SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A couple of things…

When a WS says they are in contact with the AP yet the affair is over it’s about as believable, reliable and likely to succeed as if he was picking up a sixpack of suds to sip during his AA meeting where he boasts and maybe even makes a toast about his sobriety.
On this site we do have couples where for some reason – good or bad, real or excuse – the WS and AP need to be in some form of contact. Generally minimal at-work interaction. In maybe 2 out of 100 it doesn’t hamper or even wreck any chance of reconciling.

Then his comment about not controlling the OW and her actions.
True.

Not any more than you can control his and his decisions to be with OW or see her as his everlastingchildhoodlovenevertobeforgottenprincess or whatever.
However…
Also not any more than he can control that YOU don’t accept sharing your husband and his actions.

A key factor in recovery is exactly this realization that you can only control what you can control, and generally that’s only us and our actions.

POSSIBLY your actions will make him want the marriage, but you don’t take them with that goal. Your goal is to get out of infidelity, and if the changes you make lead to him wanting to follow you then his actions are what might make your reconsider.

I know of his mental issues. Just keep in mind that often people fall into behavioral patterns that they know work. He might be playing the loony-card and suicide-card because he knows he can manipulate you that way.

Short story: A good friend of my wife and I has a thirtyish son who has been battling cocaine addiction for some years. He’s gotten in and out of debt, lost a marriage, lost jobs… and every now and then he has 1-2 sober years before a relapse. He’s been clean now for a record 3 years. His mom has shared with us that about 3 years ago, when he was threatening suicide if she didn’t help him (once again) financially she simply told him that she couldn’t control what he did. She would mourn him. She had no wish that he died. It would be the ultimate selfishness and that his young kids would really be the people that suffered the most. But it was his call – she couldn’t stop him. She told him she would help in any way she could, but NOT by financing his lifestyle or paying for more coke up his nose.
That shock – of realizing his MOM had more-or-less given up on his ability to stop – was what made him stop. Who knows. Maybe he will relapse, but for now he’s clean and has been getting help for some underlying issues.

Putting this out there because – like your husband correctly said about the OW – you can’t help or prevent what others decide to do. You can only control yourself.

I decided to look up how often this happens and there are thousands of people who yearn for their hs sweetheart. Evidently it’s a thing.
See an atty and take your life back.

A lot of this sounds familiar. Knew ex was unhappy, begged him to get help, he chose an affair. when I found out, he said he wanted a divorce. I embarrassingly begged until he started doing some financial stuff that was unforgivable and realized he had shared so many intimate details of our family with her, broken the sanctity of our marriage and family. I filed and eventually he decided he didnt want a divorce.

Told him he needed to see a therapist, be transparent with all electronics and go NC with still married girlfriend. He agreed to all except NC. Told me she was his friend and always would be. I told him he was going to have a friend and not a wife because I wasnt going to be the third person in my own marriage of 35 years.

We are divorced. Havent spoken to him in 6 years. Have no idea what the relationship is between Ex and still married girlfriend.

Hey Misery - Bigger's post is, IMHO, spot on.

The story about the coke addict's mom is right on too. We cannot control someone from their choices. From infidelity to suicide. Tough and cold pill to swallow, but I think it's accurate.

Hugs.

The only choice you have is how you react to his confines lying and cheating and contact with the OW.

You can leave him and separate.

You can stay in the same home and do the 180.

You can decide to D.

You can kick him to the curb and D him.

However none of these may end his Affair. It may be that the cheater continues to lie and stay in contact w/ AP.

But whatever he does just know you have to look out for yourself. Whatever the outcome.

So regardless of where this goes we need to put our house on the market now. If we have any hope of getting anything out of it then it has to be sold now. We both can agree with that.
Talking with 2 different lawyers I’m in trouble. I make more than him. I have a much larger retirement plan. All cars etc are in both names. We recently bought a used sports car and owe a ton. Frankly I didn’t want it and don’t wanna pay a dime for it!
We’ll need to come to some kinda agreement otherwise if the state decides I lose out big time with a possibility of alimony payments to him for up to 9 years.
Ontop of all of that I have no idea how we’re both gonna pay for the lawyers we need to file for divorce.

If this plays out he will undoubtedly move in with her. Though he says there’s a friend he can rent a room from. He will live rent free with her. The AP has significant money and plans to pay all rent for a full year up front.
I on the other hand will struggle to pay my bills and be stuck in a tiny apartment not worth half of what it costs.
How is any of this fair. How did this turn into my life. He’s been my support system for my entire adult life. I don’t know how to start over.

He comes back to the house tomorrow. We’ve ran out of friends for him to stay with. I’m preparing for the worst. If he’s not 100% in then we’ll sell the house and be done. How could we possibly repair anything if we split like this
At this point I realize his actions scream loud that we’re done he just hasn’t verbalized it yet to me. And I’m falling apart looking at a very doom and gloom future.

(((Misery)))

I remember in the early time how scary the whole idea of D was. And it IS objectively a scary thing - it's a HUGE change and there's a lot of unknowns. It's okay and perfectly normal to be scared. Just don't allow that fear to keep you stuck.

Given that it sounds like your financial situation has some complications, it would be a really good idea for you to get a lawyer. Yes it will cost money, but look at that as money you are investing in yourself and in your future. It will be money well spent.

The good news here is that you do have some leverage. With cars and house and such, you can certainly negotiate with him. For instance - you will sign over car 1 or car 2 and give him x percentage of house proceeds but you keep your retirement. You will give him a lump sum, but will not pay alimony (I totally get the wtf of this, I was the earner in my situation too). A good lawyer can help you navigate these negotiations to get to the best financial outcome for you.

I on the other hand will struggle to pay my bills and be stuck in a tiny apartment not worth half of what it costs.
How is any of this fair. How did this turn into my life. He’s been my support system for my entire adult life. I don’t know how to start over.

Oh honey - NONE of this is fair for you. Not one bit of it. And I am so very sorry. But you CAN start over - as so many of us divorced SIers can attest to. You do that one little baby step at a time. And even though D sucks and is scary, I know more D'd folks than not (myself included) that found that the reality of being free from a cheater is worth whatever it cost us to get there and that the life we have now is sweeter and better than we ever imagined it could be. I also can't think of a single instance in almost 4 years on here that I remember anyone ever saying they regretted getting divorced. I can think of a LOT of instances where people regretted staying.

Check out the fear vs reality thread in the S&D forum too. I think the unknown is the scary part, but for all the what-if fears I had in the early days, hardly any of them came to pass and that seems to be the case for a LOT of people going through a divorce.

Hang in there Misery. It's gonna suck for a while, but I promise you it does get better.

Latest update and may be the last one in this thread as I just posted in the divorce separation one.
My WS has moved out of the house permanently. He does not think the relationship can be repaired and he’s not willing to try. He says he loves me but is no longer "in love" and hasn’t been for probably a year he just didn’t realize it. I don’t understand any of this.
He’s talking divorce right away. And I’m just sitting here absolutely heartbroken. I don’t know this man. It’s not the person I met 20 years ago.
I hate that I have no control over any of this. That these are all things that have been done to me over the last 3 months.
He hopes that we can still be friends and periodically talk. I’ve made it crystal clear that will not be the case. I have not talked with him for over a week except for thing about getting the house ready for sale. But I miss him terribly and am not looking forward to starting over alone. I have a good support system and I know I’ll be ok but I know I will always love and miss him and it’s shocking that it’s not the same for him.

I have a good support system and I know I’ll be ok but I know I will always love and miss him and it’s shocking that it’s not the same for him.

You have a choice about that. Right now, things look so bleak and depressing, but IMHO, you don't have to "always love and miss" that guy. IMHO, he doesn't deserve ANY further consideration on your part, let alone some kind of full-time torch-bearing enterprise whereby you set up shrines and worship from afar. He's a cheater and a liar who just gave you the "let's be friends" routine in order to protect his own image.

You're grieving for the life you had and the future you had planned, but what the hell is lovable about a guy who's capable of the disrespect and inconsideration this guy has piled on you?

Your brain is in the habit of thinking one way about your WH, but that's all a matter of familiar neural pathways which have become dominant in regard to him over the course of a very long time. So, it's not easy to pick a new path forward and stay off the old one, but you can do it. It's just like the parable of the Two Wolves, you stop feeding the old dominant path and start feeding the new one which is of your own deliberate creation. Write down every awful thing your cheater ever did, all his worst traits and worst behaviors, and put your focus on how he didn't deserve you. And that's the bottom line... he didn't deserve you. If he did, he could have never treated you like this.

I'm so sorry. Just know we're here for you.

((hugs))

Hey Misery, tough stuff but you are doing great.

It really does get easier and I’m willing to bet that you will see your M and your STBXWS in a very different light in the next year or so. As the varnish wears off, you really start to see how things really were and it will be enlightening. And you WILL thrive.

As others said, work with you lawyer to negotiate the best deal for you possible. Do not play generous— be outwardly courteous but don’t back down. This is serious business, so go into it with the mindset of getting what is fairly yours. Make sure your lawyer will do this for you.

And although it hurts like hell, not getting dragged through an extended false R is a gift… a crappy one, but better than the alternative. It gets you to healing sooner with fewer added traumas.

Hang in there, lean on your excellent support, and you are going to be okay.

I know I’ll be ok but I know I will always love and miss him and it’s shocking that it’s not the same for him.

It feels that way, but it isn't true. Once the divorce is finalized and you go no contact with him, your feelings for him will gradually fade to nothing. You won't miss him. No contact actually works. I've been there, believe me- I've felt borderline mental with longing and love and missing an ex, and am now completely over it. I've moved on. You'll move on, too.

I on the other hand will struggle to pay my bills and be stuck in a tiny apartment not worth half of what it costs.

Are you sure you should sell the house? Renting is going to be pricey and not as nice as owning your own place. Plus you'll be throwing away money for rent every month instead of building up equity. It just seems that if you could possibly afford to keep the house, you should, especially in this housing market (high prices & high interest rates). It will be hard to buy later on. If you can hang onto the house, you probably should. You haven't made any legal deal with WH to sell the house, so you can still change your mind about that. Forget about what you might have "agreed to" with him. He didn't keep a very major agreement that the two of you made at the altar, did he? You owe him nothing. Go full steam ahead with what is in your best interest.

[This message edited by morningglory at 7:08 PM, Saturday, July 9th]