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Well, I had a reply to my letter that I sent asking for a little bit of ad-hoc contact with the children!

"Our client will not at present agree to any additional contact time between you and the children"

"Our client considers that the interim contact order sets out a suitable level of contact at present" (Wednesday nights and alternate weekends)

I will admit that I never actually expected a positive response and my intention was to demostrate to the judge that not only can she not be relied upon to reasonably agree to ad-hoc contact but she continues to dictate.

Great eh?

AllatSea

Well done!

Your letter and reply establishes that you are not content with the current arrangement. Your CBSTBXW cannot make any claim going forward that you accept the current sharing arrangement.

Since they refer to the current order, it opens the opportunity for you to have your lawyer request the current order be adjusted. The judge will see that you tried to do it directly, politely and you have no other options at this time. Xmas is getting close, the judge might do something here, even if it is for the holidays?

Keep her on the defense, she shares your costs every time you push to settle.

my 2 cents.

Good Luck

Whilst the judge ruled that she pay half of my divorce costs this only applies to the basic petition for divorce and doesn't include any legal costs associated with fighting over children or assets. Sad but true

I already have an acceptable arrangement this year for Christmas so it's not too bad

[This message edited by allatsea at 7:20 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Tomorrow I attend court again. She has devastated my life more than I ever thought possible and now she forces me to see her in court when she could so easily have been conciliatory. This time it’s under the pretence of reaching agreement on the split of assets but I know she will procrastinate, accuse and play the victim. Gru will be there (but not in the judge’s chambers) to offer a smug and googly eyed look. All of my healing is undone when I see her. Even though we haven’t been together for 10 months the previous 19 years cause me to act and feel in a habitual way. I have spent the whole week feeling low and dreading being anywhere near her. I miss her and my complete family so much.

Despite me offering CSTBXWW 50% of everything back in March and our recently submitted financial documents being largely in agreement, she filed for a hearing to get exactly what I offered 9 months ago. We have a modest list of assets and the amount she is spending on lawyers astounds me. For this hearing there are no court decisions so lawyers aren’t necessary yet she is bringing one. Another $1000 down her drain. She gets them to fill in every form and write every letter, possibly because she can distance herself from facing reality.

She is deliberately withholding key pension information and I imagine it’s because she knows that it’s worth more than mine. In her deluded world the judge will simply rule that we keep our respective pensions, which just can’t happen.

Maybe she thinks that her small baby bump and her big doey eyes will get her special treatment from the judge. Maybe she’ll wear another figure hugging short dress like she did last time. Maybe he’ll throw out the legal rules and award her everything. I honestly think her brain has rewired itself and/ or she hangs on every word that Gru says. They only have each other and he is a controlling alpha who knows everything (even though his knowledge of the law is limited).

CSTBXWW knows that my negotiation skills are legendary and she also knows that I ‘know my onions’ when it comes to my legal rights so maybe she needs a lawyer there to ensure an equal playing field. My lawyer has given me her home number so I can call in case of any query. I would just rather not be there at all.

On the plus side, I received the court order for her to pay my costs from the last hearing. I enjoyed sending her lawyer a letter asking for immediate payment (as is the law in this country). That should be a nice Christmas present waiting on her doorstep this morning.

My eldest son was pausing for thought the other day and then exclaimed “only 15 more days until Christmas, Daddy”. To which I replied, actually DS, it’s only 14. He then said “Yes, but it’s 15 until boxing day and that’s when we see you.” I near burst into tears. For an 8 year old to be practically ignoring Christmas day in preference of the day he sees me. Wonderful and sad at the same time.

My heart goes out to you. Be strong! I'm so sorry you're caught up in this nightmare.

(((((AAS)))))

((((allatsea)))) Sending you strength for the days ahead.

((allatsea))

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Praying that she'll look like crap and that your feelings can be numb so you can get through this horrible ordeal. Your kids are so lucky to have a dad like you. Hang in there.

..sending you good mojo for your future court dates.

..keep yourself strong and focus on your kids.

Wishing you the best and merriest Christmas possible!

smy

allatsea, I think you're right. She does now know that you know your rights, but she also knows that you are prepared to fight to get them when necessary now too. That's why she's bringing the lawyer. I'm glad that your solicitor has said you can phone her if you need her advice so that you have back-up if you should need it while you are there.... and of course you know that we are all there with you in spirit too. I'm sure you're right about the pension and I hope you can force her into revealing it. My fingers are crossed that it will go your way tomorrow and that you do actually get something decided. It will certainly help your Christmas along if you feel you're finally getting somewhere.

I love what your little boy said to you about Boxing Day allatsea and if you can, try to focus on looking forward to that day and really pulling out all the stops to make that a special day for them by having your own little Christmas that day. As for her Christmas, like you say, the postman will be bringing her a letter today or tomorrow that she definitely didn't put on her Christmas list!

Anyway, I know it's going to be hard tomorrow allatsea, but please know you are in all our thoughts.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 11:37 AM, December 19th (Thursday)]

aas-

Sending you all the best of my mojo for tomorrow!

REAM HER ASS!!!!

Not sure what boxing day is, but am glad to hear your DS is exciting for it, and seeing you! Bless his heart!

Sending strength.

Be strong, be prepared, and don't back down. You have EVERY right to see your children. And if the bitch wants to play around spending money that you don't have, then tell her that your 50% offer is off the table now, and you want 60/40 in your favor. I'll be thinking major mojo thoughts your way tomorrow.

Sending you strength today, AAS.

))))))

Sending you strength today, AAS.

^^^ Plus one.

keep hanging tough brother

strength

Hope you're OK allatsea.

Hello folks,

Thanks for thinking of me.

Friday was emotionally draining and nothing was resolved, as expected.

CSTBXWW held off with some pertinent information until three minutes before we went to see the judge. She then got frustrated when I said that I wasn't prepared to make a decision without reading the document first. It transpires that said document does not tell the whole story and she was keen for me to settle to prevent me from challenging the numbers.

The judge was at least able to correct some of her stupid assumptions. Yet again the judge said that there was so little to settle that we should be able to resolve it ourselves but she is not able or prepared to do so.

Gru was there acting all manly and domineering. CSTBXWW had a look which swung from anger to stern and a little bit pitiful.

However, the best bit for me was that I realised that I no longer find her attractive. I now see her physical flaws when previously I could see nothing but beauty. She has a big nose and a strange face. I was blindly in love but now I can see clearly. Whilst I recognise that physical attributes aren't a priority it did surprise me that I view her differently now.

I recognise more and more character flaws in her personality that I used to accept as quirky but were actually fundamentally broken. She had the model upbringing, eldest child, no abuse, she could do no wrong, a good choir girl with a strict father. Never rebelled. Never suffered any emotional trauma. She always thought she was better than everyone else and judged everybody by her own rules (including cheaters!). She had a major pre-occupation with seeking approval and attention from other men which I never minded. I felt proud that she was my wife and men found her attractive. I was proud of her. I gave her approval daily but it didn't fill the same void in her persona.

It was me that had a fucked up childhood. It made me want to provide stability for my children. It made me strong. Now I'm broken.

You are not broken and to steal from Pink, you are just bent.

You are healing a little bit each day, you have your priorities right, your moral compass is straight on north. This was a huge step forward for you and be proud of yourself. You are looking out for your kids and she is looking to hurt you.

Now that the goggles are off and you can see her with the immense clarity that you have now, she is powerless to hurt you and you can focus on the most important things in your life and she is not one of them.

Good for you allatsea!

((((AAS))))

Broken? What are you kidding me? You are so freaking strong nothing will break you. Sure cause you to bend a bit, and make you feel wobbly, but you keep building up the scars and getting stronger and stronger.

I think you seeing her as an unattractive woman is really a huge step forward. You see her for who she really is now, and it's ugly.

Hang in there, her entitlement that she has had her entire life is now ending, and she has no clue how to deal with that, and that in and of itself should bring a smile to your face.

You come out of this the winner.

((((and strength)))

AllAtSea

Very far from broken my friend across the pond.

Do not let her win.

Be strong, fearless. Show your boys just how far their father will go to protect them and give them the best upbringing possible.

Show them a man that values his vows, his promises and loves them unconditionally no matter what a bitter, vindictive, dishonest woman their mother turned out to be.

I promise you in 20 years they will understand everything about this horrible situation and love you more for it and the actions you took to be with them.

I am sending prayers and strength your way AAS.

HM

AAS~

You may feel broken but you are mending quite nicely day by day. Thank goodness.

Hold your little boys close this Boxing Day.

Better days are coming...promise.

Happy Holidays!