SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Triple post

[This message edited by NoOptTo at 2:23 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

One of the many here on SI wishing you the very best for the New Year.

Its going to be great to hear your upcoming achievements.

[This message edited by paboy at 3:24 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

Such a beautiful post. You will be very inspirational to others who come to these boards.

You are on your way to many good things.

It's technically new year's on the east coast. Join me fam...

FUCK INFIDELITY!!!!!

FUCK DEPENDENCY!!!!!

Raising my beer to that. Cheers.

Cheers!

Great to hear from you Falc even on a bad day. I’m wishing you brighter ones ahead.

If I could make a new years resolution for you my friend it would be to continue to actively increase your circle of friends and Contacts thru trying new things and reaching for new experiences.

The more you do the more likely you’ll meet the great love of your life... leaving any feelings thoughts or emotions of your ex far behind.

I wish you a happy and exciting 2019.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:50 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

Happy new year to you Steve. For now, my number one goal is to get to a spot where I am happy being alone. That will be the first giant hurdle and it will take some time. However, I did sign up for a singles life group thing that starts end of January. Also, I'm looking into some other stuff like classes at my local college.

But yeah, I'm still not at a point where I think I'm ready to start dating. I wish I was, it would make it so much easier with someone in my bed. It would be the easy way out. Just do some online dating, meet someone who's passable and start a relationship. It's honestly very enticing. But this whole shit storm is about becoming a better, stronger man. And I realize that I can't be strong until I am happy being alone. TBH, I hope it doesn't take too long because I really miss having someone else there. But maybe that's what I need to fix.

I just hope that if I keep up what I'm doing, continue to better my career, and just live my life that good things will come in 2019. Just have this nagging voice in my head telling me to just start dating. It's hard to ignore.

I hear you Falc and completely agree with your approach.

Get to know you, and meet people with no other purpose than meeting people and getting to know them. It’s a good endeavor. Ignore that voice for now. You’ll know when u are ready.

Only thing I’d add is that helping people thru charity can be really good for your soul. Maybe find some ways to do that.

You’re a good man.

"...my number one goal is to get to a spot where I am happy being alone."

You should change that to "...happy being single." If you have friends and family you're never 'alone'. Take care of yourself and enjoy your freedom.

Falc

I took a break from here over the holidays.

It looks like your head is in the right place.

I still sense alot of pain in your writing.

Remember to hit the gym hard and to stay busy as best you can. No dating but do go out and try to have fun.

I was in the shower today thinking and I don't think I'm very far along at all. I still find myself asking for the why's and the how's. I still have mind movies of what her life is like with him in Florida. I find myself trying to compete with her. She's already in another relationship and all I can think about is how I am frustrated that I am not in one. I'm very close to starting a Tinder account. I just feel this need to validate my worth based on how much sex I am having. It frustrates me because every woman I talk to, I feel like I have to sell myself. I'm good looking and very fit, and I can't even get to a point where these women even ask me one question about myself. I have so much inside me, so much personality, so much intelligent conversation potential and I get the cold shoulder before they even have the chance to get to know me. I don't think I will be able to get over this until I am in another relationship.

But on the other hand, I see turning to online dating as maybe giving up. Like I'm throwing in the towel and saying that I'm not good enough to live a good life alone. But honestly, who is happy alone? Who is even CONTENT being alone? In some senses, I wish I was a woman. I don't mean to sound sexist or whatever, but if I was a woman I could probably get into another relationship easily. I could just run away and forget using sex and be with someone else as the way to get over things. It would be so much easier and I would probably be able to do it immediately. I could just do what my STBXWW did and have someone to love, cuddle, fuck, eat with, sleep with, share experiences with. Because right now, this shit just fucking sucks. Period. It's killing me.

I hate being sad. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like my feet are sinking through the floor, like I'm walking through sand or mud. Feels like moonwalking where everything is in slow motion. And I can't snap out of it. No matter how hard I try. I went to the beach on Jan 1 and threw my ring into the ocean. Didn't make me feel any better. I've tried so many things, nothing makes me feel better. Yeah, the pain leaves but it comes back again. It's almost to the point where I just expect it. I'm indifferent, 'Yeah, here it comes. Okay, it's going away. Alright, it's back again'.

I just wish I could see the progress. I'm sitting here just feeling like the world is shitting on me and no one has any fucking consequences except me. And I have to shoulder them alone, because I'm fucking alone and I have to accept it. I've been the one with integrity and with values, but I'm getting shit on constantly. Fuck, I hate this so much.

Falc

First off, for right now, DONT SIGN UP FOR ONLINE DATING. it’s not a bad alternative later on after you have healed some, but you are right, you have a lot to work out, including finalizing your D.

I also want to add, that being in a relationship does not in any way mean you are a successful person. Anyone can find themselves a relationship built on a house of cards like your STBX has.

No, there are many different aspects to life, and you are starting to learn about them and explore them. Take this time as an opportunity As we’ve discussed, experiencing new things and meeting new people is a big part of it.

Romance and love will happen when you least expect it. I promise you. Build on your skills and learn new things to improve you. That’s much better than mindless talk with someone you met on tinder.

Ok, I know the physical aspect (or lack thereof) can be hard, but when you’re ready (don’t know if it’s important to you to be fully Divorced before venturing out into the work of NSA sex) that will happen too, and not when you’re pressing for it by swiping right.

When my almost Fiancé left me 30 yrs ago I wrote a list of what I wanted to accomplish before I had my next great relationship. I still have that list. I was about half way thru it when I met the love of my life in a place I didn’t expect to.

You’re doing the right things Falc. Don’t detour into as you say “the easy way out”. It will never be as satisfying as it seems.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:48 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

Falc

You are going to be OK. Doesn't feel like it now but you will get through this. You have made progress, you just cant see it. Don't compete with your wife, you already won that race, you are the good guy. Yep, you got shit on, most of the people here did too, you are not alone.

You can do this, you can move on. You will always remember but the pain will lessen. Keep putting one foot in front of the other for now. Keep up the exercise, maybe try a team sport. Go see live music.

Make 2019 a good year. ((((Falc))))

But honestly, who is happy alone? Who is even CONTENT being alone?

You are gonna need to be happy and content with being alone or else you run the risk of bring the codependent baggage right into your next relationship and have that one go off the rails too. You seem like a thoughtful, faithful intelligent man who has a lot to offer, but you also sound kinda desperate too. If you make major life decisions from a place of desperation, you’re gonna make poor choices. I recommend working on being a whole person,on your own two feet, instead of dating for now. It’ll only make you and any future relationship better.

I hate feeling like my feet are sinking through the floor, like I'm walking through sand or mud. Feels like moonwalking where everything is in slow motion. And I can't snap out of it. No matter how hard I try

What you are describing is depression. You should see a doctor about it. With what you’ve been through, it’s completely understandable. You didn’t deserve this. I’m sorry for your pain.

Before you go comparing your STBXwife's "relationship" to yourself, think if you really want a relationship that is that lacking in substance. Your STBXwife's relationship was born of dishonesty, lack of character and a lack of loyalty. There is nothing in that and certainly isn't what you want for yourself, so don't even think about comparing yourself to her.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 5:31 PM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

Falc,

Be easy on yourself. I suspect, like me, that you woul dbe perfectly happy on your own. But being content on your own is different than watching the love of your life run off with another and be (seamingly) happy. I struggle all the time. I read a post of yours recently that said "I wish I could just fast forward a year".. well, not to freak you out but 2.5 years out and I still have some pretty bad days. My STBXH is still with her. And while I know that they can't be possibly living a fairytale, it's hard not to picture that. It's hard to process this shit storm alone while they get to hold each other and take family trips with my son to legoland.

My point is, I'm actually content now, alone. But it's hard to remain in that state when you're faced with the hurt of someone who betrayed you in a seemingly happy relationship. It's an ego thing.

Imagine how you would feel if you were only processing the break-up and she was also alone. Would you be so miserable? You are not unhappy alone, you are unhappy from her affair and sudden departure and dealing with that alone, is just harder but will certainly make you stronger.

Honestly, I think that I'd feel worse if she was alone and doing the shit I'm doing to become a better person and to make herself whole before she finds the one for her. It's almost better this way because in the back of my mind I know I'm better than what she is doing.

I understand that. Not sure if you'll feel like that if they "make it" and are all happy/ cozy 2+ years from now. I'd rather my ex be dealing with this alone as I am. haha

I don't think I've posted on this thread and just read the last several posts, but I agree you are not ready to date yet. You would be USING another person to help you feel good, you are much better than that.

Focus on you, the new year, goals, friends and family. Volunteer. Take up a hobby. Adopt a cat. Anything to give you something to think about other than what she is doing.

It will get better. Give yourself time to grieve the marriage, but honestly, you will feel better as time goes on and you will be proud of yourself for focusing on healing and getting out of this mess.

You will be ok.

Sorry that you're having a hard time Falc.

I wouldn't be too worried about what your ex is up to right now. Whatever she's doing, it's temporary. The karma train will be chasing her back to her family soon enough.

It's not good to be trying to hook up with women right now. I'm sure you're a decent 'catch' but right now you're going to come off as needy and desperate. Women shy away from men like that. They are drawn to those who aren't reliant on them to be whole. I'm sure that you've sensed neediness and desperation from women in the past so you can relate.

In order for you to find a good one, you need to get to the place where you're comfortable and happy being with yourself. You've become co-dependent; that's a very unhealthy place to be and it puts off negative vibes to others. You need to get to the place where you don't need anyone to complete you; a place in your head where you're complete by yourself. Once you've reached that place where you don't need a woman, or anyone else for that matter, to make you happy and fulfilled, then that's the point where you can date, and not come off wrong.

Stop caring about what your STBX is doing. She's shown what she is and it's not someone you'd have hooked up with. Enjoy yourself and your interests. Find who you were before you started noticing women; become that guy or boy again. Life is short; start enjoying it again. You are valuable; believe it. Start acting like someone who has value; stop settling for less; you're worth more than what you've trained yourself to think that you are. Don't settle for the easy women you're trying to hook up with; they're below you; you can do much better than them. Everyone's ego takes hits; that's part of life. Pick yourself up; don't allow your heart to keep you down. Decide your future; be more successful than you're ever been; aim high.