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Hey Falc,

I've read your whole thread and I just wanted to chime in regards to your very obvious (situational) depression. I've never been a huge fan of antidepressants. Never used them my whole life until the first year I was dealing with my STBXWH moving out and carrying on with the OW. My doctor urged me to try wellbutrin and I finally caved. It helped a lot. Along with going to the gym and taking care of myself, of course. But if you remain stuck in this crippling depression, you may want to think about some short term help.

PS. I am not off them completely and it was easy. I just stopped my low dose, with the direction of my doctor, and that was it. But I'm thankful that it helped me at my lowest when I didn't think I'd make it.

Sorry SI, I don't have anywhere to turn to today so I have to rant here:

MAN, the holidays suck. I oscillate between feeling strong, hopeful, and determined to wanting to bury my face in my pillow. Yesterday I was blasting music, doing good work and today I am as somber as they come just sitting here stewing in my own juices.

I think I am developing a dopamine dependency or something. Every day that I go to the gym, I am fine. If I don't go one day, that day is usually spent in negativity. The loneliness doesn't help either. I find myself wanting to just fall into old habits and start dating when I am not healed nor is my divorce close to being official. It would be easy for me to have someone in my bed. I know it's wrong and it's not what I need to focus on right now, but I find my mind wandering moreso this week than most.

I've posted on different threads a few times and it's funny, the hardest advice to take is your own. My Christmas sucked ass. It was just me, my Dad, my Sister, my Dad's girlfriend and my Grandma. Such a small gathering, the conversation was awful. It was quiet. I blew up at my Dad when we were talking about how I was going to figure out how to stay above water financially. He's been nothing but supportive in all aspects. I apologized to him and he said there was no need as he knew what I was going through. Still was sad on my part.

I hope to God this next year will be better. I'm sick of shitty years. I thought that I was coming out of it this year but then this whole shit storm happened and plunged me further. Having to start over again is just a mind fuck. Life is just random occurrences and luck. I seriously, seriously hope this next year is better. But my Uncle is probably going to die this next year, his cancer has spread to his bones. It just doesn't fucking end. Worst (and best) part is that I'm so numb to these things, it probably won't even phase me. Yeah, I'm much more resilient now but I just can't help but look at what my family has been reduced to these past few years.

My Sister and her long term BF broke up, my Mom died, I lost my wife and her whole side of the family who I was very close to. I had visions of these huge holiday gatherings, kids swimming in our pool, glasses clanking and beers being drank. Now it's just 4 or 5 people sitting silently in a huge room at a huge table. Shit sucks.

I wish there was a button I could hit to fast forward a year so I can be done with this. I'd be divorced, I'd be healthier mentally, maybe I'd have someone new. Maybe not. Feels like being single is taboo now. Everyone everywhere is in a relationship. All the commercials are relationship focused, literally no one is single in anything. Finding your worth in someone else seems to be ingrained in our society. Every song is like "I'm not myself without you". Seems like being by yourself and loving yourself is the wrong move and you should be looked down upon. Ugh, I'm going to go to the gym.

(((Falc)))

Awkward bro hug...

Like I mentioned before, go inject some humor into your life. You need a different source for dopamine. I won't link this article because you can google it up and find it easily but here are some points made Psychology today on the beneficial affects of laughter:

When something is perceived as funny, the reward center of the brain is activated--the same area that is activated during cocaine-induced highs. In his book, A Better High,Dr. Bellace says, "I'm not going to argue that laughing is a more intense high than cocaine, but the brain knows how to balance a natural high. You will never hear, 'That movie was so funny last night, I'm hung over.' Laughter is a superior high on many levels."

Dr. Bellace notes that the benefits of laughter include improved immune functioning, stress relief, increased tolerance for pain, improved cardiovascular health, reduced anxiety, and improved mood.

If you can push yourself to work out you can push yourself to find something to laugh your ass off about. You will get more control of the triggers and lean out that emotional roller coaster when you can start laughing about the stupid things that cheaters say and do in their infidelity. We post lists here. It's both hilarious and therapeutic to read through those. Make yourself go to some local comedy shows, amateur stand-up hour, rent stand-up comedy video, rent comedy movies - One of my favorite is "Forgetting Sarah Marshall".

One of my favorite is "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"

Actually watched this the other day. It's one of my favorites too.

Looks like you are taking your family members for granted. You need them more now. Appreciate their friendship /help , though may not be the ideal setting you are looking for. Seems your father is a caring person who is trying to help you to get over this. Live your life to your best, especially progress in your career, devoting your time in career development may force you to avoid negative feeling. One day your exW may come to know how much you have progressed. Time is the best healer. Your current attitude make your WW a winner.

Attachment is the cause of suffering (Buddha). Never attach to someone or something to the extent the loss of which make you dysfunctional. Impermanence in the name of the game in nature

Falc, I’ve never commented on your thread but have read along... cheered for you and mourned with you and nodded often at the advice being given.

I just wanted to comment on the lens with which you see the world right now— the one where every one is a couple and being single is taboo. Way before affair season in my life, I had 4 miscarriages. It was awful, painful, and there was so much hurt and shame in it. And all I saw— EVERY WHERE— were pregnant women, diaper commercials, adorable, sweet babies, doting fathers, and the stroller I’d bought but not yet gotten to use. It felt incessant, like a cruel joke the world was playing on me. But like you now, I was just in a place where that’s all I could see. I didn’t notice the toddlers throwing tantrums and think “thank goodness that ain’t me,” I didn’t see the happy childless couples. Just like you can’t see the happy single people, you know, the “single and ready to mingle” crowd, the fun loving people in kick ball and softball leagues and doing community service to benefit local kids. That crowd, those people, they’re out there. You’re not ready to find them yet— your grief won’t even let you see them, but they’re there. You’ll find them when you’re ready.

You’re working through the grief right now, and that’s your brain and body’s way of healing, That’s okay, Feeling it now means it WON’T haunt you forever. That’s why as bad as it sucks, you can’t fast forward a year. You power through this so you can move forward and never look back.

I know the pain. We all do. It.is.the.WORST. But you ARE doing it, and you CAN do it, and soon enough there will be more good days than bad days. There will be days where you don’t make it to the gym and you still don’t wallow as much, You will come out of this a better person and partner, and while you may not have needed to improve in either of those areas, focusing on that what will be a positive outcome for you let’s you continue to take your power back. F her and the horse she rode in on. You’ve managed this with integrity and respect. The life you envisioned won’t happen with her. Probability it’ll still happen for you? Excellent. I know

It’s hsrd to see it now, so please trust in the collective wisdom of the board and keep leaning in here when you need to vent.

I’ll leave you with my favorite quote that’s come out of my whole experience as a BS...

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to realize that this, too, was a gift.” -Mary Oliver

You’ve got this Falc. Keep on keeping on. We’re all here for you as you need us.

Your WW has a 'good' foundation for the present relationship. Soon she will be back in Wisconsin. Even there is a possibility that she might tell you about her mistake and how deceiving her boyfriend is. Regardless, never ask her to come to California

Falc

It really sounds like you are blessed with something that is becoming increasingly scarce: Caring, thoughtful and loving parents. Even in her departure your mom seems to have taken good care of you, and from what you have shared about your dad he sounds like a sensible man. One that expects his son to fight his own battles, but is ready in the corner with the Vaseline, cold sponge and good advice.

Your emotions will be all over the place. That’s normal.

I can suggest a couple of things that have helped me over the years:

I’m a history buff. I read some books on Desert Storm and learned that the British paratroopers have a saying before going into dangerous situations: “At least it won’t get us pregnant”. I take it as a statement that no matter what you are dealing with then there is some positive. Something could be worse. Like now – imagine you come home from the gym all happy and expecting your wife to be there reheating the leftover turkey. She gives you a peck on the cheek and then goes to her home-office only for you to walk in on her having online-sex with the OM… THAT IMHO would be immensely worse than what you are dealing with right now. THAT would be the worst case. THAT would be you getting pregnant.

When you fee down then try this: Try saying out loud “Well – At least I’m not getting cheated on”.

And then try to be positive.

Regarding the finances. I suggested you use this time to go over your personal finances and make changes. I still think it’s the single best thing you can do for yourself. Simply to have a point to start from then go watch or read stuff by Dave Ramsey. Heck… Don’t care if you agree with him or not if you have logical reasons. As long as you have a plan. But you got to start somewhere.

That car she wanted but then didn’t take… Can you sell it? Can you sell your other car? Can you speed up the divorce to finish financial aspects?

Falc – we that have been here with you from day 1… we see change. We see great improvement.

Jduff - I watched some comedy specials on Netflix last night, then I watched a Netflix original Bollywood movie called 'Love Per Square Inch'. It was pretty good, I suggest it. I think you're onto something with the laughter. Already on the rare occasions that I talk about my STBXWW, I find myself laughing, shaking my head, and saying 'man, it's such a joke. It's literally hilarious how dumb she is'. So there's something positive I suppose.

Mamabear - Thank you for the awesome words. The quote really rings true. People who experience pain and trauma, while not readily apparent during the situation, often come out better and stronger people in all aspects. I KNOW that in time I will look back and appreciate this dark period in my life, I can feel it. Doesn't make going through it any less shitty! Hah.

Goalong - While I don't think that her relationship will last, it will last a decent amount of time. She's a user, she's never had a home of her own, she's always gone from one serious relationship to the next where she moves into her SO's place almost immediately. She's never been alone. This is history repeating itself. Therefore, she will pour herself into this one in order to make it work for a while. However, yes... the way she treated me is absolutely intolerable and I will never take her back. Fuck her, she is human garbage.

Bigger - I can't make the divorce go any faster unfortunately. In California, you can't waive your initial disclosure of assets and income declaration. You can waive your final, but not the initial. So she has to sign and send in her own and pay the $500 filing fee. We are waiting on that, then we have to wait on her to sign the settlement. Everything on my end is completed and filed. Now it's on her. She didn't give the lawyers her address, so we have to serve her at her Dad's address in Wisconsin. If enough time passes and nothing is done, we can look into a default judgment but apparently the courts don't look favorably on those from what the lawyers have told me since only one party is being represented in the settlement. The system is really shitty and this whole no fault thing really blows. You can murder your spouse and their estate would still end up paying you support. California sucks sometimes. After the new year, I will start driving for Uber/Lyft a couple weekends a month. I only need to make 300-400 extra bucks a month to be in a good spot. In Southern Cali, I can make that in a night if I get good rides.

Really appreciate all the support from everyone. I'm human and I trip up sometimes, but I think I have made decent progress. It's only been a little over 3 months so I have a long way to go. Patience is something that I need to really learn and I think this whole experience will teach me. Thanks for sticking with me, and thanks for not reaming me for posting my weekly rant.

Hey Falc, hope you are doing better today.

I assure you , it is going to get better.

Before I married my WW (go figure), I was engaged to a nice girl (or so I thought). We had been dating for 3 years and got engaged. Then the wheels came off. She started staying out late and hanging out with this long term friend of hers (a dude of course) who had tried numerous times to hook up with her. Even her dad thought he was a dirtbag.

Long story short, she accused me of being smothering for wanting to know whee she was going when she went out or who she would be with . She had come from a ridiculously abusive relationship and was basically treating me as if I were the ex. Never raised a hand to her and only raised my voice to her once or twice in that entire time (one of which was when I finally ended it and drove away).

I spent the next year putting my head back together. I was beyond crushed and likely feeling a lot of what you are feeling.

I had taken a small apartment but didn't really furnish it thinking we'd eventually move in together. I said screw it and painted and furnished the place so it looked like a "little home" as my neighbor put it when he saw it.

I kept busy. I met new people. I cleaned house on a lot of mutual friends which was tough but had to be done. I focused on myself and moved on. I rediscovered things that I had left by the wayside when I was with her. I picked up my musical instruments again, joined a band...basically anything to keep me moving forward.

You CAN do this. If I can do it, anyone can. We are here for you.

Hey Falc-

sounds like you are on a good path.

I have a STB divorced friend who drives for Uber or lyft, he enjoys it because about half of the people he gets have some sort of fun story or adventure they don't mind talking about. Takes his mind off of his STBXW shenanigans, and usually the $ isn;t bad.

Look up Bill Burr for more laughs. Search this on youtube -

Bill Burr - no reason to hit a woman

Bill Burr Epidemic of gold digging whores

Before anyone else knee-jerk reacts, listen to it first...

Also youtube for

Bill Burr, people need lotion

Bill Burr Psycho robots ( you'll relate)

[This message edited by twisted at 5:05 PM, December 28th (Friday)]

Falc, you have done a good job of pushing through the pain. The pain keeps the healing process working.

Stay the course!

Falc-

Checking on you. Let us know how you are doing.

Thank you for checking in.

Riding the struggle bus the past couple days. I cried last night and had trouble sleeping. I suspect the overwhelmingly negative emotions will start to slowly subside after the new year. Tonight will be the one final time I actively make a choice to mourn the loss of what I thought my life was and would be (I know that feelings will well up, but this will by my last active choice). I will do my best to turn a positive light on things and to look forward to a 2019 where I put myself first in all aspects.

I plan to be by myself for a little tonight and I will scream at the top of my lungs 'FUCK INFIDELITY, FUCK DEPENDENCY'. This trauma is unlike anything I've ever experienced. While I was in my marriage, I always commented to myself that all I could feel is anger. Going through this has forced me to feel the entire range of human emotions. It's almost as if I learned that I am still human. That I can still feel sadness, jealousy, anger, hate, guilt, shame, hope. This is a special kind of trauma because you mourn something that isn't dead. It still lives and breathes, makes choices that cause pain. You mourn something that is gone but still breathes the same oxygen you do, still looks at the same sky you do. The thought of knowing that what you mourn isn't dead is jarring.

Now I know I shouldn't focus on this, but it is what it is. It's like telling me that I shouldn't look at my Mom's baking sheet and think about the chocolate chip cookies she used to bake me for a brief second before I catch myself. I am still moving forward. Some days it's a mile, some days it's just a few steps. Some days I take a few steps back. I wish the healing process was linear, at least I would know that I am going to eventually be healed.

I had lunch with one of my best friends yesterday and we talked about how the destination is not important, but the journey is. Getting healed is not as important as going through the process of healing. Allowing myself to feel positive and negative, allowing myself to run the gamut of human emotions and feel the warmth of connecting with the people who love and care about me. Allowing myself to be alone and feel so much pain I burst into tears. Allowing myself to be with friends and feeling happiness and laughter. Allowing myself to hug my dog and thank him for being there for me. All of these and more make up the journey that is set before me, and only by setting foot and going through this will I come out a stronger and better man. Being healed is important, but getting there is where my foundation and character will be torn down and rebuilt into something that is unwavering and unbreakable.

I hope everyone has a good new year. I know that I will be okay, but I'm not okay today.

It's ok to have bad days. They will become less and less.

You'll see.

Happy new year. This one will be better than the last

Double post

[This message edited by NoOptTo at 2:22 PM, December 31st (Monday)]

A wonderful post falc. You have shown so much growth as a person. I wish you the best in the coming year. With this outlook, you will heal quicker then you think. Best wishes to you.