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She is trying to be the victim.

What a self-serving email she sent to you. That surely stung! KNow that she is no victim. That email reads like she is the betrayed and you the wayward. No matter how lonely she may have felt. No matter how poorly she may have perceived you treated her (I agree she is rewriting in order to justify her actions), she had choices:

1. TALK to you! Why do none of them TALK to their spouses about how unhappy they supposedly are...

2. Get herself into IC to have someone help her through her *feelings*

3. Get a cat! Ok - hope you laughed but when I was feeling lonely in my marriage I got a cat - WS got a girlfriend! Yes I can laugh about it NOW.

4. File for D.

5. Have an A. Which shouldn't ever be an option but every WS makes that choice.

Hold your head high. No matter what perceived issues there were in the M, it is no reason to cheat. I think you know that, but you will, at times, question if her vitriol has merit. Keep reminding yourself that it does not.

Get that abusive bitch out of your life. I have read some nasty wayward stories on SI, but this little girl is going for the Olympic gold. Unbelievable. She tells you you're the bad guy? She has no idea just how bad a guy you can be. She is about to find out.

U&B, have you maybe had the chance/time to take a lot at the book Toxic parents? It's available online for free.

Best wishes

The anxiety and depression you are feeling are what I have been feeling in an overwhelming way or entire marriage. That untrusting feeling is how I have felt for years. Those are the feelings you said made me crazy and wrong.

I know that you have been to a therapist but that doesn't mean you are getting any where. I will tell you, I'm done. And that has nothing to do with POSOM. It's because I can't believe you love me. No matter how badly you hurt me I never treated you the way you have treated me. I don't think you have problems asserting yourself. I think you are selfish and a coward and a bully. I don't think you love me, I don't think you know how to love. Until you are changed completely there is no way we can be together. Right now all you can see is your pain you say you understand mine but those are only words. Your actions say that I don't hurt enough so you are going to inflict as much pain as you can. I am not going to do that. I'm going this weekend to look for an apartment I can afford. You can have all the furniture if you want, I don't care anymore. You have cut me to the core. You can't hurt me any more than you already have. I'm not going to open myself up to more pain. That's really all I have to say.

Like someone said, the NC really worked her up and she is lashing...

she is trying to hurt you as much as she can..

why did you contact her? what did you say to her?

Her words smack of self entitlement.

Like a teenager being told that they cannot go to that concert several states away on a school night.

Keep maintaining NC, remember, you are a controlling, vindictive, spiteful bully, and she will twist anything you say to suit that description.

She has to, because it isn't remotely possible that she is a cheating piece of gutterscum, no, it's because you *made* her do it.

Besides, regarding Facebook, I am sure a few other people aren't dumb enough to think that if one spouse unfriends and removes any reference of their spouse on their page, while doing all these activities with a new chum, that there is no affair going on. I admit, me and a couple of pals play "Facebook spy" when we feel we're not being told the truth.

Dumb bitch outed herself on Fakebook.

[This message edited by MollyMoo at 9:09 AM, May 22nd (Friday)]

Kinda figured from her reaction. No problem. It happens. What did you say to her to get that type of a response, if you don't mind sharing? If you don't want to that is fine. Just seemed like the type of reaction of someone that just got dumped and is trying to save their narcissistic face. the old, "You left me, no, wait, I am through with you. You have made our entire M Hell." type of thing. Don't buy into it as other posters stated. She is in fantasy land and has rewritten the M history. In addition it is part of her personality from what she has stated and by her actions she sounds like a narcissist.

Have you found out anymore about your "son of the heart"?

I don't buy into anything she says. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

It's part of 180, remember? "Do not believe any of what THEY SAY and less than 50% of what THEY do."

In one ear, out the other. Or whatever the visual equivalent of that is...

I was dumb enough to reach out with this yesterday:

I was deeply hurt by you. Betrayed by you. I lashed out with Facebook post in anger. It was wrong. It was incredibly immature. I'm sorry for further deepening the damage of the situation. I removed the post within minutes and have not made another about our relationship since. At the time that I posted it, I filtered it so DS would not see it.

She replied:

I know, everyone supports you. Believe me, I know. I find it interesting that if you do understand your part and are taking responsibility for your actions over the last 10 years, why was that not even mentioned?

I assume you told your therapist I had an affair, did you tell him your part? Did you tell him how you have been behaving? What did he have to say?

I answered:

Our mutual friends don't support me - they support us. They want to see us work through this and come out stronger. With God, that is certainly possible. But we have to be willing.

I do understand my part that I have played in some strains on our marriage. And, I've mentioned them to many - including [MUTUAL FRIEND WE BOTH TALKED TO] today. And, he got onto me for them. Rightly so. I've never been a perfect husband, and I've failed you many times. I recognize that. I've also told This Friend, That Friend, Another Friend and Yet Another Friend about my actions and failures over the years. The Facebook post did not mention my failings because it was made in anger and hurt. I will gladly tell the world every single bad thing I've done or brought into our marriage. I don't care to hide it any more. That was the point of the post... no more hiding.

I did tell my therapist about the affair. I have spent our sessions talking about my part and only my part (aside from the obvious effects of my anxiety and depression that has come from the revelation of the affair.) You can see in his notes, which I'm willing to show you, that he's been working with me. He believes that my doormat nature and my workaholism are stemming from an assertiveness issue. That I'm not comfortable communicating with others in any real way because I am afraid to assert my needs/wants/feelings or, accept responsibility for what I've done. I agree with him. I need to learn how to assertively communicate without letting fear control the communication. And, with his help, I am learning how to.

---

I gave her WAY too much insight into my head. I don't know why I was surprised she turned it on me.

Never again.

Never again.

Never. Again.

NEVER AGAIN.

I will gladly tell the world every single bad thing I've done or brought into our marriage.

UAB. Yeah. You screwed up huge by sending her such a message. Look. There are things in my marriage I could have done better...but none of it warranted my fWW banging her best friend's brother for 8 months!

Dude. The attitude you display in those messages worries me. Your thread on this board is hall-of-fame length. And you've done so much so right.

C'mon, man. 180.

One day, you're going to be somebody's SpaceGhost! You have been doing very well.

The woman you married is GONE. There's nothing to reach out to.

You reach out, she lashes out. Keep your hands away from the stove, young man.

Of course it sucks, but you will be fine. You're gonna find out that you don't need her, and never did.

I think she's pissed at the same thing my XWW is pissed at: rather than fuck someone else while I was married, I have taken the opportunity handed to me by my lying coward to become more introspective, and to become a better man. My XWW sees it, and realizes that if she'd approached me with the suggestion that we work our shit out like normal people, she could be enjoying the new and improved ChangeMaker. Instead, she festers away knowing that my new girlfriend is reaping the rewards.

You might as well get something out of all this shit; keep up the IC and the self-improvement.

UAB, it was a mistake to send that message because it made her the victim, and she ate it up. However, it is clear that you realize that and it has strengthened your resolve not to break NC again, which a good thing.

I gather that you are filing for divorce today. That is also a good thing. It will be difficult but if she contacts you again, refer her to your lawyer for anything dealing with the divorce.

Keep posting on here, as it will help you cope.

Well, my mistake yesterday certainly straightened me out.

Back to being tough as nails.

Lawyer has been called. Gave him the greenlight.

Give the bitch hell.

You can give the bitch hell.

But what you should really do is give her the space she is beating you for.

Permanently.

So you weren't husband of the year. Who really is?

She had the option to leave you. To divorce you.

Instead she chose to lie, cheat and go Jeffrey Dahmer on you.

And she feels justified in doing so.

Who is she hurting now? Herself.

That is why you go dark. That is why you have her served.

The best revenge is too live well!

Always remember that.

You have a bright future ahead of you. The key is to want it and let it happen.

And if your STBXW raised some valid issues about you then work with your IC to straighten them out so you are 100% ready for the next woman you decide to have a relationship with.

HM

If perfection was a requirement in marriage...

You slipped up. Big deal. Almost all of us have. You're plowing through this better than most of us did.

Your next communication with her should come through a process server.

So Unloved,

Just what are some of the "failings" YOU have done over the 10 or 11 year marriage?

I bet it does not compare to her affair and the mental abuse she inflicting now.

I can't imagine unless you beat her or screamed and yelled at her when dinner was done on time.

she is soooooo selfish and self centered.

and again never mention the VAR never talk about it to anyone but us.

if anything is ever said about it I'd go with what Freeme said it must of been put there by POSOM

[This message edited by convert at 10:50 AM, May 22nd (Friday)]

And she thinks you have NO problem being assertive?

I believe she is wrong yet again on this point.

do not share you therapy notes with her

and I think I would put the dam Facebook post back up (leave your failings out of it).

I think some of the problem may have been not exposing far and wide enough when you first found out.

It usually kills the affair. it did in my case

[This message edited by convert at 10:55 AM, May 22nd (Friday)]

Glad to hear it, keep it up!

UAB,

Whatever your "failings" have been in the marriage, your WW has had her share as well (even if you remove the cheating). Yet you didn't choose to cheat on her.

So her "justifications" for cheating are complete bullshit.

There are NO perfect husbands/wives. We all make mistakes. We all have periods of time where we're more selfish or more giving than our spouse. That's just life.

Your goal at this point should NOT be giving her hell. It should be exiting the marriage as cheaply and quickly as you can, so you are free to find some who will treat you better. You don't have much in the way of assets. You don't have custody to fight over. Don't make divorce a battleground because you'll both take the beating. Ask your attorney's opinion, but no fault may be your better option. Start listing y'all's assets and liabilities and determine a fair split of your community.

I agree with Molly Moo and Trivial. Excellent stuff by Trivial.

This is going to come across strong. Sorry in advance.

Yes, the message yesterday ? At least you admit you screwed up. That was one of the biggest pieces of capitulation that I have seen here. Sorry, it's true.

There are two problems as I see it.

1) You even told her that the door is still open for you guys, even after what she's done. Is this true ?

2) You MUST GO NC immediately. When you broke it yesterday, you gave her enough ammo to take over Fort Knox. You have been told here a dozen times if not more that the affair is not your fault and that she's gaslighting you.

I have a hunch you are buying into the "you neglected me" line of BS she's feeding you. I thought you were past this. You were doing well for a while.

You were supposed to talk to the attorney and file this morning. Did you ?

With all due respect, you need to figure out what you want. You are 32, you have your life ahead of you. She is 37 and a remorseless cheater. The kid isn't even yours legally. You have few assets. This is as clean a break as it can get. What is holding you back ?

Oh and Convert is right. Out that facebook post back up

[This message edited by Western at 11:33 AM, May 22nd (Friday)]

So Unloved,

Just what are some of the "failings" YOU have done over the 10 or 11 year marriage?

I bet it does not compare to her affair and the mental abuse she inflicting now.

I can't imagine unless you beat her or screamed and yelled at her when dinner was done on time.

Never raised my hand to her. What's ironic about that is that we've had... mmm... 5 or 6 fights where she lost control of her anger and beat the shit out of me. I haven't wanted to admit that, especially to you guys. Only my best friend knows. And his XWW did the same to him. Amazing.

Here's what I've done: About 6 years ago, I got laid off from my job. I tried to keep a good attitude. But I went on - and I'm not exaggerating - over 100 job interviews and got nothing. I spun out into depression. I gave up. I started dealing with the stress by engaging in retail therapy and playing video games. Just gave up on looking for work. I started lying about the money I was spending. It was bad. It was really, really bad. And, eventually, I snapped out of it, got off my ass and got a job and knocked my shit off. But believe you me, as you can tell, she never, ever, ever let me forget my until-now darkest hour. I apologize and I worked HARD to be trustworthy again. She still hangs it over my head. SMH. I get that it can't be easy to learn to trust again. But come on... 6 years ago. And I made myself transparent as hell and have worked my ASS OFF at both my jobs to make a good living for us.

She's also convinced I had an affair with a former co-worker of mine. I didn't. We were friends, nothing more. She was my brother's girlfriend at the time anyway. Some of us don't have the capacity to cheat on our spouses and totally fuck our brother over. The second she told me she suspected that something was going on with my co-worker, I ejected lady from my life immediately and showed my STBXWW every shred of contact I had ever had. I had nothing to hide. Naturally, after I exposed her affair to her, she threw her "knowing I had an affair with [Co-Worker]" at me and said we're even now. I got about 2 inches from her face and very coldly said, "No. I didn't have an affair on you. Do you know why? Because it's cruel. I wasn't even interested, but if I were - I couldn't actually bring myself to do that to you or DS. Because it's the most cruel thing a person can do to their family."

And then, there's the fact that I work 2 jobs. I work my ass off. And it's all for her. Because she always felt like we don't make enough money to make her comfortable. So, I worked the jobs and was a workaholic to make it happen. The best part about that claim is that the 2nd job is done from home. I sat on the couch next to her, talked to her while doing it. We still watched our shows together and everything, while I was working. And, I did make time for her - at least, from my perspective I did. I tried to make time to converse without my laptop between us. I took her out on dates. I have her my undivided attention on weekends and refused to work.

Anyway, I know I haven't been perfect. BUT, I also know that in no way did I EVER deserve what she's done.

she is soooooo selfish and self centered.

Understatement of the year. Evil. The bitch is evil.

and again never mention the VAR never talk about it to anyone but us.

if anything is ever said about it I'd go with what Freeme said it must of been put there by POSOM

Roger, Roger.