SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi brother. I have to agree with most above. Stevesn post!

D is shitty at the best of times. But she feel and this just my opinion she is just too involved emotionally with the dude. Wants him yet likes what you provide. When are you going to make her accountable? I was military for 24 years now low level LE, accountability and responsibilities for ones actions. Start D now it can be stopped at any time. Get her to look for accommodation, how much she will have left over after paying all bills etc. Not that much.

Responsibilities of why you told? Your personal values:

Courage, to speak up!

Honesty you Know right from wrong!

Integrity to do what is right!

Loyalty to one self and others!

Leadership, setting a path for others to follow!

These CHILL values are part of military and LE. Each service may differ in the wording but essentially cover all areas including marriage.

R is good if both parties truly want D if both parties don’t have the courage or commitment to each other. WW doesn’t exhibit the commitment to your marriage.

Sorry

One day at a time.

Buffer

deleted

[This message edited by decimus at 7:32 PM, April 9th (Thursday)]

What is it going to take for you to understand that your WW is light years away from being R material ?

There's no such thing as "my privacy" in a M other than toilet time, once you tie the knot it becomes "our privacy", so don't feel bad for a second about "snooping", the privacy blame game is in chapter one of the "Cheaters Handbook" when it comes to Dday.

Brother let me tell you something, IMHO you're at this point posting in the wrong SI forum, you should be posting in the D/S forum, just file, expose her with everyone and have her served without warning, no need to tell her a thing, she's a grown woman, you've told her countless times what you need so no need to keep beating a dead horse, if she comes around before D is final then maybe then should you stop it and consider R, or NOT !!!.

Hi TIF, I just read your entire thread. Wow, you have been on quite a rollercoaster. I am sorry.

From reading your thread in a relatively short time, what stuck out to me is how consistently she is throwing out bits of R to you while trying to control the narrative, particularly what she is willing to give you. Infidelity is often about control. And that's not how R works. A remorseful spouse says (excluding anything abusive or illegal), "I am so sorry I did this to you. I will do whatever you need in order to fix this and make you feel safe. Please give me the chance to win you back." And then he or she acts grateful for that opportunity and acts on YOUR timetable. Maybe not perfectly, but consistently. A remorseful spouse doesn't barter and pout and expect time to consider if she likes your terms. She doesn't bounce back and forth.

You started out ready to draw boundaries, but it appears that as the shock wore off you became complacent about enforcing them. And as the shock wore off, the sadness and fear of divorce crowded out the anger. That's understandable. I don't wish divorce on anyone. It shouldn't be anyone's Plan A. The phrase that's said around here, though, that you have to be willing to let go of your marriage in order to save it is a true one. She is the equivalent of a half dead corpse that you have to move through the motions. You won't make progress that way. As long as you are willing to do the work for the both of you, she will happily let you, no matter what she says. And you will spin and spin your wheels till you emotionally burn out.

The timing of her embarrassment is suspicious. I can't help but wonder if OM rejected her again in some way (or she finally realized he's not leaving his wife any time soon) or people at work found out about the affair, and that is causing her feelings of shame. Maybe both. I wouldn't trust what you overhear her say to her friend. It could be the truth, or she may just not want her friend to think badly of her. There are plenty of women out there that might vent about their husbands but would not support a girlfriend's cheating. None of my friends would. They would rip me a new one.

The back and forth of whether to believe her about the level of physical contact she has with OM will continue to exhaust you. If one were to compile all the stories on here and do the math, you'd find at least 90% of WS who said it didn't progress who were lying. As in the BS eventually found out after digging that it wasn't true or the WS confessed more eventually (sometimes after months or years). Many right before a polygraph. Polygraphs aren't a foolproof tool on their own, but if you combine them with all the other evidence a BS has gathered, they can be a powerful one. I would strongly reconsider having her tested. Tell her you are hoping she's telling the truth, but her lies make that impossible without some proof. I don't know if their administration is currently halted or not due to covid, but you can at least do research and schedule one. If you do, don't let her do it, and don't tell her which one you choose.

You've gotten a lot of good advice on here from SI vets. Any message board can become an echo chamber, but if you read through the threads you'll see that people on here come from all walks of life, religions (or not), and even countries. Some reconcile, some divorce, and some rugsweep. All have learned from whichever path they took, through much blood, sweat, and many tears, and they are sharing from their very real experiences. They aren't philophising and giving theoreticals. There's a reason you get the feedback you do.

I really hope she wakes up and you are able to repair your marriage. Either way, though, you want to get healthier. That won't happen by letting her run the show.

“If we can try again, then I would like to try again. If we have to separate I will be OK." She unresigned after that.

This quote alone should be enough for a gone to see that she is not R material. She should be begging you for a second chance! This sounds like she is asking a waitress for specific type of dressing for the salad she is ordering. If they don’t have the special salad dressing, any old salad dressing will be ok.

Don’t allow yourself to be The Ranch Dressing of her life.

Stay strong

I understand if some of you believe this is a creative writing prompt. I assure you it is not.
Today Easter dinner is at my "friend's", for this post WF. Also there is my WF's husband, for this post FBH.
So as you all know I overheard a conversation between WW and WF where they both spoke of their APs. My WW in the past tense, but WF in the present. I told FBH that he was being betrayed. Shortly thereafter it became known to all that I was the info source and I had gotten that info by eavesdropping.
So history prior to this moment, for the last three years, WF's family and I became very close. We had a standing date for dinner together each Friday. FBH is a police officer and came about 20% of the time. WF and I, at least on the surface, were pretty good friends. WW and WF are also good friends. My WW and I would often say we didn't know who WF liked more, me or her. Her kid and ours get along really well and are basically best friends.
So WF's family is very close with ours. WF is the mutual friend from earlier in the thread that encouraged my WW to poly. She also told me she would have already left my WW if she was me.
While we did cancel on Friday, we didn't cancel Easter plans that we had made weeks ago (atheist yes, but culturally Christian: get that ham). I know at some point WF is going to want to talk to me. She had previously said she isn't mad and just wants to still be friends. We talked a little more past that but she has been very busy at work and with trying to repair her marriage.
Everyone apparently just wants to "move on". Is this just a massive rug sweeping?
Anyway, it seems that "life goes on" for some people apparently very rapidly. I'm personally very confused at the apparently dismissive reaction to everything that's happened by basically everyone (hell, myself included). I had sort of expected WF to excommunicate me and for WW to want a D but neither of those is true. I'm currently quite confused.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 3:44 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:33 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

What they do in their marriage doesn't matter. It doesn't provide a road map for what you should do in yours.

As others have said over and over, based on what you've provided, there doesn't seem to be much to indicate remorse or R material. But it's up to you.

ETA: What is the state of mind of WF's husband?

[This message edited by steadychevy at 3:05 PM, April 12th (Sunday)]

BFH and I haven't talked since I told him about WF.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 3:44 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:34 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

I am not sure why you are still doing couple things with your WW nor do I understand what you are doing physically getting together with other people during this time but perhaps you live somewhere with less restrictions than I do. Beyond that I think you have done your duty towards that man and told him of what you knew. You have no further role in their marriage or what they decide to do. To me all you get by discussing it with them is that your WW is going to expect you to accept whatever outcome or rug-sweeping that this couple has.

TOF,

I just don’t get it. God God, what kind of friend is WF? She encourages your wife to cheat on you and then turns around and tells you that if she were you, she’d leave WW because she cheated. Is this not registering with you. How can you be friends with someone that is NOT a friend of your marriage? Somehow, I think I’ll get a multi-paragraph analysis/rebuttal while all this makes sense.

Our kids are being watched by the same private daycare provider M-F and daycare is still allowed as an essential service with class sizes allowed under some number. There really is no good separation between them. It would be not crazy, but very inconsistent to say they needed to be separated all of the sudden.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 3:44 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:35 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

This is all so very strange. It does sound irresponsible to be getting together from a social distancing standpoint, but everything else too.

Then again, maybe it is not so confusing. You were the one who put all the power in your WW's hands to decide whether to stay married or not. Of course your WW wants to still stay married to you. You make more money, divorce is messy, and besides, who the hell knows what would possibly happen with her OM anyway. You're good enough, the safe choice. It is annoying how sometimes you tell your WW that she needs to leave her job though, so stop that. You and she have been through this several times already, you both know that it's never gonna happen. Just get back to rug-sweeping, OK. While you look at her "like a lost puppy" that is.

ETA: Seriously, I do hope you are coming to see that you cannot stay in this situation. Maybe the way I put it above, to try to wake you up, came across too harsh. Dismayed2012 already put it very very nicely below.

You need to take back control and set boundaries. This isn't about you controlling your WW, it is instead about you getting control back in your own life and what you insist upon what you need to stay in this marriage. Right now WW and her crazy ways are driving this car off the road, and if you don't put your foot down--the emergency brake is on your side of the car remember--she will have the both of you into a tree. If after you put your foot down she still insists upon going about her nonsense, then you are better off getting out of the car and going at this alone.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:47 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

TOF,

I just don’t get it. God God, what kind of friend is WF? She encourages your wife to cheat on you and then turns around and tells you that if she were you, she’d leave WW because she cheated. Is this not registering with you. How can you be friends with someone that is NOT a friend of your marriage? Somehow, I think I’ll get a multi-paragraph analysis/rebuttal while all this makes sense.

No shit! What the hell, man?

It's quite obvious that WF is attracted to OP. She has a different set of standards for him, as opposed to his wife. And she's proven to have no boundaries.

There is zero reason to be friends with this woman. She is not a true friend to OP,or his wife, and is a wayward,so she isn't the kind of person his wife should want to associate with, if she is a remorseful WS. Oh..wait..

Yes, it is indeed possible that WW's "friend" is attracted to This0Is0Fine and was allowing herself to 'let' something happen. Maybe that is why she told him that if she were in TIF's position she would leave WW too. She may not have been doing this as a friend of TIF or a friend of the marriage, she may have instead been hoping to wedge herself in between TIF and his WW.

I'm more concerned with the fact that TiF's WW had to be convinced all over again to tell the BH of her WW friend after what happened with the SIL/BIL. It makes it seem like she doesn't really see As as all that big of a deal and she was paying you lipservice by going along with telling BIL, TiF. And if she doesn't think it's such a big deal and has plenty of support from these other WWs around her, is she possibly hiding another A or more? Is that why she doesn't want to do the polygraph?

I don't think WF is attracted to me. As for my WW excusing infidelity in others again, she claims she told WF to tell BFH, but that it was up WF to tell BFH. That it wasn't her place or my place to do it.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 1:53 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:34 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

There is a point where you have to decide whether you eat the poop sandwich you have been handed, or toss it in the trash.

You passed that point a while back and are just staring at it sitting there in front of you.

That will continue until you do something with it...

As for my WW excusing infidelity in others again, she claims she told WF to tell BFH, but that it was up WF to tell BFH. That it wasn't her place or my place to do it.

The above illustrates what a strange, skewed, topsy turvy world waywards inhabit.

It is their 'place' to commit infidelity and damage the lives and well-being of others, about which they have no boundaries at all, but it is not their 'place' to expose infidelity, about which they have a clear, well-defined, black-and-white boundary, which they refuse to cross.

And that makes sense to them.

Edited to add: Courtesy of lockdown, I have been watching old DVDs, and last night I watched 'Goodfellas'.

It occurred to me that the wayward mind-set is not a million miles away from the criminal mind-set, where doing bad things is fine and acceptable, but the biggest 'crime' is to be a 'rat' or 'stool pigeon', and expose the activities of others.

[This message edited by M1965 at 5:04 AM, April 14th (Tuesday)]

Your wife has bad friends that have no morals TIF. Her friends are encouraging her to have no morals, not that she has any in the first place. Meanwhile, you seem to be riding along in the back seat looking out the window while others drive your marriage. Whether you have morals or not, I cannot tell.

You are right to eves-drop on your family whenever you want. They are your family and if you're eves-dropping to make sure your family is intact and safe, you aren't wrong. If your WW is upset, then she's only upset because she wants to keep secrets from you. Keeping secrets is not what a faithful spouse does.

You are right to inform your friends and even acquaintances if their spouse is cheating. We each have an obligation to society in general to be decent to each other and to point out danger when others don't see it. Informing a person, whether your friend or a stranger, when you have overheard that their marriage/family might be in trouble, is the same as pulling them out of the way of a careening car. You could be saving their life.

There's an old and psychologically sound and tested saying. You become who your friends are. If you want to be a good person, you hang out with good people. The converse is true also. If you hang out with bad people, you become as they are. No one is above this rule. The best people have become corrupted over time because they hung out with corrupt people.

You have a choice as to how strong you want your marriage to become. If you keep hanging out with cheaters, your wife's morals will continue to fade away and you will either end up divorced or worse, emasculated and living a life of regret. Somebody with a little sense needs to take the steering wheel and turn the car around because it's not been heading in a good direction.

You see that you got results once you had that moment where you decided not to put up with your wife's foolishness and were willing to dissolve the marriage. You had the wheel of the car. It's important now that you keep hold of the wheel and continue to turn it around. Be the man of the house and set and stick with the rules that you lay down. It's not being a dictator or a warden. It's taking up your responsibility as the leader of the household and the leader of your marriage. It's the most affirming thing you can do for your wife but also and most importantly, it's the way you take your life back. I truly wish the best for you.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 5:38 PM, April 13th (Monday)]