!! Being nice didn't work.

I'm sorry your going through this

I then smashed the hell out of her phone on my monoblock. She is passed out, otherwise I would probably have her on her way right now. We only just talked about NC today, and already this.

I suppose its the final nail in the coffin. Worried as fuck about my 2 boys though. So young and a split is very hard. I also dont trust her to cope on her own. MY autistic son is so much work at times.....

Without your boys, especially your autistic son, I would say just dump her and don't look back. But I don't think your situation is hopeless. I think the hard-ass approach is the right one, problem so far is that she doesn't see it. I can't ask you to give her another chance, no one can, but here is what I would do (I think) if I were in your shoes right now:

1. Get rid of that phone of hers, put it somewhere where she'll never find it, smash it to smithereens and bury it, whatever. Let her go a day or two without one. Don't tell her what happened to it, tell her she must have been so drunk she lost it. If she tells you she knows you had it because you called the other guy, just play dumb. Do it with a smile on your face. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

2. Sometime tomorrow, tell her that you are willing to work on any legitimate problems she thinks you have, but you expect the same from her, and there has to be no contact. Give her one last chance to do the right thing. If she doesn't sincerely agree, if she gives you any attitude at all, then start doing what you've got to do to move on, disengage from her, and tell her she can come and talk to you when she's ready, but there's no guarantee you still will be willing to when she does. Tell her that you are starting to move on, so if she wants to work this out, she better do it quick. You offer no guarantees.

I wouldn't do that. I'd just be honest.

When she woke up I'd tell her what happened. What the other guy said, and what she said. Then I'd ask her what she wants. Don't let her say I don't know. That's unacceptable. Either she chooses you and never contacts this guy again, or you tell her you're filing for divorce and ask her to move out.

Lot's of things you can say to justify your decision and attitude, but none of that matters. You caught her cheating. Either she stops, chooses you, or she's out.

And that doesn't mean you've chosen her. If she chooses you, you still have to decide whether you want her. tell her that. She's a cheater, you haven't decided whether you want her yet. But if she still wants you, then she needs to stop all contact with this guy. That's the only choice she gets because of her actions.

And that's only if you still want her. You may not, which is perfectly acceptable. You don't have to forgive her. But you need to stop the adultery now. immediately.

She said it, 'he knows I want a want a life with you not him'

So why is she on your couch? It appears she must of accidently went to the wrong home as layed down on the wrong couch.

It's hard I know. But as long as you allow her to have both worlds she will gladly do it.

Again really sorry, for you and your boys.

Tomorrow file for D. Serve her (hopefully after she's been booted out) she needs to realize she is about to lose her place in the family. It's what my WH needed to snap out of his fog. Then depression hit him hard and he was a wreck, if I looked at him he would start to shake and cry. It lasted a week and he got himself on anti depressents, booked himself a polygraph committed to IC and put up big boundaries with other females. All with no guarantee that I will stop the D. Not saying it will happen for you, but at this point your really running out of options.