I've been away for a bit so some catch up.
I personally found the men and change quotes offensive. Yes sometimes we as men are more focused on things other than relationships and I personally struggle at times expressing my feelings, but I am not emotionally stunted or lacking self awareness. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and that isn't one of the partners trying to be the reference standard for what's acceptable and unacceptable. Is invalidating my feelings any better than me getting angry over this invalidation? Both are wrong and my anger was not the only problem in the marriage. Learning to call her out was my liberation and also the end of our marriage because as an unremorseful WW she couldn't accept I wasn't mostly responsible for the problems in our marriage and hence her EA.
Her dress was fine if all you enjoyed was pajamas/sleep ware and I'm not talking about lingerie. When I see her lately she's wearing new clothing and a heavily padded (just another lie) bra. I find it all pathetic and typical of her recent behaviour.
I would never be described as messy and I take care of my own messes when they do happen.
Regarding sexual adventure (BJs, etc.). My STBXWW was adventuresome during our courtship, but once we were married that along with frequency changed significantly. In hindsight is seems like another manipulation, but I'm likely oversensitive because of other things she has done. I agree with the others, a major part of my enjoyment is knowing that my partner is also enjoying herself. In the past I focused on her enjoyment and often only got a quickie at the end. After her EA I recognized this as just another manifestation of her self-centered (it's all about her) attitude.
Looking may have less to do with the scale then just enjoying something specific about that particular person. I know woman have a problem with this and for the most part I do not look when I'm with someone and don't leer ever, but men are visual creatures and we notice things we like. Maybe think of it this way, your husband could write a romantic poem and it would be extra special because it was from him, but if you then went to a poetry reading would you appreciate a romantic poem from a noted poet in a different way? I'm guessing you would. For me woman are similar, I love the one I'm with because she is connected to me, though I may still appreciate the form of another woman, but in a different way.
I find pregnant woman who do not put on too much weight during pregnancy sexy. There's something special about someone bringing a new life into the world.
I'm attracted to the total package and looks at some level are part of the package. I believe too much of a difference in the perceived scale is an issue. If she's a 5 and I'm a 9 and I'm with her because of confidence issues then that will likely cause other problem in our relationship. Note I said perceived. Some people may on average be called a 5, but if they think and act like they are a 7 then that can change things. The converse can also be true, you're on average a 7, but you feel and act like a 5. Regarding looking at 5's I'm guessing there is some feature they have that is appealing (e.g. very nice breasts, a spectacular body, a cute smile, etc.).
I've never had crusty underwear just from looking or for that matter talking. For me crusty would require much more stimulation than that. Now a visual clue that I'm attracted is a different story, but sometimes that happens for no apparent reason so is not always an accurate indicator.
STBXWW never swallowed. Either spit all over me or had a hand towel (preferred). Being willing was enough for me, but swallowing adds another dimension to the enjoyment.
I think curvy has a strong personal preference. I prefer some curves, but that being said, for me there can be too much of a good thing in regards to curvature. I'm definitely not into the big booty that some find appealing and yes even breasts can be too big, but I'm fairly sure all those are fake anyway and who wants to be with someone who has that big of a self esteem issue. I also don't find a bunch of rolls attractive, but a flat stomach is not required either. My basic rule is your belly shouldn't extend out more than your chest and that applies to me as well.
I can only speculate that he may have wanted to have anal with you, but out of respect thought you were not really interested and only accommodating him. With OW it may have been different or he may not have cared enough about her to consider her feelings (i.e. she was just a sexual object).
Her betrayal will not define who I am, but it has left permanent scars and sensitivities that I expect will effect any future relationships. These sensitivities will likely fade over time, but it's going to take an extra special women to get me interested in a relationship once I'm divorced. A shorter duration marriage/relationship may be different and I'm certain it is dependent on the person. Personally this has been a devastating experience for me.
Appreciation is a big one for me as well. I worked hard to allow her to be a SAHM and we still had a privileged life (6k sf house on acreage). I helped out around the house and did almost all the outdoor chores (including chopping cords of wood to heat the house because she liked it warm and then she'd complained that I only did it to save money). She usually complained about what I didn't get done instead of appreciating what I did do.
