SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey man, FWIW your not alone! I’m literally going through the same thing and feel the same way (WW has another man to help her and hold her while I am struggling to get through this on my own). But with each passing day, I become stronger, more aware and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Divorce isn’t the answer nor the “win” of this whole life scenario we got dealt with, it’s merely the final decision to legally unwind a dead marriage of which only one person wanted to work out in the end. Finding ourselves again and realizing who we are as a person while knowing that we as individuals were and are good people while getting out of this heap of shit we are in is the real win! Moving onto bigger and better things, finding our own true identities so that we can maintain a healthy life while being alone or with a significant other is the win!

Falc

I agree with you. Their relationship will probably

last a good bit until the cycle repeats.

That's what happens to people who don't look inward at problems and blame everyone but themselves.

They find themselves in the same situation over and over again.

Her leaving will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

You just won't feel like it is for a while.

Her leaving will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

I hope I can last as long as it will take to realize this. I am just emotionally exhausted from all the pain and sadness. I am scared I will become a shut in and slink into the shadows. I've been fighting it for so long and it's just killing my motivation to push through and to keep doing what I'm doing.

Just imagine what the people with kids go thru.

I have been there man. The shock and anxiety took like 20 pounds off of me in a matter of a week or two.

Are you sleeping? Hanging out with friends?

No alcohol! Are you exercising?

See a doctor if you have too

Doing all the above. Hanging with friends and family, going to groups and church, gym at least 4x a week, not much alcohol just a few beers with friends. Cooking meals and eating food. It's just getting exhausting because the pain is still there and I'm doing all this shit and it's not going away and I'm not getting clarity.

it just takes some time, my friend. Time and distance gives you perspective. You've been hit by a truck, you just don't jump up and shake it off. Don't expect to much until you get your wits about you and heal up a bit.

How did you find out that she has moved to Florida?

A mutual friend called me and told me and said that he was really mad at her.

Doing all the above. Hanging with friends and family, going to groups and church, gym at least 4x a week, not much alcohol just a few beers with friends. Cooking meals and eating food. It's just getting exhausting because the pain is still there and I'm doing all this shit and it's not going away and I'm not getting clarity.

I would add one more thing to your list of activities, and in large doses: Comedy. Laughing can give you those endorphin highs that help manage emotional pain. It can help initiate the emotional change needed in the situation and maintain that level of detachment from you STBXW. When you get to that point where you can laugh more at what your STBXW did than feel sorrow, you are in a MUCH better place in your healing. I had satellite radio in my vehicle when my Dday happened. I also got to that point where I was so tired of feeling down, emotionally beat up, my anxiety off the charts because I felt I was always walking on eggshells during that time. Music was the WORST thing for me because just about every song reminded me of my XW's A and her treatment of me. I finally landed on a comedy channel while channel surfing and just listened. It took a little while but some of the material started to work its way into my brain, made me forget about my situation for a moment, and I started to laugh at these comics. Oh man! The happy high I got out of just a few chuckles! For once I was feeling something other than shit! I couldn't get enough of it! I was watching comedy central, loading up my presets with every available comedy channels on satellite radio, looking through my cable guide for any upcoming comedy specials, hunting down whatever comedy I could stream through content providers, etc. You know what the best way to enjoy comedy is? Going to a comedy club with some friends! They laugh it up, you laugh it up, everyone is having a great time and is such a great thing to share.

Now, my triggers were still there but they became much more manageable than before. So, give it a try just so you can feel something other than what you've been feeling since your Dday. See if your friend who just called you wants to go to a comedy club. You can make fun of your STBXW and her A. It will be a great night.

I’m going to suggest something that sounds terribly boring but honestly this has been a major factor in me having a good life. I admit I’m reading a lot between the lines in your posts and making some assumptions. Hope they aren’t hurtful and keep in mind what I write is done in care.

Use this time to get a good grasp and CONTROL of your finances…

Think about it… For the last 8 years you (based on info you provided) have been more-or-less the sole provider. And look at your run-down on the finances due to the divorce… All debt…

Look at what you earn… Aren’t you too broke considering what you earn? At 34 shouldn’t you be further along financially? [OK – actually being broke can be positive in the divorce process…]

Especially considering the trust your mom left you. Sounds like she had a good head and foresight to leave you with what sounds like a well-protected and maintained trust. I’m wondering – she passed away AFTER you met your wife and even after you two married… Trusts are usually for kids up to age 21 or 25, after that the money is simply transferred to the beneficiaries. Why did the trust “loan” you for the house rather than simply pay for it? Why demand payment of interest? OK – possibly tax reasons, but MAYBE your mom was smart… MAYBE she had her doubts about your wife. Those doubts being the reason the trust is safe, and your wife technically owes half the debt in the house rather than have a claim to half the money in the trust or to half the assets purchased with money from the trust…

I’m going to suggest that if my above evaluation is correct then you honor your mom and her foresight by taking total control of your finances. The cash-vampire has left the building. The drain has been plugged.

There are numerous personal-finance gurus out there. I started listening to Dave Ramsey podcasts about 4-5 years ago and realized that I had been doing my version of his plan for a couple of decades. I’m going to suggest you spend some time googling personal finance, debt management, savings, budgeting and all that. I would suggest listening to Ramsey because I think his semi-cult-like, football-team, military-drill step-by-step outline might help pull you into the intensity this requires.

I think Falc that doing this might get your head out of the darkness. It might help you see your ex for what she is.

Hi Bigger. My Mom did not leave me any trust. My Dad and Mom had their own trusts and their assets went into both to avoid overbearing taxes. For example, my Dad's business is in his trust, while their house was in my Mom's. They split assets with both of them being trustees on both the trusts. When she died, her life insurance went into HER trust. My Dad is the sole trustee at this point, my sister and I are the beneficiaries. So that money is technically my Dad's, which is why he loaned us the money to buy the house from my Mom's trust. By having a legal promissory note and loan paperwork, I can make house payments and write them off on my income taxes.

Your advice is still good though, getting control of my finances is a great idea. I have always been a good saver. However, in light of what had happened, I have spent a good amount of money just rebuilding my life. I've spent money buying a lot of new decorations for the walls in the house after I took all our pictures down. On new clothes and shoes, etc. I think this was healthy as it was a way to re-invent myself.

I think the biggest issue for me now is figuring out what I can do without. I already make meals that I can eat off of for 5-7 days. Since I now have this second car, I will cancel the insurance on the old car and probably sell it. I might have to cancel cable, I need my cell phone for work. There's not much to weed out here. I can sell the car, but with only $1k or so in equity, I won't be able to get much of a beater car so it seems I'm stuck with the car payment. I'd rather pay it anyway, since it helps my credit in a sense.

Selling the house is out of the question since we are about 30k or so under water after realtor and escrow fees. I could rent but it would just be a hassle. I don't know. California is very expensive, I'm just going to have to focus on finding a new job out here.

Hey Falc, so while my name is financeguy123 I actually work in Private Wealth Management as a Relationship Manager (ie, I live and breathe Trust, Estate plannning, tax planning, investments etc for a living). As for the Trust you speak of, I assume it has good creditor and asset protection language in the Trust document that it wasn’t able to be pierced through the divorce. Was it a living trust by any chance? Did your parents put the house in a QPRT or the same Trust you mentioned? I only ask because you currently have a PROM note out against the Trust that your dad as Trustee approved (also current beneficiary while you and your sister are the remaindermen). Is there any chance your dad could forgive the interest and principle owed on the PROM note? If so, then the house would be free in your name that it would allow you to rent it which should provide some cash flow for the time being. Alternatively, you could restructure the PROM note if the interest/hurdle rate is lower now than it was when you originally executed the original PROM note (I doubt it but it’s worth looking into).

Thanks for the tips FG. Yeah, my Dad is using the payments as part of his retirement income planning. I could probably see if we can re-finance and lower the interest a little. I don't think he'd want to forgive the debt though. Not sure, he's been really supportive through this whole shit storm. We bought the house on the stipulation that there would be two incomes, now there is only one.

Have you considered renting a room out? That would help with the house payment and a roommate might help with your mental health.

I second the suggestion to get a roommate. There's financial as well as social benefit s.

Hello there, I'm sorry for what you are going through. But I truly believe that everything worked out for the best for both of you. You got together very young and you didn't have the maturity to grow up in the relationship and make it stronger. I am 37 and I play video games and I know how dangerous they are and the addiction they can cause. Your XW being 26, married and being that addicted to games, well this would not have a good outcome. I don't agree with people getting married that young and committing to a lifelong relationship. I am not saying she was right in anything she did and the way she handled things, but at 26 what more would anyone have expected? She is just a young immature girl who wants to enjoy life and she got married too young. I mean, this is the best she could do given her age and her maturity level.

In my opinion you should start IC and work on the insecurity issues you obviously have. The fact that you count so little of yourself that you let her drag you to this stage of insecurity and self doubt shows you need to fix your self esteem issues.

You seem like a good person but I think you have some growing up to do as well. It's ok, you have your whole life ahead of you and hard situations make us more mature and experienced.

I wish you all the best and I hope you'll be here soon enough to tell us that you are doing better. Show must go on. :)

Hitting me hard today. It's so hurtful that she has someone to fall asleep with, to fuck, to find comfort in and I'm here all by myself. It just hurts a lot today. I really hope that karma hits her eventually. It is a special kind of evil to do this to a person. I know that in the long run, I will be better off. It hasn't even been three months. But damn, it hurts today.

Sorry man

Holidays are tough

Hang in there

A year from now everything will be different

Hitting me hard today. It's so hurtful that she has someone to fall asleep with, to fuck, to find comfort in and I'm here all by myself. It just hurts a lot today. I really hope that karma hits her eventually. It is a special kind of evil to do this to a person. I know that in the long run, I will be better off. It hasn't even been three months. But damn, it hurts today.

Couldn't agree more... My husband was the one who was cheating and doing drugs, but because he has two kids, I was the bigger person and left the house so that the kids didn't have to move. Now I'm living with my parents, and he has moved the OW right in, she spends every night there. It feels so strange to not be able to go back to my own house.

It's really hard because logically, you know this is the best thing for you, but emotionally all you want is to go back in time and pretend none of this ever happened. And this stuff happening right before the holidays definitely makes it worse.

You're right, they are a special kind of evil to be able to do this. I'm having a hard time believing in monogamous relationships at the moment because of all of it. Time heals all, they say. Hoping we will all come out stronger through all of this!

Sorry to see that it's still beating on you like this. You seem like a good guy and sure as hell didn't deserve this.

So what if she has someone. How long is it going to last? Probably not long and either you'll get the phone call (don't even bother picking it up) or she'll move on to another dirtbag.

Clearly you're not the kind of person who is just going to hop into bed with a warm body for the hell of it, unlike her. Sending positive vibes your way. You'll get through this. Everyone here is here for you.