SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wouldn't that be like a drink of water to a person lost in the desert?

Salt water, yes.

But the excitement of being able to get up to mischief without any consequences, that high must just be so frigging awesome.

If my experience can be of use, I’d like to offer it. I began my one PA expecting to never see AP again. But it became a cycle that arises from the salt water analogy. (I’m poorly equipped to cite scripture but I believe that analogy exists somewhere IIRC.) But when I continued to face what I was doing and began more consistently rationalizing, the intensity described made things difficult to discern- I was ill equipped to discriminate between good intensity and bad intensity- If I suffered this strongly as I “fell in love with AP,” then that surely must be a sign that the Universe was subjecting me to a great test.

So when the question is always posed why a cheater would go back, for me it was an inability to discern between intense emotions. Those intense emotions were exceedingly misleading and it has taken me years to finally be able to place those emotions in check and observe them before acting. Up until then, I was subject to various whims, with the bulk of the work being to retrofit a plausible rationale to the reflexive actions.

I think if people say they have a hard time understanding the concept of sex being somewhat different with different partners, they might be deliberately being a bit obtuse. Sure, the basic mechanics are the same, but certainly it’s not completely “the same” in every way with every single sexual partner. I think everyone who has had more than one sexual partner in their life kind of knows that.

Now, if the BS would like their WS to elaborate on the ways it was different, certainly they can ask their WS that. That would probably provide more useful information, I suppose, depending on what the BS is looking for.

People looking back, discussing, comparing past lovers, sex

being different has a clear meaning on it was different. What

they liked about what each past partner brought to the table.

However when the BS compares sex between their WS and

themselves and the WS and the AP they are not asking how

the affair sex was different they want to know was the affair

sex better than their marriage sex.

However when the BS compares sex between their WS and themselves and the WS and the AP they are not asking how the affair sex was different they want to know was the affair sex better than their marriage sex.

The fundamental issue here is not whether it was better, worse, the same, or different, it's that you are asking a question that you will never get the answer to. So it's an exercise in driving yourself crazy.

Let's consider the meaning of the answers:

Sex with you was better: Could be true, might be untrue but said to try and save some small crumb of your self-esteem.

Sex with AP was better: Ouch, sounds callous and maybe was said to hurt the BH or perhaps instead is a bid to be brutally candid to demonstrate openness.

Different: May have been better, may have been worse, may have been the same, may have been different. Whatever that means.

The fact is that not one of those answers provides any real solace, nor is the WS answer necessarily untrue. We just don't know.

So I come back to my original point, that we're generally happy to say we are a better man than the AP. I would say that about my situation and I am robust enough to state otherwise if I genuinely thought she'd found some amazing man. So if I stand by that, why would I trash all that self-esteem for this one element?

I'll never know anyway, so why torment myself?

Better...different...worse...

For me, all of that pales in comparison to the fact that it was more intense and they wanted it more than they wanted their BS.

They may look back at it now and feel actual nausea. But nothing can change the fact that they will always remember loving it, craving it, when it was going on.

JBWD

But when I continued to face what I was doing and began more consistently rationalizing, the intensity described made things difficult to discern- I was ill equipped to discriminate between good intensity and bad intensity-

Thread drift, but there is a great book out there called How Emotions are Made that resonates with what you are talking about. The idea that emotions are interpretations of what the body is feeling. Physiologically, a lot of situations are indistinguishable. From heart rate to brain waves, anger and arousal appear identical. But in the right context, we interpret as love, in another as something else.

Poorly worded description, but with a google you’ll get a better one.

It doesn't matter if the actual sex was "better". Its pretty obvious the cheater preferred the AP. They chose the AP over their spouse. In some cases for years.

The best case scenario is that they didn't think of their spouse at all. Think about that. Their spouse meant so little they couldn't even be bothered to think about you.

chelsea9, was the sex better, is the BH grasping straws to find

out what is it that he can do to up his game in the hopes of

how he can keep his WW from straying again.

There are somethings that a BH cannot get better at than the

OM.

Also the need to know is that did the OM get full menu sex

while his WW has fed him off of the low fat sex menu. This is

the seeking information so he will not accept less getting

less sexual access from his WW than she gave her OM. This

BH will no longer accept being treated as a 2nd class sexual

partner. OM got 1st class sex I am getting as good and if

better sex than the OM got.

In the end all this questioning, even when done for pain

shopping is the BH need for the full truth. For without the

full truth, trust will never heal, communication between the

WW and the BH will never be fully open, rather very

guarded.

In the end the BH needs the full truth. There is no other way

the WW can ever be fully believed about the past and in

their future.

Without the full truth the BH cannot help to keep wondering

for decades what the truth is

The WW telling the BH that the sex was different is the WW

lying.

In the end does it matter that the WW hand sex with an OM that had a 4" 6" or 8" penis?

I think what matters more is that length of the PA and the

number of times the WW had sex with the OM.

The WW,WH had no problem doing their AP, they have no

excuse to answer their BW,BH questions fully and honestly.

Being honest does not mean being brutal, rather factual,

to the point, not volunteering but letting the BS control the

level of detail that they need to know.

** Posting as a member **

I also agree the WS will never tell their BS the sex was better with the AP if they want to reconcile.

You are ignoring the testimony of some people who have told you that's untrue.

You are lying to yourself.

You will not heal and cannot heal without being honest.

*****

I'm very sorry you're in such deep pain. The fact is that I can't see how you're helping yourself by feeding your confirmation bias.

*****

As I say in my tagline, I trigger on massive over-generalizations.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:37 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]

I also agree the WS will never tell their BS the sex was better with the AP if they want to reconcile.

Sisoon, I have to disagree with you that this is a mass over-generalization.

It’s the same as if someone said you would die if you fell from a 12 story building. I guess you could point out the super rare instances where someone lived, but the statement is true enough where factually you can deem it correct.

How many instances have you seen where a remorseful WS tells their BS the sex with their AP was better than them.

That’s where it is couched with the “it was different”

through decades of reading there have been a few WW

that admitted to the OM penis was bigger and the sex was

with the OM was better.

Sadly I do not remember if the WW and the BH divorced or

recovered.

Though the lack of total truth hurts recovery.

I understand a WW truly wanting recovery will at best say the

sex was different because they fear crushing their BH past the

point of recovery.

Yes there have been WW that said after D day looking back

how bad the feel mentally looking back at their affair sex.

Though that does not change how much they looked forward

to it, enjoyed feeling good doing it with the OM.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 7:50 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]

Sisoon,

Can you point out examples where the WS admitted to the BS sex was better with AP in cases the WS wanted R ?

Can you point out examples where the WS admitted to the BS sex was better with AP in cases the WS wanted R?

Exactly. Because it's not.

You proved the point perfectly.

OwningItNow,

You just made a mass generalization.

There are certainly some cases where sex with AP is better than sex with BS.

HikingOut said there were two or three cases in her time here at SI where waywards admitted this to her via private messages.

My point in accordance with waitedwaytoolong is that those waywards that did have better sex with AP than BS would never tell this to their BS if they wanted R. I don't even see this as controversial.

[This message edited by Username123 at 4:30 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]

The day I confronted my WH, he said she was the 'best sex he's had', mostly because it was forbidden. That she was 'fun' in the bedroom and made him feel wanted.

Now three weeks later, he says we have had the best sex he's had the past 16 years, but with her it was just 'different'.

And he says he wants to work on things for the purpose of R ...

Early stages here, so not sure what to believe. But as the BS, it hurts to hear she could be the best sex he's ever had. For women especially, there is a stigma around this...

[This message edited by Venus1 at 5:07 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]

You just made a mass generalization.

There are certainly some cases where sex with AP is better than sex with BS.

HikingOut said there were two or three cases in her time here at SI where waywards admitted this to her via private messages.

How have you managed to get here from here

I agree that there are a small handful of WS on this site that say sex with their BS was better than sex with their AP but it should be in the dozens or hundreds considering there have been 77,ooo+ people who signed up for this site.

These are two different sides of the pendulum. So which is true?

WalkinOnEggshelz,

My most recent comments were simply refuting OwningIts comment: "Exactly. Because it's not."

Since I starting posting a few days I have had a change of mind. A few days ago I thought the majority of waywards thought sex with AP was better than sex with BS now I believe that is a minority position but I don't believe it is a zero incidence position. I believe HO when she says all but two or three waywards who have addressed this topic via PM thought sex was better with BS. A couple of other WS supported this.

[This message edited by Username123 at 5:43 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]

Your problem is that you can't really answer your question by popular vote. Even if 100% of all the people on this website who cheated on their partners had better sex (whatever the fuck that means) with their affair partners - that still doesn't mean your wife did.

If nothing your partner does or says can convince you that they are telling the truth - which by the sounds of it is the case - then it appears you just don't want to believe them. To me, understanding the why of that is a good place to start therapy.

****

And no; different isn't a magical code word for "better". Why would anyone think the concept of "better sex" is somehow the same across a range of people and a stretch of time..

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 5:53 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]

What fundamentally bothers me is that someone else out there knows something about my wife and has seen my wife in ways that only I should know and see. And not just her hairdresser or her friends, who know things I'll likely never know. It's another man.

As the WW, THIS is what fundamentally bothers me too. NOT whether or not sex was better, but that I shared myself with someone that was not my husband.

It makes me cringe. I make myself cringe.

I mentally try to block any recollection of the sex, as well as any and all interactions between the two of us.

To me, the sex was a mistake. I was a mistake. Everything about the A was a HUGE mistake. My private journal and original poetry are my own personal proof of what I speak (and both keep me sane).

I didn't crave his dick. I craved his words.

I hate myself for it. And I wish AP's dick would dry up and fall off.

(still working on reaching indifference)

sundance,

Thank you for your comments.

I am glad you feel negative emotions for the man who caused your husband so much pain.

How long after Dday did it take you to change your perspective on the sex with your AP from positive to negative ?

How long after Dday did it take you to change your perspective on the affair and AP from positive to negative ?

double post

[This message edited by oldtruck at 9:50 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]