SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Cujo

Firstly sending hugs what a mess we find ourselves in.

Secondly my WH failed first polygraph, he passed the second one after making what I believe to be his version of the truth. Unfortunately the two weeks between polygraphs I had to endure days of TT and heartbreak.

Would I have him take another definitely if I for one moment thought he was back to his Wayward ways.

Will we make it in R who knows it’s a long hard journey.

Well here I am again, in waiting room while WH takes his 2nd polygraph. This week he gave me a written timeline of all his inappropriate behaviour. I surely hope he has told me everything this time or I won't be able to try R like he wants.

Everyone is better at passing Poly's the second time around. Check his browsers, I bet he's looked up how to beat a polygraph... If he was smart, he used Incognito when searching.

Cujo

How are you?

I hope he passed. From my reading here for years, it's common for the WS to think they can pass the first poly. Once they learn the poly is accurate...they often let go of the outcome and come clean. I hope this is the case for you.

Please check in when you're ready.

(((Cujo)))

He failed again. I'm devastated all over again. I really thought he had come clean and told me everything. Our next MC is Wednesday (yeah valentines day). After that I told him he needs to move out. If he still refuses to do so then I will. After everything he's done and asking me to R and he can't even respect me or our marriage enough to be truthful, I just can't deal with anymore.

Cujo, I'm so sorry. I know that this has to be so painful for you. Hopefully you can at least take away the knowledge that you did everything you could to salvage this.

I'm wondering if he did look up strategies to beat the poly and just hoped beyond hope that they would work. I remember being in college and people would go to take drug tests for new jobs knowing that they had drugs in their systems. They would look up methods to beat drug tests online and then walk in confident that they were smarter than the science. Then they'd be confused and angry when the drug tests came back positive. Once in a while somebody would actually pass and it would give the rest hope again, not able to recognize it as an anomaly instead of proof.

Stay strong this week. You're surely going to need it. Post back often, as you're going to need the support now more than ever.

My XWW gave me a parking lot confession after failing the poly. It probably still wasn't the whole truth, I could've gotten another one done, but after 6 months of Trickle Truthing I had all the information I needed. It wasn't the details I needed, it was to know my wife was putting ME first. This was the final opportunity I gave her to show me. She showed me she would not.

The judgment and hypocrisy in this thread about polygraphs is disgusting. I'm sure people who would "never" use a polygraph have also never checked their WS's phone or e-mail or Facebook, or other ways to verify if their WS is being truthful.

You do what feels right for you. It sounds as if you are moving the line which you had previously drawn in the sand. So did I...a lot. I didn't trust or value myself enough. And so much fear.

There are people who decide to stay together even without the truth. I can't imagine how it's possible for those marriages to be safe or healthy, but it happens. There are people who divorce and get back together years later after the necessary work has been done. There are people who divorce even after their WS passes a polygraph. You do what you need for you.

This is such a difficult time for you.

Please know there is nothing wrong with you. This isn’t about loving you. Your husband is his own priority. It’s the way his soul is wired.

I’ll second what Iwantmyglasses said. He’s not thinking about you. He’s trying to save his own skin. It’s a strategy of deny deny deny. If he doesn’t cop to it then he can always claim it’s not true and blame you, the test (twice!), everyone but himself.

To me, the key is whether he’s a good candidate for R. The poly isn’t a magic wand that if he passed we can sing his praises and say voila! All is well and good. It’s just a tool to help gauge his honesty and sincerity. To see whether he was finally putting you first. That’s how I approached it with my wife at least.

I’m sorry he couldn’t be the man he ought to be.

Oh cujo :(

I'm encouraged he agreed to take not one but two polys (especially after failing the first one). My ex would not have set in room with a tester, ever, on anything. So there's that.

Sometimes a WS has to lose what they have to fight for it. Sometimes BS's have to be willing to lose it all to get something better.

Separating isn't the end. Hell sometimes divorce is not the end (people remarry).

There's no deadline on your choices. Don't pressure yourself to KNOW. It's a highly personal type thing and it varies from person to person.

I am sorry he failed. That's awful for you :(

((((Cujo)))))

Oh honey that sucks. But I also guess now you know where you stand, and that he is incapable of owning his choices, and doing the work.

((((And Strength))))

Did you use the same polygrapher for both tests?

Cujo, I am very sorry. You will now need to make some tough decisions. You have given him every opportunity. Many would have dumped him a long time ago.

I am shocked he agrees to two Polys knowing He was still lying. That is dumb and arrogant at the same time. But monthly dumb.

Please......make sure your ducks are in a row.

Consult an attorney before you move out.

Make copies of all your financial documents.

Document everything.

Knowledge is power!

Take your power back.

Damm.

I'm sorry Cujo.

That is just the thing with polys. They can say, oh no, it is wrong, the machine is wrong, and they put that doubt in your mind, because it is not 100%, and they know that. Just sucks because all we want is the truth.

Too bad there wasn't a fool proof method.

Was it the same Polygrapher the second time?

Yes it was same polygrapher. He still says it was wrong, that he told truth. And I admit there is a part of me that wants to believe him. But there is a part of me that is getting stronger that is sick of being played. What I don't understand why he even wants to stay married to me. He obviously thinks he deserves something he doesn't get from me. I told him as long as he is fair to me with a settlement and spousal support that I wouldn't air all his dirty laundry, which is what I thought was most important to him. But he keeps swearing he loves me and wants to stay married. I don't believe him.

Why didn’t you use a different polygrapher?

How long has he lied to you in general? My ah lied to me so long he really didn’t see gen the jig was up and I was done. I would believe no more lies and the burden switched to him proving that he told the truth

Let’s set the poly aside for a moment..::what other actions has he taken to become a safe partner, work on himself and prove himself to you?

How has he changed?

I'm so sorry, Cujo.

You say he's lied before...that he has a history of not disclosing, TTing, etc.

You've enough lack of trust in him to request a poly. This says so much.

And he has now failed not one poly but two of them.

This is a duck. And I know how terribly painful that is.

But doubting what you know is what turns that pain into suffering. Pain can serve a purpose...it is often a strong motivator to change and grow. But suffering never serves a purpose. It stems only from the resistance to the pain itself...and as a result just prolongs it.

Whether you feel strong enough to take some big steps in your life, in your marriage, is really irrelevant at this moment. What is important now is that you direct your energy and attention toward putting your trust in yourself. It's very likely that THIS is what your experiences have been affirming to you - that you can indeed trust yourself. And much of your suffering has likely been a result of the resistance to that self-trust (which is also resisting the pain of acknowledging what your WH is doing). Quit making this about his feelings toward you. That suggests that you can somehow control it - and you can't...or you would have by now. Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Your WH has every right and ability to choose what kind of life he wants to lead - same as you - and this is what he has chosen. He knows the pain he is causing you...and he had basically rather you feel it than for him to have to feel it. You have to decide if this is the kind of "love" you want...because that is part of your deciding what kind of life you want.

Hugs, honey. This shit hurts..no doubt about that. But it gets easier when you start picking you when you are in doubt about him.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 8:09 PM, February 9th (Friday)]