SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

JM, I just want to tell you how proud I am of you for handling yourself the way you have during this ordeal.

You will ultimately prevail as the hands-down winner.

And your WW is just now beginning to understand how badly she screwed up.

For whatever reason she made the worst decision of her entire life and is just now beginning to feel the results of it. Just wait until she finally learns that in addition to losing the respect of her husband, her children, her friends, and her co-workers she is also going to have to absorb a staggering financial loss.

Know what? She deserves every bit of it. I feel no sorrow for her whatsoever.

She richly deserves everything she gets for her monumentally stupid decisions.

where is she living, sleeping right now?

Our house, in the bedroom. I get the couch.

This is the shitty part, because as we go through the divorce, most, if not all of our equity is in the house. We should both get roughly $50,000 to $55,000 once the house is sold, but we have to put it on the market, and then wait until we find a buyer.

I don't have the money to go get my own place and continue to pay the mortgage and bills for the house. Both our names are obviously on the mortgage, so it's both our obligations.

I might be living under the same roof and sleeping on this couch for another year for all I know.

Can't see any other options right now.

Any chance of spending a couple of hundred bucks on a bed? It's gotta be killing your back/sleep/..., sleeping on the couch.

I'd put a bed in place of the couch. Let her look at that when she walks through. May as well put some fun in dysFUNction

Lol....not sure adding a bed to the living room is my best option right now, heh.

I have no problem sleeping. Actually sleep pretty good on the couch, I'm just not looking forward to living another year+ under the same roof.

No, you should be sleeping in the bedroom, her on the couch.

I could have fun with it though.

Kids bring their friends over during the summer, I'm getting out of bed in the living room wearing nothing but my underwear, scratching myself....

You guys might be on to something here...

JM72

I just read your story... It sounds like it took you a while to come to your decision... But in reality it didn't. Some of us have been struggling here for years before we got to d. We just don't have our whole story on one nice looooong post!

I only read your parts, not the replies, but want to say you are doing the right thing. You sound like you have been a good husband...it sounds to me like you have her a lot of slack and she had many excuses for her actions. Just remember, you have also dealt with many of your own issues but didn't cheat.

Enjoy the couch... And while you are there think of other SI peeps who are doing the same, myself included. 6 months and counting...

Feel free to say hello to us over in d/s forum. It's an awesome group.

Kids bring their friends over during the summer, I'm getting out of bed in the living room wearing nothing but my underwear, scratching myself....

You guys might be on to somethin

Hahahaha. TMI !!!!!!!!!!

Hi JM72

I have started reading your thread and I am up to page 6. Several quick questions. What are the roots of he codependency, You married at 18-19, was she pregnant?

What were her childhood experiences that may have molded her.

Please define dry drunk. I understand the term to mean a person who wether dry or wet is still a drunk.

Thanks.

She was pregnant at 18.

Part of her codependency has always been focusing on me, what I'm doing/not doing. All problems, every issue, everytime I needed to make changes, it was always on me. Her focus was always on me, never herself.

If she was mad, it was because of me. If she was depressed, it was because of me. If she was frustrated or resentful, it was because of me. Her infamous saying was "well, who do you think made me this way?" - I never asked for the responsibility of being in charge of all her emotions. It's hard enough dealing with my own, I can't be responsible for hers.

She once said, which was ingrained into my mind - "I don't have any problems or issues, other then you and the problems you cause me" - powerful statement, huh?

By dry drunk, I haven't touched alcohol in over 20 years, but for an alcoholic, the drinking is only a symptom of our disease. We have to work on the issues that caused us to drink. By going 15 years without meetings or working on myself, I slip back to my old character defects - fear, anger, resentment, lying, cheating, stealing, selfishness, etc.

Basically a dry drunk is someone who isn't drinking but still acting out with old destructive character defects.

[This message edited by JM72 at 11:02 AM, May 9th (Monday)]

JM72,

Thank you, our understand the term dry drunk is the same. (Your oldest son is an addict. Is he involved in NA?)

There are two type of adultery (although there is a lot of crossover). Based on your recent posts it would seem this adultery is an exit affair, that when you drill down she isva walk away wife who is using the adultery as a form of payback.

Well, she took the wrong exit door from what I heard.

She picked a broke guy with 2 alimony payments, 5 child support payments, she has to foot the bill when they go out to eat, and I heard she's frustrated.

Me? I'm good.

You missed my point. If it was an exit affair with a dual propose of harming you, you need to be prepared for Act 2, 3, 4, etc.

You mentioned codependency. Does she also have a care giver complex? The irony of this complex is that these individuals rarely actual help, instead they enable to keep feeding the dragon. I realize "feeding the dragon" is used to describe chasing the next drug high. In your WW her high is the drama associated with your son's addiction and her adultery.

The OM may be providing the fix your wet days provided.

John, to answer your questions, I stopped trying to figure out the who, what, when, and why's of her actions.

This I know -

1) I didn't break her

2) I can't fix her

3) It's not my responsibility to fix her

So if I don't detach, just worry about myself, and let her go on her way, I'll just drive myself mad.

And there's no need for me to prepare for acts 2, 3, 4, etc.

She no longer has control over my emotions and thinking.

There's nothing she can say, do, or make up that will bother me, unless I allow it, which I won't.

She can do what she wants. I'm good.

I stopped trying to figure out the who, what, when, and why's of her actions.

This I know -

1) I didn't break her

2) I can't fix her

3) It's not my responsibility to fix her

So if I don't detach, just worry about myself, and let her go on her way, I'll just drive myself mad.

And you've just gotten yourself out of infidelity, and on the road to healing. I'm sorry it's without your WW, but I'm glad you've gotten clarity on the situation.

Good luck in the future! (And, the future is brighter)

Thanks JM72 for your reply. Stay sober, and stay focused on the children. When you speak to the lawyer ask about child support and spousal support. You might be able to stay near where you currently live, which will help with custody.

Keep communication limited texts, not phone calls. Texts and email can be used as evidence if it comes down to, phone calls are not.

There is a difference between bad mounthing and stating facts. In NJ at one point demeaning a spouse was considered a negative in custody decisions. Work with your IC and attorney to stay on the safe side of this issue.

Now I have to take my dog, who has been suffering, to be put down in an hour.

At least the kitten that I rescued from the woods and bonded with didn't escape and get run over by a car a couple months ago.

Oh, wait....

My condolences... We had to put our aged lab (my first and only dog) relatively soon after the whole shabang and around the time my depression and health problems really start to gain steam. So I understand the pain. You'll grieve, but hopefully after some time the fact that you provided both your dog and your kitty a very good life, at least with you, will provide some comfort...

Bro-hugs!